Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The end of my writing career

Yesterday, when I went back to the barracks I was called to go to an officer. I was being asked to write something for them. Going back a few hours after and lying on my bed, I can not understand why I am being asked to do something that has caused me to be in trouble. Again, I promise not to give out details but let us just say that I got into trouble over something that I wanted to write. I thought I would be dismissed and I came into something that allowed me to confront my greatest fears. But let me start from the beginning.
I remember how I envy a classmate in high school who writes so well. She had such talents in words that I often find myself carried away by the emotions in her writing. For my part, the writing that I did most of the time then were letters to the editor, complains over school policies and others that almost always are critical to an existing system or entity. Being in the student council then, I find it so easy to rebut issues that my organization is being placed especially when my emotions are running wild in rage over the writers. I hated the writers then.
Then I discovered blogging. Its not like it came out of the blue, the joy of being able to express myself has somehow led me to a feeling of contentment that I have never experienced in my life. At first I only wrote comments about the things that I have seen, later on it became my experiences and in time I was practically writing everything that came into my mind. Through the years I have developed a sense of confidence on the ideas that I write that I no longer care if people like what I write or not, I was just doing it for the pure love of it.
Writing in PMA was another thing. I just finished reading one fantastic book that I decided to write about it (out of boredom that is). When it was done, I did not know what to do with it so I submitted it to the magazine. I had no intention of doing it regularly but soon they were asking me other reviews about books that I've read. I became bolder and bolder in my writing that soon, I was writing everything that came to mind that might suit the taste of the readers of the Corps Magazine. Of course there were also times that I did it for some gain. I once joined a writing contest here in the Academy and won some money which gave me the idea that I can actually get money from it. But generally, through the years I have learned to love writing not just for pure expression but for cleansing of the soul. I do not expect people to understand what I mean but let me just say that it is something that I really want and enjoy doing.
And then my tragedy. Its not like I was thinking of some corrupt idea for something or for someone, I was just doing what I thought was appropriate. Apparently it wasn't that appropriate to some people and everything came down crashing into me. I guess the things that we love the most does not necessarily mean that we are always being rewarded, sometimes the things that we love the most are those that will be used to question the kind of person we are. And I say that they were entirely wrong.
My writing now is confined to this blog and of course to some tasks that they think I can help them with. The irony of it is that despite of them acknowledging that writing is something that I am good at (this is the deduction considering that they are asking me to write their reports, some articles and others) they refuse to allow me to practice the kind of person that I have become because of the talent that I have been endowed. I first thought that the end of my writing career will be something that I will dread. But now, looking at the ideas that I jotted down in preparation for articles that I wanted to write, its not really that bad. I learned that in the end I do not have anything to prove to them and they will never kill my talent no matter what happens. Maybe I am trying to console myself but the truth of the matter is although there is something that they took away from me, my writing career will never end. My ideas will endure as long as people will keep on reading it.
I am not yet so sure if I will do it but I am planning to publish the article that ended my stint at the Corps Magazine in this blog. I'm hoping they (I mean those who stopped me from writing it) will read it. I am hoping that they will restrain me again and this time they will hit me harder, maybe dismissing me. Its not like I was writing something that is prejudicial to the AFP, or was calling for a mass action, I was simply making a good article about a topic that is not even controversial. I know I will be fearful but after going through what I went through, I think I will be able to handle it. If I will be judged because of what I write then be it, at least I am applying something that they taught me.
So I have finally accepted that my stint at the Corps Magazine has ended. I will never write again in that magazine unless they are the ones who will ask me to come back, oh I would love it if it was the person who signed my death warrant (its as if he cared for that magazine). So its the end of something and the beginning of another. May God Bless me.


ian gomez said...

the world needs more people like you who hold the darn mirror to its face, unabashedly calling a spade a spade, while tempering it with tact and good old fashioned values.

i may know very little about the inner workings of the military establishment but it would remiss in its duties of enabling and empowering the Filipino Soldier if it suppresses the freedom of expression and speech- part of the list of things they have sworn to protect.

write on, bro.

alex said...

I am touched by your comment but I have to correct some notion that you may not be aware of.

Inasmuch as the Armed Forces has the mandate to protect the right of every citizen to freely express themselves, the organization does not give that right to its members. It is an irony that you can only understand the significance once you are already inside the system. The issue is not on being able to express one's self but on the responsibility in handling authority. I totally submit that I will not be able to fully express myself but I will not be silent on those who abuse their authority just because their subordinates can not do otherwise to stop them. Leadership in the Military is different from the one practiced in civilian organizations but just the same it has to be tempered with responsibility, maturity and most especially humility

Anyway, thanks for reading my posts hope you will come again and visit.