Being TOO Honest

Is there such a thing as being too honest? I contemplated on that question after I sent my letter last monday. It was one of those letters that kept me worried fearing that she might get angry with my honesty. Yes I was always honest with what I write to her but with that letter it was just different, I felt that I was just too honest.

I really think that for a person to really know you honesty is the best policy. Not that you will be punished but you simply follow your heart and do not pretend anything. In today's generation, we have come to believe that first impression always last. We stick at it even if in the end we find out that the first impression is really just an impression. I learned that it is better to have a bad first impression but later realize there was more good to that person even if the first impression he creates is not that good. So I go back to being honest. I reasoned that if I was just true to myself people will like me for who I am and that will be the best reason will like you. But then again my letter writing is a different thing, sometimes there is this constant urge to put on a show. Now the letter this week was a confession about how my feelings and what I wanted to do contradict inside me. In one end I sometimes feel bad about not receiving any reply from here, on another she continues to make me smile and be happy about everything that is happening in my life. In this irony, I told her what I felt not withholding anything, sealed the envelope and sent it only to regret it after sometime. I contemplated if my being honest was just too much that she'd hate me for it. I do not know because even if I hate it I also know that it is the only way I should do it, I am totally convinced that I will simply follow my heart and leave it all up to God. I guess the point is my convictions are contradicting with wanting to get the desired results and controlling the situation. I still mantain that I have to be honest and sincere.

He is not stupid

I was worried in my sleep last night. When I read the squad notes of my plebe he said:

1. I am a walking endorsement (in our parlance endorsement means offense)
2. I am stupid
3. I can not do anything right
4. I am an embarrassment

Reading that, I was worried because not only was my squadmate giving up on his ability to learn what he is supposed to do but he has gave in to negativism. I spent the night thinking about what I was to do and become more worried.

It is true that he is having a hard time. Yesterday afternoon, he spent 3 minutes just fixing his rice. He smells very bad, his posture is so bad, he can not fix his uniform properly and he always fumbles and everything that he does. But then so are other plebes, that is the same case when I was a plebe ang God knows who else who have been to plebehood. At the beginning of the term, I had the opportunity to talk to his parents. His parents were a loving couple which was very evident. They loved their son so much, later in a letter I received from her mother, they revealed that my squadmate is now the eldest but not technically because the real one died. When I asked him before what his father does he immediately said that his father is a garbage collector. When I read one of his letter to his parents a few months back, I realized that he was a child. He was a child who loved his family and with big dreams and for me that was enough.

I do not believe that it has to take some kind of brilliant mind for anyone to hurdle plebehood. I believe that even in the real world, all of us experience our own kind of plebehood. We lose our ability to do things the way it should be done, we fumble at the slightest things and do all kinds of stupid stuff. We fail at things but what matters is the attitude we exhibit. My squadmate isn't all bad really. My instructor who is the course director of his History subject always tells us of this plebe who is just so good and it was my squadmate. I asked around when he spoke in front of the crowd for the Discussion and Debate Society and they all said he made sense, a good sense at that. I asked about his grades and it was very good except of course on his Math subject which he always complains to be hard. Despite of how bad he may seem, it is not hard to find the good things in him especially that all I want to do is to enhance these good things and correct the bad ones. He may think that he is stupid, an idiot, an embarrasment yet he forgets that he is in fact a cadet in the Country's Premier Military School and however you put it that is an achievement in itself.

This morning I talked to him. I told him how I felt about what he wrote. I told him that he can not possibly pass the screening to PMA if he was stupid. He may be having a hard time but stupid is not the reason for it. I told him about the wonderful things that his parents have told me, about being proud of himself and about being positive about the hardships he is experiencing. I reminded him of his family whom he will be meeting next month if Recognition Day pushes through. I could see that his eyes was already becoming watery. I know he wanted to cry and I also was at the brink of crying. I remembered all my reasons for being in PMA and I realized he was part of that reason. My role as a squad leader is not merely to improve my leadership skills but also to be an inspiration to others. I felt very emotional because at that moment I knew that his dreams of overcoming all the obstacles he was going through was being played inside his mind.

I do not know how he will react this afternoon when we eat in the mess hall. There is never a time that when I say my grace before meals that I do not include him and the other plebes in my prayers, I will have to do my show again. I will shout at him, continuosly coerce him to do what he is supposed to do, I will make his life another living hell. I just hope that this time around he will not think that he is stupid, he will not think that he is an idiot, nor he will think that is an embarrassment. I would want that as I do my act as his squad leader he will remember that I was once like him and I made it through plebehood. I can just hope and maybe just maybe to that one young plebe he will realize that and gain inspiration to be proud of himself and continue to persevere. I just hope.

Amusing Blogs: Q 4 U

When I was in third year high school I used to cut school every Social Studies class. I did not like the teacher nor was I interested to actually learn about economics. I do not know how I passed the subject, I just did. When I cut class I do not do it to do something else like play computer and all that stuff, I simply do not want to attend the subject and I come back just in time for the next one. In all those times that I leisurely walk and waste the time away I was with someone who felt the same way about the subject I am referring to. It was one of those times that we get to talk about things and it was fun and we were never caught... that person is Jhett.

Jhett is the owner of the blog Q 4 U. I use to envy the way she composes her thoughts and put it into writing. There is so much emotion and she describes something very vividly that you could feel that you are part of the thing she is writing about. That is the reason why her blog is also very good. She writes well and has a knack for visual graphics which is a perfect combination. Her blog is, obviously, about her life only that she writes it very well. There is so much emotion and you just can't help it but be carried away.

A Community of Dreamers

Note: This post was written on a Sunday. The connection bogged down and so it was actually posted only today. Nevertheless, I travelled back in time to make sure that the day reflects that actual date this was written. Thanks

I was talking to someone I look up to at church this morning and she was telling me about a blind spot that I might have ignored in writing in this blog. She said that maybe because I do not write about the good things in the Academy that I offend people for the bias that appears in this website. I guess I really failed at that for these good things are precisely the reason why I remain hopeful and stay here. I honestly think that there are more good things in PMA than the bad things that I keep on writing about only that human nature tends to dwell much on the negative rather than highlight the positive. Already being aware of that, I decided to write about the good things, stories that people should know about despite of the complains I have. The world is not perfect even inside the country's premier military school.

If I was to describe PMA in the simplest way I would have to say that it is a community of dreamers. I say this because I honestly think that everyone who comes here is in search for a dream. Unlike any other schools, entering PMA is not as simple and this complexity is enhanced further when trying to stay inside it. When one decides to become a cadet, he or she does not just choose a new school but also departs from the life that he or she has lived for the past at least 17 years of his or her life. It is a choice that will change ones life forever all in pursuit of the elusive dream. For some, it is their only hope out of poverty, others want to become soldiers and so many other reason but all in all each of us here took the road for something that we believe is worth all the hardships we are to experience. Despite of my several complaints about so many things, the loneliness, the frustrations and all others that people may percieve as negative, I, too, am in pursuit of my dream.

A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of having some chit chat with the Superintendent, General Maligalig. It was a conversation brought about by a visitor from the United States who happens to be my squadmate's scholarship benefactor back when he was still studying at a civilian school. I really look up to the Superintendent and I saw the event as an opportunity to capture some insight from a man I truly admire. We talked about cadet training then and now, about the changes and at one time he even asked me of the effects of various policies that has been implemented recently. Walking back to barracks after that, I was mesmerized by the things that I learned and realized how so much is invested to see to it that I come out of this Academy better than I first laid my eyes on it. I guess my description is not just true to the cadets for even the highest ranking general in this part of the world is still a dreamer in his own right. I mean he dreams of good people leading this country forward, he dreams of the Academy being the best leadership school in the country and many others. In a larger context our dreams: me and the other cadets and the many other men and women here, all are dreaming for a better place, a better situation and in general terms a better country. If one was to just analyze everything, this is, in fact, a community of dreamers for a better country. Whether people will agree with me or not, that is why PMA stands out against other academic institutions in this country.

The Philippine Military Academy is in fact a place where people realize the value of one person in making a difference. They are imbued with the highest sense of honor, invested with so much of the country's money believing that in their hands lies the answer to our country's perrenial problems. Just like any other instititions, it is never perfect, the road to anything significant is never on flat ground but always on those with holes and unforgiving terrain. Those who triumph over these things do not only become victorious for themselves but also become a source of pride and hope for others afraid to tread the same road. They believe that there is not an obtacle hard enough that a dreamer's heart can not hurdle. Inside the academy is that light of hope, although not pure white (and everyone tries their best to make it as white as possible) but strong enough to show to the world that something can be done to whatever hardship, its just a matter of determination, hardwork and of course faith. I believe that is the reason why I am still here and I honestly believe that others will see that light and be touched by that flicker of hope that will make the big difference.

My daddy's difficulty

I do not want to write about love anymore, I'm thinking that I might get sick of it. I will just write about family. I guess I was bothered when suddenly my sister in law asks me "kung uso ba daw ang thank you sa family ko." I think there is some truth to what my sister in law was asking. With her question I just realized that my family is the type who barely say thank you to each other but there is more to that.

My father grew up in a family that had a very silent father and strict mother. I could remember how he tells us stories of how terrifying it was to commit something wrong and suffer the wrath of his mother. The thing that he was just confident of himself at that time was he was intelligent. I mean modesty aside my family on the father's side do have the brains. In his school in the province his andhis other sibling's names are written in some wall to honor how good they were when they were studying there. Having both parents as teachers, there was simply no excuse to perform badly in academics. Other than that my father had nothing too much to boast of and he grew up not really being able to nurture some social skills (I guess, I really do not know). Being in that kind of family he wasn't much of a vocal person like me, it will take some time before he will really speak out and tell you what he feels, most of the time he expects you to read between the lines. That was my father, my mother on the other hand was always keen on expression. She would say I love yous every now and then and to some point I got that from her. So on the issue that my family is not so good at thank yous is not true they are just not vocal about it especially to people within their family. The truth is, especially daddy, he is just not so good at showing affection to his family but he is affectionate. You can hear him talking about us to all of his friends, to people that he met proudly declaring how good his children are. He does not say that he appreciates some things and yet he shows it by being proud of it. For a time, that was also my struggle with him, I always felt that I wasn't appreciated by my father enough. Later on, as I meet people that he knows personally, I blush at how flattering his descriptions of me to these people. I realize that he is just like that.

I do not know how long my sister in law will realize that thing with Daddy, but I hope she will. Despite of Daddy's shortcomings, I know Daddy is one of the most lovable persons in this world you will just have to take note of certain things regarding his personality. I hope my sister in law reads this. I guess we all have problems in the family but as I always say, we never as in NEVER give up on family......