Sunday, June 25, 2006

A bothered conscience

I just came from church and felt really bad. I did not feel bad over what I did, I felt bad on myself, it was a case of a bothered conscience.

I would like to think that I was always a good person. Not that I haven't done anything that was bad but because there was never a time that I intentionally really wanted to hurt people. As much as possible I weighed things in a manner tha was fair according to my own perspective of what is fair. I despise people who take advantage of other people's weaknesses and always wanted to give people the real deal of the things that I want to do that involved them. But yesterday was different. As if in one swift motion,I found myself betraying the very things that I believe to be fair and just. I hate it but temptations are just everywhere and we only realize that it is leading us to something bad only after we have fallen into the trap. Now, as I write these thoughts, I wonder if will I ever go back or can I ever redeem myself to the person that I abused and taken advantaged of. I am now thinking of opening up to an older person that I truly admire but somehow I am still bothered by thie guilt feeling I have inside plus the things that the person might think of me once I bring it out. When one has already done the bad deed, it is easier to just forget about it and remind one's self not to do it again, but for my part I just can not ignore my conscience who keeps on telling me that I had to do something. My conscience tells me that I had to correct my mistake and now, I am beginning to understand that it will cost me more that I can think of. I'm sorry but I just do not want to go into the details. I am still not prepared to reveal everything, maybe in time or maybe I will just camouflage it in the other things that I write, I simply do not know. What I do know is I will have to deal with it and pray to God that He will see me through.

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