I have a hard time typing this entry, I must have punched so hard during my boxing class this afternoon that I can not move three fingers on my left hand. But I have to write this entry because this is for my Daddy who will be celebrating his birthday tommorrow. I intend to write a tribute for my father who has made a tremendous impact on my life.
I was what they call a father's boy. My mother told me that when she was pregnant with me it was my father that she always wanted to see. Although science can not reallty prove the connection, but as a little boy I always wanted to see him. There was even a time when I got sick if I do not see my father for a very long time. I would do my best to always be with my daddy even squeeze into little spaces so that I can be beside him ALWAYS. So it was not a surprise that I was the most devastated when he separated with my mother and that I learned that he was raising another family aside from us. From that point on, I resented him and did everything I could to do some sort of vengeful act against him. I bad mouthed him, insulted my half siblings, even wishing that he'd die. When my mother left for the States to work, I resented him more thinking that if only he was a good father, my mother wouldn't have to leave us. I did silly things because of this hatred and continued to plot against him. When my mother died of cancer, I hated him more and asked God why is it that it was my mother who died when my father was the bad one. All these things led to other events in my life that pushed me away and away from my father. But deep inside, I was simply trying to get the attention of my father, I simply wanted to be Daddy's boy.
Then I became a Christian and realized that one can not live a Christian life with hatred dwelling in one's heart. With constant prayer, I began to open up and really tried my best to start forgiving my father. It wasn't easy for everytime I feel good about him, the memories of my late mother came surging into my system and again I blame him for my loss. I knew he was trying to reach out, wanting to be forgiven but there are just so many issues, so many bad feelings that can not simply be ignored. I continued and prayed some more. Just it was God's grace that gave me the will to start forgiving my father, it was also through his miracle that I began to put sense in the so many things that happened to my life which led to the breakthrough of this struggle. One time, I was looking at old things from his cabinet when I found his planner back in 1977. He was still a cadet then and he was my mother's boyfriend. I learned that I was really very much like my father. He kept little notes about the things that happened and like me he was very honest on this notes. Chronicled in that planner was a portion of his love affair with my mother and his feelings. It was through those notes that I finally surrendered all the hatred I had for him. I understood that all the hatred that I harbored was not exactly because of him, it was because I felt unloved and unwanted when he separated with my mother when I was supposed to be Daddy's boy. I thought that he never loved my mother and because of that I was just someone born out of "libog." The things that he did began to make sense. I understood how sorry he was and that he loved me even when I thought he didn't, even when I considered him my enemy.
My father is a living example of how it is to be human. To accept that one commits mistake, takes responsibility for it and redeems himself. To be human is to rectify one's mistake and learn from it. He is an example of a loving father who never ceased to love his children even amidst the most difficult circumstances. He is the perfect example of redemption. He is the manifestation that love really never fails.
In a person's life, we do not always have the best circumstances. There will be so many instances where we have to deal with things that are bad. The challenge of living is to live it to the fullest despite these circumstances and always come out a better person.
To my father, I would like him to know that he is forgiven and that if ever given the chance to live again I would still choose him as my father. I am happier, more loving to people, more patient, more forgiving and above all more amazed of God's power because of him and for that I wouldn't exchange him for anything else in the world.
I LOVE YOU DADDY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY