A Community of Dreamers

Note: This post was written on a Sunday. The connection bogged down and so it was actually posted only today. Nevertheless, I travelled back in time to make sure that the day reflects that actual date this was written. Thanks

I was talking to someone I look up to at church this morning and she was telling me about a blind spot that I might have ignored in writing in this blog. She said that maybe because I do not write about the good things in the Academy that I offend people for the bias that appears in this website. I guess I really failed at that for these good things are precisely the reason why I remain hopeful and stay here. I honestly think that there are more good things in PMA than the bad things that I keep on writing about only that human nature tends to dwell much on the negative rather than highlight the positive. Already being aware of that, I decided to write about the good things, stories that people should know about despite of the complains I have. The world is not perfect even inside the country's premier military school.

If I was to describe PMA in the simplest way I would have to say that it is a community of dreamers. I say this because I honestly think that everyone who comes here is in search for a dream. Unlike any other schools, entering PMA is not as simple and this complexity is enhanced further when trying to stay inside it. When one decides to become a cadet, he or she does not just choose a new school but also departs from the life that he or she has lived for the past at least 17 years of his or her life. It is a choice that will change ones life forever all in pursuit of the elusive dream. For some, it is their only hope out of poverty, others want to become soldiers and so many other reason but all in all each of us here took the road for something that we believe is worth all the hardships we are to experience. Despite of my several complaints about so many things, the loneliness, the frustrations and all others that people may percieve as negative, I, too, am in pursuit of my dream.

A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of having some chit chat with the Superintendent, General Maligalig. It was a conversation brought about by a visitor from the United States who happens to be my squadmate's scholarship benefactor back when he was still studying at a civilian school. I really look up to the Superintendent and I saw the event as an opportunity to capture some insight from a man I truly admire. We talked about cadet training then and now, about the changes and at one time he even asked me of the effects of various policies that has been implemented recently. Walking back to barracks after that, I was mesmerized by the things that I learned and realized how so much is invested to see to it that I come out of this Academy better than I first laid my eyes on it. I guess my description is not just true to the cadets for even the highest ranking general in this part of the world is still a dreamer in his own right. I mean he dreams of good people leading this country forward, he dreams of the Academy being the best leadership school in the country and many others. In a larger context our dreams: me and the other cadets and the many other men and women here, all are dreaming for a better place, a better situation and in general terms a better country. If one was to just analyze everything, this is, in fact, a community of dreamers for a better country. Whether people will agree with me or not, that is why PMA stands out against other academic institutions in this country.

The Philippine Military Academy is in fact a place where people realize the value of one person in making a difference. They are imbued with the highest sense of honor, invested with so much of the country's money believing that in their hands lies the answer to our country's perrenial problems. Just like any other instititions, it is never perfect, the road to anything significant is never on flat ground but always on those with holes and unforgiving terrain. Those who triumph over these things do not only become victorious for themselves but also become a source of pride and hope for others afraid to tread the same road. They believe that there is not an obtacle hard enough that a dreamer's heart can not hurdle. Inside the academy is that light of hope, although not pure white (and everyone tries their best to make it as white as possible) but strong enough to show to the world that something can be done to whatever hardship, its just a matter of determination, hardwork and of course faith. I believe that is the reason why I am still here and I honestly believe that others will see that light and be touched by that flicker of hope that will make the big difference.

My daddy's difficulty

I do not want to write about love anymore, I'm thinking that I might get sick of it. I will just write about family. I guess I was bothered when suddenly my sister in law asks me "kung uso ba daw ang thank you sa family ko." I think there is some truth to what my sister in law was asking. With her question I just realized that my family is the type who barely say thank you to each other but there is more to that.

My father grew up in a family that had a very silent father and strict mother. I could remember how he tells us stories of how terrifying it was to commit something wrong and suffer the wrath of his mother. The thing that he was just confident of himself at that time was he was intelligent. I mean modesty aside my family on the father's side do have the brains. In his school in the province his andhis other sibling's names are written in some wall to honor how good they were when they were studying there. Having both parents as teachers, there was simply no excuse to perform badly in academics. Other than that my father had nothing too much to boast of and he grew up not really being able to nurture some social skills (I guess, I really do not know). Being in that kind of family he wasn't much of a vocal person like me, it will take some time before he will really speak out and tell you what he feels, most of the time he expects you to read between the lines. That was my father, my mother on the other hand was always keen on expression. She would say I love yous every now and then and to some point I got that from her. So on the issue that my family is not so good at thank yous is not true they are just not vocal about it especially to people within their family. The truth is, especially daddy, he is just not so good at showing affection to his family but he is affectionate. You can hear him talking about us to all of his friends, to people that he met proudly declaring how good his children are. He does not say that he appreciates some things and yet he shows it by being proud of it. For a time, that was also my struggle with him, I always felt that I wasn't appreciated by my father enough. Later on, as I meet people that he knows personally, I blush at how flattering his descriptions of me to these people. I realize that he is just like that.

I do not know how long my sister in law will realize that thing with Daddy, but I hope she will. Despite of Daddy's shortcomings, I know Daddy is one of the most lovable persons in this world you will just have to take note of certain things regarding his personality. I hope my sister in law reads this. I guess we all have problems in the family but as I always say, we never as in NEVER give up on family......

Another Quickpost

Is there really some big fascination on the Kristine Hermosa and Diether Ocampo affair? I just monitored another visit on this website that found this site after searching Kristine Hermosa and Diether Ocampo... Hahaha it's funny really but I guess that's the beauty of search engines... :)

Cancelled break, happy state and other things

Academic Break for me is definitely off. Yesterday, the First Sergeant informed me that I am definitely not going on break this October. Of course I felt bad, who wouldn't want to get some reprieve on the monotony of life inside this Academy, but since I knew beforehand that it was possible I already started preparing myself for the eventuality and so as I was seated on my chair, I just accepted my fate. I will not be able to go to Daddy's Camp in Mindanao, I will not be able to visit friends, I won't be able to buy the new camera I was saving money for and I will not be able to use it for this year's Pintaflores in San Carlos. I'm now thinking of all the fun I can get "touring" the PMA grounds and making sure no intruder will come in. I am thinking of having my cyst removed and relaxing within the confines of the hospital. Well, I'm hoping that something good might come out of this experience.

I still am happy despite of my cancelled break. I do not know if it is just me but somehow the effect isn't that bad. Even as I write this entry I am not thinking of the break I will be missing but rather someone I am missing. I guess my moment of acceptance the past days triggered so much emotions that were held back and suddenly opened up which might have caused my happy state. But then again, I just do not know, I am just contented with the way things are happening. I also realize that there is some form of freedom that one experiences that comes with acceptance of things, just as my acceptance of the feelings I am having.

With so many people very much preoccupied with how things should be done on matters of the heart, sometimes it becomes the focus rather than the state of being in love itself. A long time ago one acquaintance ask me the simple question "Ano ang ginawa kong mali?" I did not know how to answer the question, I felt that it wasn't supposed to be asked because personally I feel that love is solely based on hope. I mean we can so so many things but ultimately we can just hope that it will turn out well. I believe there is no clear cut formula and that I stand on the principle that it is simply believing that it will endure despite of the challenges life has to offer. This is not to say that we can not do anything, of course we should do our share but in the end we do not have the choice but to believe. And so I go with that already in place, I would like to think that rather than cracking our heads scrutinizing everything hoping to understand why certain things happen we should be more into the reality that we experienced being in the state of love. I am not saying I do not want things to happen the way I imagine it but I am fully convinced that it is never about me, if God decides for it to happen then I will be forever thankful (I can just imagine the "huh??" look on the people reading this hehehe). I am happy that I am able to experience being in the state and will continue to do so but am still fully convinced that it will come in God's time.

Other things

• I am being asked to write a story for this year's 100 Night Show and no good idea is still coming out of my mind, if you have suggestions kindly use the contact form on the side
• I do not have a good read since March and I am looking for suggestions
• The Corps Magazine will come out later this month... just wait for it...

The prayer of a longing heart

I said a simple prayer after taking my dinner this evening. It was some prayer that I haven't said for a while.

These past days had been somewhat of a haze. With so many things going on, I have somewhat forgotten the things that I like doing and concentrated so much on what I had to do. With the Formal Dinner last saturday, I was more preoccupied with not being slugged for not finding a partner rather than be happy by the fact that I am about to experience something that can only be experienced when one goes up to the ladder in the Academy. The next day in Church, trying to ward of drowsiness from lack of sleep the day before, I busied myself with teaching the children at Sunday School the song they were to perform for the Church Anniversary a few weeks from now. I was amazed by the patience of the other young people teaching them and felt sorry for myself for not having that much patience, I'd rather have plebes than little children below 10 years old. Then yesterday, I tried myself to write something of sense in this blog hoping that I can come up with something worth reading. Reading it now, I realized that the beauty of what I write here is that my heart speaks through the words, last night's entry was an attempt to sound concerned. It is not to say that I am not concerned with the affairs of the country, its just that at that time, my heart occupied more pressing issues in my personality. As I stand in silent prayer after dinner earlier this evening, I realized that my heart had been longing for something. I then went on for study period reviewing for my major exam tomorrow, I was gazing at the different things I placed in my study table still very contemplative although trying to remember the facts about the medieval period which will be my exam tomorrow. Then familiar songs played in the computer behind me, songs that I love to sing, songs of praise and worship. I realized God was trying to talk to me, He was whispering to my heart. I finally heeded the urge, and started walking towards the computer laboratory, I wanted to understand the longings of my heart.

It was not long ago when I started feeling differently about the things that are happening to me. This different feeling has developed into a longing for something or rather for someone. Believe it or not there is never a day that I do not think of that someone. A few months ago I decided that I will just wait how things will come. I will never be agressive, I will never push my luck. I decided to stand firm in my convictions that love will come in a manner that only God dictates. The letters that I wrote her once a week became an activity that I looked forward to and for no apparent reason my life suddenly drifted around her. It's surprising because she never replied to any of the letters I sent her and yet each day I grow more and more engrossed by my feelings. I continued to ponder on this finding reason but finally just believing that something is happening outside my understanding. The love letter that I wrote a few days ago was something that came out just by thinking about her while my entries has somewhat revolved on topics about love. The Formal Dinner last saturday although a disaster became somewhat of a cause for anticipation of next year's Formal Dinner. The talk of our rings coming and other class memorabilias do not come to me as a sign of achieving my dreams but a reminder that there has to be someone with me when I achieve my dreams. Maybe I am just imagining things, seeing everything as a reflection of something that I do not have but I remembered my prayer a long long time ago I realized she was the one, I said to God "Lord, guide my heart." I gave it all up to Him the moment I felt that tickle in my system and I am believing that it still is. With all the "funny" feelings I have I can just be hopeful and continue to believe in the beauty of this wonderful journey that I am going through. I guess I really am in love, by all means my heart tells me that I am in that state and I am finally accepting it. As I stand in silence talking to God in one dark corner with several others saying their own concerns, I finaly admitted to God that I love her and I am trusting God to do what He has to do.