Just when I thought I'm through with it

How bad can it really get? When I went out of my classroom earlier today, I was devastated. I just had to deal with the fact that I just failed another Lesson Exam. The highest score I think I could get on that exam is perhaps 3.0, maybe 4.0 if I just get lucky. A month of hardwork lowering that deficiency. From 13.0 it went to 2.4 and then in just two lesson exams I think it will be back to where it started or even bigger. I just couldn't help it but feel really really bad over Calculus. I was a guard yesterday and I was totally unaware of the lesson. I had to ask my classmates to explain to me something that they themselves do not understand, in the end I was doomed. I am dismayed with how things are going on. All my other subjects are in fact for exemption and then this subject threatens all my plans for a good break when the term ends sometime early July. Of course, I'm still confident that things will just be better as the day passes but the fact that I am in this state still gives me the creep that I might just change the name of this blog from "diaries from Melchor Hall" to "diaries OUTSIDE of Melchor Hall" I'm sorry if I have to express my frustration in this blog, maybe after this I can smile about what has happened. I know what to do, I just have to get away with the sadness I am feeling right now, maybe next time I will he able to report something good for a change, for now absolute maxima and absolute minima will haunt me, and I hope not for long.....

Help!!!

do I have to deal with the fact that I just have to take an exam totally unaware of the lesson because I had to be a guard? Just when my deficiency is going down, I just have to contend myself with the reality that I have just finished another uncertain exam...... Oh Calculus.......

A tribute to the fallen comrades

Its confirmed, 2Lt Vinluan who graduated two months ago was ambushed and died. That makes 8 PMA'ers who died since April of this year. I do not really understand how I feel right now. I could just feel this sense of deep loss everytime we here the dreaded one minute prayer just before we eat our meals. For the eighth time now, I just have to contend myself with the reality that the moment we get out of this hallowed grounds, we may be the next ones that the cadets that will come after us whose departed soul they will dedicate another one minute prayer to... and then it continues, life goes on as if it's just a natural occurence. In reality though, its not as simple as that. When we continue our lives, we understand that our life here is not what it is all about, we realize that at the end of the day, we will be engaging ourselves to a life where not everyone will want to do, we will try our best not to die performing our duties as protectors of the land. At least we can try.

I developed a deep sense of loss when I learned about this recent news. It was barely two months when I saw him sang the alma mater song one last time as a cadet, and then the rest is history. One time, I was arguing with a classmate about something that he insists on doing even if it was kind of wrong. I listened to his reason and said just one thing, when we go out here our decisions may mean the life of the soliders we are leading and if we do not decide well, we will forever be haunted by the what ifs and the thought of a father or husband lost because of our decision. Well, now I felt that truer when I listened to the deafening silence as each cadet say their one minute prayers to a fallen comrade. I felt sad knowing that when the time comes I, too, will make decisions that will dictate whether a soldier following me will live to see another firefight. Its an inevitable reality, something that I will just have to deal with.

For those who do not understand what I am saying, they can just go on with their lives rant about alleged corruption of military men, brutally criticize the failures of one military unit and campaign for the abolishment of my alma mater. I am not saying that that they should stop doing what they do, I just hope that to a certain extent they give us the benefit of a little sensitivity. I hope that before they try and criticize, they think about the hundreds of lives lost (that they never heard about) so that they can enjoy their right to criticize anyone they please. It saddens me that they never bothered to hail those who left their families to be able to perform their duties as protectors of this land. It saddens me further that they go on with their lives not realizing that the very reason they can go on with their lives is because of soldiers that chose to fight for their interest.

And so, life continues, each of us will leave our lives and it will be our choice whether or not we will touched by the sacrifices of those who have laid their lives for us. As for me, I will not even try to forget the lives of this people. It will be because of them that I will try my best to make good at my training hoping that someday I may say that their death was not in vain, I pray you do the same.

A recap on my "experiment"

Last night after I typed my "so-called" experiment, I was running so fast so that I can go back to my room in time for the last note of the bugle sound that marks TATTOO inspection. After settling down, I was thinking about how my experiment went. I realized that I really do have so much to say if I am just allowed to say it. The six minutes that I had was actually very short and yet I was able to type so much ideas. Imagine, I remembered watching Brighton Beach Memoirs and I watched it when I was in 3rd year high school. Then I remembered how enjoyable my slumber was that afternoon. It was actually raining very hard and I was hoping that a friend would visit me, but then again she did not come so I decided that I will just sleep the afternoon away. Then the rain started and the climate became so conducive to sleeping. When I woke up aroung 4 o'clock to pee, I was very very sleepy still that I think I was not able to greet some upperclass that I saw while walking towards the sink. When I came back to my bunks, I just continued to sleep as if I never really woke up. Well that was fun.

Anyway, I learned from that experiment that I really have so much to say about everything. I think if I was given a day or something to just write whatever it is that I want I will be able to write a novel of some sort. The whole day yesterday, I was having this feeling of just wanting to write anything. When I went back to barracks after eating my lunch I just wanted to sit in front of the computer, but then I fell asleep. Finally, when study period came, I just sat on my chair then started to read 20 questions (its actually a play that won a Palanca in 2003, I suggest you read it if you still haven't just click the link). After that, I then felt the urge again to write, then my room mate started acting out a play from our Literature Book. It was fun and as I said it reminded me of a play I watched in the distant past. All in all, the experiment validates the flow of ideas. How fun spontaniety is, and of course it just confirms how wild my mind can be at times. Well if you think there are still others that I missed about the experiment, just comment..... maybe next time I'll think of some other wild idea.

6 minutes

I'm doing this experiment. I have around five minutes to type anything before I have to rush to my room for tattoo inspection.

Earlier today I slept the whole afternoon, enjoying the cool baguio climate thanks to the rain that was so good to people like me. I had a nice time reading a play with my room mate something that reminded me of the Brighton Beach Memoirs that I saw when I was in High school. I'm typing very fast so that I can beat time. I hope we'll be allowed to go out when the firstclass will go down to Manila for Independence day. I hope to see the people that I want to see, I hope I can unwind just for a day. Anyway my time is up, I'll do a recap tomorrow :)