Not quitting...

I originally wanted to write about the unfortunate event that happened this afternoon during drill. I lashed out in anger to an underclass when I suddenly lost my temper over my plebes inability to perform a simple rifle drill. In a previous entry, I wrote about my plebe's problem of not being able to cope up with the standards set for him. With the dismounted drill this afternoon, I further discovered other things that he is unable to do which are basic to every cadet. I realized that he is not able to perform the manual of arms the way it should be performed. His whole body moves when he raised his rifle, he can not put a snap in each movement and it just seems that it's not a cadet performing the drill when he does it. Other cadets were already gathering around him as they laugh at his inability. For my part, I went to him and decided to personally supervise him. I performed the drills in front of him to become the example. The other cadets, I mean one cadet (a yearling at that, my underclass), just did not think that I was serious at teaching him. He kept on bugging the plebe, teasing him and stopping him from teaching the plebe. Already impatient because of the plebe's performance, I lost my temper and lashed out at the yearling. In my loud voice I reiterated that I just can not give up teaching this plebe because he is my responsibility. Realizing that the others were already looking at me, my classmates went to me and grabbed me for me to regain my composure. I guess I got the message across and I made certain realizations on my own. Somehow with my lashing out, I made the point that we just can not give up in doing our job even if it is to someone who seems not to learn the things we are trying to teach.

When we are a plebe, it is easy to raise up our spirits because we need to survive. I remember how I try to improve my morale then by just looking at the PMA seal to remind myself that no matter how hard everything is at least I am in PMA. Words of Don't Quit is just so alive as we try to wrestle with the daily pressures or the seemingly insurmountable compliances. It is easy really because we do not have a choice. As plebes, we just need to survive. But then as we go higher in rank and be given different responsibilities, doing our job is something of a choice, giving up becomes an option. To illustrate this, I will go back to my plebe. As I said he can not do anything the way I expect him to do it. For most of the other cadets, including the yearling I got mad at, he was hopeless and he'd rather laugh at his deficieancy. He had a choice at doing his job, that is to teach him or just laugh at the plebe. Either way, he goes on with his life and maybe graduate in three years time. But I realized that the same attitude we show towards training when we were plebes should also apply even if we are no longer plebes. I mean, the CAN DO attitude, if I may call it, is more important to the upperclass because by this time he already has a choice. I realized that in situations where the plebe is hopeless that I must not quit at teaching him. Somehow, I felt that I should espouse that attitude more now that I am an upperclass, a squad leader at that because now other people's lives are already at stake. Doing ones job as a plebe makes us continue and become upperclassmen but doing ones job as a squad leader affects the life of people, underclass cadets.

I am running out of time I will continue writing about this topic tomorrow....

Don't worry, be happy

When I sat in front of the computer, I was not in the mood to write anything. I was just passing time jumping from one website to another, browsing through friendster accounts, reading blogs and just doing what I felt was doing. I wanted to put myself in some zone for me to be able to write something really serious as I promised in my last post. I did discovered some things but was not able to go to that serious zone I was intending to be in, instead I find myself happy and so I decided to just write the reasons why I became happy all of a sudden.

My first stop was the rankings of Pinoytopblogs where I was monitoring my ranking. By some twist of fate I moved 20 ranks up. When I later checked traffic in Sitemeter I was surprised by the numbers of visitors I had in the last 24 hours from all over. Although some were random visitiors who found my blog by searching Diether Ocampo in Blogger (it's weird I know) most of them took time to really read through my entries. Some even came back several hours after which I could only assume is a good thing. Its really just too bad that my shout box is no longer in operation I would certainly want to know what these visitors thought about. I guess that started to make me smile.

My next stop were the friendster accounts of people I miss. I went to my friends list and just randomly clicked at the pictures of people. I read testimonial and viewed pictures. One testimonial caught my attention. It was Visayan and it was something about being "hubog" it was so funny that I ended up missing my dear cousin and tagay-mate Mai-mai. Personally, she is just one of the few reasons why I feel bad at not going on break when this semester ends in two weeks. I loved the picture of Nani jumping to the air in her jolly state with all smiles, I couldn't help but miss her bitchy remarks. Then there is Darius who posted wedding pictures, I thought all the while that he was the one being married. The thing with him is that his girlfriend was incidentally a classmate in my speech class back when I was still enrolled at Silliman. There is even the possibility that I met her first before Darius knew who she was. I could just remember our radio play about little red riding hood (that was fun). I am really hoping that you'll get to understand what I am talking about so I am trying my best to post the links to their friendster accounts. I know that the reason I consider all of what I am saying as fun is because I know this people personally and had lots of personal experience with them, but I really hope you'll understand what I am saying.

The one that really hyped up my happy meter are the new pictures posted by my crush (haha hindi ko na ipopost ang link ng friendster account nya). It just seems that she is so happy with her life now compared to the previous months where she was always lonely and sad to say bitter. I mailed her a letter yesterday and I am hoping she'll reply to me finally. I do not know although there are really times that I find myself funny writing her every week despite of her non reply but I still enjoy it. I maybe weird but at least I am enjoying my weirdness. I do not know what will happen in the end, I guess it will boil down to what God has in store for me.

So I'm still smiling. I'm smiling because of the realization that there are so many things to smile about, despite of me not going on break, despite of being huddled up in this sort of prison. The thing is happiness is everywhere, it comes from the appreciation of the blessings around us and the gratefulness of everything that God has given. We may not have the best of circumstances yet there is plenty of reasons to smile about. The incident this morning at the mess hall draws out this point. The Cadet First Captain was to command Batallions Rise (this is the command to mean that our meals are over and that its time to leave the mess hall). The music being played was not yet paused when he made this command. As he started his command, everyone sat in attention and the whole mess hall was quiet. Then the song erupted.... "Don't worry, be happy" There were giggles from all of us. I can not help it but relate it to my situation. Well you do the connection the thing is smile people... Don't worry.... BE HAPPY!!!

Just things that happened

A while ago we watched the GAME PLAN episode that featured the Sports and Physical Development of PMA. I did not have a grasp on how wholistic the program was and surprisingly the program was able to capture it they were even the ones who educated me of the program applied to me.

Speaking of physical development, me and my plebes ran the checkpoint route for the first time together. I am slacking at making the roadruns choosing sleeping more over these physical activities. But in lieu of the recent happening regarding the state of the morale of my plebes, I decided to bond with them through activities like this. After finishing the 5.5 kilometer run, we all headed to the swimming pool to finally fulfill the promise I made to one of my plebes on teaching him how to swim. I realized that people who grew up in baguio do not know how to swim or at least most of them. My plebe was really having a hard time keeping himself afloat and it took a while before he learned to kick properly yet still can not finish the whole 25 meter length of the pool. The other one knew how to swim only that he hates the cold temperature of the water. The other one surprisingly, did not know how to swim even if he is from a place where there is abundance of bodies of water. We did some drills, taught them the basics had some laughs and had fun. I will have to see later what they will write in their squad notes about the activity we did.

I sent another letter earlier today. It was a casual letter that I wrote in 30 minutes. I discarded the one I wrote last thursday for some reason. I just did not feel like sending it or maybe I realized that I did not want to say those things to her.

The Academic term is almost done and so far it was a good semester with one subject trying its best to make me take the final exam. The irony of it is that I will be left here for the break to serve my punishment. Yas has already promised to send me cds of koreanovelas I can watch during the break. I am thinking of other things to counteract the boredom that I might experience while the rest of the Corps will go home and be normal people even for just a short time. I guess ganyan talaga ang buhay, a few more months and its Christmas...

Well, I do not know what to write about, promise next time I'll write something more serious....

Somewhere God placed me

Something very emotional happened a while ago, I cried. It wasn't some tearjerking event but just some tears coming out of my eyes in the stillness of the cold baguio breeze.

Yesterday was my squadmate's maiden performance in the parade grounds. It was his first time to march in his Full Dress uniform in front of the crowd. I felt some form of fulfillment thinking that he is experiences one of the essentials of cadet experiences, to wow the crowd as they marvel at the toy soldiers(us) in front of them. It was the first time because I prevented him from joining his games in the BBEAL.

It wasn't easy that he reached that point. I had to do a serious thinking of what I should do regarding it. He is the same plebe who said that he is stupid.. yes the one who seems not to do anything right. Immediately after we had that conversation, he went again to his game and I did not see him until 9 o'clock that night. I was furious, it wasn't because I did not want him to play it was because I had a requirement that he did not meet. He failed in his last Physical Fitness Test(PFT), an integral part of cadet training, and from that point on I had all my energy into making him pass that test. With him going to his games almost always, I had no choice but to prevent him from joining his games until such time he satisfies my requirement. That was the hardest part. My classmate who was my assistant squad leader is the one with him in his games and we differ in opinion on my act. He reasoned that I might get the ire of some officers. I then informed my Company Commander about my concern and he approved of my decision. I did it because I believe that before one should be allowed certain privileges, a cadet should first and foremost do his job, that is passing the tests required of him. The games are purely extra curricular activities and he is still a cadet even without it. That was my reason, I further defended that if I will not be able to discipline him in that aspect I am a failure as his squad leader.

With that in place I gave him my direct instruction not to join the games until he is able to pass his PFT. It was fine yesterday, but this morning was a different one. As I was expecting him in the formation going to church, he was in a different uniform ready to go to his games. I felt like I was the worst person in the world. I felt that he was violating me. I felt so bad that even as I was trying to talk to the people at church my mind was somewhere else. I can not stop talking about it to my classmates and they jokingly advised me that when all else fails, resort to hazing. With my fury, it was an option I contemplated. I wanted to teach him a lesson, I wanted to make him understand that I am not someone to be messed with. The thought occupied me until I finally fell asleep. I went the formation for Evening Mess still thinking about it but trying my best to stay cool. As the plebe was trying to join the squad in the table, I told him to SCRAM!!! In the table, my classmate (who was my assistant squad leader) was arguing with me. We had a major debate but I held my ground, in the end I think he understood me and being classmates we laughed at how we argued. When the mess ended, it was my time to confront my plebe.

I was hurt badly when he ignored my direct instruction for him not to attend his games. I felt that I was useless and all day I just wanted to get back at him and make him know that I was in charge. But then as we were walking, I remember the so many things that I have done as a squad leader to him and the other two under my command. I mean, if God made me be their squad leader so be it. It wasn't something that I should prove to them, it was something that I SHOULD DO. As I was talking to him expressing my anger, these were the thoughts that was in my mind. I realized that I was in a situation where I can exhibit something that I wanted him to understand, I wanted him to learn how is it to be committed to ones job. If I hazed him, he would hate me and I will simply teach him to do the same when he becomes an upperclass. I was so emotional because I was trying to supress my anger and do what I was supposed to do. It felt so bad that I just resorted to crying. I cried because he did not understand what I was trying to do. I cried because he was opposing something that was for his own good. I cried because I was to impart on him one of the most important lessons I learned and I do not know how.

It wasn't easy facing a plebe and showing that kind of emotion. It was a challenge in itself suppressing the built up anger I have with him the whole day. As I was expressing to him this anger I remember that this is where God placed me. I did not understand why he had to be so hard-headed despite of sincere intention of just trying to do a good job at being his squad leader. I did not understand why I had to feel being violated by a plebe who does not know a thing about all the sacrifices and obstacles I had to go through to come to this stage of my cadetship. I did not see the point why he had to be so insensitive to all the efforts I was doing for him. The thing that just strucked me was that I was there. Although I did not understand why, I know God placed me there because he believed I can handle it. I may not have the mastery of leadership but I knew God will teach me and gave up trying to master it on my own. In the end my God came into my aid and I knew that my words penetrated this plebe. I feel that I am the best squad leader in the world right now, not because I was so good but because at the point of no return I realized that this is somewhere God placed me. I may not be able to understand everything about this job, but God must have known better when He orchestrated everything to put me where I am now. I will not be spared from further challenges but I will be spared from the fear of not doing a good job. I may still feel frustrated or violated every now and then but I guess that is part and parcel of the job the difference is that now I know this is where I should be and I will do everything to make a good job at it.

Being TOO Honest

Is there such a thing as being too honest? I contemplated on that question after I sent my letter last monday. It was one of those letters that kept me worried fearing that she might get angry with my honesty. Yes I was always honest with what I write to her but with that letter it was just different, I felt that I was just too honest.

I really think that for a person to really know you honesty is the best policy. Not that you will be punished but you simply follow your heart and do not pretend anything. In today's generation, we have come to believe that first impression always last. We stick at it even if in the end we find out that the first impression is really just an impression. I learned that it is better to have a bad first impression but later realize there was more good to that person even if the first impression he creates is not that good. So I go back to being honest. I reasoned that if I was just true to myself people will like me for who I am and that will be the best reason will like you. But then again my letter writing is a different thing, sometimes there is this constant urge to put on a show. Now the letter this week was a confession about how my feelings and what I wanted to do contradict inside me. In one end I sometimes feel bad about not receiving any reply from here, on another she continues to make me smile and be happy about everything that is happening in my life. In this irony, I told her what I felt not withholding anything, sealed the envelope and sent it only to regret it after sometime. I contemplated if my being honest was just too much that she'd hate me for it. I do not know because even if I hate it I also know that it is the only way I should do it, I am totally convinced that I will simply follow my heart and leave it all up to God. I guess the point is my convictions are contradicting with wanting to get the desired results and controlling the situation. I still mantain that I have to be honest and sincere.