Tuesday, December 27, 2005

To be honest...

I spent the last two days wondering what to do. In Christmas day, I went to church, heard a superb messsage from a Pastor that I truly admire that was in fact very timely for me and went to my usual route in Powerbooks. I was awed with the new changes in that bookstore, the General Fiction book was arranged by authors which was good for me since I generally look for authors first before titles. I had a very good time reading and almost wanted to buy if not for the fact that I just decided not to bring money with me at the time. The good thing is that I get to explore the whole bookstore taking note of possibly good books and eventually controlling my book buying addiction (I really wanted to buy the cheaper version of the New Nicholas Sparks Book At First Sight). But what made that trip to the bookstore different from all other days when I go there without money to spare was that I simply had other thoughts in my mind other thant just the books I wanted to read. As look at the books in so many sections, I somehow relate it to things that have happened to me in the past days and wonder about the connection. In short, I was just being sentimental. I really did not care very much about the books, the books just made me contemplate on things, it made me unearth my emotions from the deepest chambers of my heart. Finally feeling hungry, I went to KFC ordered lots and lots of food and ate by myself overlooking EDSA again thinking about the so many things that have happened. I have somehow become used to this kind of me since I had been generally nostalgic about the whole Christmas season as I have already stated in this blog but really when you feel something and you can not do anything about it, you just hope it will go away or maybe you just wanted to be numb even for just a little time.
I have to admit that my days of waiting is over, now is the time to act, but how? Yesterday, I was texting Hiyas who was to go "mamanhikan" in Davao. Although she generally wouldn't agree with the term I use the fact that she was meeting her boyfriend's parents from another part of the country was indeed something, somehow I could hear wedding bells already, gosh my best friend in the world is getting married perhaps she loves him more than me now... hehehe. But really, that event was somehow one of the reasons that I kind of look back and wonder about how things have been. Not so long ago, we do not have a clue. She was a mess with her relationship and I was a mess with my life as a whole. Although she was well accomplished career-wise, being a chemist and all that, it has to take a while for her to realize how GAGA she has been and although I do not know the whole details of her relationship now being in PMA, I could see that she's happy (imagine dati napupuntahan nya pa ako sa Baguio ngayon kahit reply sa text wala na). Of course I'm not jealous for I know tha she never forgets me, it just can't be; there is simply no reason that she can't, although we argue a lot I know that she loves me dearly. And for my part that was also the time that I just wanted to go back to PMA. And that was how we became close, we both had problems that seemed impossible to solve at the time and we just made it... together. I think that the reason why I am being this way this past days is because I know I am in love and there is nobody to share this with. Nobody to talk to. I really just wish that I am back in PMA when everything is just so fast that I do not realize these things anymore. But now here I am pouring everything in this blog hoping and hoping.
Yes, the events have made me realize that I need to put a stop to all this philosophical approach I have on things. I now have to start listening to my heart.. or should I? To be really honest the confusion is not with the feeling but with the approach, with the way in handling it. Well, its a process of waiting and seeing. Just like all the things that have happened to me in the past everything will just fall into it's proper place.

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