I said I felt bad while writing the entry below and I still feel bad now. I thought that I can not do much in the way I feel but to just feel it, anyway it's my choice... or I'm just being impatient?
I came to that question when I started to think about the things that have happened to me. I have to say that I am not that good as a person. I still think of doing ugly things to people and I have wicked ideas of revenge on people that I hate, but I would say that at the end of it all I try my best to be good, maybe I'm just stubborn, just waiting to learn things the hard way. In fact, the very reason why I do things the way I do it now because of a lesson that I learned the hard way... now this is another confession and here it goes.
Ever since I was young, I have always been a hopeless romantic. I was imagining romance as if they appear in magical worlds where they end up living happily ever after. I was always in dreamland when it comes to this aspect, maybe that is the reason why it seems that I have come to contemplate on this area very often. In high school, I remembered this crush I had that just blew me away that I spent most of the time writing poetry about my feelings. These poems never really got published but I just enjoyed writing them. The girl was never able to read this poems, I was afraid. In fourth year, I met this young girl from Baguio in a Youth Forum that we both attended. I was mesmerized and since I was in Dumaguete and she was in Baguio we started writing each other, she was to become my first romantic experience. When I graduated high school, I went to Baguio, under the guise of visiting my brother who was already in PMA then and that was to become my first real date with a woman. We were both 15 and the circumstances that lead to our meeting was something that happened in the magical worlds that I imagined. It still brings a smile in my face everytime I remember that event. When she went to college at UP Diliman, we spent time together but little by little, the fairy tale was lost and soon we drifted apart. So we lost touch, after more than 4 years of imagining fairy tales, the reality dawned and that was it. I never saw her again. One time as I was browsing through friendster, I saw the account of her sister and from that I was able to find her number. Every now and then when I remember we text each other just checking on things and sometimes teasing about the things that happened in the past. I later learned that she graduated from UP with honors and is now working for a multinational company. She was brilliant by the way. And then just when I was to go back to PMA last 2004, I met this girl, things happened so fast and then by the time I knew it I was in deep trouble. That was to be my hardest lesson to learn in romance. And so I now come to the present. Just waiting and waiting... to be honest I do not really know what I am waiting for, I just know that it will just come in God's time.
I feel bad because I dread each moment that nothing seems to happen. But despite that, I continue to wait, remembering the lessons that I learned the hard way, praying to God and hoping that all the wait will soon end. I just hope. Maybe there is something to learn in the experience that I am having. Even as I feel all this negative emotions, I am actually being delighted by the surprises and the insights I get out of all the feelings I have. Well, I do not know, as of now I just know that things will be well in the end.