Some thoughts

Haven't blogged for a while, Graduation week was just so busy. So now I sit comfortably in front of our computer in our house in Antipolo, enjoying my first day on break. I just try to update with the things that have happened.

As if it was a surprise yesterday when I glanced at the newspapers at one stand I happend to pass by, PMA was in the front page with my company mate and former Company Commander , the Class 2006 valedictorian, leading the pack. I guess that is just how newspapers are a day after any PMA Graduation. Last year, I remembered the front page of Philippine Star that "starred" another companymate who was weeping as he hugged his lola after graduation. After that I kind of thought of the gimmick to do on my Graduation day two years from now that would make it in the front page of the newspapers. (Dream on Alex....)

And then when I finally saw my 6 month old niece, I was just happy, she has grown since I saw her last december. Now she laughs as if there is always a clown around and mind you she has her own world, she can basically be on her own without causing any hassle to the grown ups around. She simply is such an adorable little girl.

I really haven't written anything substantial in the last two paragraphs despite of really trying my best to think of some idea. Well maybe I'll start with the first thing that comes to mind.

Graduation. Alma Mater Song. Break

I promised that I will watch every PMA graduation I have a chance to watch. Last year's graduation was not so much on the graduating cadets but in what will happen once they graduate. When a PMA class graduates those below them is promoted to the next level and at that time last year, I became an upperclass -- finally after four long years (I should have graduated by the way if not for my crazy antics). But this year is different especially the graduates being the biggest class PMA has produced so far, plus of course being lead by a company mate. This year becomes more significant because it is also the graduation of a very good friend, one of those who dreamt with me not so long ago inside that room in ISAFP weeping as we sing the Alma Mater song in front of the television as the Graduation of the Class of 2002 sang it for the last time as cadets.

The day before, as the graduating cadets were given the traditional honor of being dunked at the sun dial, I saw him, now 2lt Tingson (I'd rather call him caloy). He was already wet, clad in shorts, a green shirt and in slippers. I asked where his parents were as I want to see his mother who was my mother's officemate a long time ago. As we were walking, I was holding his plaques, the awards that he received (he really did well after being discharged and that ISAFP room incident) I told him "Akalain mo grumaduate ka rin." It was a remark brought about by my happiness to the fact that the three of us who sang the Alma Mater song in that room sometime in March 2002 are all cadets. Although we aree not classmates anymore, with me now being the most junior, we have a bond that has been fortified by our experiences as discharged cadets dreaming to given another chance at pursuing our ambitions. In that room four years ago, a bond was made, a bond that I believed will last forever. Next year will be Tonnette's turn and then finally it will be me. Just imagine the turn of events, how we were so sad after being discharged. How we talked until the wee hours of the night about PMA longing for it. How in the end we eventually found ourselves inside PMA again as cadets happy and contented. It is in fact, a real life success story of three young dreamers, who dared to pursue the desires of their heart no matter the consequences. So, the graduation last 25 March for me is in fact the victory of dreams. It was a revelation of the awesome wonder of human life beginning with a dream and ending in a handshake from the president that marked its culmination. And so as I go down from Baguio yesterday heading home, I was contemplating on my next challenge as a second class cadet. I am a bit confused with what is about to happen in the succedding months but then I remembered, how life can just go to its proper place at the proper time, just as how it is now. Well that is simply human life. Congratulations to all graduates.

Loving...

Last night, as I was about to sleep, a friend sent me a frantic message about depression. It was one of those times that I was the only one who can comfort her and all I could do was text her. Our discussion came to the point that I have to discuss to her about my preception on love. She said that it was a feeling of some sort that one feels for another, she even used the term "may mga bagay na kinahuhumalingan" in referrence to the person. And so I told her my idea on the subject. That event plus another message from another person who was simply being crazy. Maybe out of her hatred for me, she has completely forgotten being rational and has not realized that she is in fact becoming funny. So I decided to write about my definition of love.

As I go on with my life, my ideas on these things have become more and more detailed. In each experience I am able to gain insights and thus more and more is added to my idealism. So in the concept of love I have come to the understanding that it is a gift from God and it is not something that is from us, it is within us but it is God who placed it and it is in His sole control. In fact, it is God in us. As a young Christian then who was very zealous to practice his new faith, I read and reread the Bible on what it say's about love, particularly the one written by the apostle Paul. It was a wonder that despite of reading it for so many times, I just can not see the point of the definition. Maybe it was because I was trying to equate it to something related to romance in the end I just can not understand it. As time passed I begin to experience God's goodness and that suddenly I just realized that in the general concept of that definition is simply the nature of God. I remembered how I adored my mother for being such a wonderful matriarch who was willing to give it all for her children, swallowing her pride and ignoring her feelings. I remember my Auntie Arlene, who despite of my being so stubborn has never ceased to care for me and has exhausted all effort see to it that I am well. I remember my Kuya, who after I spent a huge part of his hard earned money over some stupid thing, just remained a brother and saw it as an opportunity to teach me a lesson and make me appreciate family. I remember my Nanay Mediong, who in her capacity has become a mother to us despite of all the trouble I placed myself into even ignoring her own personal happiness. I can actually write so much about people that have showed me great love and in the end I realized that love is not just a feeling. Surely someone who treats somebody with leprosy does not feel good treating them(yuck!!!) but what makes them continue to do what they do is simply because of the love they have. Even in romance, I'm pretty sure that not all wives feel good about their husband who snores or maybe who has gained weight, but it is the love in them that sustains them despite of these seemingly unlovable circumstances. The bottom line is it is in fact something that is not of but rather beyond us, beyond we can even imagine. I remember this couple that I know from church. Her husband had all the vices in the world but out of her love, she continuoulsy prayed for her husband. She gave up a good paying job and did what she had to do for her husband. She was asking God to put love in her husband's heart. By some miracle, after two children, a marriage that was so bad for several years, love came into the heart of her husband. Now, they are as happy as ever, a family that I envy, The secret: it was God who came into the picture.

Now why do I say all these. I have observed that for most of us especially my generation, we have come to believe that our life here is based on what we feel. If it feels good it must be right. I wonder how right is my being a cadet when all I can think of is how tiring it is to endure just one day. I realized that it is never about us but it is always about God who gives us this wonderful gift. Our dreams are actually love that God placed in our hearts on something that we want to pursue. Our ability to be human is love that God placed for us to act human. Our ability to love another person is God's gift that draws us to another person. Yes, it is true, sometimes it is hard to distinguish these things but really love is God in action. The reason why love does not fail because it is how God works and surely God never fails. I'm challenging people who read this to open their Bibles and read the text in Corinthians 13 and reevaluate their concept on love.

My prayer is that we gain understanding in the real meaning of love so that we may be able to love as it was intended.

On Being a WORM

A friend (I do not know if she still is a friend) sent me a message earlier while I was in the bus from Baguio going to Manila. She said that she would like to believe that Miriam Defensor-Santiago was correct in calling the military worms. At first, I did not understand what she meant but then suddenly it dawned on me that she really was starting to hate me. She sent the message because she wanted to express hatred or maybe not. Of course, the remark was a result of some unreleased tension between the two of us over an unresolved conflict and that would be another story. But going back, I told her that I can not do anything to convince her otherwise I will just have to go on do what I think I should do as a soldier. As I was thinking comfortably seated in the bus, I thought she might just be right.

Considering the so many controversies regarding destabilization plots involving the members of the military, its not a wonder that some people like my friend, or my former friend, would believe remarks that they hear from everywhere. Perhaps the remark that she heard was something that she felt she can use as an attack against me. Honestly I do not blame her, but again I must say that inasmuch as my ways are not what people expect them to be, I haven't had the slightest intention of hurting anybody, I am just being sincere and honest. If you'd ask me, I owe that to the people that I consider friends. I wouldn't go around telling people things that I do not mean. Anyway, going back to that remark by that girl, I kind of started to think. I was thinking about the so many questions that I heard from people that I meet. I remember the time when I was in the bar of an uncle while on break in our province, one councilor asked me about the issues about coup'd'etat and destabilization. Of course, I was prepared to answer his queries, but I realized that in most instances we can not really answer such questions. I realized that while most of us live a different life inside the halls of Fort del Pilar, the rest of the world continuously form their opinions on us either because they hate one cadet, or they heard a remark from some politician, or they simply want to believe what they think; we can not do anything.

As a cadet, I have come to accept that sometimes our status as cadets deny us of certain rights that is enjoyed by a regular citizen of this state. While in Naga, one student asked me "what do you think is the state of Freedom of Expression in your school?" Considering that I was in civilian clothes she was unaware that I am a cadet. My reply was: "The moment I took my oath, I have given up my freedom of expressions." Perhaps given more opportunity, I can just say that to my friend who sent me that dreaded text message. I guess whatever her reasons are, she is actually free to think whatever she pleases. She can shout on the street and rant about the "wormity" of soldiers. She can write in her paper (she is the editor of her paper, by the way) regarding the cruelty, ignorance, conceit or of other bad traits that she happens to notice over one PMA cadet that she met and maybe she can convince her readers and later on they can start organizing some concerted campaign to call for the closure of the Philippine Military Academy for producing a bunch of conceited spoiled government brats who end up wanting to topple the government. Well, she can basically do what she wants just as anyone of you can do what you want, you can scream at the top of your voice and say "mga pu**ng i*a nyong lahat." For my part, despite of the so many things that are happening, even if I just hate it how some of my upperclass are just so irresponsible, I will keep silent. Maybe I can write some of it in this blog, but generally I'll keep my mouth shut. At night, I will include all of my feelings in my prayer asking God to give me the peace of mind not to be affected by what is happening. I will continue to do what I have to do, study hard, march around when told, run 5.5 kilometers to mantain my physique, write my articles for the Corps Magazine, iron my uniforms, shine my shoes, listen to my instructors, take care of my underclass and then hope to graduate. Once I graduate, I will move on to bigger responsibilities, maybe attack some NPA camp, capture a certain rebel leader, rescue a kidnapped VIP, reinforce a friendly unit undersiege and maybe, god forbid, die while doing all this responsibilities. When that happens, my friend may still continue telling everyone that soldiers are worms. I will be given a one minute prayer by the cadets before they eat their lunch, 21 bullets will be fired in my funeral, my family grieves and then my friend and all the others will continue to say that we are a bunch of worms. Well, in a few months after that I just might turn into a worm, but not after I fought and died for this country. Maybe she'll become successful, be an important person, I'll end up a worm and she'll tell the rest of the world that I am a worm. Well, you do the logic, at the end of it all she is right, I'll end up a worm. After all that has happened, she is right. But then I have to say that she will also end up a worm. After telling everyone that soldiers are a bunch of worms, she will end up as a worm also. As for me, after training hard in PMA, fight the enemies of this country, leave my family behind worried for my life, remained silent about remarks of people like her, we will be together in one community of worms. Well, just spot the difference.... I'm hoping she reads this... I really just hope. Sana maisip nya na kahit hindi ako nagsasalita, masakit na ganun kababaw sya mag-isip so what kung may kasalanan ako sa kanya sana nagalit na lang sya sa akin pinapatay nya ako or something rather than tell me right to my face na walang kwenta ang pagiging sundalo ko, walang kwenta lahat ng ginagawa kong sakripisyo at walang kwenta lahat ng kahibangan ko bilang isang hamak na kadete ng Philippine Military Academy, maawa ka naman kahit konti lang. Please...

The PMAer

Last 18 February was the Alumni Homecoming. After a series of hectic preparations on our part tidying up everything, fixing our things for open house, the cavaliers swarmed Fort del Pilar with faces gleaming with excitement like a young boy who was given his first bike. Young and old alike, they proudly wear their bull rings on their fingers, its imposing size somehow illustrates the very importance of the ring. For us, it was an instance of curiousity and astonishment to the many individuals that have come before us. Others that you saw in TV; the former Chief of Staffs, the Generals, the Senators and other prominent members of society are just there enjoying the cool Baguio breeze with nostalgia painted all over their face clearly reminiscent of their good old days as men wearing the sacred full dress uniform.

As a classmate stood in attention in his full dress white uniform holding a flag of some old PMA class, a huge man taps him on the back.

"My last name?"

"I will find out sir," came the quick reply of my classmate.

"Dahil hindi mo ako kilala, mag one-leg up ka"

In an instant, even when sleep was barely 3 hours the night before, one foot ascends from its place in the field. The foot is raised for a couple of minutes until finally,

"Tsun" came another order of the still unidentified cavalier.

In a short while, he feels that the man is leaning against him. He still remains in attention but tries hard to keep his balance exerting all effort not to fall as the weight of the man behind him pushes him forward. A few more moments, the cavalier who ordered "one leg up" and is now leaning against him, raises his hand and waves to the crowd as he is acknowledged as Senator Rodolfo Biazon.

The Alumni Homecoming is an annual gathering of all PMA classes. For the cadets, it is the second busiest activity, second only to graduation week. One wonders why every year, each PMAer will trek going up to Baguio City just to attend this gathering. I, too, wonder. Why is it that the likes of Senator Biazon, whom people see in TV delivering speeches in the Senate, giving interviews on issues and others, go back to PMA every February and find joy in ordering one clueless cadet to raise one leg and then have his huge frame be carried as he leans at the back of the cadet. Others find great pleasure when their company song is sung, or when an old classmate tells the story of the day they fought over a piece of bukayo or when the time he was made to run around the parade grounds for an infinite number of times. It is an interesting phenomenon, a social occurence that some people may not understand. When this men troop the line of the cadets , each of them is suddenly filled with youthfulness marching in cadence with the base drum and beaming with pride. And as the Alma Mater song is sung, everyone stands in attention, they stop everything that they do and then the atmosphere becomes so solemn juving with the song that each PMAer treasure in his heart. After the parade, everyone goes home and everything becomes normal again. Our classes resume and life in PMA becomes the usual.

In reality though, every PMAer leaves Fort del Pilar invigorated with a replenished sense of idealism and commitment. Even as I look at their faces, I could see how much time has taken its toll. Their hairs begin to fade, wrinkles appear from everywhere. Their former muscular bodies have been replaced with big beer bellies and all is left are just fond memories of cadetship and that ring that they wear in their finger. Yet in their hearts, remains the imposing ideals of this noble institution. Within them is a renewed sense of Courage, Integrity and Loyalty. Anyone who has gone through plebehood is never the same person and maybe that is what it is all about. The Philippine Military Academy has given them a deep sense of purpose to be part of something that is great to this country. Within the very walls of this insitution, they have become men. And so they go back each year reliving their experience that made them who they are now, men of Courage, Integrity and Loyalty. They go back to their own lives doing what they do best, as PMAers, as servants of the motherland.

Dreaming on

Earlier this morning, I started wrtining in my old notebook. It was the same notebook that I write to when there was no blog around. It was the same notebook that I wrote the characteristics of the woman I am praying for. So I started to write, I thought of a place that I saw a very long time ago. It was at the top of a hill in San Carlos City, Negros Occidental. It was overlooking the sea that separates Negros and Cebu (I think it's Tanon Strait). In that wide expanse of water one could see the Refugio Island, popularly called by the people from San Carlos Sipaway Island, and then nothing but see until you reach Toledo City. I saw that sight just when the sun was about to set. It overlooked the sleepy city of San Carlos. You can see the Church, the plaza and of course the now closed azucarera on which the city became popular. The cemetery is also not far off, it is there that my Lola was buried, a second cousin, and some other relatives that I do not remember anymore. When I came to that place around 4 or 5 years ago, I was in love with it scenic beauty, the orange shade that the setting sun produced was just painting the place with glowing sunlight. In all the serenity and calmness of such place, I just felt contented; I was happy.

And then how could one forget the view from Makati's Cafe Lupe, the table at the very top just before reaching the grotto of our Lady of Guadalupe. It was a restaurant beneath the big billboards that trooped the right side of Edsa just before you reach Guadalupe if you are coming from Quezon City. The first time I was there, I was with my brother, we went there because his classmate was working there and he invited us. The chef then of the restaurant became our friend and I just fell in love with the place. It was a serene place that is located at the heart of the city. There was just this sense of peace when I went there. In that place I could feel an energy that revitalizes me, it was just a wonderful place.

In all of these places there was one thing that I realized. That was my exact feeling as I started to write in my old notebook, trying to dwell on the wonderful felling I had when I came to these places. The main character in my story was standing by a tree, captivated by the sight he saw at sunset. His wife came from the back, he then gazed at her gave her a kiss on the forehead, placed her in his arms and then time just stood still. As I write this entry, I am still dreaming, dreaming when time will stop as I am captivated by the beauty that abounds these places that have come to etch itself deep into my soul. I am dreaming of holding that someone in my arms and just be grateful. Well, I am dreaming on, I am dreaming because my sould is somewhat in pain with all the things that are happening. The dreams that I have are just longings that I vowed to pursue when the time comes. I am dreaming on because I know that as I dream about all these things, I am getting a glimpse of the wonderful that is in store for me. I am grateful for this dreams and I can't wait for it to be fulfilled.