That's Ironic

Life can be ironic. I came to that conclusion after feeling the frustration of loneliness. In this life, so many things happen, we make decisions, move on to new beginnings each day and yet the inevitable seems to be always there waiting to strike. In my state, with people telling me that I should be happy with my life, I just can not help it but wonder the irony of the things that are currently happening to my life.

My heart felt sorry for my friend. Unfortunately, despite being the best friend that I am to her, I am the doom of her relationship with her current boyfriend. Even if it is simply a case of insecurity on the part of his boyfriend, I envy the boyfriend for despite his insensitivity and disregard to the feelings of my good friend, he is lucky to have my friend. I could feel from the words as she spoke to me over dinner last night, surely this guy had my friend deep into her chest. I could sense how much she really wants to fix their problem trying her best to keep me, to remain her confidant, to remain her friend. I wonder why some men can simply treat women like that. Her tears are just so precious that I really feel bad having to see it again. But then it is a situation only the two of them can fix, I realized that in cases like this it is enough that I do not talk, it is enough that I am simply there telling her that at the end of it all everything will be all right and we will all get what we deserve.

It has always been like that for me. So many years ago, she was at another bad instance in her life. Again, it is about men. It is about the ego of some men who just do not know how to treat a lady right. I've seen her cry and smile about it. In her eyes you could see how much she simply wants someone that will love her the way she should be. When people began to notice that we were getting close, they started teasing us. After that, I confronted her and told her that we just can not allow people teasing us about it. It was clearly a connection between two people who understood each other so well without the romantic thing. Most people will not believe that could exist between two people from the opposite sex but I assure you it does. In fact most people will not believe it to the point that her boyfriend gets so weird when any topic about me is brought up. And so it becomes their problem. As for me I continue to be a friend.

But my situation is also frustrating. While many people consider my ideas about love, relationships, faith, hope and other beutiful things brilliant, it seems not to exist in my life. For the past months I embarked on a quest to just be very honest to a girl. To be really sincere not trying to impress her but just revealing to her the person that I am including all my deficiencies. Every night I pray hard believing that God will give me what is due me. But then its just like that. She simply ignores me and I do not know what to do. But then I persist, I do what my heart tells me and continue to reveal myself despite of being ignored. For some people it is stupidity, for me it is an act of faith. It is based on the belief that we always sow what we reap. It is an act inspired by a soul that was changed and was inspired by another as if some magic has occured. So I write, try to be spontaneous and cross my fingers everytime. The truth is I do not even know if she is reading it, I'm just believing that maybe she is curious.

So this is the scenario, my friend has problems with her boyfriend because apparently he sees me as a threat to the two of them rather than an asset, while I go crazy and just write anything under the sun and send it to some girl that gave me much wonder. The irony of it all is that two people apparently connected by a very deep friendship find themselves in very contrasting situations. She is problematic about her boyfriend not knowing how to treat her well while she always says that her boyfriend should take tips from me on how to treat her. On the other hand, I am trying to prove my worth to someone who continues to ignore me while my friend continuosly tells me that I am already good and that its the girl's loss not mine. It would seem that to each of us we both know the solution to each other's problem but we just can not solve it because we are merely spectators on each others life. That's ironic.

It's different when you get to have a new pair of eyes, the world seems to be more beautiful. I sit here in front of the computer wearing my new glasses inside ali mall. I basically do not know what to do so I sit here and just write what I want to write. On my right side, I think, is some showbiz writer. With my vision I can see that he is typing some article about Ara Mina and other actors. Its a wonder how some people who write as a living do not have their personal computers for them to really write what they are supposed to. I can only conclude that the job is not that well paying or that the man by my side (I think he's gay) has so many "papas" to spend for that he can not afford to buy his own personal computer.

I am still contemplating on buying a digital camera. I just came from Centennial Bank (the official bank of the CCAFP) and withdrew my accumulated allowance for the past 3 months and really I have a lot of money in my wallet at this exact moment. Earlier I saw this camera that was around nine thousand pesos but I'm still really not sure whether to buy it. I plan to go to Gateway in a little while to scout some more. I'm thinking that in the next succedding months, when I already have my camera, I will be able to readily put pictures in this blog so that I do not have to describe everything that happens in my lonely life as a cadet.

Can you believe it, I am finally a second class cadet. Time does fly so fast. Early this morning as my body clock still thinks that there is a bugle sound of reveille at five thirty in the morning, I was wide awake while the rest of the world around me is still so silent. I can not force myself to go back to sleep so I wore my rubber shoes and started running. around twenty minutes after, I was already sweating profusely and my aunt was already awake. That was indeed a good way to start the day. Right now I am still oozing with energy still happy to be on vacation, I hope I can go out later tonight... well I just have to wait and see....

I have to go now, I still have to go to places.... by the way I just bought Bob Ong's Stainless Longganisa, as far as I have read its funny already but I'll narrate the full review once I'm done... in the meantime I have to go....

Some thoughts

Haven't blogged for a while, Graduation week was just so busy. So now I sit comfortably in front of our computer in our house in Antipolo, enjoying my first day on break. I just try to update with the things that have happened.

As if it was a surprise yesterday when I glanced at the newspapers at one stand I happend to pass by, PMA was in the front page with my company mate and former Company Commander , the Class 2006 valedictorian, leading the pack. I guess that is just how newspapers are a day after any PMA Graduation. Last year, I remembered the front page of Philippine Star that "starred" another companymate who was weeping as he hugged his lola after graduation. After that I kind of thought of the gimmick to do on my Graduation day two years from now that would make it in the front page of the newspapers. (Dream on Alex....)

And then when I finally saw my 6 month old niece, I was just happy, she has grown since I saw her last december. Now she laughs as if there is always a clown around and mind you she has her own world, she can basically be on her own without causing any hassle to the grown ups around. She simply is such an adorable little girl.

I really haven't written anything substantial in the last two paragraphs despite of really trying my best to think of some idea. Well maybe I'll start with the first thing that comes to mind.

Graduation. Alma Mater Song. Break

I promised that I will watch every PMA graduation I have a chance to watch. Last year's graduation was not so much on the graduating cadets but in what will happen once they graduate. When a PMA class graduates those below them is promoted to the next level and at that time last year, I became an upperclass -- finally after four long years (I should have graduated by the way if not for my crazy antics). But this year is different especially the graduates being the biggest class PMA has produced so far, plus of course being lead by a company mate. This year becomes more significant because it is also the graduation of a very good friend, one of those who dreamt with me not so long ago inside that room in ISAFP weeping as we sing the Alma Mater song in front of the television as the Graduation of the Class of 2002 sang it for the last time as cadets.

The day before, as the graduating cadets were given the traditional honor of being dunked at the sun dial, I saw him, now 2lt Tingson (I'd rather call him caloy). He was already wet, clad in shorts, a green shirt and in slippers. I asked where his parents were as I want to see his mother who was my mother's officemate a long time ago. As we were walking, I was holding his plaques, the awards that he received (he really did well after being discharged and that ISAFP room incident) I told him "Akalain mo grumaduate ka rin." It was a remark brought about by my happiness to the fact that the three of us who sang the Alma Mater song in that room sometime in March 2002 are all cadets. Although we aree not classmates anymore, with me now being the most junior, we have a bond that has been fortified by our experiences as discharged cadets dreaming to given another chance at pursuing our ambitions. In that room four years ago, a bond was made, a bond that I believed will last forever. Next year will be Tonnette's turn and then finally it will be me. Just imagine the turn of events, how we were so sad after being discharged. How we talked until the wee hours of the night about PMA longing for it. How in the end we eventually found ourselves inside PMA again as cadets happy and contented. It is in fact, a real life success story of three young dreamers, who dared to pursue the desires of their heart no matter the consequences. So, the graduation last 25 March for me is in fact the victory of dreams. It was a revelation of the awesome wonder of human life beginning with a dream and ending in a handshake from the president that marked its culmination. And so as I go down from Baguio yesterday heading home, I was contemplating on my next challenge as a second class cadet. I am a bit confused with what is about to happen in the succedding months but then I remembered, how life can just go to its proper place at the proper time, just as how it is now. Well that is simply human life. Congratulations to all graduates.

Loving...

Last night, as I was about to sleep, a friend sent me a frantic message about depression. It was one of those times that I was the only one who can comfort her and all I could do was text her. Our discussion came to the point that I have to discuss to her about my preception on love. She said that it was a feeling of some sort that one feels for another, she even used the term "may mga bagay na kinahuhumalingan" in referrence to the person. And so I told her my idea on the subject. That event plus another message from another person who was simply being crazy. Maybe out of her hatred for me, she has completely forgotten being rational and has not realized that she is in fact becoming funny. So I decided to write about my definition of love.

As I go on with my life, my ideas on these things have become more and more detailed. In each experience I am able to gain insights and thus more and more is added to my idealism. So in the concept of love I have come to the understanding that it is a gift from God and it is not something that is from us, it is within us but it is God who placed it and it is in His sole control. In fact, it is God in us. As a young Christian then who was very zealous to practice his new faith, I read and reread the Bible on what it say's about love, particularly the one written by the apostle Paul. It was a wonder that despite of reading it for so many times, I just can not see the point of the definition. Maybe it was because I was trying to equate it to something related to romance in the end I just can not understand it. As time passed I begin to experience God's goodness and that suddenly I just realized that in the general concept of that definition is simply the nature of God. I remembered how I adored my mother for being such a wonderful matriarch who was willing to give it all for her children, swallowing her pride and ignoring her feelings. I remember my Auntie Arlene, who despite of my being so stubborn has never ceased to care for me and has exhausted all effort see to it that I am well. I remember my Kuya, who after I spent a huge part of his hard earned money over some stupid thing, just remained a brother and saw it as an opportunity to teach me a lesson and make me appreciate family. I remember my Nanay Mediong, who in her capacity has become a mother to us despite of all the trouble I placed myself into even ignoring her own personal happiness. I can actually write so much about people that have showed me great love and in the end I realized that love is not just a feeling. Surely someone who treats somebody with leprosy does not feel good treating them(yuck!!!) but what makes them continue to do what they do is simply because of the love they have. Even in romance, I'm pretty sure that not all wives feel good about their husband who snores or maybe who has gained weight, but it is the love in them that sustains them despite of these seemingly unlovable circumstances. The bottom line is it is in fact something that is not of but rather beyond us, beyond we can even imagine. I remember this couple that I know from church. Her husband had all the vices in the world but out of her love, she continuoulsy prayed for her husband. She gave up a good paying job and did what she had to do for her husband. She was asking God to put love in her husband's heart. By some miracle, after two children, a marriage that was so bad for several years, love came into the heart of her husband. Now, they are as happy as ever, a family that I envy, The secret: it was God who came into the picture.

Now why do I say all these. I have observed that for most of us especially my generation, we have come to believe that our life here is based on what we feel. If it feels good it must be right. I wonder how right is my being a cadet when all I can think of is how tiring it is to endure just one day. I realized that it is never about us but it is always about God who gives us this wonderful gift. Our dreams are actually love that God placed in our hearts on something that we want to pursue. Our ability to be human is love that God placed for us to act human. Our ability to love another person is God's gift that draws us to another person. Yes, it is true, sometimes it is hard to distinguish these things but really love is God in action. The reason why love does not fail because it is how God works and surely God never fails. I'm challenging people who read this to open their Bibles and read the text in Corinthians 13 and reevaluate their concept on love.

My prayer is that we gain understanding in the real meaning of love so that we may be able to love as it was intended.

On Being a WORM

A friend (I do not know if she still is a friend) sent me a message earlier while I was in the bus from Baguio going to Manila. She said that she would like to believe that Miriam Defensor-Santiago was correct in calling the military worms. At first, I did not understand what she meant but then suddenly it dawned on me that she really was starting to hate me. She sent the message because she wanted to express hatred or maybe not. Of course, the remark was a result of some unreleased tension between the two of us over an unresolved conflict and that would be another story. But going back, I told her that I can not do anything to convince her otherwise I will just have to go on do what I think I should do as a soldier. As I was thinking comfortably seated in the bus, I thought she might just be right.

Considering the so many controversies regarding destabilization plots involving the members of the military, its not a wonder that some people like my friend, or my former friend, would believe remarks that they hear from everywhere. Perhaps the remark that she heard was something that she felt she can use as an attack against me. Honestly I do not blame her, but again I must say that inasmuch as my ways are not what people expect them to be, I haven't had the slightest intention of hurting anybody, I am just being sincere and honest. If you'd ask me, I owe that to the people that I consider friends. I wouldn't go around telling people things that I do not mean. Anyway, going back to that remark by that girl, I kind of started to think. I was thinking about the so many questions that I heard from people that I meet. I remember the time when I was in the bar of an uncle while on break in our province, one councilor asked me about the issues about coup'd'etat and destabilization. Of course, I was prepared to answer his queries, but I realized that in most instances we can not really answer such questions. I realized that while most of us live a different life inside the halls of Fort del Pilar, the rest of the world continuously form their opinions on us either because they hate one cadet, or they heard a remark from some politician, or they simply want to believe what they think; we can not do anything.

As a cadet, I have come to accept that sometimes our status as cadets deny us of certain rights that is enjoyed by a regular citizen of this state. While in Naga, one student asked me "what do you think is the state of Freedom of Expression in your school?" Considering that I was in civilian clothes she was unaware that I am a cadet. My reply was: "The moment I took my oath, I have given up my freedom of expressions." Perhaps given more opportunity, I can just say that to my friend who sent me that dreaded text message. I guess whatever her reasons are, she is actually free to think whatever she pleases. She can shout on the street and rant about the "wormity" of soldiers. She can write in her paper (she is the editor of her paper, by the way) regarding the cruelty, ignorance, conceit or of other bad traits that she happens to notice over one PMA cadet that she met and maybe she can convince her readers and later on they can start organizing some concerted campaign to call for the closure of the Philippine Military Academy for producing a bunch of conceited spoiled government brats who end up wanting to topple the government. Well, she can basically do what she wants just as anyone of you can do what you want, you can scream at the top of your voice and say "mga pu**ng i*a nyong lahat." For my part, despite of the so many things that are happening, even if I just hate it how some of my upperclass are just so irresponsible, I will keep silent. Maybe I can write some of it in this blog, but generally I'll keep my mouth shut. At night, I will include all of my feelings in my prayer asking God to give me the peace of mind not to be affected by what is happening. I will continue to do what I have to do, study hard, march around when told, run 5.5 kilometers to mantain my physique, write my articles for the Corps Magazine, iron my uniforms, shine my shoes, listen to my instructors, take care of my underclass and then hope to graduate. Once I graduate, I will move on to bigger responsibilities, maybe attack some NPA camp, capture a certain rebel leader, rescue a kidnapped VIP, reinforce a friendly unit undersiege and maybe, god forbid, die while doing all this responsibilities. When that happens, my friend may still continue telling everyone that soldiers are worms. I will be given a one minute prayer by the cadets before they eat their lunch, 21 bullets will be fired in my funeral, my family grieves and then my friend and all the others will continue to say that we are a bunch of worms. Well, in a few months after that I just might turn into a worm, but not after I fought and died for this country. Maybe she'll become successful, be an important person, I'll end up a worm and she'll tell the rest of the world that I am a worm. Well, you do the logic, at the end of it all she is right, I'll end up a worm. After all that has happened, she is right. But then I have to say that she will also end up a worm. After telling everyone that soldiers are a bunch of worms, she will end up as a worm also. As for me, after training hard in PMA, fight the enemies of this country, leave my family behind worried for my life, remained silent about remarks of people like her, we will be together in one community of worms. Well, just spot the difference.... I'm hoping she reads this... I really just hope. Sana maisip nya na kahit hindi ako nagsasalita, masakit na ganun kababaw sya mag-isip so what kung may kasalanan ako sa kanya sana nagalit na lang sya sa akin pinapatay nya ako or something rather than tell me right to my face na walang kwenta ang pagiging sundalo ko, walang kwenta lahat ng ginagawa kong sakripisyo at walang kwenta lahat ng kahibangan ko bilang isang hamak na kadete ng Philippine Military Academy, maawa ka naman kahit konti lang. Please...