A New Year thought

Tonight, I will be going back to Baguio ending my Christmas Break. By Wednesdsay, I will be back in my cadet uniforms and life will go back to normal again waiting for the next break come graduation week. Life does fly so fast and in my state of nostalgia right now, all I can do is to be reminiscent of the things and somehow try to assess what has happened to me as a person in the past year or years if possible.

My vacation this Christmas was filled with meeting people and talking about topics that I like to talk about the most. For most of these people that I had so much fun chatting with, they were those who got curious about my personality thinking that mine is a contradiction to the expected behaviour of a typical cadet. That could be a good thing because it allowed me to enjoy free dinner and free coffee, on top of that I get to have a glimpse of the differences in people's personality. I am able to learn more about people and help me improve in understanding them. I discovered that people can teach us so many things it is just a matter of being sensitive and observant. I also learned that to be really honest will entail some kind of risk on being liked but in the end those that will remain your friends are definitely the ones who has accepted you for who you really are.

My life also has took a sudden turn in the love arena. The other day, while travelling from Novaliches going to Makati, Daddy asked me about this topic. Not that he was preying on my affairs, it was a natural question since unlike most of my other siblings, I have not been introducing to them or telling them about the romantic interests of my life. I can just laugh at my father, but I know that he was concerned, not that it was something to be concerned about, he was really just feeling that he's getting old and would love to see us well taken cared of. And so in most of the time that I was by myself or while I hate the fact that Clark Kent can not trust Lana Lang that she will accept him (I did a marathon of the Smallville Series), thoughts of my status in that area wallows inside my head while I try my best not to entertain the thought much. Well, something is happening and I completely have no idea how its going to be. I guess to really give it entails that I have to feel the sense of uncertainty and every time I have time for myself that uncertainty lingers in my head.

You see, its really not that easy to be so ideal about this love thing. Some people have said that I can be so good at rationalizing the whole romance thing but I have to admit that its far from practicing it. I always claim that when I start to feel something, my reason is clouded and just like all human beings I go on auto mode. About a few days after I went back from Lipa, a thought haunted me. I came home sometime before midnight and was not able to sleep until early in the morning. The thought was about really loving unconditionally. For some reason, I kind of felt that to love is to love unconditionally and that to be reciprocated for it is a Grace from God. I felt that if I was to become very cautious, I do not allow God to work on this area of my life. And so I decided to say my feelings all out. It wasn't some fancy plan, I just want to tell her how it really is. Now, I wonder how its going to be. Although I pray to God that what I want will happen, I still accept that it will never be in my terms. Maybe in time I'll be more comfortable with that reality.

And so a new year begins. I am beginning to feel the change in me through the years. Life is becoming more and more daunting as it reveal its more serious aspect each day. The childish things that I use to dwell so much before is leaving me and I could see how the change is making me a totally different person. But then again, I am confident that life will be according to a plan that has a deep sense of purpose to make me a better person. I am embracing the future, remembering the past, guided by its lessons and looking forward to the unknown that lies ahead. The adventure is getting better and better.... Happy New year everyone!!!

The thing that changed

It is hard when there are just so many thoughts inside your head. The moment this window appeared, all of those ideas seems to race out of my head all wanting a piece of the space intended for this blog entry. Something has happened inside me and I am just about to describe it.

A person that I truly care about has always commented in my being spontaneous. I have always believed that following my heart was the way to do things even if I do not understand why I do it. Last December 23, while I was sharing pizza and some pasta with a very good friend, we were talking about whether or not I was in love. Yes, the love topic is back in my system. She was telling me that if I really wasn't in love, why is it that I am devoting so much time and effort into making this lady feel that she is special. She further asked me why is it that I do not do it to others, even to her although we are the best of friends. I also wondered and my reply was that I was being spontaneous. I reasoned that to be in love with a person that I barely know (I am admitting that I barely know her considering that we haven't really spent that much time together) is an idea that even I do not believe to be possible. I would like to think that I am doing what I do because that is what my heart tells me to do and my soul just feels so good doing it to her, if that is how being in love is then it might be. The discussion did not have a definite conclusion. Instead, I spent the next days thinking and evaluating my feelings.

I remember the time when I started seeing her differently. It was early in the morning while the rest of the world was in slumber. As the sun crept inside the room we were all resting, it was as if there was some kind of a spotlight pointed at this sleeping beauty. I resolved that it was God showing me something and she was the object of that something. From that day, I wanted to find out that something. Well, PMA does not really allow that to be an easy possibility. But then there was something that I felt I needed to do and I decided to do it even if I was in PMA and she was some place else. For some reason, there is some sort of unlimited energy that allowed me to do write her a letter week after week. Although there were times that I felt I was not going to keep on doing it, I did and the weeks became months and now it will be a year. I still do not have the slightest idea what is it that I have to find out. I am taking a chance without really directing what is it that I want to happen. I am waiting for another whisper, another sign that I do not know will come. I am living life, and enjoying it as I try to figure out what is it that I have to learn in this great adventure where this girl is a major character.

Now I am in some place and I just saw her earlier today. Nothing special really but it was to go down as a very important memory in my life. There were no sweet nothings nor romantic moments. It wasn't like those that we see in movies and there was definitely no Judy Ann Santos or Ryan Agoncillo among us. Although there were few stolen glances from me into her eyes, I still wondered if the eyes that I saw evoked some kind of message that I have to understand. Life went on when we parted ways. The thought still lingers inside my head and some of it have found themselves in this blog. I figured that life will still be the same after, even when I go back to PMA and resume my weekly letters. But as I said something did change and it happened as we were standing in front of candles that I did not know the reason why it has to be lighted. On her back as she was saying her prayers, I took the longest glance I could remember. It maybe because of the ambiance in that church or any other reason that I will never understand. As I was looking at her, there was a familiar feeling, it was the same as that when that spotlight appeared while she was sleeping more than a year ago. This time, it wasn't something that I did not know. It was something that I wished would last forever. Then I said my own prayers, and I said:

"Lord, I do not understand why all the candles are here, or what all the things around here had to do with faith. I am very sure of my faith and I do not see anything wrong with those who practice their faith differently from me. In the same way that You know how my faith is, I would like to think that You also know how I feel for this young lady in front of me and just as what I always do when it seems that I am so sure of my feelings, I give it up and allow You to do what You have to do."

Before she turned her back to look at me, I was already able to wipe a drop of tear that I was trying to stop while I was saying my prayers. I hope she did not notice.

A Christmas thought

Last night, while waiting for Christmas Day, I was composing a text message for someone. It wasn't the ordinary Christmas greeting that we forward to all the people we know. I was making something unique that I willl only send to someone special. I do not remember the exact words but it was about how the Holiday Season's can allow us to think about the many things in our life and realize how wonderful it has been. More than than, the season allows us to identify why our life is wonderful.

That was how I felt last night, while I was watching Smallville waiting for midnight. Our Noche Buena is not that grand, we had spaghetti, liempo and then Buko Salad. That was how it has always been. There was never really a time that I remembered that we prepared that much for our Christmas feast. In the previous years, there were serious problems, but then we have come to this point. In some way, I could say that we are better than others... we had spaghetti and liempo and our salad was not some ordinary salad, there was Ice cream mixed to it. I remember the time when all we had then was a bucket of KFC, it was fun.

I really do not know how to describe it but there is some thought that might just make my point. A cousin spent Christmas with us last night. I have not seen her for very long and we had so much things to tell each other. While walking around our village she noticed how the houses around us are so much different. Even I was surprised because it seemed that it was only our house that never went through renovation through the years. My younger brother had a witty reply:

"Kami kasi walang magulang. Kung may magulang kami ngayon wala ng pinag-aaral mga magulang namin kaya ang gagawin na lang nila magpaganda ng bahay. Yung mga kapitbahay namin mga magulang yan na walang magawa sa pera nila kaya pinaganda nila ang bahay nila"

It dawned to me that although our life has not been that good compared to our neighbors. Eventhough our house is already starting to show signs of old age, inside it live three young men who are somewhat survivors in their own right, overcoming all odds and still surviving despite of all the troubles in life. I could say that we are better off that others, we have survived through the years completely on our own and by the grace of God we are good people.

I guess Christmas is not really about all the lavish preparations and big gifts, I think its a time to be thankful that life is still moving forward and that God is still in control in our lives. I have come to realize that the wonderful thing in my life is the fact that it still endures everything that comes with and still continues to look forward to the unknown future full of hope and determination to overcome every test that it has to offer.

Christmas Greeting

Its almost Christmas and I'm home.

Wala lang masaya, I do not have the sanity to write something good. I am just happy that I am home for Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone....

On the Military Organization

In the latest issue of the Corps Magazine, an officer wrote an article entitled "The Relativity of being snappy." It was an article marked by an officer's obvious concern over the restlessness of many cadets regarding the many changes and the criticism that they are contended with. It did not only was very logical but it was something that most of us, the cadets. have not seen. We failed to see that there are also others who find certain realities in the Military culture absurd.

I say this because I have always encountered not so good comments about writing things in this blog. Not that I am not able to handle it but because I pity those who fail to see that there is really no contradiction between being a soldier, having a point of view and expressing these views. It is true that our military organization is very rigid, traditional and sometimes harsh. This is the way it has been since time in memorial and to a certain extent, this has also caused some of the lapses in the organization.

In the article that I was talking about, the officer specified about this prevailing belief that those who have come ahead are in a way "more snappy." It seems that they are always right, their ideas are better and in case of any conflict between another, it is the seniority that decides. I believe this is true because in our military culture, the subordinate does not question, he simply follows. This may be beneficial especially in situations that need immediate action, but in the long run the same culture is the very disease that undermines the organization.

The military organization is made up of unique individuals with their own sets of attributes that can be used for the organization. Each one has a role to play to the accomplishment of a task at hand. The thing with the seniority is that, to a certain extent, ideas are not that much evaluated for the simple reason that the organization does not appreciate soldiers who have their view on things. Take the example of the recent comment in this blog saying that I was being very "civies." He was saying that because he has a made up idea on how is it to become a cadet. He has drawn the line on the distinction between the cadet and the civilian. I now wonder, who made this definition? Of course, that comment will just be immortalized and I will not even dare to confront the one who made it for the simple reason that it might come from someone who is my senior. But I will write about it in this blog and hope that the person reads it. Who was it that decided how I should act? Why is it that there is no written directive that I have encountered that specifically defines that I should be like this and like that? Again, it boils down to seniority, its just that he's more senior than I am... end of discussion... I lost.

Now going back to that article, it concluded in saying that by boosting the self esteem of the cadets to be confident in their decision making and going about what they are supposed to do actually strengthens the organization. Instead of the comparing and insist that I undergo the same experience that they went through in the days when having a computer was for the rich people and that cellphones were a status symbol, I would like to think that being overly critical is not contributing anything to me or to how I perform as a soldier. I would like to make the assurance that I am doing the best of what I know I should do in my capacity as a cadet and as a soldier of the people. We may not exactly agree on how I do it but this is my own experience and I am entitled to it.