I thought blogging can't be done in Finals

Yes, people its finals week and I just came from Extra Instruction (we call it EI for short) in Physics. The thing with this subject is that its so easy and I wonder why I am even taking the finals for this one. I realized that I wasn't really listening that much to class especially that I am seated at the back with a failing eyesight. The reveiewing was a good one and I am believing that I can perfect tomorrow's exam just to catch up with the grades I lost due to my little vacation in Naga. And then everyone is surprised that I am taking the finals in Speech, imagine Cadet Cabales taking finals in a subject that he is known to ace by almost everyone who knows him. But then again being in the exemption list does not necessarily mean that you are good at the subject, it just means that your GRADES were good in the subject. Well, I guess this semeseter is just another learning experience. My Dean's list medallion will not be seen somewhere near my chest next year, I think I will just put it near my OTHER medals... hahaha akala nyo ha marami kaya akong medals :)

Last night, I was asked by the class president of the graduating class to edit their Class History to be printed in the yearbook and the Graduation issue of the Corps Magazine. he gave specific instruction that I improve the write-up (pagandahin ko daw, sabi nya). When I read the write-up it was bad, really bad and boring. I am not saying that I am expert in the area but I can very well identify a good literary piece from a bad one. It was a monotony of events that happened to their class with no emotional appeal and one can not just see the relevance of everything that was written. I wrote a long note in the end, said my comments and other opinions and then gave it back to the writer. I am now wondering what the reaction is considering that I bluntly said that the write-up is not worthy for publication plus the fact that the writer is my upperclass. Well, at least now they know that the next they make me edit something it must be good. I'm sorry for being arrogant but you just have to read the write-up to believe me. Hey, considering that I am the Historian of my class, I think my opinion is valid, its not a case of argumentum ad vericundiam (is that the correct spelling?) I do know what I am saying when I gave back the piece, but of course I am still hoping that they will have me edit an improved version anytime during the week.

Today is the 7th death anniversary of a cousin. He was my favorite cousin with whom I had so much fun while studying at Dumaguete. It was with him that I learned to value happiness in its simplest form and spending time with friends. You see, no matter the situation is the friends you have really spell out the difference, you should just try it. Ian Fortugaleza is surely missed.

So basically life is normal. I have two exams tomorrow: speech and physics. Later today, I will start reading on the basic steps in speechmaking... naks its funny how I find studying for speech surreal.

Last night also, the good friend that made "tampo" on me sent me a message. After sometime we started asking questions about each other's life. I proudly announced to her that my crush last year is single again. I do not know what happened to her boyfriend but the news is she is single again. I think you can read about her in my entries sometime in March and April of last year. She is also the subject of the short story (Open Call) that was published in the Corps Magazine's Academic Issue last year. I am not really happy about her recent reentry to single blessedness, I think the proper word to describe my reaction is uninterested. Initially, upon learning about the news, I was like "OWS??" She is actually a good catch if I may say. She is now in Law School in UP and graduated from Ateneo, plus the fact that she is so beautiful and listen to this RICH as in really rich. My friend and I call her 3M for maganda, mayaman at mabait. That is just something I wanted to share. And then my friend asks me about this other girl, as she would put it, "na kinahuhumalingan ko" these days. I realized that the reason why I am not so interested with 3M is maybe because I just moved on to a better girl, not because she is richer, more beautiful but as I would put it because "she calms my soul."... I do not know, I may just be imagining things considering that she is just so silent but then that's what I feel at the moment. I do not understand why but its just that way, maybe in time I will be able to understand it but in the meantime I am following my heart.

Well, I have to go now... till then

Just things that happened

I had fun earlier singing in Church. I really lead the praise and worship in Church so it wasn't so hard to do but it was the first time that I sang this year. I do not know how it happened but I just was not able to lead much when the year came in. I realized, as I was singing, that I did miss it.

Finals will begin on tuesday after which Graduation week (which is considered the busiest activity we have here) and then finally I'm going on break, and then receive the class of 2010 (this is going to be exciting) and then be a squad leader. Ang bilis, imagine I have been using this site for blogging for like 4 years or so tapos more than a year nun is from PMA, yung may karugtong ng diaries from Melchor Hall... actually dati Ang Munting Bukayo lang from the popular bukayo we have as plebes. It is really about appreciation kasi pag plebo ka and then you are given a bukayo, dahil sa sobrang gutom, the little thing seems to be the most delicious food there is, pinag aagawan at kinakain ng dahan dahan, that's the bukayo isang maliit na bagay that is very important, sa buhay ng tao maraming ganun maliliit na bagay na minsan nakakalimutan nati but are in fact important. The diaries from Melchor Hall part came when I started blogging from Melchor Hall which is the location of our Computer Laboratory... hehehe ganun lang kasimple ang explanation nun.

Anyway, mamaya mag-aaral na lang ako so hindi na muna ako maguupdate ng madalas at baka bumagsak ako at madischarge pa hehehe. Baka rin mamayang gabi wala ng internet as what is usually done during finals week, walang internet para mag-aral talaga ang mga cadets.....

Yun na muna.... sa uulitin

Active waiting

In a public forum I frequently visit, one thread introduced the concept of Active waiting. It was a thread about singlehood and what people should do. That is the topic I will be blogging about.

I do not know if this is true to everyone in this generation but I observed that people has been preoccupied with finding "the one." I have observed that for most people, their motivation in life has always been related to finding the right partner. From the way they dress, the kind of jobs they take, the kind of people they hang out with, all of these seems to be directed towards the goal of finding a mate. Personally, that is how I believe that so many opinions regarding the matter aroused, primarily because everybody is interested.

I have to say that I am no expert in the matter also. Honestly, I am a novice in this area, what I will be presenting are merely observations and deductions that I made based on what my belief on things are. I am proud to say that I was blessed with a mother (may she rest in peace) who cultivated my self esteem early on. As a young boy, I was stubborn, but I always speak my mind and most of the time its hard to convince me otherwise. Growing up, I have somewhat learned things on my own such that in time, I have developed this personality that I do not need to prove anything to anybody. To a certain extent, that wouldn't be easy but I was just being myself, I did not care much about how people think. Later on, I realized that sometimes I also have to be considerate, so I also tried to learn this "skill." Honestly, I am one person who is so bad at sensitivity, not because I simply do not care but because I just have so much confidence on my ideas that sometimes I forget that other people have their own idea also. And so in the area of singlehood, my firm belief is that there will just come a time that you will realize that somebody is so perfect and that she will sweep you off your feet, and that it will be for that reason that you will find out more and then so on finally culminating in realizing that life can't be better without the person. When I became a Christian I learned that praying for it is important. At this point, the more that I understand that if there is one area in our life that we need to surrender to God, its definitely relationships, romantic relationships to be exact. I feel that if we do not allow God to bless such relationship we will never be assured of it becoming successful.

And so in the concept of active waiting, it is basically being active meaning constantly looking out but really waiting for God's whisper to do what should be done. I am saying that we should not based this things on what we feel but rather in listening to what our heart tells us. Don't be confused, I really think that what we feel and what our heart says are two different things. Sometimes our heart tells us to do things even if it doesn't feel right. Of course, it takes time to develop this ability to distinguish the two but really, when we are sensitive enough we can hear our heart's whispers. I believe that these whispers are from God and that they direct us what to do. Oftentimes these are things that seems impossible to achieve but I realized that these are also opportunities for God to reveal himself to each of us.

The reason why I wrote that is that I simply wanted to share something that I feel is relevant to this generation. I had one person tell me that when we want something in our life, we grab every opportunity to get it. Before, that was how I see it, but now its not, I just believe that our existence is part of a plan that is orchestrated by a supreme being and unless we submit to that plan we can never really enjoy this life to the fullest. I believe that the concept of active waiting, allows God to play a role in our lives rather than just calling on Him when we have problems or when we are already in trouble. The secret to living is letting God be part of our lives... well that's what I think.... tell me yours...

The origin of Ang Munting Bukayo

I basically do not know what to write. Usually, I browse around the net to stimulate my mind and come up with my idea. After sometime, I started reading my previous entries only to realize that the last two had been too emotional, very heavy if I may say. I feel that somehow, those entries do not really reflect my personality because I am a happy person. I love life and I enjoy going through it even if everything is not always pleasant. And so I decided to write something happy, something that will change the atmosphere of this blog, something to refresh the soul.

When this blog came into being about four years ago, I was merely somebody who did not have anything to do. I was discharged from PMA, I do not have money for school and I have no idea what to do-- I was basically a bum. With little technical know how and a little confidence in my english, I started a website. First it wasn't in this format, I was merely experimenting on my discovery of the photoshop and imageready. Little by little, I came up with content and finally I had a website. My first visitors were the people that I chat with. When I chat with them I tell them to visit my site. I do not know if they were telling the truth when they tell me their comments but it was them that motivated me to keep on improving it. After sometime, I became addicted to the internet that it was all that I was doing even in the wee hours. I learned html from there and had little knowledge on flash. On a flight to Cebu with my father one time, I saw an ad of a Computer School in a magazine that they gave out and web design interested me. Upon my return to Manila, I convince my father to give me money to enroll in that school. That was to be my first regular instruction in computing. In time, I began to deal mostly on my feelings, writing it as if nothing else mattered. When I feel bad, I write it, I practically wrote my life and to be honest it was from the blog that I began to gain confidence with the way I write, little did I know that writing will become useful.

In the three or more years that I have been blogging, much have changed. When I started, most of what I write was about my frustration of not being able to go back to PMA. I write about the many misfortunes I had practically begging people to give me another chance to go back to PMA. But I also wrote about the changes in my life. I wrote about finding God in so many places. I wrote about friendship to people I meet and I even write about my crushes. I practically wrote everything. When I was finally allowed to take the entrance exam again last September 2003, I waited eagerly for the results and it was from there that I made one prediction that came true. A few days before my birthday, I wrote that I will march back to PMA come 01 April 2004. To make the long story short I did. In my entry two days before reporting for duty as a cadet again, I wrote a conclusion promising that once in PMA I will find a way to blog again.

The promise came true after almost a year. The rigors of plebehood must have made me forgot. In one January evening, as I was browsing through the internet, I went to my old site and read. Suddenly, I was nostalgic over the vastness of the emotions I felt. I began to appreciate my state and that I was thankful. I decided to start blogging again. The lay-out that you see now is a result of a project that I did for my computer subject on which I got a 19.8 out of 20, I simply do not know what the deductions were.

Today, I have come to realize how much have changed. How life has improved and how I matured. When I read my previous entries, I can just reminisce at all the memories that I had thankful to God for all the things that He has done. This blog is not just an expression of me as a person or as a cadet. I would like to believe that more than being my words, this is a testament to the goodness of God to the life that He gave me. I hope that inasmuch as God has become evident in the so many experiences that I had, in all my ups and downs, in all my joys and frustration, the same God has also used these experiences to reveal Himslef to your life as well. This is a celebration of life. As Desiderata would put it "...with all its shame, drudgery and broken dreams; It is still a beautiful world; Be careful, strive to be happy..."

Romantic experience

I said I felt bad while writing the entry below and I still feel bad now. I thought that I can not do much in the way I feel but to just feel it, anyway it's my choice... or I'm just being impatient?

I came to that question when I started to think about the things that have happened to me. I have to say that I am not that good as a person. I still think of doing ugly things to people and I have wicked ideas of revenge on people that I hate, but I would say that at the end of it all I try my best to be good, maybe I'm just stubborn, just waiting to learn things the hard way. In fact, the very reason why I do things the way I do it now because of a lesson that I learned the hard way... now this is another confession and here it goes.

Ever since I was young, I have always been a hopeless romantic. I was imagining romance as if they appear in magical worlds where they end up living happily ever after. I was always in dreamland when it comes to this aspect, maybe that is the reason why it seems that I have come to contemplate on this area very often. In high school, I remembered this crush I had that just blew me away that I spent most of the time writing poetry about my feelings. These poems never really got published but I just enjoyed writing them. The girl was never able to read this poems, I was afraid. In fourth year, I met this young girl from Baguio in a Youth Forum that we both attended. I was mesmerized and since I was in Dumaguete and she was in Baguio we started writing each other, she was to become my first romantic experience. When I graduated high school, I went to Baguio, under the guise of visiting my brother who was already in PMA then and that was to become my first real date with a woman. We were both 15 and the circumstances that lead to our meeting was something that happened in the magical worlds that I imagined. It still brings a smile in my face everytime I remember that event. When she went to college at UP Diliman, we spent time together but little by little, the fairy tale was lost and soon we drifted apart. So we lost touch, after more than 4 years of imagining fairy tales, the reality dawned and that was it. I never saw her again. One time as I was browsing through friendster, I saw the account of her sister and from that I was able to find her number. Every now and then when I remember we text each other just checking on things and sometimes teasing about the things that happened in the past. I later learned that she graduated from UP with honors and is now working for a multinational company. She was brilliant by the way. And then just when I was to go back to PMA last 2004, I met this girl, things happened so fast and then by the time I knew it I was in deep trouble. That was to be my hardest lesson to learn in romance. And so I now come to the present. Just waiting and waiting... to be honest I do not really know what I am waiting for, I just know that it will just come in God's time.

I feel bad because I dread each moment that nothing seems to happen. But despite that, I continue to wait, remembering the lessons that I learned the hard way, praying to God and hoping that all the wait will soon end. I just hope. Maybe there is something to learn in the experience that I am having. Even as I feel all this negative emotions, I am actually being delighted by the surprises and the insights I get out of all the feelings I have. Well, I do not know, as of now I just know that things will be well in the end.