Sunday, March 27, 2005

Regret is the word

My mind is being fed with ideas of regret. Its an unholy hour and I'm doing some movie marathon just like the olden days when I was not a cadet. The last movie that I saw reiterates the word regret and I do not want feeling that. I have come to the conclusion that this is the only chance that I get and it is now or never. I will never be able to have another chance and that I will have to make most of whatever situation there is. I am referring to this thing that for the longest time I adored somebody the way I adored a young lady when I was 15. I remembered the time when I went head over heels for this young lady that I hoped things will just stop the moment we were together. I remembered the look in her face when we were chased by dogs somewhere in Baguio and almost hugged me out of fear, I realized then that she was perfect. Of course I remembered the countless embarrassment that I had to suffer when she forces me to go into the lingerie section of any department store and asks me which ones I like in the middle of people. I remember the movie Princess Diaries, when all bad feelings just faded after fighting over some petty thing. I remember the kiss when saying goodbye at the bus station....... My goodness, the feeling is so real yet so distant... regret is simply the word.... there is no question about that. Last year I was able to find her number asked her if we can meet but then she declined-- she was going out of town with her BOYFRIEND. Am I being rational or I am just allowing all the emotions to go way over my head? I'm counting the YEARS.. yes we were together for 3 years and though what remains are little neo print pictures, I wished I could take back the regret. I want to have that feeling again and so I begin to think.

Here I am, making most of the last remaining hours of my freedom but actually dreading its end, will I take the plunge or will I stall and wait. Waiting is not a bad option but can I deal with this feeling longer? Will I be able to really convince myself that something will just remain available for me after months or maybe years? I'm laughing at myself for writing this I just hope she reads this and understand that this is for her. O God... help me!!!

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