Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Detached

Detached. That's what I call myself now.

Early in June, my phone was confiscated and for some reason I wasn't too sad about it. It somehow felt that I was gaining freedom, freedom from my world outside of PMA. As if this moment I do not know exactly what is happening outside of Fort del Pilar. I do not know who won for Senator nor do I have any idea what is happening to my family. I'm just living my life everyday, not worrying or perhaps not wanting to know what is happening beyond the grasp of my little world here.

I am not turning into a hermit. Aside from watching American Soap Operas, enjoying my dancing lesson for PE and doing my job as the Company Personnel Officer, it seems that for the first time in my more than three years stay in this Academy, I'm finally letting go of all my worries beyond cadetship and just enjoy every bit of my being a cadet. Of course, there are still things that I worry about. I sometimes think of this girl and fear that she might forget me. I wonder what is happening to my younger brother who is in the States now for some training for his Job. I wonder if my niece remembers me. I wonder so much but leave it to that and try to live life here. In 9 months time, I will never be able to return to my current state and all my worries will go back. I am thinking of just being here for some reason I feel some kind of fulfillment of being in this place enjoying every bit of the Baguio climate, with free everything, graduate and make a life.

But the thing really why I am doing this is simply because I think that I am worrying too much. The more I worry, the more I lose sight of what I really want to do. The more I worry, the more I forget that in the end the things in my life will never be up to me, it will be up to what God has intended for me. There are times at night that I have my usual feeling of loneliness, of missing people or just wanting to do the things that my friends back at home do, but with no option to do it, I retreat to the world that I created for myself and thank God that I have something like it. Sometimes we try so much to live life without actually living it and perhaps what I am doing is really to just live it. I did not plan for this nor do I have any idea how long I will be able to keep up, but being with myself now is perhaps the most recent enlightening experience I have had since I became a cadet again.

For all the people looking for me, I'm just here in Fort del Pilar doing whatever it is that I have to do to graduate. Surprisingly, although I think about a lot of things, I'm happy.

2 comments:

ak said...

for some unknown reasons, i totally forgot that ur fone was confiscated. or maybe i didnt really know all along. haha. FYI, i texted you while i was watching the MMK episode about the PMA guy. That was sooo touching. you probably didnt get the chance to see it.nyweiz, bottomline: just thanking you for telling me bout that ep. :) godbless.

alex said...

I saw it, we were encouraged to see the episode because it was taken here and I was some kind of an "extra" that even I do not know where I was... hehehe