Just imagine

The events in Naga lead me to think about things and little by little have come to understand other things as well. Last night I was writing a letter and it has been a while that I wrote a letter with so much emotion. Although I write letters so often these days it has always been this spontaneous outburst of things that are in my mind of trying to relay messages to people hoping to reveal my personality even across distances. I have always said that I hate the fact that my being cadet undermines my ability to relate to people and somehow develop a worthwhile relationship with them. But then in the past days also, this outbursts have not really turned out the way I expected it. Many times being sincere and honest has often been misunderstood as being judgmental, self righteous, know-it-all, conceited and all other similar terms. It might be because of the fact that some of these remarks are not welcome or that they might just be right. But then in my present isolated state what can I really do? Imagine relating to people when all you have is a pen and a paper. Imagine dealing with people by just words written in some stationery and just crossing your fingers that they will understand the message. Imagine when despite of the so many things you try to show yourself through the words that you write, people just become silent. Imagine when people read what you have to say but do not really react and tell you what you feel. Imagine when in good faith you just have to believe that all is well because you tried your best to reach out to people. Imagine when you finally get those rare opportunities to really interact with these people after several letters, it is there that you realize that something was wrong. Imagine that because you did not know a thing, you just stare at the opportunity not being able to do anything because at this time something was wrong and it can not be fixed soon. Imagine going home frustrated because you lost another opportunity to show people that you care for them. Imagine that upon that realization you just have to deal with the situation through another letter at a time when all your emotions are so confusing and everything is just sad. Imagine when at the end of the day you choose to believe in the magic of things when you are not even sure if people are really listening, or rather reading. Imagine when all you really have is that hope that God is always good, that Love is patient and that we sow what we reap. How would you feel?

I learned that it is true, with people you just have to believe. There is no proven formula to do it but the important thing is you do it. At the end of the day when all is said, it really doesn't matter people will be people and it is up to the person to make the most of every opportunity that comes their way. Well, life can be interesting even frustrating like how I feel now, but then I just continue to believe on the good things. I continue to pray to God each day that somehow, in the not so distant future it will all be well for me. I really hope it will come.... soon.

Ironic Victory

I had no expression in my face when I received my individual writing award during the Naga Press Conference. My mind was traveling far away, it was thinking about people people somewhere out there. I went back to my table with the thought still lingering in my mind, I was not able to really notice how many people came to congratulate me. I started texting people, my father, a few friends but my emotions remained numb. I decided to go back to my hotel room and as I went into the sink, my tears fell. I locked the door sat on the toilet bowl and began to weep. The feeling was not of joy but, ironically, of sadness. I was sad.

A few years ago, the Philippine Military Academy refused to readmit me as one of their cadets. I tried several times for three years but nothing seemed to happen. In that three years I learned several lessons and I promised myself I will be the best cadet once they admit me back. By some miracle, I found myself back at Fort Del Pilar wearing the cadet uniform once again. Not really certain of what to do but I was just optimistic and happy. It was a victory enduring three years of rejection, of hoping and finally, I should say, redemption. I had with me people who shared my dream, people who knew how much I wanted being there and who supported me all the way. By October 2004, I won an essay writing competition which was the key that allowed cadets, officers and civilian instructors alike to notice me in the way I write. I was always the first choice in writing important articles and I love the attention. I began writing a leadership series in the Corps Magazine, criticizing practices and putting labels on them to somehow change the perception on practices especially on leadership that I think are not correct -- I was successful. Despite of remarks from immature individuals who were not open to my ideas, it was a victory in itself. And then I wrote something about terrorism, not that important really as it was an assigned task by my editor but then people started coming to me praising me for the ideas that I presented. I went to Laguna again to write competitively, although not winning in the competition because of some accident, the message came across and for me that was enough. Finally I received my individual writing award in Naga to find myself weeping inside the comfort room because of sadness. Later I will be going back to PMA, this time hailed as heroes. Everyone wants to know what happened, from the Superintendent down to perhaps my classmates but then it isn't that surreal as many people would think. There are rumors that we just might receive military medals but I am not impressed, in fact I wonder if I can keep this up. Am I just being too sentimental?

The thing with me is I really do not care much about the attention. Although I enjoy it I see it more as a leverage to enjoy certain types of privileges like going to Naga for a week as if having a vacation. As long as I am good I will continue to go to places, meet people and have experiences that are very very different from my other classmates. There could be many reason why I do things but right now the attention is not just the one for me. My best friend in the world hates me because of something that I posted in this blog. Another girl that I really admire is just silent with me totally clueless if I am becoming annoying or that I should just kill myself and die. I realized that victories big or small will always be sad when it is not shared with people that we care for. When PMA then refused to let me in, people were just there. Comforting me and motivating me to pursue my dreams relentlessly. Now, as I look back, I would think the feeling back then was better compared to now when everyone just seems to praise you. As the Superintendent would put it "A proud day for PMA" and I add "a sad thing for me." At the end of it all when victories come, pursuits are successful and everyone is happy with what I did, I will just stare at blankness and weep. They will ask me about my experience and I will tell them beautiful stories. I will go on with my life and continue being me. Despite of the things that have happened, I will still have the same prayers each night, prayers of thanks for God's gift, for the experiences that I had, but more than that I will pray for people, for people to realize that I really do love them and that no amount of success can change the sadness I am feeling because they are just distant...

We Won!!!

I just arrived from Naga City and the good news is We won... overwhelmingly at that. The Corps Magazine won 7 out of the 8 awards given in the Magazine Category of the 5th Luzon-wide Higher Education Press Conference. I also won 10th Place in my individual writing category that is Feature Writing in English, well not bad for a first timer and definitely not a bad finish considering that it is Luzon-wide but then there is always room for improvement.

Now is not the time to write so much really about the event because honestly I have so many things to write about the event and I do not know how to begin. First, it was a worthwhile experience considering that we practically had a vacation for one whole week in Naga coming back to PMA as heroes. Then I have new friends from Baguio, other writers that composed the Cordillera Contingent that competed in Naga some of which really have become good friends in the few days that we were together as part of one group. And then there is this conflict that with the lady friend that I just recently find out. I mean its sad that you find out that something is wrong in the few opportunities that you get to see each other. I was excited going to Naga to see her, in fact I was more excited to see her than actually competing and joining the press conference. When I saw her I just was, as usual, awed... she was simply so beautiful, I could feel my heart trying to leap out of my chest. But then there was silence and I learned that when she doesn't want to be bothered, just do not bother her which I did. But then time was passing and I was really hoping to just chat up with her just spend some time only to find out that I offended her in my last correspondence. The next day, I walked around the Public Market trying to think about things. When the sun has not really came out yet, I was just walking around finally realizing that it was God's way of telling me something and I just have to accept my fate... sad. When I won my individual competition, I was happy deep side I texted people, my father some friends and then I looked at her, she waved, smiled and said congratulations which was lame by the way. I went up back to our hotel room, went inside the room and wept. I just felt how sad it is for good things to happen and not share it with people you care. But then I felt that maybe I gave justice to the prostitute that I wrote about (that you still have to know what really happened) which won the award maybe her story was indeed worth reading and writing about. But what made me really sad was because it was something that I did for her and to other woman whose mere presence will just calm my soul. I wrote so well about that story because it occupied the inner depths of my soul dedicated to a woman who in some way has just made such a magnanimous impact in my very existence.

Well, I said I will not write about the experience now but I just did, I just can't help it but I'm still smiling, all these things happen for a reason and maybe in time I will understand this reason. Nevertheless, we won and the pressure builds on for next year but who cares a writer writes not because of competition but because it is the only way to exist... I guess that's just how it is and I thank God He gave me such a beautiful gift.

Let's go Naga

I'm going to Naga City to attend the Luzon-wide Higher Education Press Conference representing the Cordillera Autonomous Region, Ihope I can post from there.... well anyway just wish me luck people....ciao

LET'S GO NAGA!!!

Pursuing Dreams

I have finally finished reading a book after more than a month of somewhat losing interest on reading and even if I do like the book I just finished, I always hate it when I finish reading it. I hate it because I will have to find another good book to read and in my situation, being in this some kind of prison, that is hard to do. But then again, a good book just gives me insights and and Paulo Coelho (yes people, I just read Zahir) can really give his readers a lot to think about. And so there I was thinking what my Ithaca is or my Zahir or my accomodator. Ithaca is the name of the place where Penelope was waiting for the love of her life Ulysses in some story. Zahir, on the other hand, is something that you want to find which occupies your whole being; accomodator is something that hinders a person from achieving something. But then my entry is not about those things, this entry is about pursuing dreams. You see, the question really is are we persons who are shaped by our dreams or are we the ones who shape our dreams?

When I was trying very hard to go back to PMA I did everything I could to go back, I went to people tell them my concern and practically begged them to hear me out. Eventually, I found myself back at PMA, but then although I am sure that I am happy where I am now, I really do wonder if was it my dream that led me to this place or was I the one who shaped my dream that brought me to this place. It can be a confusing question that maybe most people wouldn't want to answer. I always mantain that dreaming is what makes us go on each day despite of things that do not turn out well. Just this afternoon a friend said that the reason why we hold on to things in our life is that we do not believe that beautiful things can happen twice and somehow I fell that this two things, dreaming and holding on to things, connect. I do not wish to crystallize anything in this entry as I too am confused. I just realized that sometimes it is just like the poem aptly entitled Ithaca, here it is:

Ithaca

When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon -- do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not set them up before you.
Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.
Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.

Well that is how I would think, maybe its about the journey rather than the goal itself. Sometimes when we are so passionate with what to pursue, we forget what lies in between start and end. I remembered Forrest Gump when he was telling the story when he ran for about three years about how he described the sights that he saw, the sunset, the magnificent landscape and all that, I often wonder if people are like that. You see when we pursue something, we just pursue it head on not realizing that in our journey towards our goal we get to experience things that we would have never experienced if we did not pursue that something, sometimes I even think that maybe that is the reason why the things that we pray for take some time to come, we just did not pay attention to the events in between. Well, I ame becoming more and more confusing, I think that is for people to think about.... :)

By the way I am going to Naga next week for the Luzon Wide Press Conference, I hope I win but really I am looking forward to have fun with new people and new friends........