I am a person who believes that we always get what we deserve. This is based on the belief that God is always fair. As a result, I tend to always strive for the things that I want so that I will deserve it. That was how I did it. I improved on the things that I know I should work on, I study what I need to deserve what I want and pray hard that God will be faithful. That was how it isuntil the biggest frustration in my life.
Call me proud or whatever but I can confidently say that I am good at what I do. I am one because I tried my best to improve on it the moment I realized that I have the gift. There was this one point in my life that I realize that there was something in it for me, I took it as a sign and strived to excel on it. I guess people did notice because after sometime it was as if my name was attached to that something I am good at. I was happy with how it went and had this notion that I will get what I deserve.
How bad can it feel when suddenly all of the dreams that you strived for will be stolen by some uncontrollable force? It was a helpless situation that I find myself not knowing how to react or even merely contemplating on whether or not it was reality. I am allowing myself to feel all the feeling that goes with the frustration. The hatred, the anger, the mental torture that denies me of precious sleep. I allow the tears to fall, the questions to be blurted out even at nothingness. When I pray I ask God whether or not I was really not that deserving or if I have some unforgivable sin that justifies why this has to happen. The biggest tragedy is that it destroyed the very confidence I have on myself. It lead me to question if believing in concepts like fairness and justice is the way to do it in this world or should I simply kiss ass and be friendly so that I can have what I want? I am trying to understand if the way to succeed is striving for what you want or plainly becoming "berks" with the right people.
At this point, I am trying to find the wonder in life that I have believed so much about. I am trying to understand the lesson that I have to learn. But I am also believing that something good will come out. I am believing that justice will come at its proper time and that I will truly get what I deserve. I guess dreams are never stolen -- it is there in our hearts. People may try to cover it and allow us to be frustrated but that is where God placed it and no matter how tragic it feels, nothing can steal from me a dream that I have strived and fought for... Nothing... God Help me!!!