Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The thing that changed

It is hard when there are just so many thoughts inside your head. The moment this window appeared, all of those ideas seems to race out of my head all wanting a piece of the space intended for this blog entry. Something has happened inside me and I am just about to describe it.
A person that I truly care about has always commented in my being spontaneous. I have always believed that following my heart was the way to do things even if I do not understand why I do it. Last December 23, while I was sharing pizza and some pasta with a very good friend, we were talking about whether or not I was in love. Yes, the love topic is back in my system. She was telling me that if I really wasn't in love, why is it that I am devoting so much time and effort into making this lady feel that she is special. She further asked me why is it that I do not do it to others, even to her although we are the best of friends. I also wondered and my reply was that I was being spontaneous. I reasoned that to be in love with a person that I barely know (I am admitting that I barely know her considering that we haven't really spent that much time together) is an idea that even I do not believe to be possible. I would like to think that I am doing what I do because that is what my heart tells me to do and my soul just feels so good doing it to her, if that is how being in love is then it might be. The discussion did not have a definite conclusion. Instead, I spent the next days thinking and evaluating my feelings.
I remember the time when I started seeing her differently. It was early in the morning while the rest of the world was in slumber. As the sun crept inside the room we were all resting, it was as if there was some kind of a spotlight pointed at this sleeping beauty. I resolved that it was God showing me something and she was the object of that something. From that day, I wanted to find out that something. Well, PMA does not really allow that to be an easy possibility. But then there was something that I felt I needed to do and I decided to do it even if I was in PMA and she was some place else. For some reason, there is some sort of unlimited energy that allowed me to do write her a letter week after week. Although there were times that I felt I was not going to keep on doing it, I did and the weeks became months and now it will be a year. I still do not have the slightest idea what is it that I have to find out. I am taking a chance without really directing what is it that I want to happen. I am waiting for another whisper, another sign that I do not know will come. I am living life, and enjoying it as I try to figure out what is it that I have to learn in this great adventure where this girl is a major character.
Now I am in some place and I just saw her earlier today. Nothing special really but it was to go down as a very important memory in my life. There were no sweet nothings nor romantic moments. It wasn't like those that we see in movies and there was definitely no Judy Ann Santos or Ryan Agoncillo among us. Although there were few stolen glances from me into her eyes, I still wondered if the eyes that I saw evoked some kind of message that I have to understand. Life went on when we parted ways. The thought still lingers inside my head and some of it have found themselves in this blog. I figured that life will still be the same after, even when I go back to PMA and resume my weekly letters. But as I said something did change and it happened as we were standing in front of candles that I did not know the reason why it has to be lighted. On her back as she was saying her prayers, I took the longest glance I could remember. It maybe because of the ambiance in that church or any other reason that I will never understand. As I was looking at her, there was a familiar feeling, it was the same as that when that spotlight appeared while she was sleeping more than a year ago. This time, it wasn't something that I did not know. It was something that I wished would last forever. Then I said my own prayers, and I said:
"Lord, I do not understand why all the candles are here, or what all the things around here had to do with faith. I am very sure of my faith and I do not see anything wrong with those who practice their faith differently from me. In the same way that You know how my faith is, I would like to think that You also know how I feel for this young lady in front of me and just as what I always do when it seems that I am so sure of my feelings, I give it up and allow You to do what You have to do."
Before she turned her back to look at me, I was already able to wipe a drop of tear that I was trying to stop while I was saying my prayers. I hope she did not notice.

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