Monday, December 05, 2005

Change of heart

Change of heart.
That is how all love stories happen. Even in the world of fairy tales, the happily ever after always comes after a change of heart and the once upon a time is always a beginning of a change of heart. In any given day, each person goes about what they have to do, try to be what they should be and as they sleep they are contented ready for the next day, the next usual day. But there comes a time when suddenly we do not feel that it was a usual day, suddenly we have this premonition that something great took place or that something just change, something from the heart.
In one regular day, I woke up excited of new opportunities that are ahead of me. After series of preparations, finally I’m set to do what I have to do. So many people were expecting too much and as for me, I just wanted to go away from the life that I have become bored of. The day was normal. The place was perfect. From across the lake lay a majestic place. A place that was definitely a getaway from everything, for me it was a getaway to reality.
My life is lonely. I say this now because although I know very well that I am where I should be, I feel lonely about it. Sometimes when the skies are clear at night, I walk under the stars, thinking if I could continue being like this. I think about things that I miss, I think about loneliness. I think about life. I think about so many things, so many things that are out of my reach. Nowadays, I think more about romance. In the past days and months, I have missed being in love, being romantically in love. It’s not as if it something that has made me lesser of a person. In fact, my life goes on as if nothing really has changed in me. But each day, as I go on with my life, I find myself looking across oblivion, my mind wandering, my heart beating. I just realized that I want to fall in love, the question is with whom.
On that regular day I was talking about, I had this some kind of a vision. I felt that I was doing something for some reason, I felt more than anything that something was in store for me and just everything was just in its proper place. Several years ago I had the same feeling. My dreams are so out of reach, all I had was the will to pursue it. But despite being in that situation, I know that something was in store for me. I knew that what lies for me in the uncertain future is something that is wonderful. I know that I will get my dream. And so on that fateful day, I felt fate was unfolding right before my eyes. It was indeed fate.
One time I asked my classmate. Do you really think that what we are doing right now is the thing that we should do? Do you see yourself as someone who is just at the place where you are supposed to? Do you believe that all of these are what your life should be? The answers to all questions were on the affirmative. That will also be my answer if in case at that moment; I was asked all three questions. But then I did not know what all the feelings I had was about, all I knew was I was were I was supposed to.
The feeling did not change that much but on the second day I began to understand what my feeling was about. Early that morning, I woke up from my slumber. It must have been my body clock because I realized that everyone was still very much asleep and the time was still very early. Although I was a little tired from the previous night, all my senses were already active and I could hear the breathing of the sleeping people around me. I started to rise from the bed, went outside and looked at the horizon, it was a beautiful day and it wasn’t raining like the night before. When I went back inside the room I saw her, she was a beauty. You see, its not as if I did not notice it before. Everyone would agree with me that indeed she had the most beautiful face in that part of the world at that time. But on that moment as I entered the room, there was this radiance that I never saw before. As I continue to look at her, studying every detail that was visible from that distance and my failing eyesight, I realized that what was happening was divine. It was that feeling when a person realizes that he is a witness to something that is an act of God. Nobody knew, even I was confused.
These past days, I started to hate the way my life is organized. I like meeting people, sharing my life with them, but with my life now, that is simply impossible. Everyday, my home is packed with people from all parts of the world, from all walks of life. People come take pictures of them. Sometimes I wonder what the goal of everything that they are doing. The set-up of my life denies me of the possibility of meeting people beyond what is superficial. I meet people, enjoy my time with them, we depart from each other’s company and we depart from each other forever. After that meeting, it stops there and I will never be able to understand the purpose of that meeting in the first place. Isn’t life supposed to be shared with people?
After that magical moment, I tried to deny the feeling. I mean if this was to be another of those instances when after everything it stops there, I’d rather not try to understand the feeling. But little by little it begins to take shape by itself. As if it is how things should be, I begin to realize that this is something that I can not allow to stop. The dreamer that I am just can not give up, especially when the things that have occurred just change me. It was in short a change of heart. I can not fully comprehend it, but what I do know is that this is the beginning of something wonderful. Just like my feeling before, I just know.
A change of heart is how everything begins and for me now that change of heart is what propels me to start dreaming and to continue being a dreamer. This is not some foreign place, I’ve been here and just like before, believing in dreams is never wrong. When the heart starts to initiate something, there must be a valid reason. Perhaps our understanding is limited, perhaps its just how it should be, but in the vastness of reality, in a world that has come to believe that everything can be understood perhaps dreaming is the way to do it. Perhaps.

No comments: