Graduation thoughts 1

I do not wish to postpone my write-up regarding the graduation and perhaps the many other things that happened to me after I left PMA for good and ceased to become a cadet.

I originally intended to somewhat come up with a "graceful exit" from PMA by writing a blow by blow account of all the graduation activities. The thing is I was not prepared for the physical demands (much more the emotional) demands of these activities, in the end I was not even able to write a single word to update this blog. So I will just rely on my memory in recounting the events and somehow put in my thoughts.

When one enters PMA you do not think of being able to graduate. For most people who have heard of the Academy, to enter it is already a feat on itself much more graduate. That was how I felt when I marched for Reception Day on 01 April 2004. Although all of us had hopes, it wasn't something that we entertained very much. Early on we were taught to just live one day at a time. So, when it was already very clear that I will graduate, those thoughts kept on going through my mind as I psyched myself up for graduation. I felt that this can't be happening.

The events were stressful. Most of the things that I have heard about graduation is that it is like getting married. You have so many activities to do, so many things to prepare that life becomes so stressful. But all of these things lead to something that we all want to happen. In all the activities, I wished that I can just fall asleep and then wake up on graduation day.

From the gazillion receptions that I have to attend, the wishes that I had to hear, words of wisdom from veteran soldiers and of course the sentimentality of everything that is PMA as I realized that I will be leaving the place for good in a few days time. In the nights that we were supposed to rest, it was more of making most of the time we had with our underclassmen as they rummage our rooms with things that they can get as some form of "pamana." When finally left alone, the conversation still does not end among classmates as we share our thoughts over the things that are happening to us. It was like being very very tired yet unable to sleep. The day then begins after our short sleep with songs from underclassmen as they render us the traditional "harana" coupled with body massages. Although tired and still wanting to get more sleep, the thought of not being able to show appreciation on these actions was unthinkable. And then the cycle begins again culminating finally when the President shakes our hands and gives us our diplomas.

Looking back at it now, I can't find the words to describe how everything felt. Maybe in the next entries I will try to write about it one by one and somehow reveal the thoughts that came to me but as in all graduations the experience will always be remembered as one that will define a person. For me, it is more important as I look back at all the things that I have been through to finally graduate and say to myself how lucky I am. I am just thankful for everything and I pray that I will remain steadfast to the values that I have learned as I continue my journey through life.

Beginning the Transition

It has been a while since I was really able to write something worth reading in this Blog. I guess I am really just busy or maybe pretending that I am busy. Yes, graduation is really taking its toll in me but I guess I really have to write. I think as I say goodbye to my last days as a cadet, I just have to take some time to look back and be thankful for all of it.

Yesterday, when I came up to Baguio after four long days (and nights) of lay outing and editing the graduation issue of the Corps Magazine, I had a thought as I made the last stop over in Sison, Pangasinan. I realized that it would be the last time that I will be stopping in that stop over as a cadet. I mean, the next time that I will be stopping there would be because I really had the intention to come up to Baguio, maybe to visit some friends or just have a vacation. Gone are the days when I am forced to ride on a bus going up because I have to be at Baguio at a certain time. The feeling is not that good as I discuss it with another classmate who was with me. It was a weird feeling really. And so, I fell that somehow, although this blog can be full of all the many memories I had inside this Academy, it is still worth a few moments to really write about the things that made my stay hear special. I guess this maybe my form of saying goodbye to Baguio City, to PMA and more importantly to being a cadet.

In a comment by a frequent visitor to this Blog, he said that it was a good thing that I am able to share my life inside this academy. I guess, with his following my blog entries, I believe he has more or less a better idea of how things really are in this Academy, beyond the publicity and the perception that is attributed to this institution. I think that subconsciously, that was partly the reason why I kept on writing in this blog. I simply wanted to give people a glimpse of how we go about our lives here to somehow put a little humanity on the cadets. I feel that by doing that, the public will be more understanding and more importantly more supportive of the reasons why we do the things that we do. Of course, there have been times that I was criticized. There were occassions that I had to edit out entries or not publish it altogether for fear of exposing the things that I am not to expose. In the almost four years that I have been blogging inside the Academy, I have learned to censor myself on topics to write about without really sacrificing my independence on the way I perceive things. But with those limitations, I do think that this blog was still successful in being true to its name -- a diary inside Melchor Hall.

And so I continue to write. In the coming days, I will begin with the transition of this blog from inside my beloved Academy to that of the bigger organization I will be joining... the Armed Forces of the Philippines, more particularly the Philippine Army. I believe there will be more challenges ahead and the surprises will be more different. As I continue my journey, I am hoping that the learning process will be worthwhile and at the same time the message I am trying to communicate will be able to at least lead to an understanding of the person behind the soldiers that fight for this country.

At this point, I am opening people's comments about this blog, kindly comment on anything that you feel about this blog. Just say your honest opinion and perhaps I will be able to use that to improve myself and the way I write about my experiences. Thank you very much people...

2008 memories

Anatomy of the Pangangaya

Often times, I find myself writing about peculiarities of life as a cadet in PMA. I remembered a few years back writing about the concept of “Vaultfiles” as we have it here. Then, I also wrote on several occasions about the significance of the Alumni Homecoming, Uncle Bobo and other traditions that we hold on to even if some people do not fully understand the value of these things to cadets and PMA graduates alike. Today, I write about a certain practice that has come to be significant among the cadets. I will write about the tradition of pangangaya.

During my Physical Fitness Test last 31 January, the mood was festive. Not that there was a fiesta or something only that we tend to put some festive mood on important events that our cadetship. Everywhere, one can see signs and other forms of ingenuity intended to boost the morale of the Firstclassmen who will be taking their last Physical Fitness Test at cadets. The festive mood is brought about by these things that really, although little actions, motivate us to do what we have to do to overcome such obstacle. It is our way of telling each other that we can do it. Most especially, it is the way of the underclassmen to say that they wish us the best in this significant chapter of our cadetship. Of course, this comes as a some kind of privilege as you go up the hierarchy of cadetship. Although the practice has evolved to sometimes include a downward shift of this practice, tradition dictates that this is given by a subordinate to a leader as a form of validation that they appreciate his or her leadership.

Of course, as cadets we look forward to these events. For my part, I was excited what was in store for me when I celebrated my birthday last year. I know that to a certain extent, the underclassmen are forced by tradition to extend to me the pangangaya since I was a firstclass cadet, the effort that they will put into doing it will give the idea how much they appreciate you as their leader. Believe me, even as an observer, you can see by comparison which upperclass is more appreciated than the other. Another aspect is that there are occasions when these traditions mark importance on certain parts of your cadetship. For example the privilege of being thrown into the pool at the sundial is only accorded to graduating cadets who celebrate important victories, their birthdays and, of course, during graduation day. As an underclass then, I marveled at the thought of me being “dunked” there. The joy is not on the actual practice since that pool is basically ice cold early in the morning but simply, it marks that you are already at a certain level that you have EARNED the right to be accorded such tradition. It is a privilege that is not earned easily but a reward for your hard work and perseverance. We pass on this tradition to celebrate our cadetship, to mark its triumphs and to express our appreciation for another.

This tradition also comes in various forms. On your birthdays, aside from the dunking at the Sundial Pool, you are given a grand welcome at the mess hall with various decorations being placed at the entrance or sometimes up to your seat. Sometimes, underclassmen will go into the trouble of composing some form of dedication to be read inside the mess hall for everyone to hear. These words although usually funny are, again, expressions of how they know you as a person. In most cases, it’s the only opportunity that they will have to call you things without the fear of being reprimanded or punished afterwards. Aside from birthdays, PFT’s are marked with certain rewards that you get after. The trend now is in giving chocolate drinks but they say it was different in the previous years. The true essence is to show appreciation. A kind of support to one another to say that we are happy for what you have accomplished.

These are the pangangaya’s that I received during the last PFT aside from those in kind that I already consumed (I had 5 chocolate drinks and lots of junk foods)

Believe it or not they made this mock-up... I found this "sleeping cadet" when I came back from mess

This is what the note said

This underclass really took advantage of the opportunity... The one on the side was saying "meron bang PFT?" in English... We should be flattered to be called Generals but the disappointment is when he signed his name...

This was the sign at the stairs. Although this was not intended for me particularly but I appreciated the "poetry"

I consider this one of the best, I found this after I went back to barracks being happy and all because I passed my PFT

Well, that's the little information I can share about this tradition. Forgive the lay-out...

Update and some funny things

Its not that I have nothing to post about, its just that I am confused what to post with the so many things that have happened in the past week that I have been hibernating.

First, I passed my last PFT sealing the deal with my already solved pull up problem. I have written something more "dramatic" about the whole experience but is reserving it for the Corps Magazine as my sort of farewell to that publication I so loved. Nonetheless, I will publish it here once that magazine issue comes out on graduation next month.

Another thing is that our rings have arrived and the feeling is just so surreal (but nice). I was not prepared for the time that I will lay my eyes on the ring that will mark me as a certified PMA Graduate. I spent the whole night wearing it even in my sleep... its weird but can you blame me...

I really do not have all the ideas to merit a good blog entry, there are just so many things that makes me happy these days. Anyway, I am posting some fun pictures that I saw in the past

This one was taken during my recent class field trip. I already found it funny the first time I saw it. This was taken at a communal forest, a somewhat protected forest somewhere in La Trinidad, Benguet. Of course, I know the intention for this sign but then at point blank I would think that the tree (or plant) that this sign was nailed on was some kind of sacred tree or something. The sign in other areas said to "keep out of the plantED AREAS." I guess thats what this sign was intended to mean.




This is another sign that I find funny in the same communal forest. If you try to analyze you would think that there is a thing called Cutting Trees. I imagine these are trees that cut other trees near it. Maybe its a result of mutation and all. I maybe shallow to find this funny but then again this is my blog.









Of course, the intention of this sign is obvious but then again, it was funny for me












If you look closely, you'll understand why this is so funny. I mean the MATTRESS is really for resting but this one is hilarious


Enjoy people...

Isang araw na puno ng pagmamahal

Hindi naman pala ako dapat malungkot. Marami kasing mga bagay na pag iniisip ko ngayon, parang ang sarap sabihin na sana hindi na lang sya nangyari. Kunyari lang ha, nung pasko binigyan ko ng pera yung auntie ko. Kanina nung bumili ako ng internet card para matype ko tong blog na to, last money ko na pala yun. Naisip ko na kung hindi ako namigay ng pamasko aba!!! ang dami ko pa sanang pera. Hindi naman sa nagrereklamo ako pero talaga namang masama ang pakiramdam ko lalo na ngayong totoo na talagang namumulubi na ako... sana nasa PMA na uli ako.

Kaninang umaga (o kahapon yata yun basta January 2), sumama ako kay Hanna at sa kanyang nanay na pumunta sa isang orphanage. Kaya ako pumunta dun kasi meron akong gustong malaman. Last year, nandun ako sa simbahan sa PMA. Marahil alam nyo na madalas akong kumakanta dun, as in ako talaga yung leader ng kantahan. Hindi naman pang pinoy pop superstar yung boses ko pero sabi ng nanay ko maganda naman daw kahit papaano (mahal na mahal talaga ako ng nanay ko... sumalangit nawa ang kanyang kaluluwa). So sa simbahan pag kantahan banat talaga ako feeling ko bida ako pag ganun. Eh ngayon biglang nag absent yung magtuturo sa Sunday School ng mga bata, ewan ko kung paano nangyari basta ako yung tinuro na pumalit. Langhiya, monster yata yung mga yun, parang mga tyanak, may pumapatong sa lamesa, may nangangagat, may naghuhubad ng shorts, basta gusto kong pag uumbagin silang lahat kaya lang mga anak kasi ng mga Captains at Colonels. Sa madaling salita, pagkatapos ng Sunday School, pinangako ko na hindi na ako uulit. Kinalimutan ko na yun kumanta na lang uli ako, kaya lang itong isang crush of all time ko sabi pangarap nya raw magturo ng mga special children. Naisip ko, kung alam lang nya ang pinapangarap nya... I'm sure isusumpa nya rin. Syempre nung una lang yun, kaya lang narealize ko seryoso pala sya. Ewan ko kung paano nya gagawin yun pero nung sinabi nya sa akin yun talagang pakiramdam ko totoo yun. So, ito naman ako punta sa google dot com... type ng... SPECIAL CHILDREN PHILIPPINES... paglabas ng search results isang katerbang mga pangalan ng mga eskwelahang hindi ko talaga magets kung paano nila naisip... basta madalas may little kung hindi angel at kung ano ano pa. Nakalimutan ko yun, naalala ko na lang bigla nung nag-iisip ako ng something para matuwa sa buhay nya yung crush of all time ko kasi nga magbibirthday na sya. Hindi ko rin naman napakinabangan yung mga special children chuva na yun kasi ang nangyari nag pa party ako sa opisina nila pero mula noon naisip ko na talaga na meron akong dapat magets sa mga special children na yan. Katagalan, naisip ko hindi lang pala yun tungkol sa special children, yun pala ay para turuan ako ng mga bagay gaya ng pasensya at pagpapakumbaba. Pakiramdam ko ngayon mas seryoso na ako dun sa crush of all time ko tungkol sa mga special children na yan, pero pag naaalala ko sya (si crush of all time) naiisip ko rin yung mga bata at mga bagay na dapat kung gawin para sa kanila. Ngayon umentra na si Hanna, galing ng kanyang worldwide tour. Tinanong ko sya kung meron ba syang alam tungkol sa mga special children na yan, then yun na, nabanggit nya sa aking yung pinupuntahan nila sa Makati. Nung nasa Lipa na ako at malapit ng mag collapse dahil hindi ko alam ano dadalhin ko sa bahay nila crush of all time, lumitaw si hanna sa ym at yun na, napag usapan na ang pagpunta sa orphanage. Nung medyo nalungkot ako sa sinabi ni crush of all time bago ako bumalik ng manila, nagconfirm na ako kay hanna na sasamahan ko sya. Inuulit ko, hindi na to tungkol kay crush of all time, talaga lang naalala ko yung special children chuva na yan pag iniisip ko si crush of all time.

Pag pasok namin, isang katerbang mga bata ang sumalubong sa amin na puro magugulo. Grabe naalala ko na naman yung mga anak ng Captains at Colonels. Pero syempre, kawang gawa nga, smile naman ako. Hindi ko naman talaga alam ang gagawin ko dun basta alam ko hindi ko dapat umbagin yung mga bata pag naiinis na ako sa kanila. Ayun na nga, pumasok na ako tapos lahat sila sinalubong si hanna na parang berks na berks talaga sila. Ako naman patingin tingin lang. Maya maya nakita nung mga bata yung bull ring ko, sabi nung isa "Kuya si Green Lantern ka ba?" sabay hawak sa singsing. Nung narinig nung mga bata yun, lahat sila nagsilapitan sa akin para lang tingnan kung totoo nga bang si Green Lantern ako. Syempre sabi ko hindi ako si Green Lantern pero pagkatapos nun nagsimula na silang magkwento ng mga kung ano ano. Napansin ko lang yung mga batang yun mahilig yumakap at kumandong. Naisip ko na baka yun yung epekto ng trauma ng pagiging abandoned children. Masaya rin kahit na hindi ko talaga alam ano sasabihin ko, kwinento ko sa kanila na sundalo ako, na nakahawak na ako ng baril at kung ano ano pa. Yung magic ko pa nga hindi gumana pero lahat sila tumingin sa akin nung sinabi kong mag mamagic ako. Nung umalis na kami, nagets ko na kung ano yung pinunta ko dun, hindi ko alam exactly pero yun ay isang bagay na may kinalaman sa pagmamahal. Sa maniwala kayo sa hindi natuwa ako na yinayakap nung mga bata at kumakandong sila sa akin habang nag-iisip ako kung paano ko sila uutuin. Akala ko lang talaga corny pero hindi pala. Gaya nga ng sabi ng maraming tao, may mga bagay na maituturo ang mga bata sa atin. Sa akin naman, ngayon alam ko na yung pakiramdam pag inabutan mo ng konting pagmamahal ang mga tao... sabi ko sa sarili ko hinding hindi ako magdadalawang isip na magmahal sa ibang tao... kahit na madalas pakiramdam natin walang kwento yung ginagawa natin... pero sabi nga ni Carlo Aquino sa Bata bata paano ka ginawa: "Akala mo lang wala... pero meron meron meron"

So yun na, natapos ang araw ng nakatanga ako sa bahay, iniisip ang magandang karanasan ko nung umaga at pati na rin yung hindi kagandahang balita na sinabi sa akin ni crush of all time. Magkalayo yung dalawang bagay na yun pero kung tutuusin, pagmamahal pa rin ang ending. Kahit ano siguro sabihin nila at kahit si crush of all time, hindi na siguro talaga ako hihinto sa pagmamahal ng ibang tao. Hinding hindi na... ngayon alam ko na kung bakit nakalagay sa Bible Love always hopes, always persevere... Love never fails. Sa huli hindi pala talaga ako dapat malungkot, kahit na wala na akong pera ngayon, o kahit na dun sa hindi magandang sinabi ni crush of all time, kasi sa lahat ng mga yun naipakita ko kung paano ang magmahal. Hindi naman pala talaga yun naghahanap ng kapalit... basta lang nagmamahal.... yun na yun period.

Pagtyagaan nyo na lang yung pictures na nakuha ko, marami dyan mga bata rin ang kumuha kasi nag-aagawan sila sa telepono ko para kunan kami ng picture

I'm having a heart attack

When we had our Company Christmas party this month at PMA, me and my classmates came up with this MTV with everyone of us (the firstclassmen) participating. The song was Dashboard Confession's Stolen My Heart. I promise to post that video once I go back to Baguio but nonetheless, my blog entry begins with the thought of that MTV and the fact that I am typing this blog at Lipa.

This is the third time that I am in Lipa. In all three occasions, I went here because of someone, the same person that I keep on writing about in these blog for the past two years. In my first time, I met a prostitute, the story of which is written in this blog entry. We spent the time playing a little game in Timezone and then her watching me consume one huge serving of crispy pata. The year after, I came on the 26th of December. I was still clueless what was going to happen but I just wanted to see her. We went around SM Lipa looking for an umbrella for her mother. I just love it when you accompany a girl in buying something. There is something in the way they make their choice that fascinates me. Although I do not understand it, I think that makes them the wonderful women that they are.

This year, my heart is pounding. A few hours from now, I will be going over to her house. I am clueless again especially that she is allowing me to enter her turf, something that is totally different from the past encounters we had. Well, the reason I am writing this is to somehow release the tension that I am feeling right now. To somehow prepare myself. I am actually both excited and nervous, I feel that I will be having a heart attack any moment now. As they said, be careful with what you wish for...

Well, ideas are surging inside my head. I am pretty sure that things will turn out fine, I know everything that I am feeling right now is just in my head, I do not need to be nervous (but I am) and I thought nine pull ups is harder.

God, help me to be the person that I am. Guide me to communicate my heart and let your will be done....

I love you people.

My Christmas gift: finally pulling it up

My eyes just opened at exactly six o'clock on my watch with nothing to do I went to the computer and had this typed up.

I'm sorry for not being able to update for more than two weeks. Many things have happened and frustration just came in one after the other. At last I'm done.

My last entry was a vow to pass my PFT. I thought that was simple. During that PFT, I made ten pull ups but the count was only six. The one who supervised me doing the exercise said that my chin did not clear the bar on the other four that I made. I went back to barracks that day a failure. I felt that I was cheated. I was already trying to set my mind on my fate when the Commandant gave a declaration during his speech in the CCAFP Christmas party the same day, "Those who failed are given one more week to pass the exam, they retake next week." That week became another test of humility. During that time, I had to go through another week of strengthening program under the watch of my classmate who was the Brigade PFT Officer. What tested me more in that experience was not my ability to perform the exercises she wanted us to do but to swallow my pride for my classmate and other cadets in that program and also to appreciate the effort of my classmate to help me pass the test and graduate with her in less than three months. At a time when I just hated everything that we were doing, I approached her and said: "Bok (its a term of endearment among classmates), hindi na ako natutuwa sa ginagawa natin, madalas napipikon na ako, pero alam ko na mahal na mahal mo ako at hindi mo ako hahayaang bumagsak kasi gusto mo sabay tayong grumaduate sa March. Pag medyo nakita mong masama na itsura ko, hayaan mo lang ako pero maniniwala ako sa'yo, pagtyatyagaan ko tong ginagawa natin." After that I did not speak to her anymore about any of the feelings I had over the exercises she was making us to do. In that one week, I actually appreciated my classmate in what I used to call her "pakialamera" attitude.

On the day of the retake, I really psyched myself up. I started to get nervous as I made my way to the pull up bar. Everything that has happened to me has come down to this one event and I thought that was enough. After the fifth count was given, the count did not move forward. The sixth was still counted as five until the eighth at which point I got really pissed of and just came down from the bar in defeat and disgust as to how the count was made. Its not that I am complaining, I really feel that something was wrong with the way it was done. The others also had the same observation as only four passed in the pull up event out of almost 20 who had the retake. I thought that was the end of it as we were already given another chance. When the Commandant talked to us after that, he gave us another hope. His final instruction was that we can not go on break until we pass that PFT. We can take it as much as we want, if we give up already then we go on break but we would have forfeited our cadetship. It was already December 22 and the feeling of wanting to go home became somewhat of a better choice than doing it one more time. But the highlight of that day was that of my classmate. His pull ups was basically 8 and 3/4. The one who counted him was actually contemplating on just counting the last one as a 9 and he wanted to push it for him to pass. Out of his desperation, thoughts like this were already coming out of his head and I can not blame him. We have been struggling for more than six months and it was an easy way out. When he told me his plan, I just have to remind him of the things that we value as a cadet. I shared to him something that I keep on telling myself every time I think of what he was thinking: Gragraduate ako dito kasi karapat dapat akong grumaduate hindi dahil dinaya ko (I will graduate here because I am worthy of that graduation and not because I cheated). As I told him that, I just have to shed a tear. The whole struggle was not anymore becoming a lesson of mere physical strength nor of humility, it was already a test of character. As we talked among ourselves moments after that close call, we consoled each other into saying that we will remember December 22 as the day that we stood on our Honor despite personal pressure.

I finally decided to make an attempt to celebrate Christmas at home. Early morning of December 24 I decided to take the exam and try to be home for Noche Buena. The frustration came early also as there was no one to supervise our test since everyone was apparently at home preparing for the midnight feast. I had to go et in touch with people but to no avail nothing came. At 12 noon, I was already contemplating on just spending Christmas inside my bunks by myself. Suddenly our names were called at the PA system, we are to take our PFT after all.

My chest was pounding as I started to do the first 5 pull ups. I never really managed to have a count more than 6 so when I heard seven, it was as if my body was on auto pilot and kept on pulling itself up that bar as the count increased. Finally, I heard it... the count was 9 and the cadets behind me where already jumping in celebration. I did it.

By 6 o'clock that night I was on a bus bound for Manila. at 11:30, my brother picked me up and I was home by midnight. I really am home for Christmas.

Looking at it now, the whole experience was indeed a journey of self realization. The events that unfolded did not go as I expected but as I said in my other entries regarding this, I will come out here a winner no matter what happens. To all the people who prayed for me, who cheered me on and the many others who believed that it can be done, thank you very much. To the God up above who continued to nurture me even amidst trying times, I am in awe at how He works. He gave me more than 9 pull ups, he gave me more faith and more grace. Thank you God and I bring you back all the glory.

Pulling up some more

I wrote earlier about this issue between the Press and the Government over the incident at the Manila Peninsula Hotel but decided to delete it for fear of saying something that might jeopardize my being part of the government. Instead, I will write about other things.

Yesterday, I was informed that my Physical Fitness Test will be on the 13th. On that day, if I will not pass that test, I will not be graduating on March. Let me explain why this is so as I have already done in some other posts in this blog, I really just have to put all of this out.

The Physical Fitness Test is a test that we are required to pass. Its like one major subject which involves running, push-ups, sit-ups and the dreaded (at least for me) pull-up. The standards were changed this year (no jerking movement allowed) and I have not passed the pull-up event. I was given an ultimatum and the 13th is the end of it, if not I will be suspended and join the next class that will graduate on 2009.

The reason why I am writing this is somehow to just put out my frustration and fear over the things that might happen to me in a week's time. From not being able to perform at least one repetition, I was able to make six last month. I then have to go through this program from the Sports and Physical Development Unit, the next thing I knew I can not even make one. Last night I tried practicing but was only able to make four which was already very hard for me. My theory is that the program destroyed my method in achieving my goal and in this institution its not like I can complain. I am not actually giving up but in my mind I am contemplating that it might just be possible that I will fail that test next week, I am actually trembling in fear as i write this.

A long time ago, I had this assurance of a promise that I was to graduate from this Academy and do wonderful things for the Lord. I did not know how that was possible then but I suddenly found myself back at the Academy. I knew then that it was the fulfillment of that promise. I know I have not been that perfect but I was always aware that I was being taught valuable lessons because I was being prepared to do things. Now I am in this situation and suddenly my faith is shaken. A couple of years ago, I was asked if I was willing to surrender the one thing that was very important to me. I have always spoken about surrender and now I am being called to surrender the most important thing I have in my life -- my cadetship and the hope to graduate in 3 months time. I feel that I have done what I am supposed to do preparing for my test, losing a lot of weight and exerting so much effort to exercise. I am writing this now because I want to document this journey of mine, although becoming sad, but still believing that this is all part of God's plan for me and really embracing the true essence of surrender... to surrender even to failure believing that God will be there to catch me.

This is the other entry about the same problem Pulling it up

Anyway, I am asking for prayers. I do not want prayers for me to get what I want but prayers for me to totally surrender what God wants for me. I am very afraid of next week but I am believing that God know what is best for me even if I do not feel good about it... This might just spell the end of diaries from Melchor Hall... I might go back to writing my diaries from the OUTSIDE WORLD... I need your prayers people.

Fear of Christmas

A certain feeling is inside me that I should be expressing something, its just that I have not idea what it is. I am in a state were my feelings are just expressing so many different things and I do not know whether I should confront it or not... or whether I should even be writing about it.

I think the feeling is about Christmas being just around the corner. In the past years, I have written about Christmas in this blog and somehow this year is different. A while back, I entered a classmate's room when I was greeted by a countdown for Christmas displayed behind the door. It was there that I realized that Christmas really is coming to town. After that, I went to another room to find another classmate watching the television complete with his Santa hat which I later borrowed and insisted to have a picture taken with me wearing it. Suddenly I realized that Christmas might just be a little different from the previous years.

Originally, I wanted to spend in by myself. I made elaborate plans in going to the province and just leaving my family behind. I wanted to have some sort of celebration by myself. But then I realized that I do have an important event that is coming-- my PFT. Because of that exam, there is this possibility that Christmas might not be so fun this year. I mean, its a certainty that I will celebrate Christmas outside of the Academy the problem is if I will still be a cadet by then. If that will be the case all my dreams and aspirations will just fade away and I do not know if I will be able to handle it. I just might celebrate Christmas in self-pity and frustration as how I did around 7 years ago.

I am thinking now that I should start psyching myself with the realities of my situation. Just this afternoon, I only made two pull-ups which is clearly not raising any of my chances. For some reason I think that the program the Sports and Physical Development Unit is doing to me is making me weaker by the day and I do not have a choice. Somehow, I have this feeling that they are trying to sabotage my cadetship. But again, there is this good side of me, who believes on things, who always have hope, who gives people the benefit of the doubt. Although my feelings are not that good, I am choosing to have faith, as I always do. I am afraid, but I am embracing my fate, submitting to what will happen and hope that I am a better person after however it will end. I guess I will have to be still and know who is God... Please pray for me people

A Special Day

I spent a very good day today. Coming from the hospital yesterday after being confined overnight, I just had so much energy to be able to do a lot of things. So after again being in front of the computer watching DVDs, I went to the church to practice the next day's praise and worship songs. You see, I normally do not lead the worship songs unless I choose which songs to sing but for some reason I agreed. The result was one good routine, something that I have not experienced for the longest time. In my mind, as I was singing the songs I could feel the very reason why I love singing to the Lord in the first place. I was almost in tears just trying my best to prevent it as I was in front of a PMA crowd in my cadet uniform. It was just a great experience that I can not exactly describe into words.

Later during the day, I finished the last of the episodes of the series I am currently watching to realized that at the end of it all, I was again becoming too emotional and all. The feeling is different as to the last time because as I sat in front of that computer monitor by myself, I got a glimpse of the things that I value the most and had some sort of validation why I valued it. Yes, I love watching dramas and it does not make me lesser of a person. It maybe my way of being able to contemplate about my life away from the regimented military institution at least I know how to maintain my sanity. So I came to a thought.

You see, we come to a point when the choices we made in our life becomes daunting. Its results already staring at us, lessons already revealed and sometimes, the pain already being felt. Its not very often that we come to a stage in our life that we get to have this instance where we realize if the choice we made a long time ago was the right choice. The thing that made today special is that it was that day. Imagine when for the whole day, the most important stages of your life seems to run over and over inside your head that every bit of it gathers a new meaning that you have not realized before. Think about a time when things of the past started to made sense. It was that day.

I realized that I was falling in love. Not falling in love in the romantic way as I usually whine about, but I am falling in love with the fact that through the years that I have not been so sure of the decisions that I made but decided anyway, I have learned to trust more rather than worry. I have been convinced that it is better to love more even when it is not reciprocated because in reality loving can never be "UN"-reciprocated. I have learned to be happy with everything that life offers me even if I do not understand it all because I know that God will always have His way of surprising me with valuable lessons that I could have never learned have I tried to know it all. I have learned to trust myself more than my desires and do things as my heart tells me all in the name of faith. Well, this could not have been brought about by being in the hospital, being able to feel good while singing and seriously not about a drama series. I think its more of a time when we are so in touch with ourselves that we get to experience the very essence of our existence. I think its about having that assurance that my life has always been in God's hand.

The days ahead will be full of beautiful and wonderful things and I can't wait for it to come. I love you people....

Music of the heart

I got a bit emotional after watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy where Dr. Bailey was singing her child a song over the phone. It became the background of showing love in so many different things. It was an illustration of how people show love. For me though, it was another instance where I get to think about love.

My mother used to teach me how to sing Christmas Carols. Actually, she did not intend really to teach me how to sing those songs, its just that I wanted to throw away some of the music sheets she had been keeping in the drawers for I do not know how long. When I told her of my plan, she told me that those were wonderful songs and that I should not just throw them away. At that time, I did not understand what she meant. Being an 8 year old child then, my idea of music was limited to sounds that can be heard from the radio, or those sang by people. I definitely have no idea how sheets of paper can actually be called music, much more music that my mother loved. Both me and my mother love to sing. She actually was the one who brought me to the movie house to watch Alladin and sang A whole new world with me until I lost interest on the song. On that day, she taught me all the songs in those music sheets, songs that I can still sing up to this very day including lyrics that I still memorized. That was the first time that the lessons in my music class about notes and all made sense. To this day, although not that sharp anymore, I can sing along songs just by merely looking at the lyric sheets.

In high school, I found myself singing in a Choir every Sunday during services. It wasn't like we were really good and all, but I love the singing and the music. Fast forward to PMA, I sing usually leading the praise and worship or just singing intently. The singing did not stop and I guess it will never be. Its not just the singing that I love, I like the music as well and perhaps that was the reason why I became emotional watching Dr. Bailey sing. I can not count anymore how many songs have made me cry, even the national anthem now gives me this different feeling especially when it is sung for a special occasion. Like I said in another entry, music is really music to my ears.

I guess music is in some way an expression of love. I think the reason why I never forgot the Christmas Carols that my mother taught me was because of the element of love that was placed in it. I think I will forever be captured by the beauty of music and its way in expressing the heart. Love is all around and I definitely find it in music. Well, I'll stop now and go back to singing. I love you people

Extreme ends of the emotion spectrum

I do not know if to write two thoughts in my head right now is a good idea considering that the two are like on the extreme ends of the emotional spectrum. One is on the happy side and the other is on the sad side. But then to just choose either one of the two is also unfair, for these two things are in fact major things that seem to be in the same level of importance in the way things are with my life. I am stopping now with my romantic episodes, just wait for it to come by again.

A few hours ago, I had the surprise of my life when I was called up to report in my athletic uniform to the Sports and Physical Development Unit (That's SPDU for us, but really its just the PE department of regular colleges). The reason was that I was to begin a sort of grace period before I am finally given my last Physical Fitness Test (PFT) after which judgment day will come. So I went there not having any idea of what was in store for me. I later learned that I was to take a some kind of a mock PFT.

Having recently developed some form of pain on my shoulders after resting with my exercises during the break and then going back suddenly to a rigid physical activity when I got back, I had to deal with more fears as I felt that I was not physically prepared to go through the test. But then again, PMA is PMA and I did not have the choice. The first events are those that I usually pass, the standing long jump, sit and reach all of which did not bother me at all. The feeling was great until the imposing pull up bar stood in front of me. Although I know I have improved, coming in terms with the reality that this is the event that might just prevent me from graduating next March sent shivers inside my body. As I gazed at the bars, my heart was pumping and I was sweating despite of the cool weather at the time. Well I do not wish to dramatize the whole event because by the time I can no longer raise myself up enough to clear my chin over the bar, the count was already six. That's six from the zero that I had the last time I took the same exam. That means that I am actually three repetitions away from passing the test which translates that I am basically three repetitions away from seeing the President shaking my hand and handing me my diploma. For the first time since I started failing the event and thinking about it, I realized that I can do it.

So I am done with the happy part, this is the sad part. Having heard about stories of how death can be so sudden, it doesn't really stick to people since for most of us we try to ignore the reality of death. I mean talking about it somehow evokes a kind of taboo but every now and then we are confronted by it and suddenly we realized that life is just a mist that is here not but can be gone tomorrow. Last Monday, I had to say goodbye to my classmate who died in the V Luna General Hospital. Its sad when we hear the usual one minute prayers dedicated to those alumni who die but its sadder when a classmate dies. "More sadder" is when that person was not just an ordinary classmate, he was a squadmate. Well, I do not seem to have the energy to write details about it since its really just sad but I promise to write a really good one, a proper tribute to a mistah who made life in PMA more bearable just by being the person that he is. To my classmate who is now in God's Hand, I will surely miss your songs, the jokes that I sometimes have to analyze to be able to laugh and of course the lovable person that you are.

Well, that's basically it, I think I will be able to write more often now with the classes resuming and life going back to normal. I love you people...

Pulling it up

I realized that the best way to deal with my struggles is to face it head on and I am doing it just now.

PMA as most people already know is not an ordinary educational institution. Although it pride itself with having an excellent academic curriculum, one does not graduate by merely being academically brilliant. There are four actualy: academics, character, military and physical. These four are all important aspects of cadet training which all of us must pass. On this four I struggle with the last.

Not that I am physically weak, its just that I have trouble doing one of the events in our regular Physical Fitness Test; the Pull-ups. According to some of the research I have done, the pull up is the ultimate exercise to test a person's weight to strength ratio. It is also the best exercise for the back. Obviously, my deficiency is on that aspect. When the semester begun this year, we were told that there will be a change in the way the Physical Fitness Test will be performed. They imposed stricter standards and that is where I find myself in trouble. In the previous years, I was used to doing this jerking motion to be able to do the exercise, this year though the jerking is no longer allowed. I find myself not being able to do even one against the required nine for me to pass. Not passing it means not being able to graduate in March. There goes my trouble.

I am writing this now not because I am asking for some mercy but because i want to face my fear. My fear is to accept that I am weak on this aspect and that I need help. Being in my position, with many other cadets looking up to as their leader, it is not easy to accept ones weakness. Every now and then when I go about doing my duty, I ask myself whether or not I have the right to lead people when I can not even do one exercise that most of those under me can do perfectly well. This has taken its toll with my not wanting to ask for help thus this honest revelation hoping to be comfortable with the idea that I need help and I need it badly. It took a while for me to do the exercise in the presence of other cadets out of simple embarrassment. I really have to swallow my pride now.

Last night, I was in a meeting with my other classmates. The agenda was simple: Me and how to pass my PFT. Although I did not show it to my classmates, it was one of the first signs of hope I had in the many months that I struggled dealing with this problem all by myself. More than just my own problem, it became clear that it was also my classmates problem. As we say here, "A mistah is thicker than blood." After last night I knew that those bunch of people will do whatever it takes to see to it that I will be stronger and be triumphant over my struggle.

Today I made a vow to myself (and to the others who are supporting me), I am giving myself up to October 20. That's almost a month. My birthday is the day after that and my birthday present is me being able to pass my PFT. I am having a rough start but then I know it can be done.

Yesterday, I was reading a story about a South African Doctor by the name of Dr. Richard Mayoyo. He was a neurosurgeon who was accidentaly shot on the head causing his paralysis. He wanted so badly to go back to being a neurosurgeon, something that was impossible because of how intricate it is to operate on a person's brain and him being paralyzed. To make the long story short he did came back to becoming a neurosurgeon. Some say it was a miracle, but reading it I say it was the triumph of the human spirit. The triumph of Dr Mayoyo's spirit and all the others who did not give up on him.

I am beginning my own journey into the triumph of my own spirit. Just as how this blog has been a witness to many of my struggles as a cadet and how I managed to deal with all of it, this blog will be a witness to that. I am hoping that those who will read this blog will pray for my struggle. I will pull my spirit up and in the process become a better person... God Bless me

Just blogging

After my announcement last week, now is the only time tha I have something to write. I'm feeling better now and I'm done with all my exams for this semester so this is a good way to start.

The reason why I did not post for the past week was because I was into something that really occupied me so much. Looking back at it now, I feel that I should have written something about it for the pupose of being able to record the evnts that happened to my life in the past days. My hand is actually going on automatic in the keyboard because all the ideas are just comming out of my mind like flowing water from a dam that has not been opened for a while. Bear with me as I try to accomodate all of these ideas.

Developing new friendship are just some of the things that have occupied me in the past week. I did not know that it was possible but really I am enjoying the company of new people. I am discovering how lives can be so different yet so similar to each other. I realized that the way to another person's heart is to let go of your differences and treasure the things that bound you together as people. In the next coming days I will try to write more about this new friendship and somehow be able to really understand why it has really made something out of the totality of my existence.

My chances on my PFT are getting slimmer by the day and with all my academic requirements fulfilled for the semester, I decided to go on a rigid physical regimen in the next coming weeks to address this growing concern on my physical fitness as a cadet. I have been trying to read a lot about doing pull-ups and that is what I will try to do in the next weeks hoping that God will be faithful and bless me with the upper body strength I need to pass it. Please help me pray.

The 9th National Debate Championship is also fast approaching with PMA as host. There has been several problems that were encountered but I still say that the experience the participants will have with PMA as host will be something that they will remember for the rest of their lives.

I just realized that I really was not able to write something substantial but then again that is just how it is, maybe some other time. The thing is I am praying for the good things to come, help me people with prayers.... Thanks

The place where we are one

It's been a while since I had an enjoyable conversation. There have been several times that I just want to talk to people beyond my life as a cadet. I want to talk to them about areas other than the military, I wanted to talk about life as we live it.

I was talking earlier with some of our instructors and it was a rejuvenation of some sort. I was both excited and curious of their lives.

A typical day of a cadet consists mostly of routine activities that we do day in and day out. Life becomes so monotonous that at some point it undermines our very personality. We wake up in the same room, do the same things for the whole day, so definitely we do not talk about what happened to us during the day. The thing there is that we really have nothing to talk about because we share the same life.

This afternoon, I found myself in a company of my civilian instructors, telling me different things that are not in any way related to my existence as a cadet. At one point we were talking about career choices, about plans for the future. One wants to live a luxurious life, another a career in law. The conversation includes the ins and outs of the choices one is going to make in getting there, the implications of such decisions and of course, the fulfillment one get afterwards. In the almost an hour that we were sharing ideas, it was as if I was transported to a different world. It was a world where everyone is living their own life trying their best to reach their goal. In that world, I wasn't some cadet. I was a cadet and they were teachers; all of us want to have the life that we dream of.

I always say that dreams make the people that we are. Our ability to dream determines our courage to face each day believing in those dreams. In the group of people I was with, I did not have to worry whether or not I am going to Mindanao after graduation. I did not have to worry whether the things that I know are good enough to become a lieutenant. In that gathering, we were all dreamers, figuring out how to live our lives, thinking about ourselves and BEING OURSELVES.

The way a cadet spends his life are full of expectations that at some point just drains the very essence of the person that we are. Sometimes we are fed up with being cadets and longs to be treated just like any other human being with all the goals and aspirations that define the person that we are. Once in a while, we get those chances and we become whole again, we become rejuvenated.

Thinking about it now, I find myself back to my real world. I am inside a room full of people wearing the same clothes as I do. All of us are subjected to the same regulation, the same rules, the same everything. But being here and talking to my instructors earlier, I have come to a realization of the very essence of why I am here. As I live my life, enduring it's boredom and monotony, being envious of people who have more freedom, I realize that I am in fact in my place. I am at a place where the sacrifices that I make matter more than my individual dreams and aspiration. I am at a place that even though there are times that I just hate it here, somewhere out there people also have the same worries as I do, they too worry what to do with their life.

After this, I will go back to my room and sleep on my bunks. Tomorrow, I will wake up among the same group of pe0ple. I will then go on with my life and see the familiar faces that I had a conversation with the night before. And then I will realize, just like me we are all the same people. We are in fact all dreamers, living this life and hoping that we'll be good at it.

Pictures Galore

I was looking at the pictures that I had been keeping in the hard disk and got a little nostalgic about the memories I had as a cadet so I am posting those pictures now to share a few of those memories.

This was taken at summer camp 2004, hanapin nyo ako, ang payat ko nyan and so are all the plebes
Behind me are lots and lots of instant pancit canton. Believe it or not, a feast inside the cadet barracks consist mainly of pancit canton, news paper and hungry cadets. In this picture it was our turn to cook the evening's "boodlefight"

This picture was taken a few days before the graduation of Class 2006. With me are now Air Force Lieutenant Ramayan and Navy Ensign Robles. The other one is my squadmate. All four of us were members of the same squad which is actually the "family" of cadets being the smallest unit This picture was taken after Ranks Inspection. I was a yearling then. The year after this we were all realigned to another company.

With me in this picture is Hanna taken during last year's Alumni Homecoming. She's a dear friend married to an upperclass.I really was an extra at the Maalaala mo Kaya episode about the life of the late 2LT Toledo and here's the picture to prove it. I was one of those who kept on passing in most of the scenes... palakad lakad lang

In and out of Makati

If you are wondering the reason for that last entry, well just wonder with me. In the past days I have been trying to write something. I actually was able to write around three entries that I do not find worthy of posting. Then finally yesterday, I just wanted to say I love you so I did it in my blog. It's weird really but then its my blog, I can write whatever I want.

My brother and I had this unusual habit of spending time inside Glorietta Mall. Since we lived about 15 minutes away, it was the closest place we can go where we can have some fun the way we want it. Most of the time, we do not have money to spend so we contend ourselves with one burger each and unlimited softdrinks from Carl's Jr. Our routine then is to sit somewhere near the entrance and then just watch people and talk about them. I remember how we try to mouth what two people were saying to each other or figuring out how long a certain couple have been together just by looking at the way they are together. It was so much fun until my brother had to go to school while I had to go to work.

My work then was also exciting in itself. I think I have written extensively about how fun my work was in my old blog. A while ago I was telling my stories in an e-mail to a friend who is now also working in Makati and remembering it brought back all the fun that I had while at it. I remembered how I marvel myself with the tall buildings that I go to and be amazed with how large the offices of their VIPs are. I remember usually telling myself then: "Totoo pala yung sa movies." I also recall how I walk along Ayala Avenue and be excited to go home because so many ideas came to mind that I want to blog about. Well, at the end of that e-mail I realized that I will not be able to experience that again as there is no military camp in Makati and that I will have to contend myself large expanse of forests to patrol, barangays that have not seen the Internet and of course the simple joy of a guitar and perhaps a good songbook. Well, at least I have my memories with me and who knows what I will discover in these places.

I remember a time when I hated Metro Manila. That was because I practically grew up in Dumaguete and I find the bigger city more fast paced and confusing. But working in Makati sure did changed my perception. I like the idea of walking through tunnels and interconnected overpasses that lead you to the best places like Glorietta or Greenbelt. I like sitting at Starbucks and entertain myself with how people go about with their lives. I like driving along Makati's red light district and wonder how prostitution be so indiscreet yet still unchallenged. Well the thing is Makati is an interesting place, not just because it's Makati but because there is so much about it than one can experience. Maybe I will have other opportunities to discover some more of the place.

One more thing... I remember it was in Makati where I first saw Jimmy Bondoc sing "Let me be the one" a few months before his career took off. It was a free concert and back then people were not that attentive to a not so known guitar clad singer.

Anyway, I just can't wait to go home for break in two months time. I love you people!!!

Lessons that are only learned by living it.

My head is already aching trying to digest all the ideas that I have been reading about Military Theorists for a paper that I will submit next week. Blogging is a cure

The past days can be described as both tiring and surprising. I have decided to start doing all the things that I have been neglecting for the past days. I am not yet done with my paper, then I have another paper for Friday plus the website for an event we will be hosting by October. I know I can cope up I just do not know how tired I will be.

The thing that keeps me excited now are events that I did not know was possible. One may have observed the overtures that I have been writing about some person wishing that she'll read it. Of course, that was wishful thinking. At the back of my mind, I was hoping for something that included more of an interaction rather than my constant imagination of things that may not come. I have come to the point of just letting it be and not worrying much about all the things that are happening with that stuff. If truth be told, I have become passive and just heeding the instances when I feel that I miss her. Of course, I can not really say that I miss her as in miss her. How can it be possible when I barely know her? But then I have to admit, that in as much as I try to deny things within me, the thought lingers and honestly, it feels good in my system. I really did not understand, I was just thinking that in some distant future I will, I was merely hoping... just as I always do.

I prayed hard, ignored the negative thoughts that came to me and went on. I was believing that it was a matter of trusting God for the good things. How do I write something that I do not wish to be revealed yet feel that I have to write it? Let me put it this way, in our life we find reasons that we do not understand. We cling to it and hope that in some distant future the time will come when it will make sense. Some give up, for my part I just did not know what else to do, so I continued to believe. Right now, I still cling to that belief, to that hope. In some distant future I know I will understand. Life is unfolding in my midst revealing to me valuable lessons that can only learned by living it.

Another Gawad Kalinga story

In the past four sundays, I have been going to the Gawad Kalinga site here in the province. It was the same place that I went to about October of last year (see this blog). This time though my involvement became more of wanting to get involved.

We have recently forged an informal alliance with other schools in supporting this Gawad Kalinga site and I am looking forward now to a fun filled year ahead of me working for the project. So what is it that I realized?

You see, for someone like me, who although had a rough time growing up emotionially and all the problems in the family, I did not have much experience in how is it to be poor. My family is not well-off but we definitely have food (good food at that) everytime we need it. To understand the state of my countrymen who are below the poverty line, I will have to get that from another experience not of my own. What is it that people like me will get from building houses and doing things that we've never done before?

As I was talking to the other people in the area earlier, I realized that more than just building the houses it is in fact a social responsibility. It is our role to be part in solving the problems of our countrymen and not criticize them because of their state. To give a person a house to live is not just providing him shelter, it is actually giving him back his dignity. Just imagine this, someone who has a place he calls home will not only want to keep it that way but will want to take advantage of that opportunity. By giving a person that spark of hope, we are telling them that life is not that bad after all and there is a way towards our dreams and the dreams of their children. More than the simple act of kindness that we were doing, it was a revelation to understand that in each person is that intangible chance of doing good and making great wonders out of it. It becomes an experience that allows a person to understand his role in the bigger context of a society that seeks to move itself forward. Looking back at the simple things that we do for others, it becomes a worthy investment that does not only get things done but moves the spirit of the people we touch. To understand that is to catch the true spirit of simply helping out.

In an e-mail I wrote to a friend earlier, I told her how my head is spinning with ideas of the things that can be done. For quite sometime, I find myself going into something that has found a special place in my heart, giving me a great way to do things that matter. In all this I am amazed, I am truly blessed...