Losing my mind in script writing

I'm losing my mind. Just when I thought I will have some free time, the reality of how busy I am sets in. Last week, I was complaining about our Leadership Enhancement Period which I can only describe as boring. I nursed a painful body last week because of the activities hoping that everything will come to an end. Just before lunch this afternoon, I was told that I was already to be excused from this Leadership chuva so that I can finally have time to make the script for this year's 100th Nite Show. I tried putting the details to my storyline, losing my sanity in the process, and my other requirements prodding me to do them. In the end, I was wishing that I'd rather have a painful body. I'm blogging now to rejuvenate myself so that I can go back to my old self.

I was writing earlier about the PMA Core values as a requirement to the Commandant. I reckon that he wants to assess our appreciation to the initiatives that they are implementing. Writing it kind of allowed me to also assess myself as to my appreciation to these Core Values. I was thinking of my training, of how I have been from the time I was a fourthclass up to now. I was comparing my psyche then to the way I think of things now. I realized that I have been more positive to learning now thanbefore. I felt that even if I do not necessarily like everything that is happening to me as a cadet. I mean, this blog will definitely prove how frustrated I am on several occassions to the point that some people are even wondering why I am in PMA in the first place. But I am still here and as I read those entries, I am just amazed with how it has been wondering if was it really me who have gone through all of it. Going back to the values, I realized that it is not just important that we are told why these values are important, it is even of greater importance that we learn to experience practicing these values day to day to understand its implication first hand. I learned that the reason for my change of person is because the experiences that I have been through forced me to change even without me knowing. The lesson is, always find the lesson in everything so that the experiences we go through will not be a missed opportunity into becoming a better person.

As the days pass, the rumors are getting more and more reliable and I am beginning to believe that I just might go to break. I am still not that convinced but nobody is stopping me from being hopeful. I am just crossing my fingers and maybe, just maybe, I can relax a while and enjoy myself a little bit away from the pressures of being a cadet.

In a few days, a something special will happen, at least for me (hehehe). I am intending to write something special on that day just as I always do in the previous years. For those who remembered keep it to yourself, I am wishing that you will just send it here.... Well that is still in the few days... for the meantime, I will go back to my script writing in the barracks...

The GK experience

Today is a day after I went to the Gawad Kalinga site in Benguet. It wasn't something that I was expecting, I was just going with the flow and decided to join the fun at the last minute. Much has been written about the Gawad Kalinga project and writing about it now will simply repeat the many praises. The project has been awarded the prestigious Ramon Magsaysay Award this year so people is familiar with this. I will just dwell with the things that happened... I will call it my GK experience.

Having written a feature story about Project ISLAM, I understand now what people can do to really help people if only they wanted to. But writing about a certain endeavor and actually taking part in one are definitely two different things. I realized that now and somehow I am able to better appreciate what it has to take to really make a difference.

We started with the usual orientation and then we started working. Our first task was to transfer about 500 pieces of hollow blocks somewhere 200 meters away. With more than 30 of us, we formed a long line and passed along the blocks. It was a perfect illustration of how tasks could be done easier if only more and more people were willing to help out. In around 45 minutes we were able to haul all of the 500 blocks. After that, we then started leveling an area inside an unfinished house. My hands started to hurt as I tried to dig the accumulated mix of soil and stone and put it inside the sacks provided. I remembered one underclass saying, "Ang hirap palang gumawa ng bahay." I thought the remark was funny at first but thinkig about it, I realized how easier we made it to those who were to benefit from the house we were building. The others cleared areas, hauled metal bars, moved piles of sand and so many other things. It was some kind of a busy market place that looked as if everyone knew what they were doing. Although some eventually had to take some rest, chat with others and even doze a little bit, there was some kind of aura in the air that just felt wonderful.

I did not know if the other more than 200 cadets with me felt the same way but I felt a sense of purpose working there. It was true that I liked it better than performing drills but there was just something about it. I said to myself that if this was done in PMA, I am sure the cadets would feel bad and consider what they were doing a waste of time. I guess no matter how hard something is a sense of purpose, a noble purpose at that, spells out the difference. We will never be able to really know what happens to the things that we did. We may not be able to go back and see the houses and its future occupants. I guess the fulfillment in what we did comes from inside. It comes from the thought of being able to do something no matter how little and realizing how special it is to others. As cadets, we often take for granted the things that we are to do once we graduate such that we do not take things seriously. Life in the Academy has become monotonous that we no longer dwell on its noble purpose but just hope that we will get through it. The experience I got was a wake up call. It rejuvenated a sense of purpose that has been dormant because of the pressures that I have been applied to and has tried to avoid. I wonder how much pressure the homeless people are subjected to everyday and yet they just have to face it head on because they can not avoid it. Again I go back to doing something not because we do not have a choice but because we know it is something that we have to do.

I was reading earlier Hannah's Blog and it pretty much sums up everything... let me just copy my comment to her entry:

"...I felt really really bad when I was not included in the final list for AYLC. For one, you, ralph and all the others filled me with so much imagination of what it was going to be like. I hated how come so-and-so was able to go and I am so much better than this person. Even if you tried to comfort me when I told you the news it wasn't until sometime that I got it. The thing is we will not be able to get everything we want in this world. We will not be able to save this world. We may have the best of ideas and wonder why the stupid ones are up there. But then that is not the point. The point is we are endowed with talents and gifts. What sets us apart from others is the sense of compassion and the willingness to do something with what we have. The key there is to act using those gifts. Alam ko I am a good writer and I promised myself to write only articles that matter. I do not write for some popular magazine, in fact most of my ideas are in my blog but at least I'm doing something. It does not have to be something great, you only need to do SOMETHING... Rather than just ranting, do something, fullfilment comes not from the number we of people we have helped but from the peace of mind knowing that we made everything that God has given us count. Hindi tayo ang nagliligtas ng mundo God does so we allow Him to use us even in the littlest things"

I am hoping to go back to that site. I do not know what it is with what we did there, but there is something and I would certainly want to find out.

Keeping up the faith

I just came from Church and we were shown a beautiful cartoon regarding the cockroaches that were the lucky one who went into the ark with Noah. It was cool tha the creators of the cartoon had a different approach at presenting the Noah story. As I lead the praise and worship, I suddenly realized how much faith Noah had in just following God.

I do not know if many people know this but before the flood the people did not know rain. It is also written in the Bible that before the flood, God watered the earth from the ground. I do not know how it was possible but that is how it is. This adds more credit to Noah because certainly when God told him of a concept called "rain" it wasn't like he knew what it was, God just told him that there will be rain. Of course, that fact plus constructing a huge ark in a place where water was miles and miles away.

But then again, I do not wish to dwell in the Noah story. I think most of us have heard of the story and to some it has become boring. My realization came as I contemplate on the things htat have happened to my life and wonder how much faith I have in me and what I am still willing to do to continue on believing. One of the things that frustrate us are the things that we do not understand. Sometimes, we are faced with circumstances that seem to be unfair. I particularly felt that when my mother died about 6 years ago. I just felt I do not deserve losing a mother. All that plus, being discharged from PMA, having trouble with my father, not knowing what to do with my life and the so many things that happened to me. Even as I think about all those events now, I do not know where I got all the faith so that I can just go on with my life. I remember the times when I look at the sky and wonder what will happen to me and sometimes be teary eyed as fear starts to get to me because of the uncertainty. But looking back at it now, I remember always finding reasons to go on, always learning lessons and just going in even if I did not really like what was happening. I am not so sure if faith can be learned but I do know that faith is just doing it despite of everything. When people ask me now, I always tell them that God is never unfair and that we will always get what we deserve, we may not know it at the moment of testing but it will. I know that now not because of some concept I got from someone but out of the lessons I learned in my life based on what I have been through. I guess I will never be able to explain how these things are for me. It is something that I know from my heart after a period of testing and hopelessness.

The lesson that I learned now is this, we are being called to just have faith at a point where we do not have a choice so that we will be able to know the true nature of God. From there we can gain assurance so that in the future we will still have faith even if we already have a choice not to. I think the biggest test of faith is when there is another way out and its a question of having faith or being in control. It will be easy to cling to God when the world seems to be on our shoulders, but it is hardest when it there is another choice. Maybe that could be something to think about.

Singing Continued

I do not intend to write another entry but the thought is not leaving my mind without being written.

I wrote earlier about singing and I realized that singing is the most personal form of expression we can have where all the pretensions are lost and we are truly ourselves. I can not think of right now what are other expressions that have this distinction becaue even with writing something can be hidden. I just had so much fun practicing for tomorrow's song and hope that tomorrow will be another blast....

Till then...

When I begin to sing

Although I knew how the activities for today will be, I chose to watch Winter Sonata until midnight last night. The result: I had to drag myself at five in the morning to finalize fixing my things for the barracks inspection, be sleepy in parade and then hate the fact that I did not have enough sleep. I know its stupid but I was just carried away when Min Hyung finally learned that he was Joon Sang... Yujin's lost love. But of course all that was remedied when I was able to catch a few hours of sleep and then getting ready to practice for the praise and worship at church later on. These days, I have somehow regained my passion for singing in church since we have been allowed again to practice every saturday.

My Christianity was somehow triggered by my love of singing. Even as a little child, songs have become another way of making myself feel good. I love singing at church, singing on stage or just sing at the top of my voice inside the shower. When I first started listening to my Christian friends, it was partly because I love to sing with them. I learned my first Christian songs because I wanted to be part of their group. Of course, with it came the realization that they do not just sing the songs but it was an offering of their talents. When I came back here to PMA, there was just one opportunity that I was given the microphone and then it became natural.

Singing and faith can to a certain extent be a comparison. For one a person has to have at least a little bit of faith to sing in front of people. In singing, especially when I close my eyes, it is as if I am detached to myself and it is just my voice and my God. In the same way that faith is also an expression, just like singing. I really believe that faith can only be manifested by actually doing it. It can not be quantified into words, it is through action. Singing is just a word unless one begins to open his or her mouth and make a tune. The more we sing the more we become better at it, just like faith, it can not be nurtured unless we practice it. I can think of other things but that is beside the point.

When we sing we only have ourselves to rely on to. We can not ask someone to do it for us, the kind of noice or music we produces is solely because of us. The lesson here is that singing is an individual thing that nothing can change it. It is perhaps one of the few things that we can really call as ours. This goes to say that singing can be a reflection of who we really are. It can echo our true feelings and no matter how we try we can never lie through it. I am not making some sort of a campaign to propagate singing, I am sharing what are the things in this world that can not be altered by many of existing technologies around us. The songs that are popular now is a reflection of what the world is and no matter how much people try to hide themselves through the songs it can not be possible. I do not know if many of us have been aware of this but the voice of the people are actually songs that reflect what kind of people we are. I guess singing has covered just about everything, as diverse as the kind of people there is nowadays.

I do not how to end this entry, perhaps this is something to talk about. Maybe the next time we listen to a song or someone singing, we can find a thing or two about that person and just maybe we can begin to understand things more because of the songs. Well, I will go on singing....