Beginning the Transition

It has been a while since I was really able to write something worth reading in this Blog. I guess I am really just busy or maybe pretending that I am busy. Yes, graduation is really taking its toll in me but I guess I really have to write. I think as I say goodbye to my last days as a cadet, I just have to take some time to look back and be thankful for all of it.

Yesterday, when I came up to Baguio after four long days (and nights) of lay outing and editing the graduation issue of the Corps Magazine, I had a thought as I made the last stop over in Sison, Pangasinan. I realized that it would be the last time that I will be stopping in that stop over as a cadet. I mean, the next time that I will be stopping there would be because I really had the intention to come up to Baguio, maybe to visit some friends or just have a vacation. Gone are the days when I am forced to ride on a bus going up because I have to be at Baguio at a certain time. The feeling is not that good as I discuss it with another classmate who was with me. It was a weird feeling really. And so, I fell that somehow, although this blog can be full of all the many memories I had inside this Academy, it is still worth a few moments to really write about the things that made my stay hear special. I guess this maybe my form of saying goodbye to Baguio City, to PMA and more importantly to being a cadet.

In a comment by a frequent visitor to this Blog, he said that it was a good thing that I am able to share my life inside this academy. I guess, with his following my blog entries, I believe he has more or less a better idea of how things really are in this Academy, beyond the publicity and the perception that is attributed to this institution. I think that subconsciously, that was partly the reason why I kept on writing in this blog. I simply wanted to give people a glimpse of how we go about our lives here to somehow put a little humanity on the cadets. I feel that by doing that, the public will be more understanding and more importantly more supportive of the reasons why we do the things that we do. Of course, there have been times that I was criticized. There were occassions that I had to edit out entries or not publish it altogether for fear of exposing the things that I am not to expose. In the almost four years that I have been blogging inside the Academy, I have learned to censor myself on topics to write about without really sacrificing my independence on the way I perceive things. But with those limitations, I do think that this blog was still successful in being true to its name -- a diary inside Melchor Hall.

And so I continue to write. In the coming days, I will begin with the transition of this blog from inside my beloved Academy to that of the bigger organization I will be joining... the Armed Forces of the Philippines, more particularly the Philippine Army. I believe there will be more challenges ahead and the surprises will be more different. As I continue my journey, I am hoping that the learning process will be worthwhile and at the same time the message I am trying to communicate will be able to at least lead to an understanding of the person behind the soldiers that fight for this country.

At this point, I am opening people's comments about this blog, kindly comment on anything that you feel about this blog. Just say your honest opinion and perhaps I will be able to use that to improve myself and the way I write about my experiences. Thank you very much people...

Ending the diaries

I realized that this blog is coming to an end. I mean not in the literal sense but some kind of an end to a chapter and a beginning of another one. In less than a month, I will have to end my diaries from the Melchor Hall and begin blogging outside of the Academy. I can't believe how time flies so fast. Imagine I have blogged a total of at least 5 years. Meaning, 5 years of my life is in cyberspace.

The first Ang Munting Bukayo appeared sometime in 2003. I did not know blogging then and I was plainly writing my thoughts and publish it in the web. I did not plan on doing it continuously and just enjoyed writing. In April 2004, I stopped blogging to devote my attention into coming back to PMA as a plebe. Through, a project in an IT subject, I resurrected this blog in January 2005 and had it hosted at blogspot ever since. I also attached the phrase: "Diaries from Melchor Hall" to mean that the blogs were written while I was a cadet. Again, I just kept on writing. I realized now that my blog has become somewhat of a diary of how one person copes up with cadetship and training inside the country's premier military institution. Every now and then, I read my previous blogs and feel that my life has been so exciting and rewarding in my own right. I guess the best teachers in our life are our experiences and the way we handle it.

Today, marks the last remaining days of "my diaries from Melchor Hall." Whether I like it or not, I will have to move on and embrace my incoming role as an officer in the Armed Forces. I do not think that I can stop blogging as of this time. I am still exploring what to do next once this blog ends. For sure, I will keep on writing.

To those who kept on coming back to this blog, I hope I have done you a little good by sharing my life in the same way that writing it has been very fulfilling. You can view the whole blog through the archives below.

Why I like Obama to get the Democrat Nomination?

I really do not write much about political issues in this blog. Not that I do not have a clue of these issues but I feel safer not writing about these things as I am a member of the Armed Forces and there are certain restrictions on how I should express my opinions especially on anything political. But then again, I think I am the first person that should have a concern on our political affairs. So for this blog I will write something political without necessarily compromising my being a member of the Armed Forces.

I have been following the news lately. Not because I am so interested with the brouhaha that is clouding our political arena, but more particularly, because I am so interested on who gets to become the Presidential Candidate of the Democrats in the US elections. In this entry, I will explain why I am giving attention to what is happening in the United States right now. In one end of this electoral contest is a wife of a former president and probably the first woman to reach this far in the race. On the other, is an African-American, whose popularity is so amazing in a country that almost went to civil war because of racial discrimation 40 years ago. I try myself to update with what is happening, reading facts about the candidates but the real reason why I can't get myself to ignore what is happening is the fact that I feel that I am witnessing a major change in the maturity of how America is holding its electoral process. I feel that this maturity is something that we Filipinos can learn from.

Last summer, I went on an On the job training in the different Infantry Batallions in Central Luzon. Going there, I had to pass through Pampanga, and I was so amazed reading all the good things people put up in front of their houses in support of their now-governor Panlilio. Again, I do not know much of the credentials of this priest but coming to think of it, a province actually voted for a priest who had no Political claims before he ran for office should tell us that something very good is happening in the maturity of these people. In the next months that we were a witness to, it seems to me that the Kapampangans were correct. Somehow, I pray that this will start a fire in the political consciousness of our people.

Being here in the Academy, many of the issues I read in the news can be confusing. Firstly, because I do not have all the time to really read all the details about certain issues leaving some holes when I try to digest the facts about it. And secondly, because I am not with the people to actually experience and get a good grasp of how these issues affect my countrymen in general. But then, in here, I am bombarded with subjects of nationalism, love of country and many other virtues that, in my young mind, to give up on this country is like committing a deadly sin deliberately. And so, every now and then, news that mark maturity and improvement delight in a way that I can not imagine. I am delighted because the society that I will be serving in a few days time is showing hope. I am delighted because there is hope for my people.

Now, with all the things that we find in our news right now, one can be distracted with the many revelations (or lies) that are thrown by one party to another. People complain about why so and so is like this and like that. But I would like to think that although some of the news that we see or read may not be that promising, the people on which this consciousness is being delivered are becoming mature in choosing what to believe in and realizing that their role is important in our democracy. I believe that we are in a period where the Filipinos are more discerning and more nationalistic. In some distant future, I am confident that we will become a better nation and everything that we hate about this country will just be remembered as nightmares of the past.

I like Obama to get the nomination (and hopefully become president) because in the history of the United States, this seemed to be impossible yet democracy is making it possible. I do not have a clue on how different he is in terms of policy with any other candidates but I know that if he wins, it will be setting a benchmark that I hope our country will emulate.

Rantings

I would have written about something different when I decided to sit and type a blog entry, but because of the e-mail I wrote just before I finally went to my blogger account, I changed plan-- here it is.

The holidays brought me to several instances when I really have to ask myself about the things that I want in for myself. Maybe its the feeling that we get when a year is about to end and we contemplate on the things that we did the previous years. On my case, I also had to deal with the joy of passing my Physical Fitness test and finally seeing the possibility of graduation come 16 March. But to think about all the things that I wanted to do has lead me to ask whether or not the person that I have become through the years is leading towards the things that I want or am I just fixated on goals that I have decided long ago to pursue not realizing that I might not be the same person in the coming years.

This issue was brought about by the my father's constant bugging regarding a girlfriend... or even a fling as he would want it. My father's dialogue now when he gets the chance to talk to me is that "May girlfriend ka na ba?" In previous occasions, I laugh about this queries but then this time, it just makes me think of the things that I wanted to do especially on this area of my life.

Some people follow this blog because of the few occasions that I write about my love life (or the lack of it). I have heard of one person actually looking forward to what will happen to my crush of all time and then another calling me with names that mainly compose of words hopeless and romantic and its many derivations (like romantically hoping). But really, there just comes a time when we are fully convinced that this is how things should be done, but at the back of our minds feel that we should have done it another way and maybe got the result that we wanted. It becomes a dilemma between convictions and emotions, about submission and active pursuit. More often, I find myself wondering if indeed the way that I have become as a person was indeed the way I wanted it to be or is it that I am just making myself believe that this is the way I wanted myself to be in the first place since I do not have a choice anymore since this is what I have become. It is a battle inside my head that questions the very person that I am.

But love is not supposed to be putting me in this situation. I should delight on all the things that have happened to my life and be happy how I have surpassed the things that have come my way. I should have no regrets for everything that happened made me the person that I am right now. That is, psychologically speaking because deep inside me is that question if the things that I have done where the right actions in those situations. Yes people, this is more about love. I do not regret doing many of the things that I have done even if some of it has caused pain either to me or the people around me. My feelings right now are focused more on my regrets over the opportunities that I allowed myself to miss, the chances that I did not take all because I was believing that romance is not an active pursuit but rather it is a gift from God, somehow I am becoming impatient waiting for that gift.

My game plan (as I would call it) is just to love everybody and wait for that whisper. Along the way, I will have to increase my "resale" value so that when the time comes it will be easy to make decisions like settling down, marriage and all this stuff. In the resale value thing, I think I am successful but the waiting is already getting into my nerves especially now that everyone around me seems to make it their mission in life to hook me up with some girl whom they believe is the answer to my prayers. Is it stupid of me to ignore all of these things and continue to stand on the belief system I have learned out of my faith?

This again is a piece of my ranting. Like many of the rantings I had, I will read this one in the future and laugh at myself because of this. I know this because I have had many occasions that are very similar to this one. What I am certain of right now is that I am still looking forward to the future. Someday it will happen and this blog will be the testament to all of it.

I love you people

On the Filipino soldier

I was researching for an assigment regarding human rights and reading so many articles about it I can't help it but react. Considering that it has been a while since I wrote anything political in this blog, I might as well write my take on this topic.

In the 9th National Debate Championship that PMA hosted last October, an issue that most colleged students who participated in the event was so interested on was that of the extra judicial killings. I was surprised that when I begin talking about this topic, they will gather around me as if I was some Lola Basyang, telling one of her famous fairy tales. I guess many people are interested on what members of the military think about these killings and perhaps other issues surrounding it.

I do not see the point why all the disappearance of these activists are blamed on the military. I do not wish to declare that the military is that perfect and has not done these crimes, in fact, I will be one person who will say that the military is very capable of these acts. What surprises me is that it would seem that it is only the military who has the capacity to commit these acts. In my little experience as a member of the country's armed forces, I find it disturbing how the public can be easily made to believe on whatever it is that they say or hear in our media. And this is not just about extra judicial killings, it can be anything under the sun. When someone from the left declares in television or in radio that something is the fault of the military (or this government for that matter), people receive this news with open arms without even bothering to weigh the facts behind these statements. Personally, I do not know much of the issue on many of the killings happening around the country, but clearly the public is being unfair in dealing with their Armed Forces.

Another thing that I observed is that people seem to distinguish the Human Rights of the soldier to that of an ordinary civilian. I hate it when people take the death of a soldier lightly while they march in the streets for the death of some civilian. Yes, I understand that soldiers were aware of the things that will happen to them when they made their oath to protect this country's people and constitution, but it does not make their death any different from all the others outside the military. Although they are soldiers, they, too, want to live a long life only that they have taken it upon themselves to use their life to protect more lives (your life that is). When they die, they also have their loved ones who will mourn. Their children will also become fatherless and their wives will have to raise the family as a widow. The point is, their rights is the same as that of any other person but they have placed these rights on the line so that you can enjoy yours. Let me just ask, have you ever heard of any human rights complain filed by a soldier against the enemies of the state? It's surprising how those who do not value our laws can use it against us and still get the people's support.

All in all, I would like to say that I am proud to be part of the country's Armed Forces. Ours may not be that ideal but I honestly believe deep in my heart that it is doing everything it can on its very limited resources to do its mandate. I implore everyone to at least give your soldiers the benefit of the doubt if to support them is really hard on your stomach. I admire how the Americans look so highly on their soldiers even if they do not necessarily agree with the cause of the wars these soldiers are fighting. In our case, we find itso hard to support our soldiers even if we also consider the enemies they are fighting our enemies.

A year in words

How do you describe a year in words?

Thinking of an answer to that question can be hard as everyone around me is blowing their horns to welcome the New Year. For my part, I can not believe it that the year is actually changing into the same number as the year my class is supposed to graduate. When I go back to Baguio on the 4th, the class patch that I will be wearing actually has the same number as that of the of the calendar the rest of the world will be using. This is the year that I will graduate from the Academy.

Looking back at the year that will come to pass in the next few minutes, it was indeed challenging and I am just in awe and grateful that I have surpassed all the challenges that came my way. Let me take you in a journey of how the year has been and help you understand why I say what I say in this blog entry.

The year came in with a frustration. As soon as I stepped in Baguio to go back to PMA after the break, I was received by the sad news that something not good will happen to me. In the days that followed after my return to PMA, I had to deal with one of the greates challenge that I will face as a soldier... to understand humility, obedience and submission to authority. In this blog entry, I slowly tried to understand that the thing that I love most in PMA is taken away from me. It was a journey from one frustration to another as I try to struggle letting go of the things that I believe make me the person that I am. I felt that life is supposed to be lived according to the person that you are, realizing that it is not the case. It is not the person that we are but rather the person that we are supposed to be... the person that God has intended us to be. In my case it was to be a soldier. In this blog entry three months later, I realized the lesson behind the frustration and started to embrace this lesson. Looking back at it now I am just amazed at how the person that I am is being molded... being renewed.

From that initial frustration was a series of several others that came with it. I almost was not able to go on break when I became a first class and of course some privileges that I had to forego because of the punishment that I was serving brought about by the incident. It was not a welcome experience but went on as I had the intention to graduate. Although the lesson has been understood, to really appreciate it was a different story. As I said, it was a day to day renewal of some sort that took me into a roller coaster of emotions, all of which I had to process and contend with.

When the new semester came in, I just wanted to finish everything off so that my life would be simpler only to be met by another obstacle, the dreaded Physical Fitness Test. At first, I did not take it seriously. I went on with my life and made no mention about it. Deep inside, it was a form of denial. Denial by simply not accepting that it was a problem plus of course trying to save myself from the embarrassment of not passing a simply physical fitness test (as most people would say). Again, it was a journey of humility and submission as I was little by little being made to understand that I can do nothing apart from Christ. Finally, in this blog entry, I confronted the problem head on. I initially thought that it was simple but now, it was an experience that has taught me lessons that has changed the person that I am. As I look back at the times when I just cried to myself out of fear and not knowing what to do, I can now sense that those where the times when I finally understood that I am a person of strength only when I put my faith on the God that I know.

All in all, I could say that the year was a preparation for greater things. It was a journey of humbling myself and just allowing God to work in my life. The lesson that I very well understand now is my favorite verse in the Bible: "Be still and know that I am God."

Today is approximately two and a half months from my Graduation. I am hoping that life would be easier at the same time, I am fully submitting myself to everything that will come my way. I have learned that life is not a series of choices that we take, but rather it is a series of opportunities that we take advantage of whether good or bad. Our choices are guided by how much we are willing to submit our will to a Higher Being. This is my year in words. God Bless us all. Happy New Year everyone.

Note: The picture above was the "feast" we had during the New Year

I'm having a heart attack

When we had our Company Christmas party this month at PMA, me and my classmates came up with this MTV with everyone of us (the firstclassmen) participating. The song was Dashboard Confession's Stolen My Heart. I promise to post that video once I go back to Baguio but nonetheless, my blog entry begins with the thought of that MTV and the fact that I am typing this blog at Lipa.

This is the third time that I am in Lipa. In all three occasions, I went here because of someone, the same person that I keep on writing about in these blog for the past two years. In my first time, I met a prostitute, the story of which is written in this blog entry. We spent the time playing a little game in Timezone and then her watching me consume one huge serving of crispy pata. The year after, I came on the 26th of December. I was still clueless what was going to happen but I just wanted to see her. We went around SM Lipa looking for an umbrella for her mother. I just love it when you accompany a girl in buying something. There is something in the way they make their choice that fascinates me. Although I do not understand it, I think that makes them the wonderful women that they are.

This year, my heart is pounding. A few hours from now, I will be going over to her house. I am clueless again especially that she is allowing me to enter her turf, something that is totally different from the past encounters we had. Well, the reason I am writing this is to somehow release the tension that I am feeling right now. To somehow prepare myself. I am actually both excited and nervous, I feel that I will be having a heart attack any moment now. As they said, be careful with what you wish for...

Well, ideas are surging inside my head. I am pretty sure that things will turn out fine, I know everything that I am feeling right now is just in my head, I do not need to be nervous (but I am) and I thought nine pull ups is harder.

God, help me to be the person that I am. Guide me to communicate my heart and let your will be done....

I love you people.

My Christmas gift: finally pulling it up

My eyes just opened at exactly six o'clock on my watch with nothing to do I went to the computer and had this typed up.

I'm sorry for not being able to update for more than two weeks. Many things have happened and frustration just came in one after the other. At last I'm done.

My last entry was a vow to pass my PFT. I thought that was simple. During that PFT, I made ten pull ups but the count was only six. The one who supervised me doing the exercise said that my chin did not clear the bar on the other four that I made. I went back to barracks that day a failure. I felt that I was cheated. I was already trying to set my mind on my fate when the Commandant gave a declaration during his speech in the CCAFP Christmas party the same day, "Those who failed are given one more week to pass the exam, they retake next week." That week became another test of humility. During that time, I had to go through another week of strengthening program under the watch of my classmate who was the Brigade PFT Officer. What tested me more in that experience was not my ability to perform the exercises she wanted us to do but to swallow my pride for my classmate and other cadets in that program and also to appreciate the effort of my classmate to help me pass the test and graduate with her in less than three months. At a time when I just hated everything that we were doing, I approached her and said: "Bok (its a term of endearment among classmates), hindi na ako natutuwa sa ginagawa natin, madalas napipikon na ako, pero alam ko na mahal na mahal mo ako at hindi mo ako hahayaang bumagsak kasi gusto mo sabay tayong grumaduate sa March. Pag medyo nakita mong masama na itsura ko, hayaan mo lang ako pero maniniwala ako sa'yo, pagtyatyagaan ko tong ginagawa natin." After that I did not speak to her anymore about any of the feelings I had over the exercises she was making us to do. In that one week, I actually appreciated my classmate in what I used to call her "pakialamera" attitude.

On the day of the retake, I really psyched myself up. I started to get nervous as I made my way to the pull up bar. Everything that has happened to me has come down to this one event and I thought that was enough. After the fifth count was given, the count did not move forward. The sixth was still counted as five until the eighth at which point I got really pissed of and just came down from the bar in defeat and disgust as to how the count was made. Its not that I am complaining, I really feel that something was wrong with the way it was done. The others also had the same observation as only four passed in the pull up event out of almost 20 who had the retake. I thought that was the end of it as we were already given another chance. When the Commandant talked to us after that, he gave us another hope. His final instruction was that we can not go on break until we pass that PFT. We can take it as much as we want, if we give up already then we go on break but we would have forfeited our cadetship. It was already December 22 and the feeling of wanting to go home became somewhat of a better choice than doing it one more time. But the highlight of that day was that of my classmate. His pull ups was basically 8 and 3/4. The one who counted him was actually contemplating on just counting the last one as a 9 and he wanted to push it for him to pass. Out of his desperation, thoughts like this were already coming out of his head and I can not blame him. We have been struggling for more than six months and it was an easy way out. When he told me his plan, I just have to remind him of the things that we value as a cadet. I shared to him something that I keep on telling myself every time I think of what he was thinking: Gragraduate ako dito kasi karapat dapat akong grumaduate hindi dahil dinaya ko (I will graduate here because I am worthy of that graduation and not because I cheated). As I told him that, I just have to shed a tear. The whole struggle was not anymore becoming a lesson of mere physical strength nor of humility, it was already a test of character. As we talked among ourselves moments after that close call, we consoled each other into saying that we will remember December 22 as the day that we stood on our Honor despite personal pressure.

I finally decided to make an attempt to celebrate Christmas at home. Early morning of December 24 I decided to take the exam and try to be home for Noche Buena. The frustration came early also as there was no one to supervise our test since everyone was apparently at home preparing for the midnight feast. I had to go et in touch with people but to no avail nothing came. At 12 noon, I was already contemplating on just spending Christmas inside my bunks by myself. Suddenly our names were called at the PA system, we are to take our PFT after all.

My chest was pounding as I started to do the first 5 pull ups. I never really managed to have a count more than 6 so when I heard seven, it was as if my body was on auto pilot and kept on pulling itself up that bar as the count increased. Finally, I heard it... the count was 9 and the cadets behind me where already jumping in celebration. I did it.

By 6 o'clock that night I was on a bus bound for Manila. at 11:30, my brother picked me up and I was home by midnight. I really am home for Christmas.

Looking at it now, the whole experience was indeed a journey of self realization. The events that unfolded did not go as I expected but as I said in my other entries regarding this, I will come out here a winner no matter what happens. To all the people who prayed for me, who cheered me on and the many others who believed that it can be done, thank you very much. To the God up above who continued to nurture me even amidst trying times, I am in awe at how He works. He gave me more than 9 pull ups, he gave me more faith and more grace. Thank you God and I bring you back all the glory.

I am an Unprofitable Servant

I am currently reading this book by Elisabeth Elliot entitled the Mark of Man. From being able to read John Eldredge's Wild at heart about two years ago, I have always sought out what the Bible says regarding being masculine. Somehow, my Christianity has led me to the understanding that my individuality is not based on how I want myself to be but on how God intended it to be. Considering that I am in the midst of learning another dimension of submission to the will of God, I am trying to digest what I have been reading in relation to the things that are happening in my life now.

Many people I know has reacted violently on some of the principles I decided to live my life with. I remember a time when this one person was trying very hard to convince me against a decision I already made saying that I was doing something stupid. We never did agree with my explanation on why I made such decision but I think the good thing that came out of that initial conflict of idea we had was that she was able to understand the kind of person I am and respected me for it.

I have not always been proud of the things I made in my life. I mean, I have done things that I regret but in the many times that I failed and learned my lessons, I am proud to say that I have become a better person. As they say, experience does teach us valuable lessons that leave an imprint in our hearts and mins. So going back to the topic of manhood and all, despite of my stupidity and sometimes impulsive behavior, I seek out the kind of person God wants me to be and although I do not feel very good about it all the time, the decisions I made based on that understanding of my life has led me to this situation I am in.

Jesus said: When you have done all, you are unprofitable servants. These words were spoken on the topic of how we are to go about our roles as children of God. Looking at it blankly, one would say that it is a cruel conclusion for "doing it all." In my situation now, the statement takes a greater meaning, even more than what I thought I could muster as I confront my present misery.

Those who follow my blog will have an idea what is this misery that I am talking about. It is the misery of surrendering the one thing that you value most in your life at present. It is surrendering a dream to the will of God that is still unknown to me. It is acceptance of a fate that is uncertain. It is fearfully facing life as it is happening clinging only to faith. I think about all the things that will happen to me after December 13, how I hate that a deadline is already in the horizon without me not knowing how to overcome it but end up conceding to surrender. Surrender to a more powerful force way beyond my imagination.

Now with the way I am illustrating the things that I am feeling right now, many would think that I am in fact accepting defeat. Believe it or not, I am not. As I have realized earlier while soaked in sweat doing my exercises, I am still in the race and will finish it unless I am told that I can not. The things that I am saying now are actually realization... these are revelations of a growing faith that is trying its best to detach how I want things to be according to what I want from a Will that I have accepted as what is best for me even if I do not necessarily understand it.

This blog is a witness to my aspirations of wanting to become a cadet of the Philippine Military Academy. It became a testimony of my struggles as a cadet and learning it's many facets. Now, this will become a chronicle of how God will define the kind of person I will be as I confront my fears and surrender it all. I do not know what happens next, but I know that the events that will unfold will be a miracle from God.

Let us continue praying, there are three more days...

Refreshing news

I was glad that when I found yesterday's paper the front page was missing. I just hated how all of the news (especially those in the front page) had something to do with that stunt at the Manila Pen last thursday. With the front page nowhere to be found, I had the chance to read other news that was refreshing despite of the latest blow in the stability of our political climate.

First off was the E-jeepney or the electronic jeepney currently gaining ground in major cities around the country. The night before, I spent until almost midnight watching Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth sleeping afterwards fully convinced that something had to be done. So the electronic jeepney is not only a welcome news but moreso something that provided hope. In the article from the Philippine Star that I read, a lot of other benefits can be derived from the use of this vehicle with zero pollution as it is electrically powered. Other advantages include its impact on our transport system and of course our economy as the producers of this vehicles are proudly pinoy. I was even more excited when I learned that local governments are actually reacting to this new development in a very positive manner with Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay promising to propagate the use of this vehicles in his City. Other Local Government heads are following suit and I am hoping that in due time this development begins other things that will help our country.

As I read further, I can not help but laugh at the irony of one news item I found in the papers. It was about the capture of one prominent leader of Communist Party. Her daughter said that her mother is not part of the rebel group as she only went to Manila to have her badly needed check-up. The joke is that when the "alleged" rebel was presented to the press at Fort Bonifacio her first statement was, "Isulong ang rebolusyon at ang pambasang demokrasya (Forward the revolution and national democracy)!" he he

Well, I think despite of the bad things that happened in the past days, a lot of things in our country are reasons to be hopeful that something good is in store for us. I think more than the negative issues we can find in our dailies, we should also read all others in the paper that indicate a good future for us.

I love you people...

Book Fair

PMA hosts this annual book fair at this time of the year. Its usually one of those times when I can just enjoy myself among the literary works of this generation. In my plebe year, the book fair was the first time that I was able to get hold of the book. I practically wanted to buy everything as I was on a "book drought" since April of that year. I spent around three thousand pesos of my savings just to be frustrated a week after because of lack of sleep and money spent on books that I have already read. When I went on my first break in March the year after that, I found "A different kind of Bookstore" and spent five thousand pesos of my break allowance all on books. A few days after I came back to PMA, I returned to my frustration of having spent a huge amount of money over books that I've finished reading.

The book fair in my thirdclass year (that's the second year) came at an appropriate time. It was that time when I was trying to find a good gift for a very beautiful lady that I recently met a week before that. She was to celebrate her birthday and I wanted to make her feel that I did remember her special day even if we were not exactly close. At that time, I already knew better and I was buying books sparingly. I was still able to enjoy the bounty of reading many books as other cadets bought books which I can borrow. My problem was no longer because of my depleted savings but it was more of lack of sleep wanting to finish a certain book despite of my cadet schedule.

In my secondclass year, the book fair had lesser books on display most of which I have already read. I, instead, started to hunt down old books inside the PMA library. I did not know that there was fiction in the collection but I found a whole shelf of it. A couple of years ago, I was caught by the way Judith Krantz described his characters. How there was so much emotion when she wrote about events in her novels. In a short span of time I just love her, believe me one would never imagine that someone from the military will actually appreciate the works of this author whose characters where mostly those from the rich and famous. The greater surprise is to find these types of books on the shelf of the library of the country's premier military school.

In another incident, I remembered reading something about the latest book of another author I idolized. I scoured bookstores for it. When I was finally able to find it, I realized that it was a good gift for the same girl I gave a gift to a year ago whose birthday was just around the corner. I bought the book at Gateway Mall and just to prevent myself from being frustrated again, I read the entire book on the bus going up to Baguio and then sending it to her upon my arrival.

Today, the book fair begins. A while ago I was reading Emarrah's blog about her addiction to reading. That was the reason why I suddenly had this thought about books in general. At the same time, I remembered that the girl that mesmerized me a few years back will again be celebrating her birthday. In her blog, she wished for things that she want and one of it is a book that will stimulate her brain. Is the book fair the answer to that? Or I'm just trying to interpret things that are not supposed to be interpreted?

This entry took one day to compose with thoughts ranging from excitement, conflicting ideas, hopeful imaginings and others just to get this done with and publish it on the blog. But I think the point is, reading or books in general has a way of connecting to me in areas that are not even that related. I am now reading Paulo Coelho's the Witch of Portobello and again I am amazed by the vastness of emotions I derive from reading. When I finally click the button that will publish this post, other ideas will come into play inside my head but I'm sure I will always see reading as one of those past times that captures the very essence of my person.

Music of the heart

I got a bit emotional after watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy where Dr. Bailey was singing her child a song over the phone. It became the background of showing love in so many different things. It was an illustration of how people show love. For me though, it was another instance where I get to think about love.

My mother used to teach me how to sing Christmas Carols. Actually, she did not intend really to teach me how to sing those songs, its just that I wanted to throw away some of the music sheets she had been keeping in the drawers for I do not know how long. When I told her of my plan, she told me that those were wonderful songs and that I should not just throw them away. At that time, I did not understand what she meant. Being an 8 year old child then, my idea of music was limited to sounds that can be heard from the radio, or those sang by people. I definitely have no idea how sheets of paper can actually be called music, much more music that my mother loved. Both me and my mother love to sing. She actually was the one who brought me to the movie house to watch Alladin and sang A whole new world with me until I lost interest on the song. On that day, she taught me all the songs in those music sheets, songs that I can still sing up to this very day including lyrics that I still memorized. That was the first time that the lessons in my music class about notes and all made sense. To this day, although not that sharp anymore, I can sing along songs just by merely looking at the lyric sheets.

In high school, I found myself singing in a Choir every Sunday during services. It wasn't like we were really good and all, but I love the singing and the music. Fast forward to PMA, I sing usually leading the praise and worship or just singing intently. The singing did not stop and I guess it will never be. Its not just the singing that I love, I like the music as well and perhaps that was the reason why I became emotional watching Dr. Bailey sing. I can not count anymore how many songs have made me cry, even the national anthem now gives me this different feeling especially when it is sung for a special occasion. Like I said in another entry, music is really music to my ears.

I guess music is in some way an expression of love. I think the reason why I never forgot the Christmas Carols that my mother taught me was because of the element of love that was placed in it. I think I will forever be captured by the beauty of music and its way in expressing the heart. Love is all around and I definitely find it in music. Well, I'll stop now and go back to singing. I love you people

This time it's about God

I have not been blogging as often lately but that is because the past month was so busy that it was really so hard to find time to sit in front of a computer still with an idea that is intact inside my head. Usually I have "bloggable" ideas but tend to forget it as I indulge into more and more of the activities. So I am just sorting through all the ideas in my head and write about the topic that comes into play. This time, it's back to romance... I have been receiving a lot of replies from people who just love it when I write about this stuff.

Over the break, the topic that stood out in all the conversations I had was with this topic. Not that I spend so much time contemplating about this idea but it just seems that more and more people are becoming interested over the state of my love affair that they can't help it but ask me. For one, my dad bugged me with the question of bringing someone (a romantic someone -- that is) home just like my other siblings have done (and that includes my younger brother who is not even 14). While I was busy watching the Lion King with my niece, my other brother's girlfriend arrived, and then suddenly my aunt started to look at me differently. I felt that she was like saying I'm the only one who has not introduced someone. Going to gateway to meet a classmate in the afternoon, the conversations turned into just confessions on what I think about this girl that was some kind of a fling until recent events happened and I was finally able to prove that I do not have a thing for her. Going back to the house that night, I again have to listen to my father's litany of how he was some kind of a Casanova in his time then leading to the question of how come I am not bringing or just saying stories of anyone. And then many other conversations that just keeps on revolving on anything that has to do with my romantic encounters so I'm just spilling it.

There really is nothing to spill about. Not that I am happy about it but there is just nothing to tell. I suddenly realized that I have come to an unintentional fasting on dating and being involved with people. I mean, not that I do not have days when I envy the people around me who have people to whisper sweet nothings every now and then. To be honest, there were even times that I felt so bad about my being single that I had this weird resolutions only to say that it was a stupid idea when I become sane again. In the past more than three years, I could honestly say that I have not been involved with someone. Again not that it was a personal choice, I think it was a natural outcome of just not making that conscious effort to find it. I think it was brought about by the idea that it will come in its proper time.

There is this girl that I wrote about in my last blog entry who still confuses me with her "not revealing too much" attitude. I have so many thoughts inside my head about her but I do not want her to read this entry and find out about it, she will just have to ask me if she suddenly decides not to be busy.

A while ago, I realized that it really wasn't about her, its really about me rather my belief of things. I realized that I was waiting for a confirmation of some sort. I think everything is in place and that I am just waiting for an act of God to say that I will take the plunge. Do I court her? Definitely not but I will continue to love her the way I know how to love people. I guess by now she knows that I love her, but then its not about me... This time it's about God

Songs that touch the soul

I was watching the preliminaries of the Pacquiao-Barrera early today when during the singing of our National Anthem I just can't help but feel a deep sense of pride as Kyla sang it. I realized how songs can have some sort of effect on me as a person.

Honestly, I am a person who loves to sing. As a young boy, I would gaze at music sheets and try to sing them even though I do not know how to read notes. I joined choirs and other singing stints in school just to be able to do what I love doing. I remember that one of the first movies that I cried on was when Fievel and his sister was singing Somewhere out there in An American Tail. I knew at that time that singing or music had something to do with my emotional mechanism. In my brother's first birthday in the early 90's, I sang the same song with a sister. It wasn't that grand but it was the beginning of several opportunities that I will have singing to people in some family gathering.

Well, me and my dad's favorites are of course the novelty songs of Yoyoy Villame, which we usually sing in duet especially during parties with his subordinates. In one rare occassion just this year, I found myself singing Magellan (its the song about the story of how the Philippines was discovered by Magellan) in front of no less than the then Inspector General of the AFP and the then Commandant of Cadets (they are generals by the way). In high school, I use to cry as I sing songs to myself when I miss my mother. I could remember singing Alamid's Your love to myself at a time when I missed my mother terribly. I feel the music when I watch movies and become so engrossed with how the melody and the lyrics immerse me with such wonderful emotions. I think music has a way to communicate to my soul.

This afternoon, as Kyla was belting out our national anthem, I felt a sense of pride. I do not know how these feelings are but I knew that as she was singing, I was so proud to be a Filipino. The feeling was reminiscent of the time when I sang the PMA Alma Mater Song in civilian clothes as I dreamed of going back saying to myself that I just might not sing that song again wearing the cadet uniform. Well, 2 years after, I had the feeling of relief and deep sense of pride as I sang the same song already wearing my cadet uniform.

Maybe I am just being too sentimental but I guess the more my emotions are stirred by these songs, the more I understand the deeper reasons of the things that I value. I could say now that the feeling was brought about by a sense of national pride brought about by a Filipino who is a world-class boxer. Somehow, I feel that if only we are able to find that emotion in each of us we will be able to understand these events not as mere boxing matches but rather part of the reawakening of our pride as Filipinos enough for us to be motivated to help this country move forward.

Well in the end, Pacquiao won, but more than that, I think we should understand the deeper meaning of the things that we value and realize that there is more to it that what is obvious...

The place where we are one

It's been a while since I had an enjoyable conversation. There have been several times that I just want to talk to people beyond my life as a cadet. I want to talk to them about areas other than the military, I wanted to talk about life as we live it.

I was talking earlier with some of our instructors and it was a rejuvenation of some sort. I was both excited and curious of their lives.

A typical day of a cadet consists mostly of routine activities that we do day in and day out. Life becomes so monotonous that at some point it undermines our very personality. We wake up in the same room, do the same things for the whole day, so definitely we do not talk about what happened to us during the day. The thing there is that we really have nothing to talk about because we share the same life.

This afternoon, I found myself in a company of my civilian instructors, telling me different things that are not in any way related to my existence as a cadet. At one point we were talking about career choices, about plans for the future. One wants to live a luxurious life, another a career in law. The conversation includes the ins and outs of the choices one is going to make in getting there, the implications of such decisions and of course, the fulfillment one get afterwards. In the almost an hour that we were sharing ideas, it was as if I was transported to a different world. It was a world where everyone is living their own life trying their best to reach their goal. In that world, I wasn't some cadet. I was a cadet and they were teachers; all of us want to have the life that we dream of.

I always say that dreams make the people that we are. Our ability to dream determines our courage to face each day believing in those dreams. In the group of people I was with, I did not have to worry whether or not I am going to Mindanao after graduation. I did not have to worry whether the things that I know are good enough to become a lieutenant. In that gathering, we were all dreamers, figuring out how to live our lives, thinking about ourselves and BEING OURSELVES.

The way a cadet spends his life are full of expectations that at some point just drains the very essence of the person that we are. Sometimes we are fed up with being cadets and longs to be treated just like any other human being with all the goals and aspirations that define the person that we are. Once in a while, we get those chances and we become whole again, we become rejuvenated.

Thinking about it now, I find myself back to my real world. I am inside a room full of people wearing the same clothes as I do. All of us are subjected to the same regulation, the same rules, the same everything. But being here and talking to my instructors earlier, I have come to a realization of the very essence of why I am here. As I live my life, enduring it's boredom and monotony, being envious of people who have more freedom, I realize that I am in fact in my place. I am at a place where the sacrifices that I make matter more than my individual dreams and aspiration. I am at a place that even though there are times that I just hate it here, somewhere out there people also have the same worries as I do, they too worry what to do with their life.

After this, I will go back to my room and sleep on my bunks. Tomorrow, I will wake up among the same group of pe0ple. I will then go on with my life and see the familiar faces that I had a conversation with the night before. And then I will realize, just like me we are all the same people. We are in fact all dreamers, living this life and hoping that we'll be good at it.

Its not about the question

"Ours is not to question WHY but to know the WHO behind it"

I remember this quote as I say my little prayer this morning for the death of 2Lt Ariel M Toledo, PMA Class of 2006.

Most people would remember him as the subject of a recent Maalaala Mo Kaya episode or the valedictorian of the biggest class to graduate from this Academy. For me, I remember him as that jolly upperclass who made me run at least two checkpoints (that's about 5.5 Km distance of roadrun each) for not fixing my bunks properly, The Company Commander who tutored me and my classmates in Calculus, or simply the cadet who taught us how to smile despite of the pressures in our training as cadets. Yesterday, he succumbed to the rare bile duct cancer after more than a year of fighting the disease. Why do good people die?

In an article I read from Panorama Magazine a few days back, a columnist wrote about understanding why bad things happen in this world and asked the simple question: WHY? Thinking about it now, the question is valid. In my lifetime, I have lost an uncle to the brutalities of the NPA, a cousin (my favorite cousin that is) to an unknown brain condition and a mother to cancer of the cervix. One can not blame me if there are times that I just talk to God and ask him why people that I love had to die and yet I see bad people around me living their lives without any care for the rest of the world. I read about lives great men who died of malaria (like that of Alexander the Great) or in their sleep while down hard criminals escape bullets being fired at them. I wonder why despite of all the good things that I want to do, I end up finding myself in deeper trouble while those who do not care about anything can get away with even the gravest offense. I ask why.

Yesterday, I wrote an e-mail to someone. I was very emotional writing it trying to put into words my feelings without really giving so much ideas about why I was even that emotional in the first place. The thing with writing that e-mail was that in my emotions are little confusions as I find myself looking out for the best of the things to come yet so sorry for myself because that is all I can do, to hope. I realized that in everything in this world I can really just hope. But in this hope I learned that the mere act of being hopeful for the good things is a journey towards self discovery. It is a journey that allows a person to understand the real meaning of this life and not be encumbered by the uncertainties that accompanies it. The fact that good people die is never a reason for us to stop being good people in the same way that bad people escaping justice is not an excuse to be bad. The thing is our life is not about those who are able to go on with their lives or lack of it but rather on the kind of person that we become as we live each day fulfilling a purpose that has been drawn out for us. We can choose to love or to hate but to choose hate knowing that it is the wrong choice is simply stupid.

The life that we live is not about those that we have lost but on what is there to gain. The lives of those already lost is never a lost because in reality they have lived a life where lessons and memories can be gathered to make us better people. Life is so wonderful that spending it by trying to understand it diminishes all the beauty it has.

I do not know the answer to the question why nor do I want to give an answer based on my belief system, but what is real is that being alive has a lot to do with living it rather than questioning it.

In and out of Makati

If you are wondering the reason for that last entry, well just wonder with me. In the past days I have been trying to write something. I actually was able to write around three entries that I do not find worthy of posting. Then finally yesterday, I just wanted to say I love you so I did it in my blog. It's weird really but then its my blog, I can write whatever I want.

My brother and I had this unusual habit of spending time inside Glorietta Mall. Since we lived about 15 minutes away, it was the closest place we can go where we can have some fun the way we want it. Most of the time, we do not have money to spend so we contend ourselves with one burger each and unlimited softdrinks from Carl's Jr. Our routine then is to sit somewhere near the entrance and then just watch people and talk about them. I remember how we try to mouth what two people were saying to each other or figuring out how long a certain couple have been together just by looking at the way they are together. It was so much fun until my brother had to go to school while I had to go to work.

My work then was also exciting in itself. I think I have written extensively about how fun my work was in my old blog. A while ago I was telling my stories in an e-mail to a friend who is now also working in Makati and remembering it brought back all the fun that I had while at it. I remembered how I marvel myself with the tall buildings that I go to and be amazed with how large the offices of their VIPs are. I remember usually telling myself then: "Totoo pala yung sa movies." I also recall how I walk along Ayala Avenue and be excited to go home because so many ideas came to mind that I want to blog about. Well, at the end of that e-mail I realized that I will not be able to experience that again as there is no military camp in Makati and that I will have to contend myself large expanse of forests to patrol, barangays that have not seen the Internet and of course the simple joy of a guitar and perhaps a good songbook. Well, at least I have my memories with me and who knows what I will discover in these places.

I remember a time when I hated Metro Manila. That was because I practically grew up in Dumaguete and I find the bigger city more fast paced and confusing. But working in Makati sure did changed my perception. I like the idea of walking through tunnels and interconnected overpasses that lead you to the best places like Glorietta or Greenbelt. I like sitting at Starbucks and entertain myself with how people go about with their lives. I like driving along Makati's red light district and wonder how prostitution be so indiscreet yet still unchallenged. Well the thing is Makati is an interesting place, not just because it's Makati but because there is so much about it than one can experience. Maybe I will have other opportunities to discover some more of the place.

One more thing... I remember it was in Makati where I first saw Jimmy Bondoc sing "Let me be the one" a few months before his career took off. It was a free concert and back then people were not that attentive to a not so known guitar clad singer.

Anyway, I just can't wait to go home for break in two months time. I love you people!!!

Beyond the fear that we have

I realized that the entrance exam is fast coming up and have not written anything to entice people to take the exam. I'm doing that now.

There are so many things people want with their life. I mean, like me, its not like I went here to fulfill some nationalistic sentiment that is within me. To be honest, I came here just to have a life. I think most of us here do. But then life in the Academy changes the person and for most of us, it has defined the kind of people we are and hope to become.

Earlier today, I asked two of my underclass to go to my room and discuss something that I have observed in the way they are doing their duties. It was not some violent discussion but it was more of a scolding. I was telling them that what we are doing here is more than just getting through each day to graduate but we are doing something that is beyond graduation, in fact beyond than our dreams. I told them that we are establishing a foundation that maybe this country can make use of when the time comes.

I am saying this in the light of the recent deaths of our graduates in a war that not so many of our country men agree. I am saying this because I know parents will dissuade their children from taking the PMA Entrance Exam because they are afraid that some general will send them to a war-torn area to die when they graduate. I have talked to people who actually are afraid of what will happen once I graduate in seven months time. I, myself, am afraid to the future that lies ahead of me with many of my upperclassmen making the ultimate sacrifice, wondering if I, too, am prepared to do the same.

I will not lie to people and say that the death is not as real as how it is portrayed in the media. I will not be a hypocrite that all of the fears that most people have about the war that is happening down south is just a stage and will pass in due time. What I will say is that like all of those people who are afraid of sending their children to become cadets, I too am afraid. Like those students who now do not want to go through with their wanting to become cadets because of graduates dying in quick succession, I, too am afraid of dying. But the truth of the matter is we are all afraid everyday of our lives. We are afraid that when we sleep tonight we may not wake up tomorrow morning and see the light of day. We are afraid that our loved ones, although within our reach may meet some crazy accident that will make us lose them. The truth is fear is what makes us humans yet it is not the thing that defines us. To allow it to define us is not being human.

I was watching Brothers and Sisters earlier and related so much to the anguish of the characters who was so afraid of their youngest going to Iraq to join the war. The truth is it was the closest portrayal of how it is with most of my family and the family of the other cadets here. On the day that we learned about the death of our upperclassmen, we huddled up in silence both afraid and sad. But despite that, I look forward to the day when I graduate and join them out there, not because I also want to die, but because by understanding the fear that I have, I learned that there are more reasons to be proud of what I do. I learned that there are more reasons to stop all those violence because the fear has to stop and the job fell on my lap.

I guess, I am not the best person to really entice people to take the PMA exam on Sunday. I am no good at trying to glamorize things especially in the light of what is happening to our country. But my call is not just to take that exam but rather it is not to allow fear to define the kind of person that we are, or rather the kind of people that we are. I am afraid but I will not allow it to define me.

The PMA Entrance exam will be held on the 26th of August in all major cities across the country.

Just one wish

"There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; Omitted, all the voyage of their life Is bound in shallows and in miseries"

I spent most of the day watching the last 6 episodes of season 4 of One Tree Hill and it ended with this quote reverberating inside my head. For some reason, the things that are happening in my life seem to reflect the words of Shakespeare.

There have been a lot of times in my life that has made me afraid of what the future holds. In most cases, it is my undying hope that give me the boldness to face it and just take the plunge to believe on whatever good it might lead me. To be honest, my moments of boldness are actually at the same time my moment of being the most afraid yet choosing to be bold and allow things to come.

It was the same boldness that fought hard to put me back in this Academy. A period of not really knowing what to do but just doing what is immediate at that point of time. Eventually finding myself at the doorsteps of my dreams. It was also that boldness that fought hard against Calculus wanting to stay alive despite my classmates falling one by one in my midst. This time it is also the same boldness that I look forward to the day when I finally pass my Physical Fitness Test even as I dread the time when all I can think of is the possibility of not meeting the minimum requirement of that test. I am really just doing everything that I can believing that just like always it will turn out fine.

But the thing that I am most afraid of right now yet I face with boldness are the things that are going on inside me. The so many emotion that seems so much for me to process yet I have to deal with everyday. I am beginning to think that the world revolves around me in a manner that blurs so many of the things that I want for my life. Sometimes, I wonder if the things that are in me are still ME.

I have learned from experience that when everything seems to be so confusing the best decision is always to believe on love. So in all of it I tried to find the love out of it and then just believe it regardless of how I feel. The choice becomes harder when it does not boil down to me but on other people and all I have to do is have faith. I may say a lot that I have faith on things but saying is very much different from what is happening inside of me. The anguish that I try to live each day constantly wondering if what I have been doing will lead to what my life is for. With loving, I have to allow people to be themselves and tell myself everytime that love does wonders that I do not understand. Its like waiting for a miracle to happen, hoping that things will fall amazingly in my favor but still trying to get in terms that if it does not happen then God did not want it to happen that way.

I know that after sometime, I will look back at this entry and say to myself how stupid I was to doubt my faith or how insane I was to think that what I am thinking is even remotely possible. Either way I will have to deal with what is it that will happen. But for now, the feeling inside me frightens me. It frightens me not because I am afraid of how things are to end but because for quite sometime I realized that I never wished for something as badly as I am wishing for right now. I realized that what I am wishing for will actually define the life that I will lead.

To live and to die

Earlier today, I came from a little gathering with the Superintendent. He hosted us to welcome our new Assistant Superintendent. Being the person that he is, who always had a way of inspiring the cadets, I can't help it but be emotional of how he hard it was to mantain a certain feeling in the past weeks. Like him, I also felt that the previous week was more like a roller coaster ride.

This morning, a group of my classmates participated in a Fun Run for a cause called "Takbo para kay Toledo." It was a fund raising campaign initiated by the members of PMA Class 2006 to help their valedictorian who is now sufferning from the rare Bile Duct Cancer. I think many will remember his story as the one shown at Maalaala mo kaya a few months back. On the other hand, last Friday, somewhere in the south, three of his classmates (my upperclass) together with one member of Class 2005 was killed in an encounter with the Abu Sayaff Group. The irony of it is that as one PMA graduate struggles to extend his life while down there four other PMA graduates are gone.

In the previous death of 2Lt Camelon, I was able to stop my tears, with the four recent deaths, I failed. How does one accept death as a natural occurence of life when it happens so sudden to those of us who have come to accept it as such? As I said Death is death but to say that it is simply death is simply a insult to the life that these people have lived. And it is basically because of the same reason that we join hands and do everything that we can to keep Lt Toledo alive. To allow him to just pass away without a fight is an insult to the life that he lived. And I really think that the statement is true to all of us.

With the reality of death getting into me more and more each day as we mourn the death of several of our brothers in arms comes the emergence of really facing living and dying in its genuine form. To face it and deal with the issues of how to live and how to die. Life becomes so real that I can't help it and ask myself if I am giving justice to this life I am living?