So this is how it is during winter

Yesterday, I heard from the news that Baguio registered ten degrees which was a torture to most of us. We had to close all of our windows and cover ourselves with blankte just to get through the night. I, for one, expected this because January and February are usually the coldest months here but its just colder this year. Then later, there was a weather news from CNN, surprisingly, New York registered sixteen degrees which means Baguio is colder. I then said to my room mates "Ganito pala pag winter sa ibang bansa" then going near the iron which we used as a makeshift heater.

Well the cold weather can bring about so many thing. For one, no matter how "unsleepy" you are you just can't help but fall asleep because of the weather. I was listening intently earlier in my Statistics class, already feeling bored because the lesson was something I already knew. Instead, I started to solve my assignment so that I will not have to do it in the barracks. I wrote the formula, punched some numbers in my calculator, write the result and then do it all over again. I became so preoccupied with what I was doing when suddenly, I heard my whole class saying out my name. Finally, my seatmate touched my back and then I was awakened. My paper had no writings in it and my calculator was turned off... well blame it to the weather.

Aside from that, waking up becomes harder. Imagine when you have become so comfortable inside your blanket where it is warm and comfy and you can feel the coldness creeping from beyond your covered body. When my room mates begin to start making their noise at 5:30 in the morning, its as if I would want to just totally disappear and be let alone to sleep. Of course, I can't because after sometime I really had to wake up and change into my uniform. Surprisingly taking a bath is different. I do not know if it is scientifically possible but it just seems that the water in the sink is warmer than the climate. My theory is that because of the very cold environment the water was not able to catch up. Although the water is still called, your body becomes warmer afterwards only that you start to chill again as soon as the cold air blows to your body.

But all in all the weather did not stop me from doing what had to be done. The day goes on with its normal routine and I can just hope that this weather will be warmer in the coming days. So this is how it is during winter, I am kind of wishing that snow will start falling tomorrow just for the sake of experience. Anyway, so this is how cold it is in Baguio, in case you people would want to take a vacation here do bring your thickest jackets....

Questions

I did not intend to write a post just now, but the comment in one of my previous posts kind of trigerred some reaction that I had to straighten out some things. I do not wish to be miunderstood in this one.

Although it would seem that I felt bad about being banned from writing in the mag, that is not what I am really sad about. I have long accepted that I will not be able to always say what I think(or write it for that matter). If one may have observed how I have been in the many posts in this blog, I have always been critical about the kind of leadership exercised by the people around me. I am inside the biggest leadership laboratory in the country and its sad that even in this place there are instances that something is not right. In my limited knowledge about the real world and my inexperienced ego, I do know that my perception is not that good but I am very much aware if things are not going the way it should.

These are the questions at hand:

1. What is the leader's responsibility to his subordinates? Does he ignore them as long as he has the best of intentions?
2. Is it too hard to understand that sometimes we do not have the monopoly of ideas that sometimes it helps to seek other people's opinion?
3. Does longevity equate to maturity?
4. Who says something is wrong when your boss is going wild especially in the military organization?

In all these questions (there are many others that I can think of) I realized that in the end it will not be about the leader but about how we wish to define ourselves. I do not have all the answers but I do know that when all else fails I will have to stick to my convictions, remember my values and put my faith in God.

Announcement!!!

I am quite done with THE ARTICLE THAT GOT ME INTO TROUBLE. As promised I will publish it in this blog. I sent it to some friends for editing and final inputs and then I'll post it here, kindly wait for it. Thank you very much...

The end of my writing career

Yesterday, when I went back to the barracks I was called to go to an officer. I was being asked to write something for them. Going back a few hours after and lying on my bed, I can not understand why I am being asked to do something that has caused me to be in trouble. Again, I promise not to give out details but let us just say that I got into trouble over something that I wanted to write. I thought I would be dismissed and I came into something that allowed me to confront my greatest fears. But let me start from the beginning.

I remember how I envy a classmate in high school who writes so well. She had such talents in words that I often find myself carried away by the emotions in her writing. For my part, the writing that I did most of the time then were letters to the editor, complains over school policies and others that almost always are critical to an existing system or entity. Being in the student council then, I find it so easy to rebut issues that my organization is being placed especially when my emotions are running wild in rage over the writers. I hated the writers then.

Then I discovered blogging. Its not like it came out of the blue, the joy of being able to express myself has somehow led me to a feeling of contentment that I have never experienced in my life. At first I only wrote comments about the things that I have seen, later on it became my experiences and in time I was practically writing everything that came into my mind. Through the years I have developed a sense of confidence on the ideas that I write that I no longer care if people like what I write or not, I was just doing it for the pure love of it.

Writing in PMA was another thing. I just finished reading one fantastic book that I decided to write about it (out of boredom that is). When it was done, I did not know what to do with it so I submitted it to the magazine. I had no intention of doing it regularly but soon they were asking me other reviews about books that I've read. I became bolder and bolder in my writing that soon, I was writing everything that came to mind that might suit the taste of the readers of the Corps Magazine. Of course there were also times that I did it for some gain. I once joined a writing contest here in the Academy and won some money which gave me the idea that I can actually get money from it. But generally, through the years I have learned to love writing not just for pure expression but for cleansing of the soul. I do not expect people to understand what I mean but let me just say that it is something that I really want and enjoy doing.

And then my tragedy. Its not like I was thinking of some corrupt idea for something or for someone, I was just doing what I thought was appropriate. Apparently it wasn't that appropriate to some people and everything came down crashing into me. I guess the things that we love the most does not necessarily mean that we are always being rewarded, sometimes the things that we love the most are those that will be used to question the kind of person we are. And I say that they were entirely wrong.

My writing now is confined to this blog and of course to some tasks that they think I can help them with. The irony of it is that despite of them acknowledging that writing is something that I am good at (this is the deduction considering that they are asking me to write their reports, some articles and others) they refuse to allow me to practice the kind of person that I have become because of the talent that I have been endowed. I first thought that the end of my writing career will be something that I will dread. But now, looking at the ideas that I jotted down in preparation for articles that I wanted to write, its not really that bad. I learned that in the end I do not have anything to prove to them and they will never kill my talent no matter what happens. Maybe I am trying to console myself but the truth of the matter is although there is something that they took away from me, my writing career will never end. My ideas will endure as long as people will keep on reading it.

I am not yet so sure if I will do it but I am planning to publish the article that ended my stint at the Corps Magazine in this blog. I'm hoping they (I mean those who stopped me from writing it) will read it. I am hoping that they will restrain me again and this time they will hit me harder, maybe dismissing me. Its not like I was writing something that is prejudicial to the AFP, or was calling for a mass action, I was simply making a good article about a topic that is not even controversial. I know I will be fearful but after going through what I went through, I think I will be able to handle it. If I will be judged because of what I write then be it, at least I am applying something that they taught me.

So I have finally accepted that my stint at the Corps Magazine has ended. I will never write again in that magazine unless they are the ones who will ask me to come back, oh I would love it if it was the person who signed my death warrant (its as if he cared for that magazine). So its the end of something and the beginning of another. May God Bless me.

Silly things and renewed hope

There are plenty of reasons why I write silly things in my blog. One, there are just times that I have silly thoughts that I can not allow to dwell in me. Another is the fact that what kind of person I am if I can not be silly at times. There are still others that I can think of if really I try but I am happy with the two because honestly, writing this entry, I just want to be silly.

My room mates Ipod was borrowed last weekend and it has not been returned yet. The result is that no High School Musical sountrack playing inside our room. I kind of missed it over the weekend but have kind of forgotten all about it when our intramurals began yesterday. My major participation is really just cheering for my company during games but yesterday I kind of felt like joining the hard part of the games. I joined my female classmate when she had the running part of the duathlon (the events are swimming and running) I do not exactly recall how fast we were running the 5.5 kilometer stretch of the gate and back but I enjoyed it considering that I am having a hard time catching my breath in running these days. I am trying my best to run everyday hoping to regain my endurance and to shed of some of the weight I am gaining. I'm sad that all the fats I burned last summer somehow found its way back into my body and I have to take an effort to shed it off again. I am trying my best not too eat too much and take some time to run as often as I could (my initial goal now is to run 5 kilometers a day). Anyway, my life is somehow normal without me really feeling that bad compared to a few weeks ago. I am hoping this will continue.

Now, let me change the topic. Last night, I had an animated chatting session with a friend in Manila. I was telling her about the text message I received from a very special girl in my not so distant past. I was sharing to her how surprised I was because in her text she was like telling me that I was not texting her. To be honest I did, but she did not reply so I guess there was no reason to keep on trying. Well, last sunday it was different. Maybe out of the blue she had nothing to do and she did sent me a text message that reminded me of the wonderful past that we once shared. I have to admit that I was happy that she wanted to get in touch because I did have happy memories with her, but then again it wasn't like I was thrilled. I had so many things going on and somehow placing her in it is totally out of the picture. I guess she will just remain to be a happy memory. Last night, just before I went to sleep, I admitted to my friend (the one I was chatting) that I did love her and perhaps it will never change, she will always be special no matter what but life goes one and she is not part of it for me. I'm not being rude I am just being realistic. I am looking forward to her invitation of seeing me when I get the chance to go out and I am hoping that would be soon.

Anyway, let me also share an insight about something that happened last week. I was actually losing patience over this girl I am writing to every week. I have been contemplating whether or not I was being patient or I was just being dense. Then last monday, something happened. It was one of those ideas where we ask everyone in our phonebook to greet someone special for a special occassion. I wasn't that thrilled because I knew she sent the same message to tons of her friends. But being the "good person" that I am I complied and had some few text messages with her parents. I just have to tell them that their daughter was such a wonderful person. Finally, when I was about to sleep, I kind of remembered the times when I had to escort her around the mall. I remembered the time in SM Baguio when she was looking for some pasalubong for her brother. Then I remembered how she talks about her family and that she just exudes so much joy while she is at it. In one remark I vividly remember when I was in Lipa, she told me not to worry if I get lost anyway "pulis naman si papa." Then it made sense. I guess one can not find someone who values her family so much that it shows in the way she does things. At the point where I was contemplating on how to find the patience I need to go on pursuing her, I found it in one single text message. I slept very comfortably that night with renewed hope.

It has been a while since I was able to write something this long and I am hoping I will have plenty of entries like this. I think this year will be better for me despite of its bad start. I was not into reading last year. I only read Mitch Albom's For One More Day and it was mostly because I can not help it but feel guilty giving it away without having the chance to read it (I read it on the bus going to Baguio and finished somewhere in Pangasinan). Just today though, I just finished my second book in 4 days and I have started a new one. I really feel that its a good sign, I am going back to normal. Well, I am beginning to sound weird I will just have to write more about these things in the future. I love you people

Breaking Free

Remember a time when you wake up in the morning and the first thing you hear is some familiar tune and then you end up singing the tune for the rest of the day. For me now, it has lasted for a week. During the recent Christmas Holidays, my younger sister kept on singing some familiar tune. She had a CD of it and she had it wherever she went to. It was the High School Musical Soundtrack and I can just wonder what the movie was about. Then coming back to Baguio my roommate has an answer to my curiousity -- he had a DVD of the movie (of course together with some others which were really the ones he wanted to watch). To make the long story short, I watched it and have since seen the movie for like five times. That's something considering that for one, computers are now illegal (for the underclass that is) and that its not like I have a lot of free time to spare. But then the movie struck something in me, maybe my love for singing or just this fantasy of going back to high school and having a blast of a good time. In the weekend that followed, my room mates bought the soundtrack and it has been playing inside our room ever since. Now, I am looking forward to the day it will be played in the mess hall while the whole Corps is eating.
I do not know if there is something interesting with teeny movies that has caught the liking of someone who is practicaill living in some isolated place. The truth is that I do not care. But let me just say this. In all of us there will be things that will capture our fancy, things that will just give us that form of comfort and relief. This things may not be necessarily popular to the crowd that we belong to. To everyone, I think there is just this "dark" secret that we keep hidden because it is different but then again more than being entitled to our own individuality is the courage to stand for the things that call our hearts to break free and be the persons according to who we really are.
In Paulo Coelho's the Devil and Ms Prym, the characters of St. Savin (a hermit living near the town of Viscos) and Ahab (the acknowledged founder of Viscos) are somewhat figures that explains my point. Although I do not really want to reveal the story of the book, the thing with this characters is that they somehow illustrate the kind of people we usually are. Although everyone can relate to the other characters in the novel, the two stand-out because they acted on what their heart was calling for. The whole story somehow revolved on the dillema of the inhabitants of Viscos wanting to be accepted in the community. In the clincher, there has to be someone who had to take a bold step, a leap of faith if I may say, to make people understand the value of their own individuality and being the real person that they are. The devil and the gold bars were just stimulus that caused the story to happen the way it happen in Paulo Coelho's novel.
I guess my point in this entry is that although the world that we are in can be vicious to those who try to be different, it is never a reason to be indifferent. Yes we have to deal with society but to lose our individuality along the process is a greater crime that is not only bad but also betrays the person that we were intended to be. I know that I will never be the person that everyone will like or be proud of, but I know that when they do it will be because of who I really am and I'd rather be that person that someone who desperately altered himself for others.

Being not enough -- continued

Last night, there was not enough time to really completely explain my thought on not being enough so I will write the continuation.

I wrote about not being enough, I mean if everything that we do in this world is enought to really get what we want then life wouldn't be that exciting. But more on that let me go back to the things taht I do to keep me busy. Let's take the letters that I have been sending every week to this girl somewhere far. I told myself that if I was true to my feelings and that I will give it my all maybe that would be enough. Now a year after, it seems that nothing is happening. Last year, I also complained about opportunities that I missed. About conferences that I was not given the chance to go despite of my belief that I was more than qualified. I felt then that life was fair and that I will be given what I am due. Later on, I realized that life is not actually fair. We can be the best at everything that we do but we do not have the final say in the outcome of what will happen.

This is the realization that I had in the crisis that I am going through right now. Maybe this is my second blessing -- to be taught that in the end the things that will happen to my life will not be because of what I can do but because it is a Grace from God. No matter how good I will do, no matter how much I try, I will never be certain of the things to come all I can do is submit everything to the will of God believing that He knows best.

The lessons in life is amazing, there is so much mystery in how each of us is taught a lesson that is life changing. I am learning more on submission and I am praying for some more. As I said in the initial stages of this problem in my life, I will come out a better person from this experience, right now I am believing that I am a better person and it has not ended yet. Well that is the beauty of living life...

I guess that is all I can say for now....

Being not enough

Around two weeks ago, I was excited to lead the congregation at church for Praise and Worship. Not only that it will be the first for the year, I was also full of so much pain and I just wanted release all of it. I wanted to find God's purpose on the things that suddenly gripped me when I came back from Christmas break. The Church then had some kind of activity where our pastor invited a Choir from the local UCCP in Baguio. It was to be a worship full of song and that made me uneasy, I guess I felt uneasy singing in front of singers. I made it through my part still unable to understand what I wanted to understand.

The choir that sang generally had older people in it but there was one that stood out. She was beautiful. The moment we saw her, almost all the upperclassmen had ordered at least one underclass to find out her cellphone number. In the duration, I forgot the spiritual thing I wanted to find out. Or so I thought.

In the days that followed, I have exchanged a lot of text messages with her. I learned a thing or two but the thing that stood out really was I enjoyed doing it. I was waiting each day for a text message from her and somehow that alleviated all the feelings that I had over my troubles. Later on, we began to talk about more personal things. Its really easier to confide with people that you do not know, even revealing the gory details of our lives seem to be so easy. Finally, I got this notion that there must be something about this girl.

Last night, I started reading Paulo Coelho's The Devil and Ms Prym. I was again caught by the genius of Paulo Coelho. Yesterday, I came to a thought which I shared with the girl I was talking about. I said that there are certain limitations with communication such as text messaging. After sometime, we realize that when we reach that limit beyond that is no longer believable. At the point when I considered even falling in love with her, I realized that it couldn't be possible, it was beyond the reach of text messaging. I kind of had this thought about this girl I have been writing to every week for the past year and somehow it all connected. At some point, we will realize that the things that we have or the things that we do will not be enough to really get what we want. All the effort I put in writing my letters every week to a girl far away will never be enough just as the text messages I send. It will never be enough because if we are able to depend on what we have and get what we want, then this world would be full of people just trying to be better than each other. At the end of it all, everything will be dependent on something beyond us and all we have to do is believe.

Well, going back to singing in the church and all my problems, I will never be enough. No matter how good I am, or whatever thing I try to do to avoid frustrations, it will never be enough. I will never be enought because if I was then life wouldn't be that exciting and God would not have a place in this world. At the end of it all, I will have to put my faith into something and for me now that something is with God. I will believe in Him, embrace it, and live my life to the fullest.

The Revelation

After a meeting with my Tactical Officer, I received the best news as far as this year is concerned, I just might get through all my problems in one piece.

I promised not to give out details about that problem in this blog and I will abide with that. In the past days, I have encountered a lot of emotions that contend me as I try to deal with my situation. I just had to talk to people and the more I talk about it, the more I understand the situation in relation to how I have become as a person. Yesterday, I was talking to Grace saying that the things that happened in my life have prepared me to face this challenge now. It seemed that although I felt bad with how things happened, I have somehow stored enough faith on things that I am able to go through this whole experience although trembling in fear but with a renewed hope each day. I was not asking for a miracle, I was asking for a revelation on who I am as a person and that is what I got.

You see, I learned that in everything that happens to a life of a person, there is just something that will allow us to exceed our own person and come out a better one. I learned now that my principles stands, although sometimes attacked viciously, as my constant reminder of who I am as a person. It defines me and how I defend it will definitely become a turning point in my life. I do not know how things are in this world. At one point we think that everything is just against us but then again in the end what will matter is the kind of person we are at that point in time and how far are we willing to go to allow God to reveal to us His purpose. In the end we become better people... it really is just a matter of faith.

Well, I am running out of time, I hope to write again about the subject in the future. The bottom line is, God is always Good.... I love you people

The testing of faith and restoration of relationships

I call this experience a test of faith and a restoration of relationships. In the last days, I have had the most fearful episode of my life that I spent most of my time alone crying to myself. I was so afraid of the things that will happen especially that the thing that I love so much, my cadetship, is threatened. Although it is not over yet, by this time I am beginning to see the light and have realized how God has worked in me through this even as I write this entry now.

I haven't been writing so much about faith these past days. When this blog started way back in 2001, almost all my entries were realizations about life and how God has manifested Himself in the things that I do. Lately though, my life has been complacent and most of my thoughts revolved around my frustrations, the things that I want to do and of course the usual way of trying to be interesting being the PMA cadet writing in a blog. I did not notice how I have stagnated in experiencing and practicing my faith to the point that it seemed I do not appreciate all the blessings that I am experiencing. This was my reminder.

Cadetship for me is a highlight in my life. Not only that I struggled to be here (the story is somewhere in the early archives), there was a time that God some kind of told me that this is where he wanted me to be. Not that I expect people to believe me that I heard some voice, but my confidence in my stay here is founded on that promise. I am now on my third year, and since then I have learned so much that each day I am beginning to embrace this profession more and more. Along the process also, my confidence level has increased, sometimes to the point of being proud, simply because I heard a voice. What I have forgotten is that more than a promise, this was in fact a gift from God that I should take care of and should not be complacent about. I realized this now and I had to be reminded the hard way.

Coming back from my Christmas Break last January 2, I was called by a superior and then it seemed that everything might just be taken away. Going back to my room, I spent the next 2 hours crying over it and being so fearful, I was not prepared for my cadetship to be taken away even the thought of it makes me really afraid. It was obvious in my previous entries but I tried my best to live out my faith. I started to pray a lot, read the bible more and asked people to pray for me also. I asked counsel from people that I admire and evaluated myself so that I can deal with this problem. I did not have the choice and I told myself that I will face this problem head-on believing that I will get what I deserve. It was a leap of faith and the biggest that I took in the past years. I started to organize my thoughts and prepared to defend myself. The issue occupied everything of me that I spend so much of my time thinking how to answer questions once the investigation begins. I also imagined scenarios and how to go about them. Finally, I prayed and asked people to pray for me. I wasn't myself in the past days and everytime I am left alone, I begin to cry and talk to God.

The other day, while I was expressing my fears to my father through text messaging I realized something. You see, I have had the most difficult relationship with my father. Growing up, I blamed so much of what has happened to my life to him and it was only lately that I started to patch things up for them. But being here in PMA, I really do not have so much opportunity to bond with him and I do not feel comfortable being mushy with him in text messages and letters. I realized that this was my opportunity(and his also) to show how I love him. In our exchange of text messages, I realized that I felt good as he comforts me and guides me with what I can do. I felt that in this testing of my faith, we had the opportunity to show how much love we have for each other. After a few exchanges, I wasn't very much concerned anymore with my problem rather I was more concerned of telling him how happy I was that he was with me in this crisis and how he has made a difference in the way things are no matter how things will end up. Amidst my problem, God was restoring a relationship that had to be restored so that I can be a better person.

Things have not yet settled although it is looking up. Last night, I received some wonderful counsel and had some concrete assurance that everything will turn out well. But more than my problem being resolved, there are more lessons that I learned. I now consider this experience as God's way of testing my faith and restoring my relationship with my father. I am now truly thankful that He allowed me to go through this experience. My fears now are not as big as before. Although I find myself still wondering every now and then, what has become so obvious in this whole experience is that God manifesting himself amidst trials and assuring me that everything is in his control. This afternoon, I had the most comfortable sleep since I went back from Christmas break. Amidst my problems, God does comfort those who put their faith in Him.

For each of us, we will have moments in our lives where everything will be shaken. We will have to come into terms with realities that we are not ready to confront and yet do not have the choice. But in all these things, I now learned that in each of the trials, problems, temptations and other bad things that happens in our lives is an opportunity for God to manifest Himself and work in our lives. I now learned that no matter how things are the best way to deal with things is put our faith in God, allow him to manifest Himself and let Him do His wonder. I am so much excited of how things will end and somehow I am hoping that a lesson or two can be learned from my experience. God does work in mysterious ways.

Thank you God!!!

The first blessing

I am afraid. Last night, I had to ask some underclassmen to be with me in the room as my three room mates went on their Environmental Science Field Trip. I do not trust myself when alone, I can not stop thinking about the crisis that is happening in my life right now. I can not get it off my head and very often I end up crying to myself and be very very afraid. In truth, I am afraid that I just might get dismissed.

As I said before, I do not want to go into the details of my problem, that might put me into more trouble but I just have to write my thoughts and the realizations that I had out of my problems. Last night, I told my father how afraid I was. I told him how I cried myself to sleep, I told him all of my fears. You see, my father has not been that good of a listener to problems, but at that instant I could feel how concerned he was. Suddenly I told him that I am just so happy to go through this knowing that he is with me all the way. I guess instead of dealing with all my fears and the sadness I have, there are still good things that come with this problem of mine and last night I realized that it was God's way of reminding me of my father. I realized how different it has been before with my relationship with my father and God is showing me how important it is. This thing is far from over but as early as now, the blessings are already revealing itself. Although still fearful, I am thanking God that He is able to show me these things amidst my problem and I am still hopeful that He will show me more. Thank you God and be with me as I go through this.

I will count all of the blessings I will find in my problems and will thank God in everything... God, I'm yours....

Hoping

I suddenly find myself looking at nothingness wondering how all of my problems will be solved. I still have not idea and what is keeping me from giving up is a promise that I believe deep in my heart. I do not really expect people to agree with me but at this point in my life that is all what I have. I promised myself that I will give it all I've got... I will get through this... I will...

My Blessed Assurance

Today is like the lowest time of my life. I wanted to cry because of al the things that are happening. I do not want to go into details as this would cause me more trouble I will just have to realease my feelings without really discussing the reason why I am feeling such.

In New Year's Eve, I attended church at CCF at the back of SM Megamall. I do not remember anymore the last time I was there and the church itself changed a lot from the last time I saw it. I always look forward to the message in this church because more often I am able to gather a thing or two that applies to my life, this time was no exception. You see, I have always believed that life is fair, I mean inasmuch as many disagree with that perception I have experienced so much already in my life that lead me to believe that it is true. But last New Year's Eve, Vince Burke (the preacher) introduced to me a new idea. He said that according to the Bible, life is not fair. He said that if life is fair then we all go to die in Hell because we are all sinners. The new idea was that by the Grace of God, we actually get more than we deserve. Well, that was a major leap from my original belief system and no matter how I try not to believe it, it seems true and due to the things that are happening in my life right now, that just might be true.

Oftentimes, at the point when we have become so comfortable with our lives, it is shaken. That is how I consider my life now. My year began with the biggest frustration I have experienced since the time I was discharged 6 years ago. I will never claim that I am the perfect cadet. I had my share of laxities, stupidity and other bad things that I did, but I can confidently say that I am never bad. I can honestly say, in all conviction, that I have tried my best to be worthy of my place here. And so at the point when I thought everything was going well, I am shaken. I am shaken because everything that I do has an effect in the larger society that I exist upon which I do not have control. No matter how honest and noble my intentions are, there will never be an assurance that all will be well as in my case now. In my soul searching, as I try to contemplate with my present problem, I am amazed that I can find so much energy and faith in myself even if the odds are not in my favor. I am misty eyed that although the very things that I value the most are threatened, I can still face my problems with pride armed with a sense of peace that I never intended to harm anyone. I am glad that at a time when things are not looking up, I will have the opportunity to practice my faith and accept that things will not be in my terms but will be part of God's plan for me. I have come to realize that all the heartaches I have had, the circumstances taht I went through were all part of preparing me for this day. I know that my faith will be my weapon and that God will be my protector. When everything has settled down, however this one ends up, I know that I will come out a winner... as God promised I will get MORE than what I deserve. I hope that people will pray for me.

A New Year thought

Tonight, I will be going back to Baguio ending my Christmas Break. By Wednesdsay, I will be back in my cadet uniforms and life will go back to normal again waiting for the next break come graduation week. Life does fly so fast and in my state of nostalgia right now, all I can do is to be reminiscent of the things and somehow try to assess what has happened to me as a person in the past year or years if possible.

My vacation this Christmas was filled with meeting people and talking about topics that I like to talk about the most. For most of these people that I had so much fun chatting with, they were those who got curious about my personality thinking that mine is a contradiction to the expected behaviour of a typical cadet. That could be a good thing because it allowed me to enjoy free dinner and free coffee, on top of that I get to have a glimpse of the differences in people's personality. I am able to learn more about people and help me improve in understanding them. I discovered that people can teach us so many things it is just a matter of being sensitive and observant. I also learned that to be really honest will entail some kind of risk on being liked but in the end those that will remain your friends are definitely the ones who has accepted you for who you really are.

My life also has took a sudden turn in the love arena. The other day, while travelling from Novaliches going to Makati, Daddy asked me about this topic. Not that he was preying on my affairs, it was a natural question since unlike most of my other siblings, I have not been introducing to them or telling them about the romantic interests of my life. I can just laugh at my father, but I know that he was concerned, not that it was something to be concerned about, he was really just feeling that he's getting old and would love to see us well taken cared of. And so in most of the time that I was by myself or while I hate the fact that Clark Kent can not trust Lana Lang that she will accept him (I did a marathon of the Smallville Series), thoughts of my status in that area wallows inside my head while I try my best not to entertain the thought much. Well, something is happening and I completely have no idea how its going to be. I guess to really give it entails that I have to feel the sense of uncertainty and every time I have time for myself that uncertainty lingers in my head.

You see, its really not that easy to be so ideal about this love thing. Some people have said that I can be so good at rationalizing the whole romance thing but I have to admit that its far from practicing it. I always claim that when I start to feel something, my reason is clouded and just like all human beings I go on auto mode. About a few days after I went back from Lipa, a thought haunted me. I came home sometime before midnight and was not able to sleep until early in the morning. The thought was about really loving unconditionally. For some reason, I kind of felt that to love is to love unconditionally and that to be reciprocated for it is a Grace from God. I felt that if I was to become very cautious, I do not allow God to work on this area of my life. And so I decided to say my feelings all out. It wasn't some fancy plan, I just want to tell her how it really is. Now, I wonder how its going to be. Although I pray to God that what I want will happen, I still accept that it will never be in my terms. Maybe in time I'll be more comfortable with that reality.

And so a new year begins. I am beginning to feel the change in me through the years. Life is becoming more and more daunting as it reveal its more serious aspect each day. The childish things that I use to dwell so much before is leaving me and I could see how the change is making me a totally different person. But then again, I am confident that life will be according to a plan that has a deep sense of purpose to make me a better person. I am embracing the future, remembering the past, guided by its lessons and looking forward to the unknown that lies ahead. The adventure is getting better and better.... Happy New year everyone!!!