Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Getting what we want or risking it

Exchanging text messages earlier with a friend, I had this thought of putting into words what is it that I am doing right now with my so called lovelife. And that will be my topic for this blog entry.
I really think that the world we are living now is full of so much pretensions that instead of just being who we are, we adjust to this pretensions so that we can gain people who will be with us. That was also how I was when people always commented that I was just noisy. The thing is, I never gain a good first impression to people that I meet. It is always two things it's either I am shallow or I am simply proud. That is what I get for trying to be myself, opinionated and admissibly noisy. In my younger years, I hated it when people think that way about me. I have always known myself as someone, and if I may say, hindi po ako masamang tao. Even if people will most of the time immediately notice how noisy I can get, I still mantain that I am not somebody who speaks about useless things or just being boastful. I have so much to say because with my kind of personality I just have so much things going through my head that I can not help but blurt it out. I mantain that if one will just listen to what I say, nothing purely rubbish comes out of my mouth.
So the friend asks me, did I ever ask this girl what she thinks about me. That led me to think that I just might be afraid of what answer she'll give. But I remembered, sometime ago I confronted that issue even before I made up my mind over this. I hate it when people do not go beyond what their first impression on me is and conclude that I am just someone not worth dealing with. Even if I want to gain friends, I want these friends to be my friends because they know the real Alex and not some cadet from the Philippine Military Academy who takes advantage of the prestige and status that PMA has built up. When I was confronted by the reality that I am becoming fond of this girl, I took a risk that I never took before.
Most people see courtship as impressing another, putting forward his best asset. The lady feels good about this someone who is just so impressive and she gives in. After that, she realizes that the man is some psychopath who does not care about her and she lives a nightmare. It is easy to "bolahize" people but it will be hard to be accepted as the true person that you are. I am taking the risk of exposing all my weaknesses, showing the real me and somehow make her understand that this is me: the person. In the letters that I send every week, I usually talk about the things that have happened in my life, especially the sad ones and tell her how I felt about these things. I tell her how these things changed my life and the lessons that I learned. I try my best not to impress her with things that are easy to compose but just depend on the sincerity of the things that I have to say and feel. So I was asked by my textmate, "Paano yan wala na syang itatanong sa'yo kasi sinabi mo na lahat?" I was not able to answer back but upon contemplating I understood that one lifetime is not really enough to know a person but what is important is we get to be known based on the things that are true rather than an image that we create. One time, she texted me about my being "makulit" further saying that she is already used to it. Now I realize that she may not really like everything that is about me. But the bottom line is my heart is pure and that I am a true person. If in the end she is able to appreciate it then that's a reward for the risk I took. If she does not, at least I am sincere and be myself.
Sometimes the greatest challenge we hurdle as a person is just getting what we want or risk it believing in the fairness of life. I am choosing the latter. I am choosing to believe that I will sow what I reap and my heart tells me that she is worth the risk. When all is said and done, no matter how it will end, I am choosing to believe that I will get what I deserve. I am crossing my fingers everytime I write my letters at the same time I am believing that God is good all the time.

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