Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Conquering loneliness

I do not know if the title is apt for this entry. When the window appeared on the screen the title just popped out of my mind and there it is. Maybe its some topic that I have been dwelling on subconsciously so since its already there I might as well start this entry with my title. Okay, loneliness, well I think lonely is a word to describe my classmates who failed in the first wave of lesson exams we have today. In my Psychology class this morning more than half of my section failed, which simply means that more than half of my section can not go on privilege this weekend if ever they want to, of course it was good that I passed that exam thanks to sitting in front of the teacher so even my eyes just wanted to close, the fact that the teacher was right in front of me surely helped me not to give in to my "physical desires". Now I know why loneliness, I realized that in the past days, I have been sitting in front of the computer inside my room trying to make out something with my sensibility worthy enough to be given a space in the next issue of the Corps Magazine. I reason that it might be because of loneliness. Here's the scenario, I begin to write from my mind, almost spontaneously, just typing and typing and really I do think that what is actually unfolding on my screen is making sense then suddenly there's nothing. I mean suddenly the sense that I was typing about goes to a dead end and my mind goes blank... as in blank. Right now as I type this words, I kind of make sense but then in a little while I just might go blank. Of course in this blog, I could practically write without really making sense, but that will not be possible when writing for the Corps Magazine. Early on I kind of had an outline on topics that I will write for the Incorporation Issue. There is this critique about the Da Vinci Code, then there is this short story and some opinion about followership and so many other ideas but my mind just hangs and suddenly the words are gone and although I have a very clear picture of what I want to write about, I just go blank. I reasoned that this might just be because of loneliness. Mind you, I do enjoy being here, in fact I wouldn't replace my stay here in the Academy for anything in the world, except if they will have me graduate sooner :) But really, even if I see this institution as the fulfillment of my dream, I feel that something is just amiss. I remembered in one of my conversations with Hiyas, we were talking about the lacking ingredient in our lives. We resolved that I came to a point that there is already direction on my life and so I tend to find the missing parts. I do not want to expound in this but really what is the next thing that would complete me now that I am living my dream? And being in this place where socialization with people is not that available, I tend to dwell in the loneliness of not having enough people to be with, of course I do love my classmates, but then there is just something that is amiss and to be really honest that is what I miss about being a "carefree civilian" But then again, maybe something will solve this. For now I try to live each day hopefully I will be able to study still and hope not to be deficient in any of my subjects especially Calculus.

  • I will be going on Informal leave (hopefully since the communications is still to be approved by the Commandant of Cadets) basta sana I'll have the time of my life in that short break
  • I got a 9.0 in my Lesson Exam in Psychology earlier today, its quite good since most of my classmates failed that exam.
  • I think my answers were correct in my lesson exam in Calculus today, sana lang talaga kahit 8.0 lang

So that's all for now, mga friends ko sana itext nyo ako pag nagparamdam ako ng open call, especiially during weekdays. Mind you pag gabi 30 minutes lang yung open call so 30 minutes lang rin akong magtetext so sana lang pagtyagaan nyo ako in that 30 minutes....... Please

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