Gael's Letters makes me want to cry

I want to cry at this moment. I was just surfing around passing not really knowing what to do even if I have a major exam tomorrow plus an assignment to write, eh sa talagang wala ako sa mood mag-aral eh. So I decided to just go through different blogs and I chanced upon this blog that just makes me cry. Basically, the blog is for the author's son, some sort of mommy's letter. It becomes a journal of the many things that happen, including frustrations, joys, excitement and all other emotions. Reading it, love just overflows for this young boy. It kind of reminds me of Daddy's diary from the year 1977 that I found so many years back. Before that, I always felt that he did not love me that much but reading that, I have the same feeling that I feel now. I think that for a child to be truly confident about himself he should feel loved and with the blog even if I am not the child I could really sense this aura of love. I'm not being sentimental really, the blog really just got me...

Kahit ano...

Ayoko talagang magsulat ngayon, naisip ko kagabi lang ako nag update tapos ngayon may sinusulat na naman ako. Kaya lang eh sa talagang ang daming tumatakbo sa utak ko na pag hindi ko sya sinulat baka mabaliw ako at ano maisipan kong gawin.

Ang sama sama ng pakiradam ko kagabi, siguro dahil naligo ako ng pagkalamig lamig na tubig nung hapon. Pakiramdam ko may lagnat ako nun pero ayoko namang magpa ospital kasi nga bukas eh bababa ako ng manila. So pinagtyagaan ko, para akong lasing na normal naman mag-isip pero talagang napakasakit lang ng ulo ko. Pag dating ko sa room ko galing magcomputer nahiga ako at nakaidlip ng kaunti, nagsimula na akong lamigin talaga na sure na sure na akong mauuwi sa malalang lagnat ang aking nararamdaman. Nung tumonog ang tattoo bandang 9:30 tumayo ako at umattend ng meeting tungkol sa mga bagong pakana ng PMA para daw mas maging "responsive" ang training namin. Binalita na sa lunes daw ay magkakaroon ng All Right ng unregistered cellphone. Ang ibig sabihin nun gagamitin na ang honor code para masigurado na lahat kami ay nakaregister ang cellphone. In short, dapat na talaga akong mag register at hindi na ako madalas makakapagtext sa mga tao kahit na halos wala na naman talagang nagtetext sa akin. Tapos pinag-usapan ang paghahanda sa Intramurals in two weeks time at yun bumalik na ako ng room ko nagbihis ng pantulog at natulog na.

Speaking of text, iniisip ko na itext ang aking crush. Kaya lang, dahil madalas naman eh nadedema lang ako hindi ko na tinuloy, instead eh sinulat ko na lang ang mga naiisip kong sabihin sa kanya. Dahil nga masama talaga ang pakiramdam ko, hindi na ako masyadong nag-isip ng mga kadramahan basta sinulat ko na lang kung ano talaga ang nasa utak ko, kumuha ng envelope tapos yun na, maya maya pagkatapos ko nito imamail ko na. Hindi pa rin ako mapakali sa tanong sa akin nung katext ko kahapon, kahit na sinulat ko na kung ano feeling ko, mahirap pa rin talaga pag hindi mo alam kung ano ang kalagayan ng mga bagay bagay. Lalo na kung parang yun na lang ang kaligayahan mo dahil ang lungkot lungkot na ng buhay dito sa Baguio. Naisip ko pa kagabi na siguro kung buhay pa ang nanay ko malamang kami lagi ang textmate. Medyo naiyak iyak tuloy ako ng maalala ko uli na wala na pala akong nanay.

Ang nanay ko kasi ay parang ako rin. Gusto laging may napapala sa mga ginagawa. Naalala ko nun nasa States na sya tapos tinanong nya bigla sa aking kung ano ang difference ng English Phonetics at International Phonetics. Ang totoo yung time lang na yun ko nalaman na may ganun pala. Kahit na na weweirdohan ako sa tanong hinanap ko pa rin, at nalaman ko na may koneksyon pala yun sa trends ng pag gamit ng mga salita. Ngayon alam ko na at pag nag susulat ako lagi kong iniisip ang relevance nun. Ay basta namimiss ko lang siguro talaga nanay ko at naiisip ko mga bagay bagay na mangyayari kung buhay pa sya. Naawa nga ako sa pamangkin ko kasi she will never be able to meet her grandmother, pati sister in law ko picture na lang ni Mommy ang inabot. Ano na lang pag ako ang nag-asawa at anak, hanggang kwento na lang ako. Ngayon pag may naiisip akong kabulastugan, naiisip ko na baka pagalitan ako ng nanay ko kaya hindi ko na ginagawa. Ngayon namromroblema ako kung paano magpapapansin sa crush ko, siguro kung buhay si Mommy meron syang sasabihin sa akin na ikatutuwa ko regarding the topic.

Hay nako, hanggang labas na lang ako ng sama ng loob. Sa mga taong sinusulatan ko pero ayaw magparamdam, I'm just crossing my fingers, malay mo may milagrong mangyari. At sa nanay ko, talagang ang dami nyang iniwan sa akin kahit na wala na sya at sana yung mga taong may mga nanay pa dyan lagi nilang pahalagahan ang bawat segundo na meron silang tatawaging Mommy, mama or nanay. Ako, ipagpapapalit ko lahat ng bagay na meron ako ngayon para lang bigyan ng kahit na isang pagkakataong mayakap ang nanay ko... hay naiiyak na naman ako....

Getting what we want or risking it

Exchanging text messages earlier with a friend, I had this thought of putting into words what is it that I am doing right now with my so called lovelife. And that will be my topic for this blog entry.

I really think that the world we are living now is full of so much pretensions that instead of just being who we are, we adjust to this pretensions so that we can gain people who will be with us. That was also how I was when people always commented that I was just noisy. The thing is, I never gain a good first impression to people that I meet. It is always two things it's either I am shallow or I am simply proud. That is what I get for trying to be myself, opinionated and admissibly noisy. In my younger years, I hated it when people think that way about me. I have always known myself as someone, and if I may say, hindi po ako masamang tao. Even if people will most of the time immediately notice how noisy I can get, I still mantain that I am not somebody who speaks about useless things or just being boastful. I have so much to say because with my kind of personality I just have so much things going through my head that I can not help but blurt it out. I mantain that if one will just listen to what I say, nothing purely rubbish comes out of my mouth.

So the friend asks me, did I ever ask this girl what she thinks about me. That led me to think that I just might be afraid of what answer she'll give. But I remembered, sometime ago I confronted that issue even before I made up my mind over this. I hate it when people do not go beyond what their first impression on me is and conclude that I am just someone not worth dealing with. Even if I want to gain friends, I want these friends to be my friends because they know the real Alex and not some cadet from the Philippine Military Academy who takes advantage of the prestige and status that PMA has built up. When I was confronted by the reality that I am becoming fond of this girl, I took a risk that I never took before.

Most people see courtship as impressing another, putting forward his best asset. The lady feels good about this someone who is just so impressive and she gives in. After that, she realizes that the man is some psychopath who does not care about her and she lives a nightmare. It is easy to "bolahize" people but it will be hard to be accepted as the true person that you are. I am taking the risk of exposing all my weaknesses, showing the real me and somehow make her understand that this is me: the person. In the letters that I send every week, I usually talk about the things that have happened in my life, especially the sad ones and tell her how I felt about these things. I tell her how these things changed my life and the lessons that I learned. I try my best not to impress her with things that are easy to compose but just depend on the sincerity of the things that I have to say and feel. So I was asked by my textmate, "Paano yan wala na syang itatanong sa'yo kasi sinabi mo na lahat?" I was not able to answer back but upon contemplating I understood that one lifetime is not really enough to know a person but what is important is we get to be known based on the things that are true rather than an image that we create. One time, she texted me about my being "makulit" further saying that she is already used to it. Now I realize that she may not really like everything that is about me. But the bottom line is my heart is pure and that I am a true person. If in the end she is able to appreciate it then that's a reward for the risk I took. If she does not, at least I am sincere and be myself.

Sometimes the greatest challenge we hurdle as a person is just getting what we want or risk it believing in the fairness of life. I am choosing the latter. I am choosing to believe that I will sow what I reap and my heart tells me that she is worth the risk. When all is said and done, no matter how it will end, I am choosing to believe that I will get what I deserve. I am crossing my fingers everytime I write my letters at the same time I am believing that God is good all the time.

Some blog I read

I was browsing through different blogs when I chanced upon this blog. I thought it was funny how she is fascinated about what to do on her ex's birthday even decidin to send him a text message while I wonder what kind of text message I send this girl for her to at least reply. I think our concerns are both extremes. I guess I would be happy if some ex will send me some greeting on my birthday even if it is the simplest birthday greeting. As she said, coz once upon a time, we were in love. But now, with my predicament, I often wonder what is this that I am feeling right now. I guess each has their own struggle and each wonder how to deal with it. In the end there is really no point at cracking our heads in finding the best thing to do at everything that we feel even if it is about our exes or people that we care for. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to simply allow ourselves into the situation so that we can feel it and then we can decide better. In the end, however it turned out, we will still be getting what we deserve.

I'm feeling bad or good or whatever

I do not know how I am feeling right now. Its not that I am so ambitious about the things that will happen to my life, but there are just things that I really want to have. I just learned from an upperclass that I failed to make it in the selection process of some congress that I was recommended on. I do not know how they select it but I have been dreaming about this conference ever since I learned about it. When I was a fourthclass cadet, I was in awe seeing second class cadets going to this congress and from there I started to dream. In my yearling year, one participant even asked me to write his write-up for that congress so that he will be selected, and he did. Now its my turn and I will not get the chance to write something for me to be allowed to join that congress. I am not being conceited, I know that there are so many of my classmates who are very qualified to join that conference, but I really feel I should be chosen. Well who cares what I feel, its their decision anyway. This led me to question how this selection process works. For one, last year's top seeded candidates from the Academy's selection process were sacked of their chance when they finally faced the selection process for the congress itself. I can just conclude that the selection process here and the selection of the actual congress is not a match. Well you draw your conclusion I am really just pouring out my feelings over this upset. I do not know, I think I am praying for some miracle, maybe for something. At the end of it all I will just have to accept my fate and understand that life is not always how we want it, we lose some, win some but always we have to learn from every experience. I think I'm just feeling bad because I'm missing an opportunity that will never be offered to me again. Even if I will end up to become some great general in the future I will always remember this instance when I was just not good enough and it feels so bad. I do not want to dwell on this anymore.

I have finished writing my feature article for Project ISLAM. I wrote about this project a couple of weeks back in this blog but decided to write a full story of this project because I was really amazed with it. When I first heard about it in chuch I almost wanted to cry hearing how moving loving our brother muslims can be. It is a story of how love can conquer all even the greatest conflict known to the history of mankind. I felt that the least I can do is to tell the whole world of this project so that it can gain more and more support. I do not want to spoil what I wrote for the Corps Magazine but I will try my best to write something about this project so that I can declare its message even to those who will never have the opportunity to read our magazine. Just wait for it.

I realized that I haven't read a book for a while. The books that come my way these days are just not good and I haven't had the opportunity to go to a bookstore and by myself one. I am writing more these days, not writing about something but writing TO someone. Even if there are so many things that I feel bad about, especially about that congress at the beginning of this blog, it just makes me smile everything I think about this person that I am writing to every week. Last Friday, she finally answered some of my text messages and it was as if there was electricity flowing through my veins. I was just so happy even if she simply answered some question and that our exchange just had a sudden death. Nevertheless, I still cherish that night. She just made me so happy without her doing anything... Well, at least I am feeling this emotions even if I am not going to that congress... here I go again. I guess I just had to go now...