Don't worry, be happy

When I sat in front of the computer, I was not in the mood to write anything. I was just passing time jumping from one website to another, browsing through friendster accounts, reading blogs and just doing what I felt was doing. I wanted to put myself in some zone for me to be able to write something really serious as I promised in my last post. I did discovered some things but was not able to go to that serious zone I was intending to be in, instead I find myself happy and so I decided to just write the reasons why I became happy all of a sudden.

My first stop was the rankings of Pinoytopblogs where I was monitoring my ranking. By some twist of fate I moved 20 ranks up. When I later checked traffic in Sitemeter I was surprised by the numbers of visitors I had in the last 24 hours from all over. Although some were random visitiors who found my blog by searching Diether Ocampo in Blogger (it's weird I know) most of them took time to really read through my entries. Some even came back several hours after which I could only assume is a good thing. Its really just too bad that my shout box is no longer in operation I would certainly want to know what these visitors thought about. I guess that started to make me smile.

My next stop were the friendster accounts of people I miss. I went to my friends list and just randomly clicked at the pictures of people. I read testimonial and viewed pictures. One testimonial caught my attention. It was Visayan and it was something about being "hubog" it was so funny that I ended up missing my dear cousin and tagay-mate Mai-mai. Personally, she is just one of the few reasons why I feel bad at not going on break when this semester ends in two weeks. I loved the picture of Nani jumping to the air in her jolly state with all smiles, I couldn't help but miss her bitchy remarks. Then there is Darius who posted wedding pictures, I thought all the while that he was the one being married. The thing with him is that his girlfriend was incidentally a classmate in my speech class back when I was still enrolled at Silliman. There is even the possibility that I met her first before Darius knew who she was. I could just remember our radio play about little red riding hood (that was fun). I am really hoping that you'll get to understand what I am talking about so I am trying my best to post the links to their friendster accounts. I know that the reason I consider all of what I am saying as fun is because I know this people personally and had lots of personal experience with them, but I really hope you'll understand what I am saying.

The one that really hyped up my happy meter are the new pictures posted by my crush (haha hindi ko na ipopost ang link ng friendster account nya). It just seems that she is so happy with her life now compared to the previous months where she was always lonely and sad to say bitter. I mailed her a letter yesterday and I am hoping she'll reply to me finally. I do not know although there are really times that I find myself funny writing her every week despite of her non reply but I still enjoy it. I maybe weird but at least I am enjoying my weirdness. I do not know what will happen in the end, I guess it will boil down to what God has in store for me.

So I'm still smiling. I'm smiling because of the realization that there are so many things to smile about, despite of me not going on break, despite of being huddled up in this sort of prison. The thing is happiness is everywhere, it comes from the appreciation of the blessings around us and the gratefulness of everything that God has given. We may not have the best of circumstances yet there is plenty of reasons to smile about. The incident this morning at the mess hall draws out this point. The Cadet First Captain was to command Batallions Rise (this is the command to mean that our meals are over and that its time to leave the mess hall). The music being played was not yet paused when he made this command. As he started his command, everyone sat in attention and the whole mess hall was quiet. Then the song erupted.... "Don't worry, be happy" There were giggles from all of us. I can not help it but relate it to my situation. Well you do the connection the thing is smile people... Don't worry.... BE HAPPY!!!

Just things that happened

A while ago we watched the GAME PLAN episode that featured the Sports and Physical Development of PMA. I did not have a grasp on how wholistic the program was and surprisingly the program was able to capture it they were even the ones who educated me of the program applied to me.

Speaking of physical development, me and my plebes ran the checkpoint route for the first time together. I am slacking at making the roadruns choosing sleeping more over these physical activities. But in lieu of the recent happening regarding the state of the morale of my plebes, I decided to bond with them through activities like this. After finishing the 5.5 kilometer run, we all headed to the swimming pool to finally fulfill the promise I made to one of my plebes on teaching him how to swim. I realized that people who grew up in baguio do not know how to swim or at least most of them. My plebe was really having a hard time keeping himself afloat and it took a while before he learned to kick properly yet still can not finish the whole 25 meter length of the pool. The other one knew how to swim only that he hates the cold temperature of the water. The other one surprisingly, did not know how to swim even if he is from a place where there is abundance of bodies of water. We did some drills, taught them the basics had some laughs and had fun. I will have to see later what they will write in their squad notes about the activity we did.

I sent another letter earlier today. It was a casual letter that I wrote in 30 minutes. I discarded the one I wrote last thursday for some reason. I just did not feel like sending it or maybe I realized that I did not want to say those things to her.

The Academic term is almost done and so far it was a good semester with one subject trying its best to make me take the final exam. The irony of it is that I will be left here for the break to serve my punishment. Yas has already promised to send me cds of koreanovelas I can watch during the break. I am thinking of other things to counteract the boredom that I might experience while the rest of the Corps will go home and be normal people even for just a short time. I guess ganyan talaga ang buhay, a few more months and its Christmas...

Well, I do not know what to write about, promise next time I'll write something more serious....

Somewhere God placed me

Something very emotional happened a while ago, I cried. It wasn't some tearjerking event but just some tears coming out of my eyes in the stillness of the cold baguio breeze.

Yesterday was my squadmate's maiden performance in the parade grounds. It was his first time to march in his Full Dress uniform in front of the crowd. I felt some form of fulfillment thinking that he is experiences one of the essentials of cadet experiences, to wow the crowd as they marvel at the toy soldiers(us) in front of them. It was the first time because I prevented him from joining his games in the BBEAL.

It wasn't easy that he reached that point. I had to do a serious thinking of what I should do regarding it. He is the same plebe who said that he is stupid.. yes the one who seems not to do anything right. Immediately after we had that conversation, he went again to his game and I did not see him until 9 o'clock that night. I was furious, it wasn't because I did not want him to play it was because I had a requirement that he did not meet. He failed in his last Physical Fitness Test(PFT), an integral part of cadet training, and from that point on I had all my energy into making him pass that test. With him going to his games almost always, I had no choice but to prevent him from joining his games until such time he satisfies my requirement. That was the hardest part. My classmate who was my assistant squad leader is the one with him in his games and we differ in opinion on my act. He reasoned that I might get the ire of some officers. I then informed my Company Commander about my concern and he approved of my decision. I did it because I believe that before one should be allowed certain privileges, a cadet should first and foremost do his job, that is passing the tests required of him. The games are purely extra curricular activities and he is still a cadet even without it. That was my reason, I further defended that if I will not be able to discipline him in that aspect I am a failure as his squad leader.

With that in place I gave him my direct instruction not to join the games until he is able to pass his PFT. It was fine yesterday, but this morning was a different one. As I was expecting him in the formation going to church, he was in a different uniform ready to go to his games. I felt like I was the worst person in the world. I felt that he was violating me. I felt so bad that even as I was trying to talk to the people at church my mind was somewhere else. I can not stop talking about it to my classmates and they jokingly advised me that when all else fails, resort to hazing. With my fury, it was an option I contemplated. I wanted to teach him a lesson, I wanted to make him understand that I am not someone to be messed with. The thought occupied me until I finally fell asleep. I went the formation for Evening Mess still thinking about it but trying my best to stay cool. As the plebe was trying to join the squad in the table, I told him to SCRAM!!! In the table, my classmate (who was my assistant squad leader) was arguing with me. We had a major debate but I held my ground, in the end I think he understood me and being classmates we laughed at how we argued. When the mess ended, it was my time to confront my plebe.

I was hurt badly when he ignored my direct instruction for him not to attend his games. I felt that I was useless and all day I just wanted to get back at him and make him know that I was in charge. But then as we were walking, I remember the so many things that I have done as a squad leader to him and the other two under my command. I mean, if God made me be their squad leader so be it. It wasn't something that I should prove to them, it was something that I SHOULD DO. As I was talking to him expressing my anger, these were the thoughts that was in my mind. I realized that I was in a situation where I can exhibit something that I wanted him to understand, I wanted him to learn how is it to be committed to ones job. If I hazed him, he would hate me and I will simply teach him to do the same when he becomes an upperclass. I was so emotional because I was trying to supress my anger and do what I was supposed to do. It felt so bad that I just resorted to crying. I cried because he did not understand what I was trying to do. I cried because he was opposing something that was for his own good. I cried because I was to impart on him one of the most important lessons I learned and I do not know how.

It wasn't easy facing a plebe and showing that kind of emotion. It was a challenge in itself suppressing the built up anger I have with him the whole day. As I was expressing to him this anger I remember that this is where God placed me. I did not understand why he had to be so hard-headed despite of sincere intention of just trying to do a good job at being his squad leader. I did not understand why I had to feel being violated by a plebe who does not know a thing about all the sacrifices and obstacles I had to go through to come to this stage of my cadetship. I did not see the point why he had to be so insensitive to all the efforts I was doing for him. The thing that just strucked me was that I was there. Although I did not understand why, I know God placed me there because he believed I can handle it. I may not have the mastery of leadership but I knew God will teach me and gave up trying to master it on my own. In the end my God came into my aid and I knew that my words penetrated this plebe. I feel that I am the best squad leader in the world right now, not because I was so good but because at the point of no return I realized that this is somewhere God placed me. I may not be able to understand everything about this job, but God must have known better when He orchestrated everything to put me where I am now. I will not be spared from further challenges but I will be spared from the fear of not doing a good job. I may still feel frustrated or violated every now and then but I guess that is part and parcel of the job the difference is that now I know this is where I should be and I will do everything to make a good job at it.

Being TOO Honest

Is there such a thing as being too honest? I contemplated on that question after I sent my letter last monday. It was one of those letters that kept me worried fearing that she might get angry with my honesty. Yes I was always honest with what I write to her but with that letter it was just different, I felt that I was just too honest.

I really think that for a person to really know you honesty is the best policy. Not that you will be punished but you simply follow your heart and do not pretend anything. In today's generation, we have come to believe that first impression always last. We stick at it even if in the end we find out that the first impression is really just an impression. I learned that it is better to have a bad first impression but later realize there was more good to that person even if the first impression he creates is not that good. So I go back to being honest. I reasoned that if I was just true to myself people will like me for who I am and that will be the best reason will like you. But then again my letter writing is a different thing, sometimes there is this constant urge to put on a show. Now the letter this week was a confession about how my feelings and what I wanted to do contradict inside me. In one end I sometimes feel bad about not receiving any reply from here, on another she continues to make me smile and be happy about everything that is happening in my life. In this irony, I told her what I felt not withholding anything, sealed the envelope and sent it only to regret it after sometime. I contemplated if my being honest was just too much that she'd hate me for it. I do not know because even if I hate it I also know that it is the only way I should do it, I am totally convinced that I will simply follow my heart and leave it all up to God. I guess the point is my convictions are contradicting with wanting to get the desired results and controlling the situation. I still mantain that I have to be honest and sincere.

He is not stupid

I was worried in my sleep last night. When I read the squad notes of my plebe he said:

1. I am a walking endorsement (in our parlance endorsement means offense)
2. I am stupid
3. I can not do anything right
4. I am an embarrassment

Reading that, I was worried because not only was my squadmate giving up on his ability to learn what he is supposed to do but he has gave in to negativism. I spent the night thinking about what I was to do and become more worried.

It is true that he is having a hard time. Yesterday afternoon, he spent 3 minutes just fixing his rice. He smells very bad, his posture is so bad, he can not fix his uniform properly and he always fumbles and everything that he does. But then so are other plebes, that is the same case when I was a plebe ang God knows who else who have been to plebehood. At the beginning of the term, I had the opportunity to talk to his parents. His parents were a loving couple which was very evident. They loved their son so much, later in a letter I received from her mother, they revealed that my squadmate is now the eldest but not technically because the real one died. When I asked him before what his father does he immediately said that his father is a garbage collector. When I read one of his letter to his parents a few months back, I realized that he was a child. He was a child who loved his family and with big dreams and for me that was enough.

I do not believe that it has to take some kind of brilliant mind for anyone to hurdle plebehood. I believe that even in the real world, all of us experience our own kind of plebehood. We lose our ability to do things the way it should be done, we fumble at the slightest things and do all kinds of stupid stuff. We fail at things but what matters is the attitude we exhibit. My squadmate isn't all bad really. My instructor who is the course director of his History subject always tells us of this plebe who is just so good and it was my squadmate. I asked around when he spoke in front of the crowd for the Discussion and Debate Society and they all said he made sense, a good sense at that. I asked about his grades and it was very good except of course on his Math subject which he always complains to be hard. Despite of how bad he may seem, it is not hard to find the good things in him especially that all I want to do is to enhance these good things and correct the bad ones. He may think that he is stupid, an idiot, an embarrasment yet he forgets that he is in fact a cadet in the Country's Premier Military School and however you put it that is an achievement in itself.

This morning I talked to him. I told him how I felt about what he wrote. I told him that he can not possibly pass the screening to PMA if he was stupid. He may be having a hard time but stupid is not the reason for it. I told him about the wonderful things that his parents have told me, about being proud of himself and about being positive about the hardships he is experiencing. I reminded him of his family whom he will be meeting next month if Recognition Day pushes through. I could see that his eyes was already becoming watery. I know he wanted to cry and I also was at the brink of crying. I remembered all my reasons for being in PMA and I realized he was part of that reason. My role as a squad leader is not merely to improve my leadership skills but also to be an inspiration to others. I felt very emotional because at that moment I knew that his dreams of overcoming all the obstacles he was going through was being played inside his mind.

I do not know how he will react this afternoon when we eat in the mess hall. There is never a time that when I say my grace before meals that I do not include him and the other plebes in my prayers, I will have to do my show again. I will shout at him, continuosly coerce him to do what he is supposed to do, I will make his life another living hell. I just hope that this time around he will not think that he is stupid, he will not think that he is an idiot, nor he will think that is an embarrassment. I would want that as I do my act as his squad leader he will remember that I was once like him and I made it through plebehood. I can just hope and maybe just maybe to that one young plebe he will realize that and gain inspiration to be proud of himself and continue to persevere. I just hope.