Chigi Chigi

That's the new word I learned from the MAAP cadet that was rommed with me when they visited PMA for an immersion tour. Apparently, it was the international term for prostitute, sex for sale. The MAAP cadet that I was talking about had been to different ports in the world and he said that anywhere in the world if you say the term they will take you to the prostitution dens in that locality. Well, that was some new information...

Today, I am again flooded with emotions because of the season. Tomorrow will be our last daysof classes so all my subjects for today are the last for this year. When we were dismissed in my Economics class, instead of the usual, "form properly outside", or "your assignment for next meeting is..." the instructor simply said Merry Christmas everyone. Wala lang it was really fun and I was singing Christmas Carols going back to the Barracks....

So anyway. to everyone MERRY CHRISTMAS

You must love me...

I do not know what came into my mind when I wrote the title. It's fast becoming a habit that I write something in the topic and try my best to squeeze out something from my mind regarding the title that I wrote so as usual, bear with me because I will try my best to make something out of the ideas I have on my head.

In the past days I have been so sentimental on so many things. After arriving from Laguna Monday night of last week, I kind of felt that I was still in the trance. The bugle sound of tattoo was an unwelcome signal that I was really back in Baguio and back to my real world. I really did have a blast in Laguna and perhaps that is why I felt so bad at going back to Baguio realizing how much fun I could have if I wasn't some cadet. But then I wouldn't have fun in Laguna if I wasn't a cadet, I wouldn't even be there in the first place. The feeling continues until the next day as I eat my breakfast, the Christmas Carols just filled the mess hall and again I was nostalgic, I remembered so many things like carolling, talking to people, wrestling with my brothers, talking to my late mother on the phone, writing letters to people, walking under the stars and singing my favorite songs as if nothing mattered, crying over an article from some magazine, being amazed with the so many good books one can find inside unheard of bookstores, daydreaming about my recent crush, watching mushy movies that people never imagined I watch, running around the village with our labrador macy, eating KFC as if it was my last meal, walking around the mall alone and trying my best to contain my disgust about how some people try their best to look good, contemplating on things that have happened and being thankful that life still continues..... I can go on and on thinking about so many things the finally it snapped, I really was in PMA. There was no mother... she's dead; I can't wrestle with my brothers... we're adults now; no letters to write... everybody wants to text; no time to daydream... there are so many things to do; no running around the village with a dog... PMA is not a village and cadets are not allowed to have dogs; No KFC... just Bowling's Fried Chicken; No malls... just Post Commisary... and the list goes on and on too. In the end I can just be sentimental about all this things and at some point feel bad.

But then again, I remember all the good things I was enumerating earlier. I remember how it was so hard back then just to imagine wearing the cadet uniform, I remembered how my mother inspired me to put family above all other considerations, I remembered how I cried over the Alma Mater song thinking that I may just not be able to call it MY Alma Mater, I remembered people like Hiyas and Shiela that just seemed to have this unending patience over me thatI can't imagine how life would have been if I haven't met these two ladies (to their boyfriends, pasensya kayo mas mahal pa rin nila ako har har har). I remember my young niece biruin mo magkamukha sila ng kuya ko kababae nyang tao.... :) I remember my crush wala lang nangangarap lang malay mo may mapala ako... I therefore conclude... He must love me

See, it makes sense, I think now is the time to count our blessings and look at it as inspirations to go on and smile despite of the things we do not feel about. God must have really loved me that I can be so happy even at thinking about all the things that have happened in my life.....

Christmas Plans

Last night while we were practicing the songs that we are going to sing for this year's one 1oo night Show..... ooops.. I haven't posted anything about the show..... well let me explain....

The 100 night show is an annual production conducted by the cadets of the Philippine Military Academy. Traditionally, it is done 100 days before the graduation of the graduating class through the years it has evolved to a production that is also open to the public. This year as always, I'm part of the show as a member of the Glee Club (well that's what I do, walang pakialamanan)

Anyway, as I said, while we were practicing the songs that we are going to sing, I kind of felt eeky as I listen to our songs. Being the cadets that we are, most of the songs were love songs, songs that have become timeless because of the emotions that it evokes. I remembered vividly how wonderful the feeling was while we were singing Pasko na Sinta ko and Kailangan Kita, it adds more to the already piled up emotions that I have been feeling lately. I am so excited to go home for Christmas break, I no longer want to go to Cebu, I think I will have a blast in Manila considering that I have a new pamangkin (grabe hindi ko pa yata nabanggit that my eldest brother's wife gave birth to a daughter) in the person of Beatriz Alynn(I find it weird actually parang mayaman, feeling ko magiging maarte yung pamangkin ko pag tanda). Then plus my new friends that are in Lipa, lakwatsa na naman since I haven't been to Lipa. Atsaka so many things like Christmas naming tatlong magkakapatid which we haven't had since two years ago, this year though feeling ko ako ang magpapakain... Grabe, I feel like crying ang sarap pala ng Christmas. Last year I remembered how kind of sad it was since we were all inside barracks and most of my classmates were shouting merry Christmas at the top of their lungs. Feeling ko this year medyo drama yung Christmas, I mean this is my first Christmas with my family as a cadet yung tipong isang bagay na I prayed and persevered for in the last four years of my life. And then so many things changed already, my eldest brother is now with a wife a an infant daughter, our bunso has graduated from College and is now working, while I'm back in the Philippine Military Academy as a cadet. If you knew how my life is, it wasn't this good for the past how many years. Imagine this:

1999 my mother was dying of cancer and unknowingly it was to be her last Christmas with us.

2000 I ran away from home because I just got discharge from PMA and I was so ashamed of myself, did not know what to do with my life

2001 all we had was one bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken for Christmas and that was basically it

2002 was with our other family with daddy and our half brothers and sisters which wasn't really that fun

2003 I spent most of the time watching Meteor Garden until early in the morning

2004 I was in between two white sheets enjoying the Baguio Climate away from my family

See, I think this year will be a lot better as in a lot, I'm thinking now of the things like buying gifts for each of my brothers (yung dalawa lang ha), my sister in law, and my pamangkin, and then siguro for myself, and then to my friends. Tapos I will go out with friends and tell them how I appreciated the fact that they were my friends. Grabe na to I'm so in love... well hay nako tama na at magtetext pa ako, I'll start thinking about the things that I will buy.... for the rest of the people.. Merry Christmas na lang.....

Change of heart

Change of heart.
That is how all love stories happen. Even in the world of fairy tales, the happily ever after always comes after a change of heart and the once upon a time is always a beginning of a change of heart. In any given day, each person goes about what they have to do, try to be what they should be and as they sleep they are contented ready for the next day, the next usual day. But there comes a time when suddenly we do not feel that it was a usual day, suddenly we have this premonition that something great took place or that something just change, something from the heart.
In one regular day, I woke up excited of new opportunities that are ahead of me. After series of preparations, finally I’m set to do what I have to do. So many people were expecting too much and as for me, I just wanted to go away from the life that I have become bored of. The day was normal. The place was perfect. From across the lake lay a majestic place. A place that was definitely a getaway from everything, for me it was a getaway to reality.
My life is lonely. I say this now because although I know very well that I am where I should be, I feel lonely about it. Sometimes when the skies are clear at night, I walk under the stars, thinking if I could continue being like this. I think about things that I miss, I think about loneliness. I think about life. I think about so many things, so many things that are out of my reach. Nowadays, I think more about romance. In the past days and months, I have missed being in love, being romantically in love. It’s not as if it something that has made me lesser of a person. In fact, my life goes on as if nothing really has changed in me. But each day, as I go on with my life, I find myself looking across oblivion, my mind wandering, my heart beating. I just realized that I want to fall in love, the question is with whom.
On that regular day I was talking about, I had this some kind of a vision. I felt that I was doing something for some reason, I felt more than anything that something was in store for me and just everything was just in its proper place. Several years ago I had the same feeling. My dreams are so out of reach, all I had was the will to pursue it. But despite being in that situation, I know that something was in store for me. I knew that what lies for me in the uncertain future is something that is wonderful. I know that I will get my dream. And so on that fateful day, I felt fate was unfolding right before my eyes. It was indeed fate.
One time I asked my classmate. Do you really think that what we are doing right now is the thing that we should do? Do you see yourself as someone who is just at the place where you are supposed to? Do you believe that all of these are what your life should be? The answers to all questions were on the affirmative. That will also be my answer if in case at that moment; I was asked all three questions. But then I did not know what all the feelings I had was about, all I knew was I was were I was supposed to.
The feeling did not change that much but on the second day I began to understand what my feeling was about. Early that morning, I woke up from my slumber. It must have been my body clock because I realized that everyone was still very much asleep and the time was still very early. Although I was a little tired from the previous night, all my senses were already active and I could hear the breathing of the sleeping people around me. I started to rise from the bed, went outside and looked at the horizon, it was a beautiful day and it wasn’t raining like the night before. When I went back inside the room I saw her, she was a beauty. You see, its not as if I did not notice it before. Everyone would agree with me that indeed she had the most beautiful face in that part of the world at that time. But on that moment as I entered the room, there was this radiance that I never saw before. As I continue to look at her, studying every detail that was visible from that distance and my failing eyesight, I realized that what was happening was divine. It was that feeling when a person realizes that he is a witness to something that is an act of God. Nobody knew, even I was confused.
These past days, I started to hate the way my life is organized. I like meeting people, sharing my life with them, but with my life now, that is simply impossible. Everyday, my home is packed with people from all parts of the world, from all walks of life. People come take pictures of them. Sometimes I wonder what the goal of everything that they are doing. The set-up of my life denies me of the possibility of meeting people beyond what is superficial. I meet people, enjoy my time with them, we depart from each other’s company and we depart from each other forever. After that meeting, it stops there and I will never be able to understand the purpose of that meeting in the first place. Isn’t life supposed to be shared with people?
After that magical moment, I tried to deny the feeling. I mean if this was to be another of those instances when after everything it stops there, I’d rather not try to understand the feeling. But little by little it begins to take shape by itself. As if it is how things should be, I begin to realize that this is something that I can not allow to stop. The dreamer that I am just can not give up, especially when the things that have occurred just change me. It was in short a change of heart. I can not fully comprehend it, but what I do know is that this is the beginning of something wonderful. Just like my feeling before, I just know.
A change of heart is how everything begins and for me now that change of heart is what propels me to start dreaming and to continue being a dreamer. This is not some foreign place, I’ve been here and just like before, believing in dreams is never wrong. When the heart starts to initiate something, there must be a valid reason. Perhaps our understanding is limited, perhaps its just how it should be, but in the vastness of reality, in a world that has come to believe that everything can be understood perhaps dreaming is the way to do it. Perhaps.

Loneliness

The loneliness is deafening, isolation a dreaded feeling. That is my feeling as I begin to ponder on the things that had been troubling me for quite a time. In several occasions, I find myself wide awake in the middle of the night thinking of the things that I wanted to do. About happy moments that will only be possible when away from this sort of prison I am into. Memories of people I could imagine myself having fun with and sharing my life with them. Women that just mesmerized me, beautiful beings that have at some point brought forth this new hope on things that will happen in the future. The more I think about these things, the more I hate the idea of being in this place. I hate the fact that I had to leave people that I care behind and embark on a never ending battle with academics, demerits and yes… loneliness; loneliness that seems to little by little sink in deeper into the chambers of my heart, into the innermost facets of my identity as a person. As I stare at nothingness during those occasions, I wonder if I could continue on being like this, if yes then for how long?
The door suddenly opens. It was a classmate asking me about something that he needed. I gave a quick reply and went back to what I was thinking about. Yes, it was loneliness, the unbearable loneliness I have felt all of a sudden. When I clicked the icon in the computer, a blank page stared at me. It seemed exactly the way I feel at the precise moment. It was bare, just plain white and simply boring. The sides are black and then after that its gray and then the scrollbars and finally, it was the edge of the screen and then nothing. Taking the laptop as it is, the more I look towards the sides the more it becomes gloomy, the more it becomes sad, the more that I wanted to cry. So I begin to write my thoughts, to write my feelings, to write everything that my heart feels. Somehow, it delights me that little by little, the white page begins to have other details, other objects. It is no longer bare, yet it is still boring. In it are just mere words, filling it up. Sadly, the words are expressions of loneliness, expression of longing, it becomes sadder… sadder and sadder.
The door opens again. I quickly make out some more words, rise from my seat, then go somewhere, perhaps in a little while, I can change the tide of these expressions, perhaps after sometime it will become happier…. Happier and happier.

In a little while…still sad… until the next day

A few weeks back, I had this opportunity of meeting a very beautiful lady. The fact that she was a beauty queen was something that instantly gave her the “it” factor. When she left, my friends came asking me all sorts of question. They were as impressed as I was the difference was that I get to have her number. My being mesmerized by her lasted for a few more days, anticipating the next time she’ll be sending another text message. I decided I wanted to take a second look so I followed her to Cebu. We had dinner and then some little chitchat and then I went back to my life. In a week’s time, I was back to my reality. Back when everything you do is dependent on a schedule done by a higher authority. A life were everything has to be in order and expression is not given much importance. A place were obedience is a way of life. Yes, the uniforms are impressive. I am en route to a bright future as she would put it on one of her text messages. While reading that message I taught, a bright future were some of my regrets would be not knowing if the people I met were worth keeping as friends for life. A successful career wondering if I already met my soul mate but due to the circumstances just allowed the person to pass me by. I wonder which of the options are better. I wonder if I’ll ever know. The thought is sad… it becomes sadder and sadder.

The page now has more words, more expressions, yet still it’s sad. I look around, everybody is not here. At a distance, I hear the sound of the band. The parade is going on and I’m pretty sure the people watching are again impressed. Perhaps they too would want to be in my place if given the chance. They start to dream not knowing that with that dream is the possibility of sadness, of loneliness, of desperation. Some of them might just make it here and be one of us. They will meet me and think that I am well accomplished; a very bright future looms ahead of me. I give them orders; I teach them the things that I should teach them. I do my job. But in occasions that I walk along the Flirtration walk alone, I wonder if doing my job was enough to remove this feeling I have. I wonder if the thing that I teach them is enough to lessen the chances that they too will feel the same anguish I have.

Yesterday, I received a text message. In that message it was clear that she has a boyfriend. Another surge of emotions rushes into my consciousness. I then wonder how bad things can really be. Suddenly all hope is gone. The right thing should be to let her stay with her boyfriend, not to interfere, to help her strengthen that relationship. I am in this place trained to do the right thing. Trained to do what is correct even if sometimes I have to sacrifice some of the things I want. I suddenly realize that perhaps sadness is one of those sacrifices. Maybe letting go is another. I wonder what are the others. Again, the thought is sad… it becomes sadder and sadder.

The parade is over. The barracks has come to life. Cadets are again everywhere. I wonder if at the end of this page everything will be over just like the parade. I wonder if I will also come to life after all of the so many things that have happened. I recall all the things that I wrote. Maybe in the future, it will really come to life; just like how it was with the so many experiences I had in the past. In some distant future, things do happen. Events become unbearable, life becomes sad. But then, empty pages are filled up, parades finally over and places coming back to life. I realized it is never always sad. Some things are like roller coaster rides, others seems hopeless, but really in everything the best is yet to come. I smiled at that realization. Perhaps even if the thoughts are sad, it does not become sadder and sadder; perhaps it becomes less sad every time.

Yes, loneliness is deafening, but hope hums while there is breath. My thought returns to that beautiful lady and I smiled. Nothing just beats a sight to behold, a beauty that captures one’s soul to last forever. With the thought, I no longer hear loneliness because I now listen to hope. I’m contented with how the page was filled up. The other pages will be filled up by time and maybe someday I will look back and wonder why I even listened to loneliness.