Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Rantings

I would have written about something different when I decided to sit and type a blog entry, but because of the e-mail I wrote just before I finally went to my blogger account, I changed plan-- here it is.

The holidays brought me to several instances when I really have to ask myself about the things that I want in for myself. Maybe its the feeling that we get when a year is about to end and we contemplate on the things that we did the previous years. On my case, I also had to deal with the joy of passing my Physical Fitness test and finally seeing the possibility of graduation come 16 March. But to think about all the things that I wanted to do has lead me to ask whether or not the person that I have become through the years is leading towards the things that I want or am I just fixated on goals that I have decided long ago to pursue not realizing that I might not be the same person in the coming years.

This issue was brought about by the my father's constant bugging regarding a girlfriend... or even a fling as he would want it. My father's dialogue now when he gets the chance to talk to me is that "May girlfriend ka na ba?" In previous occasions, I laugh about this queries but then this time, it just makes me think of the things that I wanted to do especially on this area of my life.

Some people follow this blog because of the few occasions that I write about my love life (or the lack of it). I have heard of one person actually looking forward to what will happen to my crush of all time and then another calling me with names that mainly compose of words hopeless and romantic and its many derivations (like romantically hoping). But really, there just comes a time when we are fully convinced that this is how things should be done, but at the back of our minds feel that we should have done it another way and maybe got the result that we wanted. It becomes a dilemma between convictions and emotions, about submission and active pursuit. More often, I find myself wondering if indeed the way that I have become as a person was indeed the way I wanted it to be or is it that I am just making myself believe that this is the way I wanted myself to be in the first place since I do not have a choice anymore since this is what I have become. It is a battle inside my head that questions the very person that I am.

But love is not supposed to be putting me in this situation. I should delight on all the things that have happened to my life and be happy how I have surpassed the things that have come my way. I should have no regrets for everything that happened made me the person that I am right now. That is, psychologically speaking because deep inside me is that question if the things that I have done where the right actions in those situations. Yes people, this is more about love. I do not regret doing many of the things that I have done even if some of it has caused pain either to me or the people around me. My feelings right now are focused more on my regrets over the opportunities that I allowed myself to miss, the chances that I did not take all because I was believing that romance is not an active pursuit but rather it is a gift from God, somehow I am becoming impatient waiting for that gift.

My game plan (as I would call it) is just to love everybody and wait for that whisper. Along the way, I will have to increase my "resale" value so that when the time comes it will be easy to make decisions like settling down, marriage and all this stuff. In the resale value thing, I think I am successful but the waiting is already getting into my nerves especially now that everyone around me seems to make it their mission in life to hook me up with some girl whom they believe is the answer to my prayers. Is it stupid of me to ignore all of these things and continue to stand on the belief system I have learned out of my faith?

This again is a piece of my ranting. Like many of the rantings I had, I will read this one in the future and laugh at myself because of this. I know this because I have had many occasions that are very similar to this one. What I am certain of right now is that I am still looking forward to the future. Someday it will happen and this blog will be the testament to all of it.

I love you people

4 comments:

nina said...

uminom ka muna ng maraming alkohol, since you have beerbusting naman in the academy(o wala?), i assume malakas na ang tolerance mo for that kaya dapat madami, tipong 3 cases all to yourself. tapos lapit ka sa crush mo. yun lang, lapitan mo lang haha.

alex said...

Bawal yun while in the academy baka mabulilyaso ko yung remaining 54 days ko before graduation... hahaha

Anonymous said...

"I did not regret causing pain to others but I regret missing out on opportunities"

makasarili at oportunista pa din ano?

I'll give you a tip. If you want a relationship badly try thinking of others and not what you are out to get for yourself for a change.

But first you have to admit that you are a selfish pig, and then confess to God and repent.

Only then can you start knowing what "true" love is - not this futile searching for women to satisfy your needs and wants.

Then get on your knees and pray.

Then come back and tell us about it.

Unless you do that, whatever comes out of your mouth may be just the same ol shit on a different day.

alex said...

I do not understand how my rantings came to be known as a "futile searching for women to satisfy your needs and wants." Believe me if I had my way I would not be ranting about it since my "needs and wants" would definitely be satisfied. The point is there are certain choices that we make once we get to learn from our experiences and understand things. Yes I do not regret doing things that hurt people because I refuse to be haunted by mistakes of my past but then it does not mean that I was not sorry to those people. Being regretful does not necessarily mean that we were sorry in the same way that just because we do not regret our actions we fail to understand the implications of this actions. I am taking responsibility for my actions and yes, I do not owe everyone an explanation.

I may rant about things in my life, thoughts that bother me but then I must say that when all is clear, I know who I am and stand by what I believe in. People may not necessarily like the kind of person that I have become. I do like myself and for me that is all that matters.

If you are one of those that I have hurt I'm sorry I know I have not always been good but we have to live our lives we can't be haunted forever by these mistakes. Just let go of that hatred I caused you, that will be good for you.