Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Being not enough

Around two weeks ago, I was excited to lead the congregation at church for Praise and Worship. Not only that it will be the first for the year, I was also full of so much pain and I just wanted release all of it. I wanted to find God's purpose on the things that suddenly gripped me when I came back from Christmas break. The Church then had some kind of activity where our pastor invited a Choir from the local UCCP in Baguio. It was to be a worship full of song and that made me uneasy, I guess I felt uneasy singing in front of singers. I made it through my part still unable to understand what I wanted to understand.
The choir that sang generally had older people in it but there was one that stood out. She was beautiful. The moment we saw her, almost all the upperclassmen had ordered at least one underclass to find out her cellphone number. In the duration, I forgot the spiritual thing I wanted to find out. Or so I thought.
In the days that followed, I have exchanged a lot of text messages with her. I learned a thing or two but the thing that stood out really was I enjoyed doing it. I was waiting each day for a text message from her and somehow that alleviated all the feelings that I had over my troubles. Later on, we began to talk about more personal things. Its really easier to confide with people that you do not know, even revealing the gory details of our lives seem to be so easy. Finally, I got this notion that there must be something about this girl.
Last night, I started reading Paulo Coelho's The Devil and Ms Prym. I was again caught by the genius of Paulo Coelho. Yesterday, I came to a thought which I shared with the girl I was talking about. I said that there are certain limitations with communication such as text messaging. After sometime, we realize that when we reach that limit beyond that is no longer believable. At the point when I considered even falling in love with her, I realized that it couldn't be possible, it was beyond the reach of text messaging. I kind of had this thought about this girl I have been writing to every week for the past year and somehow it all connected. At some point, we will realize that the things that we have or the things that we do will not be enough to really get what we want. All the effort I put in writing my letters every week to a girl far away will never be enough just as the text messages I send. It will never be enough because if we are able to depend on what we have and get what we want, then this world would be full of people just trying to be better than each other. At the end of it all, everything will be dependent on something beyond us and all we have to do is believe.
Well, going back to singing in the church and all my problems, I will never be enough. No matter how good I am, or whatever thing I try to do to avoid frustrations, it will never be enough. I will never be enought because if I was then life wouldn't be that exciting and God would not have a place in this world. At the end of it all, I will have to put my faith into something and for me now that something is with God. I will believe in Him, embrace it, and live my life to the fullest.

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