Sunday, July 15, 2007

Thinking to myself

I have noticed that more than the the many things that I write in this blog, I really just think to myself about ideas that are in my head. Usually, these are the things that I do not have people to share it with. These are my cheesy ideas about romance, my rantings about the system that I am into but can not do anything about and sometimes, just things that are not so fit with the stereotype associated with the people I am with.

About two years ago, I delivered my first speech for our Local Toastmaster's Club here in the Academy. Since it was the first, it did not have a definite topic and that was a relief. My topic was: "My own little world." I talked about retreating to our own little world when we feel so stressed or burdened about the things that are not so well in the real world. I remember closing it by saying that:
"I do not know if you got something out of what I have been saying to the last couple of minutes. Considering that most of you here are accomplished speakers there is a greater chance that you'll think I am not doing this the way it should be done. But then again, I can just retreat to my own little world and say that I delivered a good speech and I'll be fine"

True to those words, I guess this blog is more of like "my own little world." This is beyond the confident look I have to wear when giving instructions to my subordinate. This is revealing the fears that I have that I do not share with others. This is just me, some place where I can just be myself free from the roles that I have to assume.

I guess all of us do have our own little world. Someplace that totally frees us from what is expected of us and just be who we really want to be. I remember a conversation I had with a friend last year when we were talking about responsibilities. I remember her saying that it is always my choice so I should not be blaming others when I get so pressured with the responsibilities I have to fulfill. But beyond that conversation, I realized that the best way to really live this life is to be true to that little world. Not that I am saying, we should stop being responsible, but rather we should strive to be true to who we really are.

Forgive me but ideas are just flowing. I think that maybe it is because we have not developed the confidence in ourselves that we'd rather submit to the sure way of being accepted. I, too, am guilty of that, but I think its a phase that all of us go through as we try to discover ourself and find our place in this world. I think that as we mature in this life, we let go of our insecurities and become more comfortable with the kind of person we are and then live according to it. I think that is why most older people seem to be that "learned." The thought that really struck me is that the more we strive to be more comfortable with the way we are, we learn to deal with it and after sometime we take that risk to let people deal with it also. I realized that although most people would say that they just want to be happy without hurting people, all of us will want to be known to people as the persons that we really are, including our faults, our shortcomings and even our idiosyncrasies. The truth really does set us free.

So finally, I say that life is that continuous journey of being free. By being free, I mean freedom from all other things and live it according to how we are wired. As I said, I am just thinking to myself but then as I end this, I am also hoping that in the future, I will not just think to myself but say aloud what is it really that defines me as a person. It will come.

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