Change of heart

Change of heart.
That is how all love stories happen. Even in the world of fairy tales, the happily ever after always comes after a change of heart and the once upon a time is always a beginning of a change of heart. In any given day, each person goes about what they have to do, try to be what they should be and as they sleep they are contented ready for the next day, the next usual day. But there comes a time when suddenly we do not feel that it was a usual day, suddenly we have this premonition that something great took place or that something just change, something from the heart.
In one regular day, I woke up excited of new opportunities that are ahead of me. After series of preparations, finally I’m set to do what I have to do. So many people were expecting too much and as for me, I just wanted to go away from the life that I have become bored of. The day was normal. The place was perfect. From across the lake lay a majestic place. A place that was definitely a getaway from everything, for me it was a getaway to reality.
My life is lonely. I say this now because although I know very well that I am where I should be, I feel lonely about it. Sometimes when the skies are clear at night, I walk under the stars, thinking if I could continue being like this. I think about things that I miss, I think about loneliness. I think about life. I think about so many things, so many things that are out of my reach. Nowadays, I think more about romance. In the past days and months, I have missed being in love, being romantically in love. It’s not as if it something that has made me lesser of a person. In fact, my life goes on as if nothing really has changed in me. But each day, as I go on with my life, I find myself looking across oblivion, my mind wandering, my heart beating. I just realized that I want to fall in love, the question is with whom.
On that regular day I was talking about, I had this some kind of a vision. I felt that I was doing something for some reason, I felt more than anything that something was in store for me and just everything was just in its proper place. Several years ago I had the same feeling. My dreams are so out of reach, all I had was the will to pursue it. But despite being in that situation, I know that something was in store for me. I knew that what lies for me in the uncertain future is something that is wonderful. I know that I will get my dream. And so on that fateful day, I felt fate was unfolding right before my eyes. It was indeed fate.
One time I asked my classmate. Do you really think that what we are doing right now is the thing that we should do? Do you see yourself as someone who is just at the place where you are supposed to? Do you believe that all of these are what your life should be? The answers to all questions were on the affirmative. That will also be my answer if in case at that moment; I was asked all three questions. But then I did not know what all the feelings I had was about, all I knew was I was were I was supposed to.
The feeling did not change that much but on the second day I began to understand what my feeling was about. Early that morning, I woke up from my slumber. It must have been my body clock because I realized that everyone was still very much asleep and the time was still very early. Although I was a little tired from the previous night, all my senses were already active and I could hear the breathing of the sleeping people around me. I started to rise from the bed, went outside and looked at the horizon, it was a beautiful day and it wasn’t raining like the night before. When I went back inside the room I saw her, she was a beauty. You see, its not as if I did not notice it before. Everyone would agree with me that indeed she had the most beautiful face in that part of the world at that time. But on that moment as I entered the room, there was this radiance that I never saw before. As I continue to look at her, studying every detail that was visible from that distance and my failing eyesight, I realized that what was happening was divine. It was that feeling when a person realizes that he is a witness to something that is an act of God. Nobody knew, even I was confused.
These past days, I started to hate the way my life is organized. I like meeting people, sharing my life with them, but with my life now, that is simply impossible. Everyday, my home is packed with people from all parts of the world, from all walks of life. People come take pictures of them. Sometimes I wonder what the goal of everything that they are doing. The set-up of my life denies me of the possibility of meeting people beyond what is superficial. I meet people, enjoy my time with them, we depart from each other’s company and we depart from each other forever. After that meeting, it stops there and I will never be able to understand the purpose of that meeting in the first place. Isn’t life supposed to be shared with people?
After that magical moment, I tried to deny the feeling. I mean if this was to be another of those instances when after everything it stops there, I’d rather not try to understand the feeling. But little by little it begins to take shape by itself. As if it is how things should be, I begin to realize that this is something that I can not allow to stop. The dreamer that I am just can not give up, especially when the things that have occurred just change me. It was in short a change of heart. I can not fully comprehend it, but what I do know is that this is the beginning of something wonderful. Just like my feeling before, I just know.
A change of heart is how everything begins and for me now that change of heart is what propels me to start dreaming and to continue being a dreamer. This is not some foreign place, I’ve been here and just like before, believing in dreams is never wrong. When the heart starts to initiate something, there must be a valid reason. Perhaps our understanding is limited, perhaps its just how it should be, but in the vastness of reality, in a world that has come to believe that everything can be understood perhaps dreaming is the way to do it. Perhaps.

Loneliness

The loneliness is deafening, isolation a dreaded feeling. That is my feeling as I begin to ponder on the things that had been troubling me for quite a time. In several occasions, I find myself wide awake in the middle of the night thinking of the things that I wanted to do. About happy moments that will only be possible when away from this sort of prison I am into. Memories of people I could imagine myself having fun with and sharing my life with them. Women that just mesmerized me, beautiful beings that have at some point brought forth this new hope on things that will happen in the future. The more I think about these things, the more I hate the idea of being in this place. I hate the fact that I had to leave people that I care behind and embark on a never ending battle with academics, demerits and yes… loneliness; loneliness that seems to little by little sink in deeper into the chambers of my heart, into the innermost facets of my identity as a person. As I stare at nothingness during those occasions, I wonder if I could continue on being like this, if yes then for how long?
The door suddenly opens. It was a classmate asking me about something that he needed. I gave a quick reply and went back to what I was thinking about. Yes, it was loneliness, the unbearable loneliness I have felt all of a sudden. When I clicked the icon in the computer, a blank page stared at me. It seemed exactly the way I feel at the precise moment. It was bare, just plain white and simply boring. The sides are black and then after that its gray and then the scrollbars and finally, it was the edge of the screen and then nothing. Taking the laptop as it is, the more I look towards the sides the more it becomes gloomy, the more it becomes sad, the more that I wanted to cry. So I begin to write my thoughts, to write my feelings, to write everything that my heart feels. Somehow, it delights me that little by little, the white page begins to have other details, other objects. It is no longer bare, yet it is still boring. In it are just mere words, filling it up. Sadly, the words are expressions of loneliness, expression of longing, it becomes sadder… sadder and sadder.
The door opens again. I quickly make out some more words, rise from my seat, then go somewhere, perhaps in a little while, I can change the tide of these expressions, perhaps after sometime it will become happier…. Happier and happier.

In a little while…still sad… until the next day

A few weeks back, I had this opportunity of meeting a very beautiful lady. The fact that she was a beauty queen was something that instantly gave her the “it” factor. When she left, my friends came asking me all sorts of question. They were as impressed as I was the difference was that I get to have her number. My being mesmerized by her lasted for a few more days, anticipating the next time she’ll be sending another text message. I decided I wanted to take a second look so I followed her to Cebu. We had dinner and then some little chitchat and then I went back to my life. In a week’s time, I was back to my reality. Back when everything you do is dependent on a schedule done by a higher authority. A life were everything has to be in order and expression is not given much importance. A place were obedience is a way of life. Yes, the uniforms are impressive. I am en route to a bright future as she would put it on one of her text messages. While reading that message I taught, a bright future were some of my regrets would be not knowing if the people I met were worth keeping as friends for life. A successful career wondering if I already met my soul mate but due to the circumstances just allowed the person to pass me by. I wonder which of the options are better. I wonder if I’ll ever know. The thought is sad… it becomes sadder and sadder.

The page now has more words, more expressions, yet still it’s sad. I look around, everybody is not here. At a distance, I hear the sound of the band. The parade is going on and I’m pretty sure the people watching are again impressed. Perhaps they too would want to be in my place if given the chance. They start to dream not knowing that with that dream is the possibility of sadness, of loneliness, of desperation. Some of them might just make it here and be one of us. They will meet me and think that I am well accomplished; a very bright future looms ahead of me. I give them orders; I teach them the things that I should teach them. I do my job. But in occasions that I walk along the Flirtration walk alone, I wonder if doing my job was enough to remove this feeling I have. I wonder if the thing that I teach them is enough to lessen the chances that they too will feel the same anguish I have.

Yesterday, I received a text message. In that message it was clear that she has a boyfriend. Another surge of emotions rushes into my consciousness. I then wonder how bad things can really be. Suddenly all hope is gone. The right thing should be to let her stay with her boyfriend, not to interfere, to help her strengthen that relationship. I am in this place trained to do the right thing. Trained to do what is correct even if sometimes I have to sacrifice some of the things I want. I suddenly realize that perhaps sadness is one of those sacrifices. Maybe letting go is another. I wonder what are the others. Again, the thought is sad… it becomes sadder and sadder.

The parade is over. The barracks has come to life. Cadets are again everywhere. I wonder if at the end of this page everything will be over just like the parade. I wonder if I will also come to life after all of the so many things that have happened. I recall all the things that I wrote. Maybe in the future, it will really come to life; just like how it was with the so many experiences I had in the past. In some distant future, things do happen. Events become unbearable, life becomes sad. But then, empty pages are filled up, parades finally over and places coming back to life. I realized it is never always sad. Some things are like roller coaster rides, others seems hopeless, but really in everything the best is yet to come. I smiled at that realization. Perhaps even if the thoughts are sad, it does not become sadder and sadder; perhaps it becomes less sad every time.

Yes, loneliness is deafening, but hope hums while there is breath. My thought returns to that beautiful lady and I smiled. Nothing just beats a sight to behold, a beauty that captures one’s soul to last forever. With the thought, I no longer hear loneliness because I now listen to hope. I’m contented with how the page was filled up. The other pages will be filled up by time and maybe someday I will look back and wonder why I even listened to loneliness.

The silence of the phone

I never realized how important my cellphone have become. A long long time ago, I was one of those who owned a cellphone when it was still 'hip" to own one. It was then a kind of a status symbol, and it was only Globe that had the short message service (it's the correct name of what we know as text messaging). There was also no limit then to the text messages you can send as long as your balance is at least 50 pesos, you can just text all you want. And then came the cellphone rush until finally everyone has it. Now it becomes some sort of a necessity. When one meets another person it is always assumed that he or she has a phone, back then I have to say that I had a phone where they can call me anytime. I realized now that back then it was very simple to meet people. You agree to meet at 8 o'clock and then you meet each other at 8 o'clock, now when you agree to meet at a certain time, early in the morning you will receive a text message reminding you of your meeting. About an hour before you are to meet, you will again receive a text message reminding you of your meeting in ano hour. Thirty to Fifteen minutes before the time, you again receive a text message saying "san ka na?" About five minutes before your meeting, you receive another text message saying "sorry, I got caught in traffic, hintay ka lang sandali." Finally about 30 minutes after your agreed time, you meet and you felt that it was alright because at least you were updated about his or her whereabouts. The fact that the person was late will never be discussed and life goes on.

Before, I use to receive lots and lots of letters from people all over. I received some from my mother who was in the States then, from my father who was somewhere around the country, a girl that I was once madly in love with, some friends from another island and the list goes on. Now, there's only one person who writes me letters and all because we understood the "personalizeness" of letters through the postal system. In the early days of text messaging, I decided that I will be unique, when I first had a cell phone, I told myself that I will always text in straight sentences and correct spelling and grammar. Back then I felt it was to be unique, later on I realized that I may just be the only one doing it. I understood why some of the children now have difficulty learning spelling. Above all, I understood why people have come to neglect the beauty of human emotion, of sincerity and respect to other people. Picture this, nowadays, the phone has become too impersonal that we even bother get in touch with people we do not really know. We do not care about who they really are, we do not care a thing, what matters is we enjoy what we are doing. Men who court women, no longer think of bright ideas to impress the girl instead, he looks for the best quotes and sends her text messages every now and then to ask if she has eaten, if she's all right, what she is doing and all this sort of thing. The saddest thing is that women fall for this. And then there is this I love you mwah mwah, that is saved in one of the templates in the phone that the a person sends to his or her loved one just in case he feels like saying it. Gone were the lines of pure poetry, lines that came directly from the heart whispered into the ear of a beautiful princess while you held her tight in your arms wishing that it would last forever. Today, people will admit to really knowing a person by mere exchange of text messages, sometimes even saying that they have fallen in love. Sadder still is the fact that they are so carried away by that set-up that they liken it to classic fairy tales that we have learned to love. My goodness, what is happening to the world? First and foremost, before prince charming was able to kiss sleeping beauty he had to fight the wicked witch. Before the prince found snow white he had to fight dragons. Before Alladin found Jasmine, he had to do something extraordinary like beating Jafaar. Now, its as simple as borrowing words and sending it for one peso per message. I realized that there are just things that were lost, things that I hope could be found again.

Every now and then, I feel bad over the silence of my phone. At this moment, I feel sorry for myself because not one of my friends bothered to even text me a simple good morning or good afternoon. I feel bad because I know I have so much to say to a person, about how I truly feel, about how much I cared for them, about how I appreciate the fact that they are part of my life, but then the phone is not just the thing to express this things. The phone is a tool that has made communication simpler but it is never able to evoke the bounty that can only be found in a genuine person. I like to say I love you to people, telling them that life was different when I met them, but noone seems to listen nowadays, all they hear are the beeps of their phones and yet they wonder why their life is so miserable. Well, sometimes try listening to the silence of the phone perhaps deep inside, you'll hear your heart beating, beating according to what is really important in this world.

Rethinking what it takes

I started to rethink things about what it takes for a person to be able to make a difference of what we do as people. I am now in a Leadership Institute at the majestic place of Caliraya Re-Creation Center across Caliraya Lake overlooking Laguna de Bay. The beauty that abounds me just seems so perfect that I can not help it but be in a contemplative mood.

When I first arrived here, I hated the fact that I was given a responsibility that I do not know if I can take. I felt that it was forced on me and my group and that it was some kind of a blackmail on our part dragging along the name of my institution. I realized that for some people they have this set of expectations over our identity as cadets and I hated this. But then I realized that a responsibility is given whether it is forced or not is an opportunity to stand out, something that determines if whether or not a person is worthy to be relied upon on times of crisis. So the journey begins.

Meeting people is one of the joys I derive from my experiences as I move around. Bringing along with me some of the things I know and hoping to learn more. I met beautiful people. At first I felt that I was limited to knowing a few people but later I realized that this is how it should be. I felt that for some of the other people that are here, when they leave, they will forever forget the people that made the experience worthwhile. For me, I will have people that I will share fond memories with regardless if we end up really being friends. That is the sad thing about my existence, I meet people, know them, realize that they can be friends for life and then I go back to my life and be forced to pretend that nothing changed. The truth is, in every person that I meet, something in me has changed forever. Like this time in Caliraya, I met three lovely ladies and their teacher. One taught me that, language can bring damage even if you do not mean it. My being loud and all that has its disadvantages, I say too much that sometimes I am unaware that some of the words I use offend them. I hope she reads this. In PMA there are some words that have been incorporated in our lingo that we forget that it is offensive to others who do not speak our language, words like ungas are common expressions that basically mean that you got something wrong that is why you are ungas. When I say ungas ka, it simply means that you got something wrong. For that I am sorry. And then this one lady was so silent but when you get to see how she deal with things she's actually someone that you can learn many things. I was amazed with the way she delivered her extemporaneous speech, I just said she's great. And then there is this another lady who was simply like an angel but not most angel that I meet. I mean, here in PMA there are many angels, beautiful people but with nothing in between their ears as in nothing. With this girl, she just had the brains that go with her looks. At least I finally met one of those that have the beauty and brains. And then their teacher, who although she was the some kind of the "adult" in the group was also a very good companion. I enjoyed sharing to her my ideas on so many things, it was one of the conversations that I haven't had for the longest time. You see, PMA is like a world of pretensions, it is as if everybody is trying to show to people that they do not have a soft side, topics always had to be something that would validate ones superiority or ones better qualities. We do not talk about romance, about love even about God and to think this are some of the most important issues in our life.... And so what happens after all those... I wonder, I wonder if I can just go on with this routine finding people and then losing them. This is sad... I wonder if this is what it takes to fulfill a dream? I hope that by the time I get my dream all these people are still there.....Well that's life and I'm still hoping that everything will turn out well....

Leap of Faith

It's my third day back in Manila from the province and I am still mesmerized although not that much compared to when I first arrived. A few days back I seem to be completely restless, I do not know how to handle things for it was really quite a while since I last contemplated on something that involves or maybe "leads" to romance. No matter how I try to rationalize it, something in me just tells me that I have to do something and that is what I call my leap of faith.

In the last blog, I considered going to Cebu a leap of faith. It was not something that was part of the plan but I did. I figured that if there was to be something that will happen between me and that beauty I met, there should just be something more than our initial meeting amidst all the loud party we found ourselves into. And so I decided that there has to be another meeting. I wondered how it was going to be, I mean considering that she was somebody that seemed to be kikay and all that. But then, she came to see me in simple T-shirt and jeans which kind of gave me some assurance that she wasn't some showgirl who goes around looking like some primadonna and enjoying every bit of attention she's getting. I realized that I wouldn't be having problems going with her since I wouldn't look some servant following her. I have to admit that my fashion sense (if I had any) has deteriorated after being in PMA so I find it really hard to dress often wondering if I do not look some "taong grasa". So we talked and talked and I was particularly paying attention to the thoughts that I was sharing wanting to show things that I would like people to know about me. But then again, there is not much to say to people who I just recently met. I do not know what kind of things they like, what kind of people they like. I do not know but at some point I feel like something here is unreal and if my instincts are right I still had to create an impact so great that I will be taken seriously by this beauty. Now I wonder how I'm going to do this, with me here in Manila and to go back to Baguio in a few days. I do not know if I'm doing the right thing by calling her up every now and then, sometimes I feel that it seems I am becoming desperate also knowing that I am bordering between being sweet and a nuisance. I am also considering so many possibilities and I do not know which one is true. But then again, when I contemplate on things I realize that at the end of all these things knowing that intentions had been good althroughout kind of gives me that peace of mind that my leap of faith is not in vain. And so I continue to wonder whether or not something good will come out of whatever it is that I am doing. Well.......????