Friday, March 03, 2006

Why I'm here

A friend told me once that the way I write in this blog seems to say tha I do not like being here but I still remain here. She said that it was funny how I keep on complaining about things that I do here in PMA when the fact remains that I try my best to pass my subjects, do what I am supposed to do just to be able to remain being here. And so now I try to explain.

Yesterday, as I was surfing the net, I read a Youngblood contribution from It was basically about a young woman who was doing her internship to become a doctor. Anyway, my point is basically like hers, you can just read it from the link I provided.

A long time ago when I was very very young, there was this picture of me hanged on our wall. I was about 5-years old, wearing a red jumper standing at some rock. I did not pay much attention to that picture as there was nothing special really with that picture except that it was my picture. My father always out on assignment and my mother always working, there wasn't really time to talk about things. In the few instances that we do, I would marvel at how my mother would describe how was it in PMA. My father did not talk much but I was always fascinated when he wears his bull ring, sometimes I take it when he is asleep and wear it. But then our family had problems, my parents separated, my mother went to the states and it was just me. From the time I was in grade five, I was just being a regular student and PMA did not come into the picture. In second year high school, I learned that my brother was accepted for cadetship. I was happy for him but never really cared about it. By May of that year, all of us went to Baguio to attend my brother's Incorporation Day. There, I saw how proud my father was, walking inside his Alma Mater I could see in his eyes that he was sentimental, he have not seen the place for quite a while. When we finally came to see my brother, his lips were swollen, very ugly but he was the star of that occassion. As I watched the parade, I imagined myself wearing the same uniform and parading like them. It was from there that I started to dream being a cadet.

Years passed, my brother sent me the Corps Magazine often and I became more interested. I was in fourth year high school when a classmate was accepted for cadetship and I envied him so much (he resigned after two months). I was still 15 then and I still have to wait for 2 more years to be accepted. So I kept on dreaming. I took the entrance exams September of 1999, it was the only entrance exam that I really took the time to study for. My acceptance was kind of easy, everything went well except for the fact that I had to have one of my tooth removed and it was very painful. And so in 01 April 2000, I marched towards the Philippine Military Academy. As we were going into the Borromeo Field, I noticed the Flirtration walk, I realized it was there that my picture in the red jumper was taken. And so I became a cadet, but not for long, I got into trouble and was discharged.

They say that when God puts a desire in our hearts, it will continue to bother us unless we heed its call. I believe that was how it was for me. Even when I was discharged, I would imagine myself still wearing the cadet uniform, sometimes even weeping at the thought that I might not just wear it again. There was one event that I remembered how much I really wanted to be here. It was the graduation of the Class of 2002, my squad leaders, together with my other discharged classmates, we were blurting out remarks as each name was called. Then before the program ends, the PMA Alma Mater started to be played. Like some reflex, we stood in front of the television, in attention, and sang the song... weeping. My thought then was, I may not be able to sing this song again wearing the cadet uniform.

Time flew, three of my appeals were denied until finally, in the fourth one I was allowed to take the exam. This was to be my last chance. I was already 21 and it was now or never. The application process this time was not that easy, I was required to have my eyes laser treated to correct the vision. I needed P57,000 for that treatment. I practically begged people to help me, I got P37,000 from the PCSO and was given P20,000 by then Chief of Staff General Abaya. See, when you want something in the world, the universe will conspire to make it happen. And so I am now back in PMA, soon to be a second class and I have to say doing well.

You see, at the end of it all dreams are whispers from God that guide us what to do with our lives. Dreaming is always the starting point upon which God will reveal himself to tell us that He is in control of our lives. Now you ask me why I am here despite of the fact that I complain about the things that I do, I am here becaue this is where God put me. I may complain at things, feel bad why I have to sacrifice so much, be lonely, miss the people that I love, have an abnormal social life, and even put my life in the website because I just do not have people to talk to, yet I am still here. I am still here because in the vastness of everything that happens in our lives, it is never about feeling good about the things that we do, it is never about getting all the good things from what we are doing. In the end it is about being true to ourselves, following our Heart, listening to God's whispers and being the best out of the situation we were placed. Yes, life is a box of chocolate, this is what I've got and this is where I will define myself. Life is an adventure people and my adventure is unfolding right before my eyes.


Anonymous said...

kinda enjoy reading your blog.Kinukulit ko nga minsan yong bf ko 'bout some na nababasa ko..ü
Punta me jan dis grad day and swear,kukulitin ko talaga bf ko na ituro ka...naiintriga lang po kung ano itsura mo in person..joke
Cge,thank you again.ü

Luisa said...

I'm enjoying reading your blog entries. And this particular entry got me.=) God bless!