Pursuing Dreams

I have finally finished reading a book after more than a month of somewhat losing interest on reading and even if I do like the book I just finished, I always hate it when I finish reading it. I hate it because I will have to find another good book to read and in my situation, being in this some kind of prison, that is hard to do. But then again, a good book just gives me insights and and Paulo Coelho (yes people, I just read Zahir) can really give his readers a lot to think about. And so there I was thinking what my Ithaca is or my Zahir or my accomodator. Ithaca is the name of the place where Penelope was waiting for the love of her life Ulysses in some story. Zahir, on the other hand, is something that you want to find which occupies your whole being; accomodator is something that hinders a person from achieving something. But then my entry is not about those things, this entry is about pursuing dreams. You see, the question really is are we persons who are shaped by our dreams or are we the ones who shape our dreams?

When I was trying very hard to go back to PMA I did everything I could to go back, I went to people tell them my concern and practically begged them to hear me out. Eventually, I found myself back at PMA, but then although I am sure that I am happy where I am now, I really do wonder if was it my dream that led me to this place or was I the one who shaped my dream that brought me to this place. It can be a confusing question that maybe most people wouldn't want to answer. I always mantain that dreaming is what makes us go on each day despite of things that do not turn out well. Just this afternoon a friend said that the reason why we hold on to things in our life is that we do not believe that beautiful things can happen twice and somehow I fell that this two things, dreaming and holding on to things, connect. I do not wish to crystallize anything in this entry as I too am confused. I just realized that sometimes it is just like the poem aptly entitled Ithaca, here it is:

Ithaca

When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon -- do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not set them up before you.
Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.
Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.

Well that is how I would think, maybe its about the journey rather than the goal itself. Sometimes when we are so passionate with what to pursue, we forget what lies in between start and end. I remembered Forrest Gump when he was telling the story when he ran for about three years about how he described the sights that he saw, the sunset, the magnificent landscape and all that, I often wonder if people are like that. You see when we pursue something, we just pursue it head on not realizing that in our journey towards our goal we get to experience things that we would have never experienced if we did not pursue that something, sometimes I even think that maybe that is the reason why the things that we pray for take some time to come, we just did not pay attention to the events in between. Well, I ame becoming more and more confusing, I think that is for people to think about.... :)

By the way I am going to Naga next week for the Luzon Wide Press Conference, I hope I win but really I am looking forward to have fun with new people and new friends........

Violent Reactions??? C'mon Fans kill 'em

I do not know if my feeling is right as I write this entry. First, it is the intention of this write-up to at least explain my side over something that I wrote in this blog that caused a violent reaction from a very good friend. I may not exactly make this friend of mine feel better but I hope she understands that there was no intention done and I am sorry for whatever pain I have caused her and other people if there are any.

This is about the entry when I vented my feelings over something that happened. I do not want to go into the details of that event now but I guess let me begin with how I am as a person. For those who know me personally, I can be the loudest person, even annoying top some who have been used to men that are the shy and silent type. That is aggravated by the fact that I am suppose to be silent and all those stereotype considering that I am a cadet of the Philippine Military Academy. I can have all the opinions in the world even at things that people do not normally pay attention to and I say what I think. That is the reason why this blog has been so helpful to me in coping up with my type of personality. I always long for sensible conversations where I can say what I feel, tell them what I think about things and in the same way reciprocate that by listening and giving their own thoughts. In my present world where I have to shut my mouth, not talk about things that I feel bad about and just let them be, it is a wonder that I am still here. Most people say that there is so much emotion in what I write and I reckon that it is because so much of my emotions can not be released so it is vented when I start to write my thoughts. Whenever I feel that something is just wrong, I keep it to myself and then write about it, either for the Corps Magazine or in this Blog. I basically do not care if the people do not like what I say as long as I say it, if they want to react then they can react, violently if they must but never ever tell me to stop expressing what I feel. I may be wrong at some point but as I said everything that comes out here is an outburst of what I feel and mind you I do accept when I am wrong and at this moment I am accepting that I was wrong in putting out names of people even those that I do not really know, from now on I will not put names here.

So, at some point I have hurt people with what I write but I expect that the people that know me should be the first one to know that I was never the person who acted on feelings, even if I felt so bad about things, I always try my best to be reasonable and find out the whole story before even acting. I am feeling so many things every now and then but I understand that in this world it is not about feelings it is doing what should be done even if sometimes it just doesn't feel good. I also know that I do not have some kind groupies who will kill people that I feel bad about based on what I write. I know that the people who visit this blog are just fascinated by what I write, they do not even react, they just keep on reading and reading but I would really like to know what they find when they read the things that I write. And so the point is... violent reaction? Then go ahead, be violent if you may but never ever take it personally, the point of everything that is written in this blog is expression. I do not intend to malign people, or to be libelous against them, I just wanted to be myself, the LOUD ME.

Again, I'm sorry for the people that I have hurt, for the people that I have been libelous upon, even for the people who are annoyed, I'm sorry but just as I am free to express what I feel, you may do so, make your own blog, noone is stopping you. And to that person that was hurt, I'm very very sorry, you know that I am not good at asking for forgiveness but just the same, I think you know me that well... text me when you are no longer angry....ciao!!!

Annoying conversations... chauvinist PIGS!!!

Last night, after all four of my roommates settled in our bunks (that's what we call beds by the way) we went into this animated conversation about ladies. In our room mate I am the only one who rarely talk about these things the reason for which I will reveal later as I go on with this entry. Two of my room mates had at least two girlfriends, one is the one they say that they truly love and the other is the one in Baguio. Of course, that is discounting the other flings. My other roommate was just asleep. We were talking about forgive the word, stupidity of girls. Picture this, last break my room mate went to a popular hang-out here in Baguio, he met this girl and talked, they were together for around two hours after that they just texted each other. A few days later they were officially a couple in fact yesterday she just celebrated their "monthsary" with my room mate. My roommate says that since she is to graduate this October, he just have to score (you know what I mean) before then. And then there is this another girl. She was once a girlfriend of an upperclass who now graduated. Sadly, she was the girlfriend in Baguio, as soon as that upperclass graduated she was just abandoned to go back to the "real" girlfriend of that upperclass back at their hometown. Now, she is again giving into the words of my room mate, they just never learn. I do not say that I agree to what my room mates are doing, in fact I always tell them my opinion about it and that is precisely the reason why I write it here, I'm disgusted. When I see them around here, I do not talk to them, I do not want to know the girls personally because I just might be honest to them and my room mates might just hate me for that. I know its a lame excuse for being indifferent, but what can I do, I am stuck with chauvinist pigs as roommates and I still have more than two years to deal with them. And then the annoying part was this, when it seemd that they were contented with their escapades, they turned to me. As I said, I do not talk about romance with them for the primary reason that I do not want to reduce the women that I love to the standard that they set. Of course they have ideas of these girls and since I do not give them details, they speculate. The girl in the short story Open Call was not actually a failure per se. She was perfect only that she now had a boyfriend so I respect that and go on with my life. And then there is this another girl, the thing with this girl now is that they are completely clueless. So they ask me what happened. The details that they know of are usually those that they deduce when I correct them. Like one time defending my point of view, I told my room mate that love is not quite the word because any man can convince himself that he has fallen in love with a girl that is pretty. And then this one time, I was writing an article for Corps Mag and I was covering it. They thought that it was another literary piece for some girl, but the truth is I wanted the article to be a surprise so that they won't go around telling people what I wrote about before the magazine is even released. And so with all their speculations they concocted their own story. I was silent, just listening to them. After a few moments, I want to go to them and just punch them in their faces. It was really annoying. I laid in my bed trying to ignore them but it was just like that. I wept on my bed as they violate the things that I consider significant and wonder why I have to deal with these people. The just don't get it, for people like me who suffered much because of people who do not care about relationships I consider these things important. I do not have to explain myself to these people and it is very painful how they can just be that insensitive to violate things. I can just vent all my feelings in this blog hoping that more and more people will just pray that I learn how to deal with these things. Yes, I am single nor do I have any hope of being not single anytime soon. I have lots and lots of women in my life all of which are beautiful, brilliant and definitely not stupid. I love them all and although I would love to have some romantic connections with one of them, I simply will not, it will just come and I know when that time comes it will just be worth all the waiting perfect and blessed by God, I hope people will just respect that especially my roommates

Leadership the breeds disobedience

I was doing one of my official duties as company clerk when suddenly an upperclass barges inside the room and demands the use of the computer I was using. I said "sir, importante tong ginagawa ko" then he gives me this BAYOT-ic look and says, "Bilisan mo ha may itatype ako." Incidents like these often happen especially in a a very hierarchial society such as that of the Philippine Military Academy. In a society where obedience is more often demanded than earned, it is not a surprise that some of us have forgotten what leadership really entails. I can just complain about these things in this blog for the primary reason that I can not do anything about it, I am a mere underclass and I just have to wait for my turn. That is basically the reason why these close-minded upperclassmen has continued to ignore their responsibilities to their underclassmen. The fact that those below them are just completely helpless and can just complain in the silence of their imagination kind of blind them to the reality of obedience. They have somewhat forgotten their own similar experiences with upperclassmen and have become the monsters that they too hated. I hate it when all I can do is wait for my turn and write about it in this blog for all to see declaring to the vastness of anyone who happens to pass through my blog that even inside the Philippine Military Academy, said to be the best leadership school in the country there is the leadership that breeds disobedience.

In my experience as a follower I have learned two things. One: a leader must always allow his or her follow the opportunity to do what he is supposed to do by providing the necessary support to get the job done and developing in him the confidence to do what is necessary to accomplish the task. Two: the follower is a reflection of the leader in whatever situation for a leader can never be a leader without a follower and vice versa. In effect, they are inseperable. These two lessons I have said just points to one thing, both have responsibilities and both should abide by this responsibility for that leader follower relationship to continue and be productive. I know there are still others that I have to learn and still to understand but at the moment, these two are the things that I have perfectly understood. Take the example I just said, I realized that the reason why I hated the approach of my upperclass so much is that he simply did not care with what I was doing, he just wanted to have his way, he ignored me and I can just be helpless. I realized that if he does that to his men in the field and it so happens that what the follower was doing was something that was of great significance to him, he might just get his gun at shoot his leader, believe me that happens often.

A leadership that ignores the follower is a leadership that breeds disobedience. It cultivates distrust and hatred to the leader which creates friction in the leader-follower relationship. Well, that is just how it is and by learning from these experiences, I just might live a day longer when I face my enemies once I go out and lead men into battle.

Coup'd'etat? Reality check and others

This morning we had this some kind of informal talk about coup'd'etat. Being in PMA where one's idealism is cultivated and caught amidst controversies concerning it's graduates its not a surprise that we talk about thig shing a lot. The firstclassmen (the graduating class) has been recalled to PMA apparently to prevent possibilities of recruitment outside and for the first time in several years the Corps is complete at Fort del Pilar at this time of the year. In the previous years, the firstclassmen only go back to PMA weeks before graduation, but right now it seems that they will be here until they finally shed off their full dress... or not, anything could happen. So the talk was about sbumitting to authority, giving as an insight of how it is to submit to authority even if it is bad because any authority is established by God and it is God who will take it away not man. Well, for people like me who puts so much weight on what the Bible has to say on things that I do in my life, that puts directions to my idealism. Anyway, coup or no coup I really do not mind, I'm just doing what I have to do study and graduate, that's the time I'll try to think about the problems of my country, in the meantime I have to be the best to prepare me for what lies ahead.

I had a series of reality checks these past days. A few weeks back, I already started to feel something was wrong but I just do not know what it is. It was very unnatural for me to feel so many things that are not good so I reckoned that something is just not right. And so yesterday as I sit beside a friend who came to PMA to visit, I felt guilty and realized what was wrong. I just had to be in touch with reality, I had to be back. The truth is when noone seems to criticize you for a very long time, it becomes something that will cause you to forget that you are human and that you are dealing with humans. I hate to admit this but I really have become like that. It is not only enough that we have good intentions because the end does not justify the means. To be able to do something good, it must be right ALTHROUGHOUT. I am emphasizing the word althroughout because that is what I forgot. I realized that it doesn't mean that if my intentions are good I can basically do anything for that goal, I realized that it is also important to do everything right. Again, it is not only the goal that is important but the way upon which that goal is pursued. It is only by understanding that concept that I began to be sensitive with how people feel. Talking with people that I admire, I ralized how life can be confusing if you lose your sight on the things that are really important. I have allowed myself to be in touch so much with my feelings and just letting it direct my actions not realizing that there is the mind to balance it. There is self-control that is the fruit of the holy spirit, there is also the responsibility to guard the hearts of people agains feelings that they are not supposed to feel, and there is also the need to let go of the things that hinder us from doing what God has willed for us to do. Now, I understand that its an all systems go for reawakening my spirit and being in touch with my creator.... well that's just life is and that's what makes it beautiful.... I'm feeling good about this.....