Monday, December 10, 2007

I am an Unprofitable Servant

I am currently reading this book by Elisabeth Elliot entitled the Mark of Man. From being able to read John Eldredge's Wild at heart about two years ago, I have always sought out what the Bible says regarding being masculine. Somehow, my Christianity has led me to the understanding that my individuality is not based on how I want myself to be but on how God intended it to be. Considering that I am in the midst of learning another dimension of submission to the will of God, I am trying to digest what I have been reading in relation to the things that are happening in my life now.

Many people I know has reacted violently on some of the principles I decided to live my life with. I remember a time when this one person was trying very hard to convince me against a decision I already made saying that I was doing something stupid. We never did agree with my explanation on why I made such decision but I think the good thing that came out of that initial conflict of idea we had was that she was able to understand the kind of person I am and respected me for it.

I have not always been proud of the things I made in my life. I mean, I have done things that I regret but in the many times that I failed and learned my lessons, I am proud to say that I have become a better person. As they say, experience does teach us valuable lessons that leave an imprint in our hearts and mins. So going back to the topic of manhood and all, despite of my stupidity and sometimes impulsive behavior, I seek out the kind of person God wants me to be and although I do not feel very good about it all the time, the decisions I made based on that understanding of my life has led me to this situation I am in.

Jesus said: When you have done all, you are unprofitable servants. These words were spoken on the topic of how we are to go about our roles as children of God. Looking at it blankly, one would say that it is a cruel conclusion for "doing it all." In my situation now, the statement takes a greater meaning, even more than what I thought I could muster as I confront my present misery.

Those who follow my blog will have an idea what is this misery that I am talking about. It is the misery of surrendering the one thing that you value most in your life at present. It is surrendering a dream to the will of God that is still unknown to me. It is acceptance of a fate that is uncertain. It is fearfully facing life as it is happening clinging only to faith. I think about all the things that will happen to me after December 13, how I hate that a deadline is already in the horizon without me not knowing how to overcome it but end up conceding to surrender. Surrender to a more powerful force way beyond my imagination.

Now with the way I am illustrating the things that I am feeling right now, many would think that I am in fact accepting defeat. Believe it or not, I am not. As I have realized earlier while soaked in sweat doing my exercises, I am still in the race and will finish it unless I am told that I can not. The things that I am saying now are actually realization... these are revelations of a growing faith that is trying its best to detach how I want things to be according to what I want from a Will that I have accepted as what is best for me even if I do not necessarily understand it.

This blog is a witness to my aspirations of wanting to become a cadet of the Philippine Military Academy. It became a testimony of my struggles as a cadet and learning it's many facets. Now, this will become a chronicle of how God will define the kind of person I will be as I confront my fears and surrender it all. I do not know what happens next, but I know that the events that will unfold will be a miracle from God.

Let us continue praying, there are three more days...

2 comments:

bless said...

hello, I pray that you would be fine and stay in the Academy. My friend, in fact, has entertained the same thought of giving up. He failed 3 subjects in one semester and was delayed for a year for his graduation... I hope you gather more strength. God bless you.

Regards,
Bless

Anonymous said...

In the Canadian navy, 25 pull ups were required in order to pass.

In the words of a Philippine air force major: a person who can't do a decent set of pull ups doesn't deserve to be in the military.

From any viewpoint, the PMA's present standard of 10 pull ups as graduation requirement should be seen as either humane, or merciful or certainly both. And to give a cadet four years to achieve such a puny feat should be read as an act of mercy. It's being more than considerate. It's downright pitiful.

The public believes in, hopes for, and deserves strong soldiers in the military, both in word and deed. I hope this fuels your motivation to succeed.