Sunday, December 04, 2005


The loneliness is deafening, isolation a dreaded feeling. That is my feeling as I begin to ponder on the things that had been troubling me for quite a time. In several occasions, I find myself wide awake in the middle of the night thinking of the things that I wanted to do. About happy moments that will only be possible when away from this sort of prison I am into. Memories of people I could imagine myself having fun with and sharing my life with them. Women that just mesmerized me, beautiful beings that have at some point brought forth this new hope on things that will happen in the future. The more I think about these things, the more I hate the idea of being in this place. I hate the fact that I had to leave people that I care behind and embark on a never ending battle with academics, demerits and yes… loneliness; loneliness that seems to little by little sink in deeper into the chambers of my heart, into the innermost facets of my identity as a person. As I stare at nothingness during those occasions, I wonder if I could continue on being like this, if yes then for how long?
The door suddenly opens. It was a classmate asking me about something that he needed. I gave a quick reply and went back to what I was thinking about. Yes, it was loneliness, the unbearable loneliness I have felt all of a sudden. When I clicked the icon in the computer, a blank page stared at me. It seemed exactly the way I feel at the precise moment. It was bare, just plain white and simply boring. The sides are black and then after that its gray and then the scrollbars and finally, it was the edge of the screen and then nothing. Taking the laptop as it is, the more I look towards the sides the more it becomes gloomy, the more it becomes sad, the more that I wanted to cry. So I begin to write my thoughts, to write my feelings, to write everything that my heart feels. Somehow, it delights me that little by little, the white page begins to have other details, other objects. It is no longer bare, yet it is still boring. In it are just mere words, filling it up. Sadly, the words are expressions of loneliness, expression of longing, it becomes sadder… sadder and sadder.
The door opens again. I quickly make out some more words, rise from my seat, then go somewhere, perhaps in a little while, I can change the tide of these expressions, perhaps after sometime it will become happier…. Happier and happier.

In a little while…still sad… until the next day

A few weeks back, I had this opportunity of meeting a very beautiful lady. The fact that she was a beauty queen was something that instantly gave her the “it” factor. When she left, my friends came asking me all sorts of question. They were as impressed as I was the difference was that I get to have her number. My being mesmerized by her lasted for a few more days, anticipating the next time she’ll be sending another text message. I decided I wanted to take a second look so I followed her to Cebu. We had dinner and then some little chitchat and then I went back to my life. In a week’s time, I was back to my reality. Back when everything you do is dependent on a schedule done by a higher authority. A life were everything has to be in order and expression is not given much importance. A place were obedience is a way of life. Yes, the uniforms are impressive. I am en route to a bright future as she would put it on one of her text messages. While reading that message I taught, a bright future were some of my regrets would be not knowing if the people I met were worth keeping as friends for life. A successful career wondering if I already met my soul mate but due to the circumstances just allowed the person to pass me by. I wonder which of the options are better. I wonder if I’ll ever know. The thought is sad… it becomes sadder and sadder.

The page now has more words, more expressions, yet still it’s sad. I look around, everybody is not here. At a distance, I hear the sound of the band. The parade is going on and I’m pretty sure the people watching are again impressed. Perhaps they too would want to be in my place if given the chance. They start to dream not knowing that with that dream is the possibility of sadness, of loneliness, of desperation. Some of them might just make it here and be one of us. They will meet me and think that I am well accomplished; a very bright future looms ahead of me. I give them orders; I teach them the things that I should teach them. I do my job. But in occasions that I walk along the Flirtration walk alone, I wonder if doing my job was enough to remove this feeling I have. I wonder if the thing that I teach them is enough to lessen the chances that they too will feel the same anguish I have.

Yesterday, I received a text message. In that message it was clear that she has a boyfriend. Another surge of emotions rushes into my consciousness. I then wonder how bad things can really be. Suddenly all hope is gone. The right thing should be to let her stay with her boyfriend, not to interfere, to help her strengthen that relationship. I am in this place trained to do the right thing. Trained to do what is correct even if sometimes I have to sacrifice some of the things I want. I suddenly realize that perhaps sadness is one of those sacrifices. Maybe letting go is another. I wonder what are the others. Again, the thought is sad… it becomes sadder and sadder.

The parade is over. The barracks has come to life. Cadets are again everywhere. I wonder if at the end of this page everything will be over just like the parade. I wonder if I will also come to life after all of the so many things that have happened. I recall all the things that I wrote. Maybe in the future, it will really come to life; just like how it was with the so many experiences I had in the past. In some distant future, things do happen. Events become unbearable, life becomes sad. But then, empty pages are filled up, parades finally over and places coming back to life. I realized it is never always sad. Some things are like roller coaster rides, others seems hopeless, but really in everything the best is yet to come. I smiled at that realization. Perhaps even if the thoughts are sad, it does not become sadder and sadder; perhaps it becomes less sad every time.

Yes, loneliness is deafening, but hope hums while there is breath. My thought returns to that beautiful lady and I smiled. Nothing just beats a sight to behold, a beauty that captures one’s soul to last forever. With the thought, I no longer hear loneliness because I now listen to hope. I’m contented with how the page was filled up. The other pages will be filled up by time and maybe someday I will look back and wonder why I even listened to loneliness.

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