Friday, October 26, 2007

Heaven Sent

Forgive me for being out for so long and then being all of a sudden very romantic. But I guess periods come and the way my feelings are right now, I guess this is just inevitable.

With so many things going on right now inside the Academy (the 9th NDC and then Recognition for Class 2011) it is a surprise that romantic thoughts are the things that actually occupy my head the past days. I thought it was nothing but people seemed to notice. As of a few minutes ago from yesterday, I counted around ten times when people that I know actually go to me and ask me what's bothering me. It's obvious that there really is something that troubles me even to the people around me. And so I am confronting it.

The past month has been a blur on the things that I do for romance (or not). Its not like I really have a lot going on in this area but for the first time that I wore a cadet uniform, this area has become a major concern. Maybe it's because I am graduating in less than six months time and the next question that people ask me are all related to romance and, of course, marriage. From the little discussion that I have to major confrontations, it seems that the issue just keeps on bugging me. So this is a summary of my romantic episode.

I had a bad last relationship. It was bad because it came to a point that up to this day, I do not wish to communicate with that girl because of fear that everything will go back. A few days ago, she sent me a friendster message, trying to be friendly and all but I just ignored it. That is precisely the reason why in the succeeding years, I was just careful but hopeful. I ignored deliberate attempts by concerned people to hook me up with women on the premise that true love will find its way to me in God's time. There were several instances that I hated not taking so many chances in these area, but remained steadfast on the believe that good things are in store for me as God prepares me to be ready for that time to come. There have been several times when I find myself dreaming about a faceless bride but knew that when that bride finally will reveal her face, I would be happy. I know she will be from God.

That is the reason that when in my thirdclass year (that's second year of cadetship), I listened intently to a sign that I saw. People may think that I was imagining it or was simply trying to put some magic on my romantic encounters but deep in my heart I know there was something in that encounter. As I looked at her with the sun shining on her as she was asleep, it was as if my heart melted and I can not help it but cry. I knew that God was speaking to me, but I did not know what He's telling me. Coming back to Baguio a few days after that the thought never left me and found myself wanting to understand the feeling that I had as I was looking at her but did not know what to do since I was in Baguio and she was somewhere else... and we did not know each other. Later,I decided to act on it.

In the next one and a half year, I wrote her a letter a week (well at least I tried maybe missing not more than 10 letters). I told her stories about my life, about the things that I do in PMA, about my feelings on certain things about just about anything. I reasoned that if I made the effort to reach out, I am giving God the opportunity to do His thing and reveal what He was telling me in that fateful day. The catch is, she never wrote back only text messages, that said thank you or something like that. My classmates told me that I was being desperate. Somehow I could sense the truth in what they were saying but deep in my heart, I knew that I was following my heart. The one and a half year of writing those letters allowed me to examine my capacity to love people. The experience made me realize that love overflows in a person as long as he chooses to just love. I am a more loving person now because of writing her.

Well, people will ask why I stopped after one and a half year. The answer is that because my heart tells me that I should. As I told her in that last letter, I felt that I was being bad by continuing to write just because I was trying to make good with a promise that I will write her that often. I felt that I was betraying the message that I want her to understand because I was trying to be true to my words.

I kept with me all of the letters that I was not able to send (There were times that the letters that I wrote felt unfit for sending so I just kept it, I told her I will give it to her in the proper time). I also kept a bunch of the receipts that I got when sending those letters. More than those, I kept in my heart a memory of a beautiful lady that was to define the kind of loving person I am now or maybe the kind of loving person that I will be for the rest of my life.

Yesterday, I saw a piece of paper that was to canvass among the graduating cadets the words that they wished to be engraved on their mini-rings (the ring is a replica of the bull ring and has become some kind of a symbol of love given to a PMAers partner). Most of my classmates wrote their last names with the MRS. before it. Well that was safe since their mothers are MRS *family name*. But for me whose mother has already died, my MRS will definitely be my wife and I do not wish to preempt it. I spent the night thinking what I will write. I felt it has to reflect the kind of love that I wish to offer to that girl. I felt that although she is still the faceless bride in my dreams, she has to know that the ring was really hers in the first place. As I was writing this piece and having the chance to remember everything that I have been through in my romantic journey, I finally decided what to write.

Heaven Sent.

4 comments:

ian said...

i know that you know that in due time, she who is heaven sent will get the chance to wear that ring =] keep the faith! happy waiting =]

Anonymous said...

nice blogs. sorry for accidentally intruding in what would be called "blueprint of your life"

carry on.
hope you'll find your cadet girl in Gods time. Bakit wala kang nakita nung 9th NDC?, ang dami nila nun ah. :)

cipher

alex said...

Hindi naman ako naghahanap, if I was looking for one, madaling maghanap... cadet kaya ako... they are just everywhere... I'm WAITING not searching... although crush ko yung kadebate ko from Ateneo de Davao but I guess she was not impressed by my lousy definition of the motion we were debating on... hahaha well yun lang... thanks for visiting my blog

esmeralda said...

=)