Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Pulling up some more

I wrote earlier about this issue between the Press and the Government over the incident at the Manila Peninsula Hotel but decided to delete it for fear of saying something that might jeopardize my being part of the government. Instead, I will write about other things.

Yesterday, I was informed that my Physical Fitness Test will be on the 13th. On that day, if I will not pass that test, I will not be graduating on March. Let me explain why this is so as I have already done in some other posts in this blog, I really just have to put all of this out.

The Physical Fitness Test is a test that we are required to pass. Its like one major subject which involves running, push-ups, sit-ups and the dreaded (at least for me) pull-up. The standards were changed this year (no jerking movement allowed) and I have not passed the pull-up event. I was given an ultimatum and the 13th is the end of it, if not I will be suspended and join the next class that will graduate on 2009.

The reason why I am writing this is somehow to just put out my frustration and fear over the things that might happen to me in a week's time. From not being able to perform at least one repetition, I was able to make six last month. I then have to go through this program from the Sports and Physical Development Unit, the next thing I knew I can not even make one. Last night I tried practicing but was only able to make four which was already very hard for me. My theory is that the program destroyed my method in achieving my goal and in this institution its not like I can complain. I am not actually giving up but in my mind I am contemplating that it might just be possible that I will fail that test next week, I am actually trembling in fear as i write this.

A long time ago, I had this assurance of a promise that I was to graduate from this Academy and do wonderful things for the Lord. I did not know how that was possible then but I suddenly found myself back at the Academy. I knew then that it was the fulfillment of that promise. I know I have not been that perfect but I was always aware that I was being taught valuable lessons because I was being prepared to do things. Now I am in this situation and suddenly my faith is shaken. A couple of years ago, I was asked if I was willing to surrender the one thing that was very important to me. I have always spoken about surrender and now I am being called to surrender the most important thing I have in my life -- my cadetship and the hope to graduate in 3 months time. I feel that I have done what I am supposed to do preparing for my test, losing a lot of weight and exerting so much effort to exercise. I am writing this now because I want to document this journey of mine, although becoming sad, but still believing that this is all part of God's plan for me and really embracing the true essence of surrender... to surrender even to failure believing that God will be there to catch me.

This is the other entry about the same problem Pulling it up
Anyway, I am asking for prayers. I do not want prayers for me to get what I want but prayers for me to totally surrender what God wants for me. I am very afraid of next week but I am believing that God know what is best for me even if I do not feel good about it... This might just spell the end of diaries from Melchor Hall... I might go back to writing my diaries from the OUTSIDE WORLD... I need your prayers people.

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