Is this really it?

I haven't been blogging for a while and so many things have happened. For one, I am now on Christmas Break and I am typing right now at home with my brother and his infant daughter at the back. It's really amazing how much joy a small child can bring to a house. Anyway, I'm somewhat confused over something and that is why I am writing in my blog, maybe as it usually happens I eventually make sense when I start pouring out my feelings in this blog.

Several years back, I had the opportunity to form my concept on things about romance and falling in love. I realized then that this is a major part of our life and that this should not be something that should be taken lightly. I gain inspiration from the experiences of other people and learning from them at the same time integrating the values that I learned from my faith. Upon the advice of a pastor that I truly admire, I started writing qualifications that I had set for the girl I am looking for. The first on the list was prayerful and then she must love her family. That list started to become longer until I have somehow forgotten about it, then I made the biggest mistake of my life by being overtaken by my feelings and finally hurting people. It had to take sometime before I was able to gain my composure and be crystal clear of how I really wanted it to be according to my convictions in life. And then suddenly I find myself mesmerize by this person. The first time, I wanted to be sure that she really was worth the look. I realized that she had this focus on doing what she wants to do and that is impressive. She know what she wants in life and has the discipline to do it. Of course, she was pretty and yes she carries a tune. To put it simply, I was impressed and I just felt that this is it. I started to contemplate on things eventually telling myself that she was indeed the ONE. Upon further contemplation I realized that it was time to let God do His miracle. Realizing that my feelings are in its proper place and that I know what my heart says it was then up to God to clear the way and do His magic. I am not comfortable with it. Really, I have this thought that maybe she'll meet another guy or maybe she'll just completely forget about me but then I realized that if I think that she is so perfect and for God she's still not then only two things could happen it's either God will make her perfect or someone a lot better is in store for me. As for now, I'm learning surrender. I'm learning that the most important things in our life has to be entrusted to the person who knows what is best for all of us. What happens next is something I truly do not know, but then the universe will conspire to make it happen... and I really believe that a miracle will happen. I'll keep on praying...

Romantic Ideas

As I have said in my previous posts, I simply want to be in love. I do not know what came into me but I guess there just comes a time in any person's mind that he feels this longing for companionship. I am lucky to have the best female friends there is I can think of. There is Hiyas who's just there, always ready to bear with my usual insanities and complement it with her own insanities. Of course, I do admit that she is becoming a woman now even contemplating marriage with her boyfriend, grabe ang landi. And then there is Shiela, who although seems like a bubble who suddenly appears and then disappears, is still the sweetest girl and I hope her boyfriend now knows it pag hindi ipapa hunting ko sya sa mga berks ko. And then there is Nyke, whose innocence I can not understand.... gaga ka ba talaga o nagpapakagaga ka lang? But of course, I love her just the same lalo na ngayong magpapasko at marami na naman kaming business transactions... hehehe. And then there is my cousin who loves me so much that I learn to love unconditionally also even with the eccentricities of so many people. And then there is Auntie Arlene, the epitome of unconditional love as in you simply can't believe how loving she is kahit matigas ang ulo mo, kahit masama ugali mo pag sinabi nyang mahal ka nya as in walang kamatayang pagmamahal. And so I wonder with all the girls I have been loving for so long, what is it really that I am looking for in a girl? Yesterday, I suddenly found my notebook. It was a notebook that I bought around 5 years ago and wrote into whenever I just feel like writing. One important page of this notebook is at the back part where I wrote the characteristics of the girl I am praying for. First there is Prayerful, now thinking about it, hindi pwede yung crush ko ngayon, she even said that she feels she's not even worthy of reading religious stuff. And then there is this "Dapat mahal nya ang pamilya nya", that I do not know. And then meron ding Christian.... mas lalo yun, so in the end wala lang tapos ang usapan, its the end of story maybe she'll change or maybe not hindi natin alam, I can just look at her sometimes admire her and say "Siguro something better is still out there for me." The truth is, every now and then I hate it when my conclusion is that way. I mean one can't help but lose patience imagine ang tagal ko nang naghihintay?

My idea of romance is simple. Really. Promise. I would want that I will meet a girl. Get to know her. Be friends with her. Be impressed everyday that I meet her. Meet her parents. Go to church with her. Talk to her about everything under the sun. Tell her that I love her. Enjoy the things that I enjoy with her by my side. Bring her to the romantic places I have identified in my lifetime. Bring her to a Cadet Hop. Introduce her to my classmates. Marry her. Live happily ever after. Mahirap ba yun? Anyway, I realized that as the day passes one thing becomes certain when I think of romance, I am becoming more and more convinced that I need to be the best person that I can be worthy of romance. I just have to prepare myself for the beautiful things that are to happen. Well, I'm just being sentimental again, as usual walang pakialamanan magsulat din kayo ng sarili nyong kabadingan... hehehe :)

Chigi Chigi

That's the new word I learned from the MAAP cadet that was rommed with me when they visited PMA for an immersion tour. Apparently, it was the international term for prostitute, sex for sale. The MAAP cadet that I was talking about had been to different ports in the world and he said that anywhere in the world if you say the term they will take you to the prostitution dens in that locality. Well, that was some new information...

Today, I am again flooded with emotions because of the season. Tomorrow will be our last daysof classes so all my subjects for today are the last for this year. When we were dismissed in my Economics class, instead of the usual, "form properly outside", or "your assignment for next meeting is..." the instructor simply said Merry Christmas everyone. Wala lang it was really fun and I was singing Christmas Carols going back to the Barracks....

So anyway. to everyone MERRY CHRISTMAS

You must love me...

I do not know what came into my mind when I wrote the title. It's fast becoming a habit that I write something in the topic and try my best to squeeze out something from my mind regarding the title that I wrote so as usual, bear with me because I will try my best to make something out of the ideas I have on my head.

In the past days I have been so sentimental on so many things. After arriving from Laguna Monday night of last week, I kind of felt that I was still in the trance. The bugle sound of tattoo was an unwelcome signal that I was really back in Baguio and back to my real world. I really did have a blast in Laguna and perhaps that is why I felt so bad at going back to Baguio realizing how much fun I could have if I wasn't some cadet. But then I wouldn't have fun in Laguna if I wasn't a cadet, I wouldn't even be there in the first place. The feeling continues until the next day as I eat my breakfast, the Christmas Carols just filled the mess hall and again I was nostalgic, I remembered so many things like carolling, talking to people, wrestling with my brothers, talking to my late mother on the phone, writing letters to people, walking under the stars and singing my favorite songs as if nothing mattered, crying over an article from some magazine, being amazed with the so many good books one can find inside unheard of bookstores, daydreaming about my recent crush, watching mushy movies that people never imagined I watch, running around the village with our labrador macy, eating KFC as if it was my last meal, walking around the mall alone and trying my best to contain my disgust about how some people try their best to look good, contemplating on things that have happened and being thankful that life still continues..... I can go on and on thinking about so many things the finally it snapped, I really was in PMA. There was no mother... she's dead; I can't wrestle with my brothers... we're adults now; no letters to write... everybody wants to text; no time to daydream... there are so many things to do; no running around the village with a dog... PMA is not a village and cadets are not allowed to have dogs; No KFC... just Bowling's Fried Chicken; No malls... just Post Commisary... and the list goes on and on too. In the end I can just be sentimental about all this things and at some point feel bad.

But then again, I remember all the good things I was enumerating earlier. I remember how it was so hard back then just to imagine wearing the cadet uniform, I remembered how my mother inspired me to put family above all other considerations, I remembered how I cried over the Alma Mater song thinking that I may just not be able to call it MY Alma Mater, I remembered people like Hiyas and Shiela that just seemed to have this unending patience over me thatI can't imagine how life would have been if I haven't met these two ladies (to their boyfriends, pasensya kayo mas mahal pa rin nila ako har har har). I remember my young niece biruin mo magkamukha sila ng kuya ko kababae nyang tao.... :) I remember my crush wala lang nangangarap lang malay mo may mapala ako... I therefore conclude... He must love me

See, it makes sense, I think now is the time to count our blessings and look at it as inspirations to go on and smile despite of the things we do not feel about. God must have really loved me that I can be so happy even at thinking about all the things that have happened in my life.....

Christmas Plans

Last night while we were practicing the songs that we are going to sing for this year's one 1oo night Show..... ooops.. I haven't posted anything about the show..... well let me explain....

The 100 night show is an annual production conducted by the cadets of the Philippine Military Academy. Traditionally, it is done 100 days before the graduation of the graduating class through the years it has evolved to a production that is also open to the public. This year as always, I'm part of the show as a member of the Glee Club (well that's what I do, walang pakialamanan)

Anyway, as I said, while we were practicing the songs that we are going to sing, I kind of felt eeky as I listen to our songs. Being the cadets that we are, most of the songs were love songs, songs that have become timeless because of the emotions that it evokes. I remembered vividly how wonderful the feeling was while we were singing Pasko na Sinta ko and Kailangan Kita, it adds more to the already piled up emotions that I have been feeling lately. I am so excited to go home for Christmas break, I no longer want to go to Cebu, I think I will have a blast in Manila considering that I have a new pamangkin (grabe hindi ko pa yata nabanggit that my eldest brother's wife gave birth to a daughter) in the person of Beatriz Alynn(I find it weird actually parang mayaman, feeling ko magiging maarte yung pamangkin ko pag tanda). Then plus my new friends that are in Lipa, lakwatsa na naman since I haven't been to Lipa. Atsaka so many things like Christmas naming tatlong magkakapatid which we haven't had since two years ago, this year though feeling ko ako ang magpapakain... Grabe, I feel like crying ang sarap pala ng Christmas. Last year I remembered how kind of sad it was since we were all inside barracks and most of my classmates were shouting merry Christmas at the top of their lungs. Feeling ko this year medyo drama yung Christmas, I mean this is my first Christmas with my family as a cadet yung tipong isang bagay na I prayed and persevered for in the last four years of my life. And then so many things changed already, my eldest brother is now with a wife a an infant daughter, our bunso has graduated from College and is now working, while I'm back in the Philippine Military Academy as a cadet. If you knew how my life is, it wasn't this good for the past how many years. Imagine this:

1999 my mother was dying of cancer and unknowingly it was to be her last Christmas with us.

2000 I ran away from home because I just got discharge from PMA and I was so ashamed of myself, did not know what to do with my life

2001 all we had was one bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken for Christmas and that was basically it

2002 was with our other family with daddy and our half brothers and sisters which wasn't really that fun

2003 I spent most of the time watching Meteor Garden until early in the morning

2004 I was in between two white sheets enjoying the Baguio Climate away from my family

See, I think this year will be a lot better as in a lot, I'm thinking now of the things like buying gifts for each of my brothers (yung dalawa lang ha), my sister in law, and my pamangkin, and then siguro for myself, and then to my friends. Tapos I will go out with friends and tell them how I appreciated the fact that they were my friends. Grabe na to I'm so in love... well hay nako tama na at magtetext pa ako, I'll start thinking about the things that I will buy.... for the rest of the people.. Merry Christmas na lang.....