Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Our episodes of immaturity

I was browsing through a friendster account of a friend I had since long time ago. I just recently found her account and so I took the time to just browse through the many pictures she uploaded since I have not seen her since 2005. The thing that strucked me was this big picture she used as a background. It was a picture with her now husband or soon to be husband (I do not know really since we have not talked). It dawned to me how things have changed in the past years. I was contemplating how life has been evolving into more permanent and serious things from long ago when all we had are just dreams.

In the not so distant past, when all we think about are things that could give us the fun that we want in this life, it was as if life was pretty easy and the worries where not that important. For myself, I have lived my life hoping that the good things will come yet not really making serious consideration on how this things will become a reality. It was as if I wanted something to the tune of happily ever after without really trying. I could remember all my childhood misdemeanors and wonder now why on earth was I able to think of doing those things?

In another friendster account of someone I know back in high school, there was a series of pictures with her in famous landmarks all over the world. Not that I envy her, but I kind of tried to remember how she was in the days of immaturity and try to connect those memories to the person that she is right now. My answer was -- I do not know. And then there was this query from a friend asking me how on earth was I able to think of going to PMA when I was simple "kulisaw" (I do not know the exact word in tagalog but its more like UN-PMA). Coming to think of it, its a wonder how kulisaw people like me, will go through a regimented life as a soldier. And its not just me or my other friend, there are so many others that I begin to wonder how each is connected. I wonder whether or not there is some sort of cause and effect to the things that we do in our life. Is immaturity simply a period in everybody's life or doe it have some bearing in the kind of person we will become?

I go back to my stint as class president when I was in second year high school. I wasn't really class president material. Back then I had insecurities that was so evident, I can even say now that I did not have that much to claim for myself. The reason I became class president was that we impeached our original class president (that person by the way is now doing good as a flight attendant also flying across the world) and I replaced her for the mere reason that I had the guts to speak out even to our teachers when the class is in some kind of trouble. Ironically, I now belong to profession where speaking out is taboo unless asked to do so and misbehaviour is met with hard and swift punishments. If we try to see the connection of the two, there is basically NONE. So again my original question.

But looking at that experience now and my present state, I could say that it really does have this some kind of cause and effect relationship. For one, I wasn't entirely successful in defending my class since many of our misbehaviours have been punished in some way. By the time we were moving to third year, more than half of my classmates have been kicked out of my school, it was a good thing I was spared. Also, I realized that it wasn't more of the misdemeanor or being class president that was important at that time. In fact, I did not put that position in the yearbook when I graduated simply because I was afraid that my classmate whom we impeached will also put it in her yearbook. Comparing the two of us with her angelic face, she is more believable to hold such position. But really, the more glaring reality was that it was my time to shine. Although it was more of doing mischief, I had that opportunity to be a person that people depended on and I loved it. In the next coming years, I no longer engaged in so much mischief but concentrated more on being a dependable person on something that I am good at doing. I went into Debating, joined a Political Party in our Student Government, immersed myself with Scouting and got involved with so many other things. I may not have been a popular kid back then, but I guess I was doing something that I knew I was good at and I loved it. Looking at it now, I could say that the effect is the person that I am now. I may not be the really best person at what I do but I know I am doing something I know I am good at.

Well, I do not wish to debate whether or not I am really good at whatever it is that I do, I can just say that I try to be one very hard. I just want to say that at some point in our episode of immaturity, back in the days when all we wanted to do was something that was fun, we found things in this life that make us go alive that just defines the person that we will become. It is not a question of whether or not we have been good through and through but in the end it is always about the person that we are now, whether we are good or BAD. Somehow there is a link to all these things until finally we are able to understand our dreams and work towards achieving these dreams.

Finally, maybe I am just lucky. In reality, there is no way of predicting whether or not one action that we did before will result to something good even if that action was good. The thing that is very glaring and certain is that we are responsible for the person that we will become. When everything has been said and done, the person that we are is entirely our doing.

No comments: