Thursday, November 02, 2006

On not being myself

There are reasons behind actions. One does not just do something for no apparent reason. We sometimes say that there is none, but really it could only be just two things: that our reason is from our subconscious or that we are afraid to accept the real reason.
This has been the focus of my contemplation moments ago after I received a friendster message from an underclass who is home right now for break. It was a reply to a remark I made over a bulletin she posted about some sentimental thought that I reckon she just have to blurt out. Unfortunately, she did it in friendster bulletin for everyone to see. She said that she was not being herself at that time and I corrected her by saying that she is wrong.
In another bulletin board that I go to, I made a comment on the thread about Pre-marital sex. I said that it is likened to stealing for a small kid, even if you do not teach them, they know that it is bad. No matter how we put it deep inside us we know that Pre-marital sex is not exactly right... whether you will agree with me or not! Of course, this is not some declaration of being against it, I am not a hypocrite and although I have my views and try to live with it, I am a sinful person who has been tempted and has succumbed to it (you do the math). But then I must also say that despite of my deficiencies I will never claim that I wasn't myself when I suddenly turned monster in one instant of my life. I will gladly accept that being myself entitles me to commit mistakes and better yet correct them the moment we become aware. In a simpler sense, our totality is not just the person that we are now but everything that we have done in our lifetime. The reason why people see things differenly is because people have different experiences even on the same things. Our actions no matter how innocent is always part of us we just hope that the bad ones will be forgotten and what we remember are our shining moments.
And so here I am again, putting myself out in the open telling the whole world that I too have my share of moments that I do not wish to remember. Although I understand that doing this might result to something negative, I am much concerned with accepting who I truly am and living it. When we realize that at some point we become a loser and try to forget the experience into oblivion, we also try to forget the lessons that have to be learned. I particularly remember Sharon Cuneta when asked about how will she teach her daughters about falling in love (they were talking about the Sharon-Gabby thing). Her witty reply was, "Mga anak this is not how to do it." Inasmuch as I accept that I am not perfect, I am also accepting that things had to be done for me to at least be near perfect and I guess that is better than simply detaching myself to my painful past. Life is a load of lessons that will only become one if we choose for it to be one.
Sometimes we do things and it turns out bad. In reality, everything that we do is a result of our judgment that has been nurtured by our experiences and the values that we have formed. Everyone of us may claim that we were not being ourselves when that happened, but the truth remains is that we were ourselves at that time even if we were in our temporary state of insanity. It is not like we can go to another body everytime we suck. Life is not actually a canvass where there are only good things, part of it are the bad things so that the good things can stand out. There is always a reason behind our actions and these reasons are entirely ours. It is only with the acceptance of this that living life becomes a journey towards self-discovery and self improvement.

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