Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The prayer of a longing heart

I said a simple prayer after taking my dinner this evening. It was some prayer that I haven't said for a while.
These past days had been somewhat of a haze. With so many things going on, I have somewhat forgotten the things that I like doing and concentrated so much on what I had to do. With the Formal Dinner last saturday, I was more preoccupied with not being slugged for not finding a partner rather than be happy by the fact that I am about to experience something that can only be experienced when one goes up to the ladder in the Academy. The next day in Church, trying to ward of drowsiness from lack of sleep the day before, I busied myself with teaching the children at Sunday School the song they were to perform for the Church Anniversary a few weeks from now. I was amazed by the patience of the other young people teaching them and felt sorry for myself for not having that much patience, I'd rather have plebes than little children below 10 years old. Then yesterday, I tried myself to write something of sense in this blog hoping that I can come up with something worth reading. Reading it now, I realized that the beauty of what I write here is that my heart speaks through the words, last night's entry was an attempt to sound concerned. It is not to say that I am not concerned with the affairs of the country, its just that at that time, my heart occupied more pressing issues in my personality. As I stand in silent prayer after dinner earlier this evening, I realized that my heart had been longing for something. I then went on for study period reviewing for my major exam tomorrow, I was gazing at the different things I placed in my study table still very contemplative although trying to remember the facts about the medieval period which will be my exam tomorrow. Then familiar songs played in the computer behind me, songs that I love to sing, songs of praise and worship. I realized God was trying to talk to me, He was whispering to my heart. I finally heeded the urge, and started walking towards the computer laboratory, I wanted to understand the longings of my heart.
It was not long ago when I started feeling differently about the things that are happening to me. This different feeling has developed into a longing for something or rather for someone. Believe it or not there is never a day that I do not think of that someone. A few months ago I decided that I will just wait how things will come. I will never be agressive, I will never push my luck. I decided to stand firm in my convictions that love will come in a manner that only God dictates. The letters that I wrote her once a week became an activity that I looked forward to and for no apparent reason my life suddenly drifted around her. It's surprising because she never replied to any of the letters I sent her and yet each day I grow more and more engrossed by my feelings. I continued to ponder on this finding reason but finally just believing that something is happening outside my understanding. The love letter that I wrote a few days ago was something that came out just by thinking about her while my entries has somewhat revolved on topics about love. The Formal Dinner last saturday although a disaster became somewhat of a cause for anticipation of next year's Formal Dinner. The talk of our rings coming and other class memorabilias do not come to me as a sign of achieving my dreams but a reminder that there has to be someone with me when I achieve my dreams. Maybe I am just imagining things, seeing everything as a reflection of something that I do not have but I remembered my prayer a long long time ago I realized she was the one, I said to God "Lord, guide my heart." I gave it all up to Him the moment I felt that tickle in my system and I am believing that it still is. With all the "funny" feelings I have I can just be hopeful and continue to believe in the beauty of this wonderful journey that I am going through. I guess I really am in love, by all means my heart tells me that I am in that state and I am finally accepting it. As I stand in silence talking to God in one dark corner with several others saying their own concerns, I finaly admitted to God that I love her and I am trusting God to do what He has to do.

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