Friday, March 17, 2006

On Being a WORM

A friend (I do not know if she still is a friend) sent me a message earlier while I was in the bus from Baguio going to Manila. She said that she would like to believe that Miriam Defensor-Santiago was correct in calling the military worms. At first, I did not understand what she meant but then suddenly it dawned on me that she really was starting to hate me. She sent the message because she wanted to express hatred or maybe not. Of course, the remark was a result of some unreleased tension between the two of us over an unresolved conflict and that would be another story. But going back, I told her that I can not do anything to convince her otherwise I will just have to go on do what I think I should do as a soldier. As I was thinking comfortably seated in the bus, I thought she might just be right.
Considering the so many controversies regarding destabilization plots involving the members of the military, its not a wonder that some people like my friend, or my former friend, would believe remarks that they hear from everywhere. Perhaps the remark that she heard was something that she felt she can use as an attack against me. Honestly I do not blame her, but again I must say that inasmuch as my ways are not what people expect them to be, I haven't had the slightest intention of hurting anybody, I am just being sincere and honest. If you'd ask me, I owe that to the people that I consider friends. I wouldn't go around telling people things that I do not mean. Anyway, going back to that remark by that girl, I kind of started to think. I was thinking about the so many questions that I heard from people that I meet. I remember the time when I was in the bar of an uncle while on break in our province, one councilor asked me about the issues about coup'd'etat and destabilization. Of course, I was prepared to answer his queries, but I realized that in most instances we can not really answer such questions. I realized that while most of us live a different life inside the halls of Fort del Pilar, the rest of the world continuously form their opinions on us either because they hate one cadet, or they heard a remark from some politician, or they simply want to believe what they think; we can not do anything.
As a cadet, I have come to accept that sometimes our status as cadets deny us of certain rights that is enjoyed by a regular citizen of this state. While in Naga, one student asked me "what do you think is the state of Freedom of Expression in your school?" Considering that I was in civilian clothes she was unaware that I am a cadet. My reply was: "The moment I took my oath, I have given up my freedom of expressions." Perhaps given more opportunity, I can just say that to my friend who sent me that dreaded text message. I guess whatever her reasons are, she is actually free to think whatever she pleases. She can shout on the street and rant about the "wormity" of soldiers. She can write in her paper (she is the editor of her paper, by the way) regarding the cruelty, ignorance, conceit or of other bad traits that she happens to notice over one PMA cadet that she met and maybe she can convince her readers and later on they can start organizing some concerted campaign to call for the closure of the Philippine Military Academy for producing a bunch of conceited spoiled government brats who end up wanting to topple the government. Well, she can basically do what she wants just as anyone of you can do what you want, you can scream at the top of your voice and say "mga pu**ng i*a nyong lahat." For my part, despite of the so many things that are happening, even if I just hate it how some of my upperclass are just so irresponsible, I will keep silent. Maybe I can write some of it in this blog, but generally I'll keep my mouth shut. At night, I will include all of my feelings in my prayer asking God to give me the peace of mind not to be affected by what is happening. I will continue to do what I have to do, study hard, march around when told, run 5.5 kilometers to mantain my physique, write my articles for the Corps Magazine, iron my uniforms, shine my shoes, listen to my instructors, take care of my underclass and then hope to graduate. Once I graduate, I will move on to bigger responsibilities, maybe attack some NPA camp, capture a certain rebel leader, rescue a kidnapped VIP, reinforce a friendly unit undersiege and maybe, god forbid, die while doing all this responsibilities. When that happens, my friend may still continue telling everyone that soldiers are worms. I will be given a one minute prayer by the cadets before they eat their lunch, 21 bullets will be fired in my funeral, my family grieves and then my friend and all the others will continue to say that we are a bunch of worms. Well, in a few months after that I just might turn into a worm, but not after I fought and died for this country. Maybe she'll become successful, be an important person, I'll end up a worm and she'll tell the rest of the world that I am a worm. Well, you do the logic, at the end of it all she is right, I'll end up a worm. After all that has happened, she is right. But then I have to say that she will also end up a worm. After telling everyone that soldiers are a bunch of worms, she will end up as a worm also. As for me, after training hard in PMA, fight the enemies of this country, leave my family behind worried for my life, remained silent about remarks of people like her, we will be together in one community of worms. Well, just spot the difference.... I'm hoping she reads this... I really just hope. Sana maisip nya na kahit hindi ako nagsasalita, masakit na ganun kababaw sya mag-isip so what kung may kasalanan ako sa kanya sana nagalit na lang sya sa akin pinapatay nya ako or something rather than tell me right to my face na walang kwenta ang pagiging sundalo ko, walang kwenta lahat ng ginagawa kong sakripisyo at walang kwenta lahat ng kahibangan ko bilang isang hamak na kadete ng Philippine Military Academy, maawa ka naman kahit konti lang. Please...

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