Today is like the lowest time of my life. I wanted to cry because of al the things that are happening. I do not want to go into details as this would cause me more trouble I will just have to realease my feelings without really discussing the reason why I am feeling such.
In New Year's Eve, I attended church at CCF at the back of SM Megamall. I do not remember anymore the last time I was there and the church itself changed a lot from the last time I saw it. I always look forward to the message in this church because more often I am able to gather a thing or two that applies to my life, this time was no exception. You see, I have always believed that life is fair, I mean inasmuch as many disagree with that perception I have experienced so much already in my life that lead me to believe that it is true. But last New Year's Eve, Vince Burke (the preacher) introduced to me a new idea. He said that according to the Bible, life is not fair. He said that if life is fair then we all go to die in Hell because we are all sinners. The new idea was that by the Grace of God, we actually get more than we deserve. Well, that was a major leap from my original belief system and no matter how I try not to believe it, it seems true and due to the things that are happening in my life right now, that just might be true.
Oftentimes, at the point when we have become so comfortable with our lives, it is shaken. That is how I consider my life now. My year began with the biggest frustration I have experienced since the time I was discharged 6 years ago. I will never claim that I am the perfect cadet. I had my share of laxities, stupidity and other bad things that I did, but I can confidently say that I am never bad. I can honestly say, in all conviction, that I have tried my best to be worthy of my place here. And so at the point when I thought everything was going well, I am shaken. I am shaken because everything that I do has an effect in the larger society that I exist upon which I do not have control. No matter how honest and noble my intentions are, there will never be an assurance that all will be well as in my case now. In my soul searching, as I try to contemplate with my present problem, I am amazed that I can find so much energy and faith in myself even if the odds are not in my favor. I am misty eyed that although the very things that I value the most are threatened, I can still face my problems with pride armed with a sense of peace that I never intended to harm anyone. I am glad that at a time when things are not looking up, I will have the opportunity to practice my faith and accept that things will not be in my terms but will be part of God's plan for me. I have come to realize that all the heartaches I have had, the circumstances taht I went through were all part of preparing me for this day. I know that my faith will be my weapon and that God will be my protector. When everything has settled down, however this one ends up, I know that I will come out a winner... as God promised I will get MORE than what I deserve. I hope that people will pray for me.