Book Fair

PMA hosts this annual book fair at this time of the year. Its usually one of those times when I can just enjoy myself among the literary works of this generation. In my plebe year, the book fair was the first time that I was able to get hold of the book. I practically wanted to buy everything as I was on a "book drought" since April of that year. I spent around three thousand pesos of my savings just to be frustrated a week after because of lack of sleep and money spent on books that I have already read. When I went on my first break in March the year after that, I found "A different kind of Bookstore" and spent five thousand pesos of my break allowance all on books. A few days after I came back to PMA, I returned to my frustration of having spent a huge amount of money over books that I've finished reading.

The book fair in my thirdclass year (that's the second year) came at an appropriate time. It was that time when I was trying to find a good gift for a very beautiful lady that I recently met a week before that. She was to celebrate her birthday and I wanted to make her feel that I did remember her special day even if we were not exactly close. At that time, I already knew better and I was buying books sparingly. I was still able to enjoy the bounty of reading many books as other cadets bought books which I can borrow. My problem was no longer because of my depleted savings but it was more of lack of sleep wanting to finish a certain book despite of my cadet schedule.

In my secondclass year, the book fair had lesser books on display most of which I have already read. I, instead, started to hunt down old books inside the PMA library. I did not know that there was fiction in the collection but I found a whole shelf of it. A couple of years ago, I was caught by the way Judith Krantz described his characters. How there was so much emotion when she wrote about events in her novels. In a short span of time I just love her, believe me one would never imagine that someone from the military will actually appreciate the works of this author whose characters where mostly those from the rich and famous. The greater surprise is to find these types of books on the shelf of the library of the country's premier military school.

In another incident, I remembered reading something about the latest book of another author I idolized. I scoured bookstores for it. When I was finally able to find it, I realized that it was a good gift for the same girl I gave a gift to a year ago whose birthday was just around the corner. I bought the book at Gateway Mall and just to prevent myself from being frustrated again, I read the entire book on the bus going up to Baguio and then sending it to her upon my arrival.

Today, the book fair begins. A while ago I was reading Emarrah's blog about her addiction to reading. That was the reason why I suddenly had this thought about books in general. At the same time, I remembered that the girl that mesmerized me a few years back will again be celebrating her birthday. In her blog, she wished for things that she want and one of it is a book that will stimulate her brain. Is the book fair the answer to that? Or I'm just trying to interpret things that are not supposed to be interpreted?

This entry took one day to compose with thoughts ranging from excitement, conflicting ideas, hopeful imaginings and others just to get this done with and publish it on the blog. But I think the point is, reading or books in general has a way of connecting to me in areas that are not even that related. I am now reading Paulo Coelho's the Witch of Portobello and again I am amazed by the vastness of emotions I derive from reading. When I finally click the button that will publish this post, other ideas will come into play inside my head but I'm sure I will always see reading as one of those past times that captures the very essence of my person.

This time it's about God

I have not been blogging as often lately but that is because the past month was so busy that it was really so hard to find time to sit in front of a computer still with an idea that is intact inside my head. Usually I have "bloggable" ideas but tend to forget it as I indulge into more and more of the activities. So I am just sorting through all the ideas in my head and write about the topic that comes into play. This time, it's back to romance... I have been receiving a lot of replies from people who just love it when I write about this stuff.

Over the break, the topic that stood out in all the conversations I had was with this topic. Not that I spend so much time contemplating about this idea but it just seems that more and more people are becoming interested over the state of my love affair that they can't help it but ask me. For one, my dad bugged me with the question of bringing someone (a romantic someone -- that is) home just like my other siblings have done (and that includes my younger brother who is not even 14). While I was busy watching the Lion King with my niece, my other brother's girlfriend arrived, and then suddenly my aunt started to look at me differently. I felt that she was like saying I'm the only one who has not introduced someone. Going to gateway to meet a classmate in the afternoon, the conversations turned into just confessions on what I think about this girl that was some kind of a fling until recent events happened and I was finally able to prove that I do not have a thing for her. Going back to the house that night, I again have to listen to my father's litany of how he was some kind of a Casanova in his time then leading to the question of how come I am not bringing or just saying stories of anyone. And then many other conversations that just keeps on revolving on anything that has to do with my romantic encounters so I'm just spilling it.

There really is nothing to spill about. Not that I am happy about it but there is just nothing to tell. I suddenly realized that I have come to an unintentional fasting on dating and being involved with people. I mean, not that I do not have days when I envy the people around me who have people to whisper sweet nothings every now and then. To be honest, there were even times that I felt so bad about my being single that I had this weird resolutions only to say that it was a stupid idea when I become sane again. In the past more than three years, I could honestly say that I have not been involved with someone. Again not that it was a personal choice, I think it was a natural outcome of just not making that conscious effort to find it. I think it was brought about by the idea that it will come in its proper time.

There is this girl that I wrote about in my last blog entry who still confuses me with her "not revealing too much" attitude. I have so many thoughts inside my head about her but I do not want her to read this entry and find out about it, she will just have to ask me if she suddenly decides not to be busy.

A while ago, I realized that it really wasn't about her, its really about me rather my belief of things. I realized that I was waiting for a confirmation of some sort. I think everything is in place and that I am just waiting for an act of God to say that I will take the plunge. Do I court her? Definitely not but I will continue to love her the way I know how to love people. I guess by now she knows that I love her, but then its not about me... This time it's about God

Heaven Sent

Forgive me for being out for so long and then being all of a sudden very romantic. But I guess periods come and the way my feelings are right now, I guess this is just inevitable.

With so many things going on right now inside the Academy (the 9th NDC and then Recognition for Class 2011) it is a surprise that romantic thoughts are the things that actually occupy my head the past days. I thought it was nothing but people seemed to notice. As of a few minutes ago from yesterday, I counted around ten times when people that I know actually go to me and ask me what's bothering me. It's obvious that there really is something that troubles me even to the people around me. And so I am confronting it.

The past month has been a blur on the things that I do for romance (or not). Its not like I really have a lot going on in this area but for the first time that I wore a cadet uniform, this area has become a major concern. Maybe it's because I am graduating in less than six months time and the next question that people ask me are all related to romance and, of course, marriage. From the little discussion that I have to major confrontations, it seems that the issue just keeps on bugging me. So this is a summary of my romantic episode.

I had a bad last relationship. It was bad because it came to a point that up to this day, I do not wish to communicate with that girl because of fear that everything will go back. A few days ago, she sent me a friendster message, trying to be friendly and all but I just ignored it. That is precisely the reason why in the succeeding years, I was just careful but hopeful. I ignored deliberate attempts by concerned people to hook me up with women on the premise that true love will find its way to me in God's time. There were several instances that I hated not taking so many chances in these area, but remained steadfast on the believe that good things are in store for me as God prepares me to be ready for that time to come. There have been several times when I find myself dreaming about a faceless bride but knew that when that bride finally will reveal her face, I would be happy. I know she will be from God.

That is the reason that when in my thirdclass year (that's second year of cadetship), I listened intently to a sign that I saw. People may think that I was imagining it or was simply trying to put some magic on my romantic encounters but deep in my heart I know there was something in that encounter. As I looked at her with the sun shining on her as she was asleep, it was as if my heart melted and I can not help it but cry. I knew that God was speaking to me, but I did not know what He's telling me. Coming back to Baguio a few days after that the thought never left me and found myself wanting to understand the feeling that I had as I was looking at her but did not know what to do since I was in Baguio and she was somewhere else... and we did not know each other. Later,I decided to act on it.

In the next one and a half year, I wrote her a letter a week (well at least I tried maybe missing not more than 10 letters). I told her stories about my life, about the things that I do in PMA, about my feelings on certain things about just about anything. I reasoned that if I made the effort to reach out, I am giving God the opportunity to do His thing and reveal what He was telling me in that fateful day. The catch is, she never wrote back only text messages, that said thank you or something like that. My classmates told me that I was being desperate. Somehow I could sense the truth in what they were saying but deep in my heart, I knew that I was following my heart. The one and a half year of writing those letters allowed me to examine my capacity to love people. The experience made me realize that love overflows in a person as long as he chooses to just love. I am a more loving person now because of writing her.

Well, people will ask why I stopped after one and a half year. The answer is that because my heart tells me that I should. As I told her in that last letter, I felt that I was being bad by continuing to write just because I was trying to make good with a promise that I will write her that often. I felt that I was betraying the message that I want her to understand because I was trying to be true to my words.

I kept with me all of the letters that I was not able to send (There were times that the letters that I wrote felt unfit for sending so I just kept it, I told her I will give it to her in the proper time). I also kept a bunch of the receipts that I got when sending those letters. More than those, I kept in my heart a memory of a beautiful lady that was to define the kind of loving person I am now or maybe the kind of loving person that I will be for the rest of my life.

Yesterday, I saw a piece of paper that was to canvass among the graduating cadets the words that they wished to be engraved on their mini-rings (the ring is a replica of the bull ring and has become some kind of a symbol of love given to a PMAers partner). Most of my classmates wrote their last names with the MRS. before it. Well that was safe since their mothers are MRS *family name*. But for me whose mother has already died, my MRS will definitely be my wife and I do not wish to preempt it. I spent the night thinking what I will write. I felt it has to reflect the kind of love that I wish to offer to that girl. I felt that although she is still the faceless bride in my dreams, she has to know that the ring was really hers in the first place. As I was writing this piece and having the chance to remember everything that I have been through in my romantic journey, I finally decided what to write.

Heaven Sent.

Randomness of thought

If in the previous years, I almost always felt lonely about being here in Baguio, I'm feeling different this time around. I thought this feeling will just pass, but then it stuck to me and I am beginning to think that I will be having the same emotion for long.

Last week, my phone was confiscated. I am hoping that I will get it soon but for some reason, I seem not to be that interested in having it returned to me soon. For no apparent reason (at least nothing that I am aware of), I am contented with being detached from "civilization" with the internet being the only way to find me. How weird is that?

Just before I went to Nueva Ecija last month, I started watching the series One Tree Hill. Yesterday, I finished the 15th episode of season 4 and I hate the fact that I can not find the continuation of the season. For some reason, the DVD ended in the part where Peyton meets her stalker just before she goes to her senior prom I do not know what happens next. So I started watching Numb3rs, I'm enjoying it but I still can't help but wonder what happened at One Tree Hill. Moral lesson: always buy a complete season. :)

Well life is better now, considering that I am at the very top of the cadet hierarchy already and of course, graduation is just 9 months away. I am not worried much, I am just very eager to enjoy the rest of my remaining days as a cadet.

Anyway, its not like everything is good. If things are well in most things about my life, there is still one area that makes me wonder everytime I am by myself. As I said to one friend, I am at a stage where life seems to lead to happily ever after and my problem is not about going towards it but having someone to share it with. Well it is still the same thing as before, the same girl, the same confusion. But then again, its not as if its the end of the world, I am believing that everything will come into place in God's time, I just hope it will be sooner... I hope you are reading this...

Unearthing the feeling

I want to write about a thought that has occupied me since last night, but I do not know where to start. I tried getting inspiration from my previous entries and although I remember the feelings I had in writing those, I do not know how to unearth the feelings I have right now. Finally I decided to just repost the entries those entries and let it linger.

This entry is taken from this blog about a year ago:

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The prayer of a longing heart

"...It was not long ago when I started feeling differently about the things that are happening to me. This different feeling has developed into a longing for something or rather for someone. Believe it or not there is never a day that I do not think of that someone. A few months ago I decided that I will just wait how things will come. I will never be aggressive, I will never push my luck. I decided to stand firm in my convictions that love will come in a manner that only God dictates. The letters that I wrote her once a week became an activity that I looked forward to and for no apparent reason my life suddenly drifted around her. It's surprising because she never replied to any of the letters I sent her and yet each day I grow more and more engrossed by my feelings. I continued to ponder on this finding reason but finally just believing that something is happening outside my understanding. The love letter that I wrote a few days ago was something that came out just by thinking about her while my entries has somewhat revolved on topics about love. The Formal Dinner last Saturday although a disaster became somewhat of a cause for anticipation of next year's Formal Dinner. The talk of our rings coming and other class memorabilia do not come to me as a sign of achieving my dreams but a reminder that there has to be someone with me when I achieve my dreams. Maybe I am just imagining things, seeing everything as a reflection of something that I do not have but I remembered my prayer a long long time ago I realized she was the one, I said to God "Lord, guide my heart." I gave it all up to Him the moment I felt that tickle in my system and I am believing that it still is. With all the "funny" feelings I have I can just be hopeful and continue to believe in the beauty of this wonderful journey that I am going through. I guess I really am in love, by all means my heart tells me that I am in that state and I am finally accepting it. As I stand in silence talking to God in one dark corner with several others saying their own concerns, I finally admitted to God that I love her and I am trusting God to do what He has to do."

God, should I still go on??

A love letter that is not to be read yet.

I was watching this movie the other day and it kept me awake until 1 in the morning. The movie was about two people who met each other by some twist of fate, experienced a very romantic chemistry between them and then decided to just leave it at that when they came back to their different places. They came from different countries and they thought that if they continued to contact each other, they will lose the magic that they had when they were together the first time around. I hated that the movie had to end that way although I think it's very possible that their fears might be true.

I am quite sure that I will not find myself in the position of the couple since I was always a risk taker. But watching the movie and understanding that the first of the couple is not remotely possible, there was this uneasiness inside my heart. The truth is, I have seen many couples who just "lost that loving feeling" through the years. I remembered someone I knew who was so in love with this person to the point that even when we were together, he can't stop talking about this girl. Fast forward to 5 years after, they got married had a son and now they hate each other guts. Looking at their situation their was the extreme side of a long pole that spells the difference of love and hate. But then I also remembered how my parents were. I remembered trying to find my own solution to their problems so that when my time comes I will not repeat their mistakes. I decided to always remember the time when I first fell in love with the person.

Today, I could say that I am in a state that somehow sings to that tune. I do not wish to put the details but I am just saying that I am, from the deepest chambers of my heart, in love. Now after watching the movie, and having the same fear as the characters of the movie had, I decided to write my feelings for this person for me to always remember it. I have no intention to have her read this yet but I just want to record it. So I am writing her a letter that is not for her to read yet. Here it is:

"I am troubled as I write this letter. I am troubled not because I do not know what to write but because I am not sure if now is the time that I should express this. I am troubled because to admit my feelings is a risk that I am not exactly sure that I am ready to take. But I guess I will never be ready and the uncertainty will always be there, what is certain and will never change will be the feelings that continues to occupy my soul.

I have always believed that things do not happen by accident. We live our lives doing what we do and God manifests himself as we go along meeting accidents that we never really understand. Meeting you was one such instant, when without the understanding of the whole situation I knew that it was God’s way of revealing himself to me. The magical moment that lead to this very conclusion was something that changed my life forever. The emotion that has filled my heart caused me to appreciate the beauty of life which just renews my spirit with each passing day.

I remember the exact moment when you were in your deep sleep early one morning. The sun barely creeping, I was tired from doing the newsletter the night before. As if nature was conspiring to create that instant, the sun’s rays were like a spotlight that pointed directly to you. In your slumber, you had an aura that evoked magnificence that revealed a beauty more than your angelic face, a beauty that revealed the very nature of God himself. My eyes started to get misty knowing that I am witnessing a miracle. I knew then that my life has changed forever because of you. This letter will come to you in due time. This is a testament of a heart that love has touched, a love that only the heart understands… a love that is divine. The future is uncertain but the future always reveals the truth. It always hopes for the better, always perseveres and always believes. I believe in the wonder of God. I believe that just as how the events unfolded, I am also believing that however things will come, the love that I offer you will manifest its sincerity, its honesty just as how all true love manifests itself. I believe all this for in the end love only endures as long as we believe in it. I love you from the bottom of my heart and everyday my heart only longs for you".

That's it...

Love on Valentine's Day

When February started, I received a text message with the following content:

"Dahil February na, magmamahal na ako -- Globe Unlimitxt"

Then just this morning, I had two messages, all of which were greeting me with Happy Heart's Day. Finally, my instructor in my first period class just had to greet everyone Happy Valentine's Day. I wonder how to go about these things.

I do not know if this is true in all places but there seems to be this unofficial tradition about Valentine's Day. Not that its a bad thing but just observing the things that are happening around at this time of the year, you begin to ask yourself if people really do things like how they do it on Valentine's day or is it just because of the season that suddenly settles inself inside the psyche of the people? Let us examine this phenomenon.

One may not have realized but in occassions like this most people will go out of their way to think about all the romance they can muster inside their system. Its like an inevitable feeling that convinces everyone that this is how things should be at this time of the year. It is interesting that at some point in a year in everyone's life, they actually make an effort to really love. The sad thing though is that after all the romance has faded away, the month changes, it is so easy to forget about love and just be reminded about it when February comes back again and everything is red.

In a conversation with my sister about a week ago, I was telling her about love being a state of a person and not some feeling. I told her that it is really not about the other person that we choose to love but its about the person that we become out of the love that we give. In my experience as a person who has always tried his best to give out love to the people I care about, I have learned that no matter how things will be we never lost in love, instead we find out things that we do not know existed. These things allow as to go on loving without really thinking of the outcome of the things that we do. I say that it is a state of a person for the primary reaso0n that it begins with a decision to just do it, letting go of ourselves and then allowing them to experience a part of us. There is no expectation of something in return, there is just this wonderful feeling that loving is enough and the assurance of a promise from God who created love itself. The wonder of love is not on its feeling but in its ability to understand and sustain things despite of everything that happens that in some way contrary to our common conception of how things should be. In the end it is about deciding to do it not because our calendar says its February 14, or that there is something that we can get out of it but for the simple reason that not to do it is a betrayal of the kind of person we were created in the first place.

I wonder if amidst all the romance that is around us at this time of the year, we have really made that effort to just love even when things do not seem appropriate for such feeling. It is the hardest thing to do yet the most noble. I do not know how to put this but having been through life and experiencing love from all types of people, I learned that love never leaves us. It always leaves a trail that always reveals to us the beauty and wonder of everything that is in this world.

So I stick to this definition in the Bible claiming the promise in the last sentence:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails"

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

The thing that changed

It is hard when there are just so many thoughts inside your head. The moment this window appeared, all of those ideas seems to race out of my head all wanting a piece of the space intended for this blog entry. Something has happened inside me and I am just about to describe it.

A person that I truly care about has always commented in my being spontaneous. I have always believed that following my heart was the way to do things even if I do not understand why I do it. Last December 23, while I was sharing pizza and some pasta with a very good friend, we were talking about whether or not I was in love. Yes, the love topic is back in my system. She was telling me that if I really wasn't in love, why is it that I am devoting so much time and effort into making this lady feel that she is special. She further asked me why is it that I do not do it to others, even to her although we are the best of friends. I also wondered and my reply was that I was being spontaneous. I reasoned that to be in love with a person that I barely know (I am admitting that I barely know her considering that we haven't really spent that much time together) is an idea that even I do not believe to be possible. I would like to think that I am doing what I do because that is what my heart tells me to do and my soul just feels so good doing it to her, if that is how being in love is then it might be. The discussion did not have a definite conclusion. Instead, I spent the next days thinking and evaluating my feelings.

I remember the time when I started seeing her differently. It was early in the morning while the rest of the world was in slumber. As the sun crept inside the room we were all resting, it was as if there was some kind of a spotlight pointed at this sleeping beauty. I resolved that it was God showing me something and she was the object of that something. From that day, I wanted to find out that something. Well, PMA does not really allow that to be an easy possibility. But then there was something that I felt I needed to do and I decided to do it even if I was in PMA and she was some place else. For some reason, there is some sort of unlimited energy that allowed me to do write her a letter week after week. Although there were times that I felt I was not going to keep on doing it, I did and the weeks became months and now it will be a year. I still do not have the slightest idea what is it that I have to find out. I am taking a chance without really directing what is it that I want to happen. I am waiting for another whisper, another sign that I do not know will come. I am living life, and enjoying it as I try to figure out what is it that I have to learn in this great adventure where this girl is a major character.

Now I am in some place and I just saw her earlier today. Nothing special really but it was to go down as a very important memory in my life. There were no sweet nothings nor romantic moments. It wasn't like those that we see in movies and there was definitely no Judy Ann Santos or Ryan Agoncillo among us. Although there were few stolen glances from me into her eyes, I still wondered if the eyes that I saw evoked some kind of message that I have to understand. Life went on when we parted ways. The thought still lingers inside my head and some of it have found themselves in this blog. I figured that life will still be the same after, even when I go back to PMA and resume my weekly letters. But as I said something did change and it happened as we were standing in front of candles that I did not know the reason why it has to be lighted. On her back as she was saying her prayers, I took the longest glance I could remember. It maybe because of the ambiance in that church or any other reason that I will never understand. As I was looking at her, there was a familiar feeling, it was the same as that when that spotlight appeared while she was sleeping more than a year ago. This time, it wasn't something that I did not know. It was something that I wished would last forever. Then I said my own prayers, and I said:

"Lord, I do not understand why all the candles are here, or what all the things around here had to do with faith. I am very sure of my faith and I do not see anything wrong with those who practice their faith differently from me. In the same way that You know how my faith is, I would like to think that You also know how I feel for this young lady in front of me and just as what I always do when it seems that I am so sure of my feelings, I give it up and allow You to do what You have to do."

Before she turned her back to look at me, I was already able to wipe a drop of tear that I was trying to stop while I was saying my prayers. I hope she did not notice.

Imaginations

Pwede bang hini ko muna itutuloy yung series ko?

Reply: Pwede, by the looks lang sa'yo kaya yung blog

Thank you...

I was not able to sleep well yesterday afternoon. While my room mates were snoring away the afternoon, I was tossing and turning in my bunks (that's bed for you) trying to discard that thought that has constantly bothered me. Oh, bother is not exactly the word, it is just something that I can not get my mind off, it was fun but I just can not sleep because of it. Even as I was wrting the entry before this, my mind was wandering, I just have to force myself to squeeze out the remaining sense of me regarding that topic. This morning as I open my friendster account, I couldn't take it anymore, so I am writing it here, and perhaps just maybe something good will come out.

It is not easy being me. I mean with the finals fast approaching, everybody talking about what to do on break, the closer it gets, the weirder I feel. Its not that I feel so bad at not going on break, its just that the things that I will be missing is beginning to get a hold of me. Yesterday afternoon, I was imagining a dozen white roses early in the morning, with poetry attached. The words of that poem is somethign that I have not written but has constantly plagued my mind for say the past couple of months. I was thinking of beautiful hands against mine putting it above my heart as it beats nervously, not because I was afraid but because it can not take the happiness that it is experiencing. I was thinking of a beautiful romantic movie where the two people who watched it together are not talking. They are so focused on the movie being shown and it seems that they do not know each other. But inside that is not the case. Both of them are inside the movie, they are the main characters, when the two love birds in the movie kiss, both of them also wants to kiss each other. And yet they remain silent and it all seems that they are very much concentrated on the movie. When they finally go out, they proceed to the nearest restaurant where instead of ordering, they look into each others eyes as the waiter on their side impatiently waits for each of them to say a word. But they do not, little by little their hands are moving towards each other until finally they touch. Each hand is secured firmly to the other. They finally look at the waiter and in unison say, "Ice tea na lang." They pretend that they are not holding each other's hands so they talk. They started talking about the movie. Each of them are trying remember the details of the movie, analyze it and look intelligent for the other. The truth though is that both of them have not really "watched" the movie they just made it an excuse for them to be together. The whole time they were simply wishing that it will never end. Then the ice tea arrives. The waiter now is a lady who is clearly disturbed. She is disturbed because the two people that ordered the iced tea look so weird yet beautiful together. Thirty minutes after they were sitting, reality finally sank and they felt the hunger. They ordered their meals, ate it, paid for it and they were off. The light suddenly goes back and I realized that I had used up the whole afternoon just imagining. A little while, my snoring room mates started to wake up. I went to the sink (that's the bathroom) and I am back to reality. I am back inside the tiled barracks and will not be able to see freedom again in the next two months or so.

I am weird. My imaginations are weird but these are born of longings that only I could understand. Yesterday wasn't a blast but in my heart I knew what I was looking for. Thanks God.

The prayer of a longing heart

I said a simple prayer after taking my dinner this evening. It was some prayer that I haven't said for a while.

These past days had been somewhat of a haze. With so many things going on, I have somewhat forgotten the things that I like doing and concentrated so much on what I had to do. With the Formal Dinner last saturday, I was more preoccupied with not being slugged for not finding a partner rather than be happy by the fact that I am about to experience something that can only be experienced when one goes up to the ladder in the Academy. The next day in Church, trying to ward of drowsiness from lack of sleep the day before, I busied myself with teaching the children at Sunday School the song they were to perform for the Church Anniversary a few weeks from now. I was amazed by the patience of the other young people teaching them and felt sorry for myself for not having that much patience, I'd rather have plebes than little children below 10 years old. Then yesterday, I tried myself to write something of sense in this blog hoping that I can come up with something worth reading. Reading it now, I realized that the beauty of what I write here is that my heart speaks through the words, last night's entry was an attempt to sound concerned. It is not to say that I am not concerned with the affairs of the country, its just that at that time, my heart occupied more pressing issues in my personality. As I stand in silent prayer after dinner earlier this evening, I realized that my heart had been longing for something. I then went on for study period reviewing for my major exam tomorrow, I was gazing at the different things I placed in my study table still very contemplative although trying to remember the facts about the medieval period which will be my exam tomorrow. Then familiar songs played in the computer behind me, songs that I love to sing, songs of praise and worship. I realized God was trying to talk to me, He was whispering to my heart. I finally heeded the urge, and started walking towards the computer laboratory, I wanted to understand the longings of my heart.

It was not long ago when I started feeling differently about the things that are happening to me. This different feeling has developed into a longing for something or rather for someone. Believe it or not there is never a day that I do not think of that someone. A few months ago I decided that I will just wait how things will come. I will never be agressive, I will never push my luck. I decided to stand firm in my convictions that love will come in a manner that only God dictates. The letters that I wrote her once a week became an activity that I looked forward to and for no apparent reason my life suddenly drifted around her. It's surprising because she never replied to any of the letters I sent her and yet each day I grow more and more engrossed by my feelings. I continued to ponder on this finding reason but finally just believing that something is happening outside my understanding. The love letter that I wrote a few days ago was something that came out just by thinking about her while my entries has somewhat revolved on topics about love. The Formal Dinner last saturday although a disaster became somewhat of a cause for anticipation of next year's Formal Dinner. The talk of our rings coming and other class memorabilias do not come to me as a sign of achieving my dreams but a reminder that there has to be someone with me when I achieve my dreams. Maybe I am just imagining things, seeing everything as a reflection of something that I do not have but I remembered my prayer a long long time ago I realized she was the one, I said to God "Lord, guide my heart." I gave it all up to Him the moment I felt that tickle in my system and I am believing that it still is. With all the "funny" feelings I have I can just be hopeful and continue to believe in the beauty of this wonderful journey that I am going through. I guess I really am in love, by all means my heart tells me that I am in that state and I am finally accepting it. As I stand in silence talking to God in one dark corner with several others saying their own concerns, I finaly admitted to God that I love her and I am trusting God to do what He has to do.

Some Love Letter

I wanted to tell you how I feel but I do not know how to begin. The confusion that I am experiencing is something that I can not understand. I just know that it is from my heart and it is that feeling that keeps me alive these past days. The loneliness that I feel every now and then is overshadowed by the mere thought of the wonderful things that I remember about you. It is an irony that even if I try to remain within reason, the irrational part of me overtakes the very being that I try to uphold. I end up giving it all up and allowing myself to be swallowed by the vast emotions that my heart constantly whispers into my system.

It is not always that people have so much effect on my. Although I try my best to reach people in a deeper sense, it is not always that it goes to that. But you were different. You were somewhat of little flicker that kept on growing and growing eventually becoming a brushfire that has consumed my very existence. In the simplest way of putting it, you made my spirit alive. Every night as I try my best to get away from all the stress that contends me each day, I smile to the heavens realizing that you are in my life. The very thought of you makes me want to go on with what I do ignoring the frustrations and other dillemas and just continuing to believe in the beauty of what life has to offer. It is in the assurance that you are just there somewhere prods me to live life to the fullest, love the world and thank God for everything. My heart dwells on the thought of you and it lives in the belief that it is for your taking.

I say this now because I may not be able to say this to you. If the time comes that the opportunity will present itself for me to say all this to you then I would gladly say it but if not, this will become a testament of how my heart loved you dearly and that how you brought life to it. I do not know the future. Although I am hoping that it will be something where we will be together it is never a certainty, what is certain is my heart that hopes for certainty. I love you from the bottom of my heart.

The language of a loving heart

Today I will write about love. I guess love is all around me these past days and its inevitable, I can not brush it off. As I was roaming around the library the yesterday looking for books I can read, I chanced upon this book entitled The Greatest Letters of all Times. It was an old book, hardbound and by the looks of it is old. I was not able to find out when the book was published but I was able to browse through its content. It was a compilation of letters written by the great people of history from Napoleon Bonaparte to Victor Hugo, Dostoyevsky and other great men. The topics ranged from pleading for mercy, to waging war and of course love letters. Of course I immediately went to the section on love letters and I was touched by the love story of two greatest poets as illustrated in the love letters they sent to each other: Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett.

Robert Browning first heard of Elizabeth Barrett through her poems. Elizabeth then who only had admiration to Browning because of his works was immediately impressed when he sent her a letter telling her of how he was touched by her poems. From this initial exchange of letters, Elizabeth Barrett became Elizabeth Browning even against his father's liking. She was never forgiven by her father and yet the love story that she shared with Browning is considered as one of the most celebrated romance of all time. With this feeling Elizabeth got the inspiration to write her most popular work ever, 43 of Sonnets from the Portuegese and it read:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints!---I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!---and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

The language of the heart does transcend time and it pierces through the soul of anyone who has known love. I personally feel that the poem is what it is now because it is clearly the language of a loving heart, a heart that was freed and dared to give everything for love.

My so-called Lovelife

<-- Ito ang aking pet sa barracks... har har

There are many things that I feel right now but I find it hard to express. I really want to say it but I'm just confused. But I'm always like this and the more and play with the keyboard and just be spontaneous something of sense will come out.

As I was reviewing for a major exam last night, I had the chance of having some little text chat with a friend from far away. It wasn't exactly the chat that I always do as most of my friends have given up asking me how I am because I also have become board giving them good answers. It has been like that for the past month, even the one friend who continues to send me letters through the postal service has ran out of things to say because she now has her boylet to say those things to. My classmates, especially my room mates, are not exactly the type of people that would be interested to listen to my rantings as the do not exactly know my soft side. So, I was left with this one person who could at least enlighten me with the things that have been bothering my mind.

My so called lovelife as I keep on babbling about in this blog is limited to a letter a week and some text message once in two months. Over the months, I have somewhat became comfortable with that and did not really mind much. In the earlier part I was a bit restless, apprehensive and even fearsome because I was just revealing myself to someone that I do not even know who wants to be told with those nonesense. There are times that I would spend most of the night just wondering about the things that I do not know. But I continue to write believing that what we reap is what we sow. I gain confidence in my optimistic view on things and on the premiss that my intentions are pure and sincere. In the days that I had to give up some luxuries when I went to Leadership Development Course, I tried my best to find time to write, some of which were written on dirty pieces of paper that was an evident on the kind of life I was subjected to in that training. In the nights that I write those letters, my classmate would make fun at me saying that I was just plain stupid. But I went on, asking other people to mail the letters for me (which they did not do) even saving the little money that I have so that I can mail my letters when time permits. But eventhough the possibility of going to the post office was very slim, I continued to write because I wanted to capture the exact emotion I had and how I have been longing for something... maybe how I have been longing for her. Even as I moved on to become squad leader to the new plebes who were at summer camp then, I squeezed in letter writing even if the training directorate required so much time for the squad leaders that it was really very exhausting. I survived all that and began a new academic term where I have more time to write. I guess the point I am driving at is that despite of the things that I encountered trying to make my letters and the disappointment of not having to receive anything as a feedback, I have come to love it. Not because I am some self centered person who enjoys narrating stories about himself but because it's as if I am sharing my life with someone. Somehow, there is this hope that a time will come that she will also share hers with mine. I realized that in my situation thats the least that I can do to at least put emphasis the point that something in me was changed because of the way she touched my life.

My rantings are useless to most people as I have heard many who just told me as plainly stupid but what the heck. I don't think believing in something that is good in the purest intentions is being stupid even if it takes a long long time to be realized. I am choosing to believe that at the end of it all it is not how people think of me, it is on how true I was to myself and to the feelings that I have for someone who just made my life a little better. Although I do not necessarily feel good about my state, I am contented with my life and I know that whatever it is that comes out of this, it will only be for the better... But I really really hope she snaps out of it....

Romance or "romance"

A couple of years back, I received a phone call from a lady friend. She was crying from the other line and she told me about her recent heartbreak. I think she was just so heartbroken with noone to talk to that she called me. I once courted this girl but not really agressively, she knows that I like her, we enjoyed each other's company but I wasn't just that interested. We were good friends. We talked for almost 30 minutes and after saying our goodbyes the call ended. We never mendtioned that convesation to each other everytime we see each other after that. It was as if it did not happen. And then we lost track of each other lived different lives and then I find myself here in PMA. One time as I was browsing through Friendster, I saw her sister's account. I felt that it was some twist of fate so I sent her sister a message asking for her number. A few weeks after I had her number sent her a short text message and then we were asking what happened to each other after seeing Claudine Barreto's Kailangan Kita (that was the last time we were together). I learned that she already graduated from college. She is about to be married in a year's time and is doing very well professionally. I wanted to see her when I go to Manila she seems not interested. So we became text friends, sending each other text messages every now and then. Because I wanted to see her, I always tell her when I will be in Manila. Then one time, while I was in Manila she called me up. She was again asking me another love question. She met the man who broke her heart (the one in that frantic phone call) and that he was courting him again. I was surprised that he was asking me because first I do not know anything about her life now especially the circumstances with her fiance but also why was I the one she asked. I later realized that she was already decided to leave her fiance and go to the other man (that broke her heart). I realized then that this girl is still living in a fairy tale. I later understood that the reason why we never became a couple was because she lived in a fairy tale and in that tale I was just the confidant. That boy(the one that broke her heart) was her prince charming and that was the reason why she was ready to leave her fiance almost immediately. She had to complete the tale so she has to tell her confidant(that was me). It's weird to think there was I time I felt so madly in love with this girl and that she graduated from the country's state university with high distinctions. I reprimanded her in the phone for that. We ended up having some kind of a fight that up to now she never sent me any text message. I do not know if she did leave her fiance and went to the boy who broke her heart. I guess she is just stupid (more stupid because she did not have me. I realized that romance can sometimes put us out of reality, cause us to become stupid.

I tell this story because I wonder if I am being stupid with what I am doing right now. Last night I received a text message from an older friend who knew my recent crush. She was the teacher of this girl that I had been sending a letter every week since January of this year. Upon her insistent inquiry, I admitted my great admiration to her student and told me things that somehow made me feel a little better with what is happening with my so called Love life. Every now and then, I look at the pictures of this girl and wonder if the juice is really worth the squeeze. Mind you it's not easy being me. Not that I am so proud of my "love" affairs but as a cadet I have discouraged so many of my admirers, really I have a few as I said I am a cadet. Nothing much is happening except that every sunday evening I contemplate hard on what to write to that lovely girl far far away that has swept me off my feet. When she sent me a text message last night I was the happiest person to think there wasn't even anything to be happy about with what she told me. When I learned from her posts in friendster that she was reading the book I gave her (and loving it) my heart leapt. I do not wish to answer whether I am being stupid with what I am doing. Honestly, I know that the reason why I do what I do is because to a certain extent I am still clinging on to that little hope that somehow my efforts will not be in vain.

In my last letter to her I said "...I told you before that I will only stop writing this letters once you tell me to stop. Somehow, I'm wishing that you'll never tell me to stop hoping that in the end something good will come out of whatever it is that I am doing. So I countinue to write... write... and write some more." Well that's it and I pray hard to God everyday for that something good.