Monday, June 26, 2006

Bothered conscience continued

Nothing changed much as of the last time I wrote about this thing that happened to me last weekend, the only difference now is that I am more determined to correct this rather than just run away.
My weakness has always been women. I mean no matter how good I am at telling people how to go about with their relationships I always mess up my own. At a point when I am just so confident that all is well, everything just comes crashing in and I then ask myself why was I so stupid. Yesterday, a parent of a plebe ask me if I had a girlfriend. From that question began my tale of how I see this phenomena. I told her that being a cadet, it is never easy to find someone who really likes me for who I am. I know I am not perfect, in fact I am very aware that I have so much flaws that people will totally hate me. But the uniform that I wear somehow hides all that. There are just some people who become so affected by all the glamour, prestige, popularity and all other good things associated with my alma mater that they forgot that deep inside the cadets are in fact human beings just like all the others who would want to be liked, loved or even hated for their true person. I hate it when people do not see me beyond my being a cadet. I hate it when all they see is that I belong to this institution as if I am not a real person. And so there goes my story to that plebe's mother. I told her that I was simply a young man who wanted the same things that most of my peers want but is confronted by circumstances that forces someone to live in constant misconception. It is a situation where the things that I want to be is hidden by the things that my institution has created for me.
And so here I am putting everything out in the open. I am doing this because to a certain extent I enjoy the attention that sometimes I forget who I really am. The thing that bothers me is that I have abused this attention only to realize that I have done irrepairable damage to another person. Its not as if this has not happened before, it has in fact, I felt so bad about it, but then again I failed into the same trap, almost the same situation and now I want to fix this once and for all. This is the contradiction. This is because no matter how good a person wants to become, at some point he will succumb to temptations; at some point he will become stupid; and at some point he will learn his lesson the hard way. I believe that through this expression I will learn. My road towards overcoming my weakness has opened up in front of me and I am taking that route in full speed. Well I guess that is just how it is.

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