Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Just one wish

"There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; Omitted, all the voyage of their life Is bound in shallows and in miseries"

I spent most of the day watching the last 6 episodes of season 4 of One Tree Hill and it ended with this quote reverberating inside my head. For some reason, the things that are happening in my life seem to reflect the words of Shakespeare.

There have been a lot of times in my life that has made me afraid of what the future holds. In most cases, it is my undying hope that give me the boldness to face it and just take the plunge to believe on whatever good it might lead me. To be honest, my moments of boldness are actually at the same time my moment of being the most afraid yet choosing to be bold and allow things to come.

It was the same boldness that fought hard to put me back in this Academy. A period of not really knowing what to do but just doing what is immediate at that point of time. Eventually finding myself at the doorsteps of my dreams. It was also that boldness that fought hard against Calculus wanting to stay alive despite my classmates falling one by one in my midst. This time it is also the same boldness that I look forward to the day when I finally pass my Physical Fitness Test even as I dread the time when all I can think of is the possibility of not meeting the minimum requirement of that test. I am really just doing everything that I can believing that just like always it will turn out fine.

But the thing that I am most afraid of right now yet I face with boldness are the things that are going on inside me. The so many emotion that seems so much for me to process yet I have to deal with everyday. I am beginning to think that the world revolves around me in a manner that blurs so many of the things that I want for my life. Sometimes, I wonder if the things that are in me are still ME.

I have learned from experience that when everything seems to be so confusing the best decision is always to believe on love. So in all of it I tried to find the love out of it and then just believe it regardless of how I feel. The choice becomes harder when it does not boil down to me but on other people and all I have to do is have faith. I may say a lot that I have faith on things but saying is very much different from what is happening inside of me. The anguish that I try to live each day constantly wondering if what I have been doing will lead to what my life is for. With loving, I have to allow people to be themselves and tell myself everytime that love does wonders that I do not understand. Its like waiting for a miracle to happen, hoping that things will fall amazingly in my favor but still trying to get in terms that if it does not happen then God did not want it to happen that way.

I know that after sometime, I will look back at this entry and say to myself how stupid I was to doubt my faith or how insane I was to think that what I am thinking is even remotely possible. Either way I will have to deal with what is it that will happen. But for now, the feeling inside me frightens me. It frightens me not because I am afraid of how things are to end but because for quite sometime I realized that I never wished for something as badly as I am wishing for right now. I realized that what I am wishing for will actually define the life that I will lead.

No comments: