Heaven Sent

Forgive me for being out for so long and then being all of a sudden very romantic. But I guess periods come and the way my feelings are right now, I guess this is just inevitable.

With so many things going on right now inside the Academy (the 9th NDC and then Recognition for Class 2011) it is a surprise that romantic thoughts are the things that actually occupy my head the past days. I thought it was nothing but people seemed to notice. As of a few minutes ago from yesterday, I counted around ten times when people that I know actually go to me and ask me what's bothering me. It's obvious that there really is something that troubles me even to the people around me. And so I am confronting it.

The past month has been a blur on the things that I do for romance (or not). Its not like I really have a lot going on in this area but for the first time that I wore a cadet uniform, this area has become a major concern. Maybe it's because I am graduating in less than six months time and the next question that people ask me are all related to romance and, of course, marriage. From the little discussion that I have to major confrontations, it seems that the issue just keeps on bugging me. So this is a summary of my romantic episode.

I had a bad last relationship. It was bad because it came to a point that up to this day, I do not wish to communicate with that girl because of fear that everything will go back. A few days ago, she sent me a friendster message, trying to be friendly and all but I just ignored it. That is precisely the reason why in the succeeding years, I was just careful but hopeful. I ignored deliberate attempts by concerned people to hook me up with women on the premise that true love will find its way to me in God's time. There were several instances that I hated not taking so many chances in these area, but remained steadfast on the believe that good things are in store for me as God prepares me to be ready for that time to come. There have been several times when I find myself dreaming about a faceless bride but knew that when that bride finally will reveal her face, I would be happy. I know she will be from God.

That is the reason that when in my thirdclass year (that's second year of cadetship), I listened intently to a sign that I saw. People may think that I was imagining it or was simply trying to put some magic on my romantic encounters but deep in my heart I know there was something in that encounter. As I looked at her with the sun shining on her as she was asleep, it was as if my heart melted and I can not help it but cry. I knew that God was speaking to me, but I did not know what He's telling me. Coming back to Baguio a few days after that the thought never left me and found myself wanting to understand the feeling that I had as I was looking at her but did not know what to do since I was in Baguio and she was somewhere else... and we did not know each other. Later,I decided to act on it.

In the next one and a half year, I wrote her a letter a week (well at least I tried maybe missing not more than 10 letters). I told her stories about my life, about the things that I do in PMA, about my feelings on certain things about just about anything. I reasoned that if I made the effort to reach out, I am giving God the opportunity to do His thing and reveal what He was telling me in that fateful day. The catch is, she never wrote back only text messages, that said thank you or something like that. My classmates told me that I was being desperate. Somehow I could sense the truth in what they were saying but deep in my heart, I knew that I was following my heart. The one and a half year of writing those letters allowed me to examine my capacity to love people. The experience made me realize that love overflows in a person as long as he chooses to just love. I am a more loving person now because of writing her.

Well, people will ask why I stopped after one and a half year. The answer is that because my heart tells me that I should. As I told her in that last letter, I felt that I was being bad by continuing to write just because I was trying to make good with a promise that I will write her that often. I felt that I was betraying the message that I want her to understand because I was trying to be true to my words.

I kept with me all of the letters that I was not able to send (There were times that the letters that I wrote felt unfit for sending so I just kept it, I told her I will give it to her in the proper time). I also kept a bunch of the receipts that I got when sending those letters. More than those, I kept in my heart a memory of a beautiful lady that was to define the kind of loving person I am now or maybe the kind of loving person that I will be for the rest of my life.

Yesterday, I saw a piece of paper that was to canvass among the graduating cadets the words that they wished to be engraved on their mini-rings (the ring is a replica of the bull ring and has become some kind of a symbol of love given to a PMAers partner). Most of my classmates wrote their last names with the MRS. before it. Well that was safe since their mothers are MRS *family name*. But for me whose mother has already died, my MRS will definitely be my wife and I do not wish to preempt it. I spent the night thinking what I will write. I felt it has to reflect the kind of love that I wish to offer to that girl. I felt that although she is still the faceless bride in my dreams, she has to know that the ring was really hers in the first place. As I was writing this piece and having the chance to remember everything that I have been through in my romantic journey, I finally decided what to write.

Heaven Sent.

Update

It has been a while since I blogged. The days where just so busy that everytime I sit in front of the computer, I do not wish to think anymore. That is the reason why I am not able to compose any new blogs. But anyway, this afternoon, I had lunch with the members of the Veteran's Federation of the Philippines which visit the Academy annually. These are my thoughts during the lunch.


It is not the first time that I saw them entered the mess hall, but there was something different I observed as they started picking which seat to occupy. I saw their bull rings. Well some of these war veterans are actually graduates of my Academy and I just can't help but feel a sense of pride that in some aspect these brave old people and I belong to the same circle.

Yesterday, I was discussing with some of my instructors during a much anticipated free time preparing for the 9th National Debate Championship which we will be hosting starting tommorrow. I told them about how I feared being in my first real firefight, with me leading a platoon and soldiers (more battle seasoned than me) looking at me asking me for instructions in what we are going to do. Although the conversation was a bit funny, I kind of felt that my fears were creeping into my system.

Here's an update in my pull up problem. This morning I made four good pull ups and that people are actually noticing that I have become thinner. Well, I guess I still have a lot of work to do, but at least I have improved. I guess that's it for now, and by the way tomorrow's my birthday.

I love you people

Songs that touch the soul

I was watching the preliminaries of the Pacquiao-Barrera early today when during the singing of our National Anthem I just can't help but feel a deep sense of pride as Kyla sang it. I realized how songs can have some sort of effect on me as a person.

Honestly, I am a person who loves to sing. As a young boy, I would gaze at music sheets and try to sing them even though I do not know how to read notes. I joined choirs and other singing stints in school just to be able to do what I love doing. I remember that one of the first movies that I cried on was when Fievel and his sister was singing Somewhere out there in An American Tail. I knew at that time that singing or music had something to do with my emotional mechanism. In my brother's first birthday in the early 90's, I sang the same song with a sister. It wasn't that grand but it was the beginning of several opportunities that I will have singing to people in some family gathering.

Well, me and my dad's favorites are of course the novelty songs of Yoyoy Villame, which we usually sing in duet especially during parties with his subordinates. In one rare occassion just this year, I found myself singing Magellan (its the song about the story of how the Philippines was discovered by Magellan) in front of no less than the then Inspector General of the AFP and the then Commandant of Cadets (they are generals by the way). In high school, I use to cry as I sing songs to myself when I miss my mother. I could remember singing Alamid's Your love to myself at a time when I missed my mother terribly. I feel the music when I watch movies and become so engrossed with how the melody and the lyrics immerse me with such wonderful emotions. I think music has a way to communicate to my soul.

This afternoon, as Kyla was belting out our national anthem, I felt a sense of pride. I do not know how these feelings are but I knew that as she was singing, I was so proud to be a Filipino. The feeling was reminiscent of the time when I sang the PMA Alma Mater Song in civilian clothes as I dreamed of going back saying to myself that I just might not sing that song again wearing the cadet uniform. Well, 2 years after, I had the feeling of relief and deep sense of pride as I sang the same song already wearing my cadet uniform.

Maybe I am just being too sentimental but I guess the more my emotions are stirred by these songs, the more I understand the deeper reasons of the things that I value. I could say now that the feeling was brought about by a sense of national pride brought about by a Filipino who is a world-class boxer. Somehow, I feel that if only we are able to find that emotion in each of us we will be able to understand these events not as mere boxing matches but rather part of the reawakening of our pride as Filipinos enough for us to be motivated to help this country move forward.

Well in the end, Pacquiao won, but more than that, I think we should understand the deeper meaning of the things that we value and realize that there is more to it that what is obvious...

Has love become a fearful thing?

What is it really with women? It has been long since I wrote something that has to do with people from the opposite sex but today, I just have to vent it out.

I have developed this habit of really scrutinizing every detail of people I meet especially the women. A few months ago, I received this letter from an unknown lady. It was a card that said that she saw my name and address at a 20 peso bill and wondered if the person was true. I thought that it was funny but did not do anything about it. A few days after, I gave the number that she wrote on the card to a classmate, I think they are text mates now.

And then there are of course my circle of friends that I meet every now and then. Well, I do meet a lot of people but seldom do I make it a point to really be friends with them. The reason is that I just feel bad knowing that I will have to stay inside these camp and will never enjoy their company. Such was the case of this young lady I met. She wasn't an exception to that rule but for some reason, I found myself becoming really friends with her. Not that there is more to it its just that when I do become friends with people, I become so engrossed and really make it a point that I appreciate the people that they are in my life. I do not believe in love (as in romantic) coming out of nowhere and do not think that by showing affection to people it simply means that you are romantically interested with them. The thing is "assuming naman sya" I should have known better.

I had this debate with a friend a few years back. Also one of the closest I have, she said that sometimes because of the way I do things and my obvious affinity to those of the female gender, they think that when I begin to open up and really make them feel that I appreciate them they feel like I am going to court them (excuse me!!!). Do I just stop showing affection to people altogether for fear of their assumptions or do I continue to do what I do?

I am confused really, how come some people are just afraid of affection? How come they refuse to believe on the good thing of people telling them that they like the kind of person that they are... What is happening to this world? Has love become a fearful thing?

Pulling it up

I realized that the best way to deal with my struggles is to face it head on and I am doing it just now.

PMA as most people already know is not an ordinary educational institution. Although it pride itself with having an excellent academic curriculum, one does not graduate by merely being academically brilliant. There are four actualy: academics, character, military and physical. These four are all important aspects of cadet training which all of us must pass. On this four I struggle with the last.

Not that I am physically weak, its just that I have trouble doing one of the events in our regular Physical Fitness Test; the Pull-ups. According to some of the research I have done, the pull up is the ultimate exercise to test a person's weight to strength ratio. It is also the best exercise for the back. Obviously, my deficiency is on that aspect. When the semester begun this year, we were told that there will be a change in the way the Physical Fitness Test will be performed. They imposed stricter standards and that is where I find myself in trouble. In the previous years, I was used to doing this jerking motion to be able to do the exercise, this year though the jerking is no longer allowed. I find myself not being able to do even one against the required nine for me to pass. Not passing it means not being able to graduate in March. There goes my trouble.

I am writing this now not because I am asking for some mercy but because i want to face my fear. My fear is to accept that I am weak on this aspect and that I need help. Being in my position, with many other cadets looking up to as their leader, it is not easy to accept ones weakness. Every now and then when I go about doing my duty, I ask myself whether or not I have the right to lead people when I can not even do one exercise that most of those under me can do perfectly well. This has taken its toll with my not wanting to ask for help thus this honest revelation hoping to be comfortable with the idea that I need help and I need it badly. It took a while for me to do the exercise in the presence of other cadets out of simple embarrassment. I really have to swallow my pride now.

Last night, I was in a meeting with my other classmates. The agenda was simple: Me and how to pass my PFT. Although I did not show it to my classmates, it was one of the first signs of hope I had in the many months that I struggled dealing with this problem all by myself. More than just my own problem, it became clear that it was also my classmates problem. As we say here, "A mistah is thicker than blood." After last night I knew that those bunch of people will do whatever it takes to see to it that I will be stronger and be triumphant over my struggle.

Today I made a vow to myself (and to the others who are supporting me), I am giving myself up to October 20. That's almost a month. My birthday is the day after that and my birthday present is me being able to pass my PFT. I am having a rough start but then I know it can be done.

Yesterday, I was reading a story about a South African Doctor by the name of Dr. Richard Mayoyo. He was a neurosurgeon who was accidentaly shot on the head causing his paralysis. He wanted so badly to go back to being a neurosurgeon, something that was impossible because of how intricate it is to operate on a person's brain and him being paralyzed. To make the long story short he did came back to becoming a neurosurgeon. Some say it was a miracle, but reading it I say it was the triumph of the human spirit. The triumph of Dr Mayoyo's spirit and all the others who did not give up on him.

I am beginning my own journey into the triumph of my own spirit. Just as how this blog has been a witness to many of my struggles as a cadet and how I managed to deal with all of it, this blog will be a witness to that. I am hoping that those who will read this blog will pray for my struggle. I will pull my spirit up and in the process become a better person... God Bless me