My birthday present

I promised to write ab0ut the 24 things to be thankful about but I just can not finish it. I already started writing some but I end up thinking that I can not possibly limit myself to 24, it just becomes boring. I can go on and on counting my blessings but sharing it with people will be monotonous. They will definitely not read it adn the writing was in vain. So I deleted everything and began a new thought, I will just write about birthdays-- my birthday.

It is only now that I get to celebrate my birthday and really contemplate about things. I mean, as young boy then, my birthday was dirty competition between my parents on who gets to make me happier. In elementary, I remembered Mommy bringing food to school so that everyone in my class can celebrate my birthday with me. I knew we were hard-up but Mommy insisted that we have a birthday party at school. I do not know where Daddy was at that time. After that party in Grade 5, Mommy left for the States in December and all my birthdays with her were some gift and a birthday greeting through the phone. My Daddy also had his antics. When I turned 11 and was studying at Dumaguete (first year high school), he threw me a party. It was a party with a bunch of people I barely knew simply because it was done in San Carlos and that was only the time I was in San Carlos after 6 years in Manila. I had lechon, my first in any of my birthdays, and that was basically it. I now understand that Daddy was trying to reach out to me but to my young mind then, I simply did not appreciate that. In 2000, I had my saddest birthday as a cadet in PMA. In the night of 21 October 2000, I was told that I was to be discharged from the Academy. The next year, I was at Nueva Ecija celebrating with my friends, it was a time when my life had no direction and I was doing things to keep my mind away from thinking about the future, I turned 19 then. Year 2002 was a bit promising because I was receiving salary working as an administrator in a second hand car dealership. My boss treated me to Outback Grill in Libis and it was my first time eat very expensively. In 2003, I was at another job in Makati. Nobody in the office knew that it was my birthday because I was a new employee and I barely know the people. At that time, I was waiting for the results of the PMA exam to come out (I think that is recorded in my old blog). Although I was working, my mind was set in going back to PMA. A few weeks after that, I received my examination results, resigned from that job to focus on going back and then the rest is history. 2004 was redemption as I tried to look back on my other birthdays and realize how blessed I was to finally celebrate it inside PMA as a cadet. It was redemption of my birthday in 2000... I was back. As a yearling in 2005, I just came from an official business in Manila. I hated it because it was my birthday and Daddy tried to have some form of celebration only that I have to be back in Baguio in the morning of my birthday.

This year I am 24. I was posted as a sentinel this morning at the strike of midnight. Going to the Barrio area to post, I was singing happy birthday to myself. It was cold and sky was clear. The whole hour that I was a sentinel, I was just reminscing realizing how it has been and grateful for everything. I do not have a cellphone to read birthday greetings from people. It is funny but the first one who actually greeted me a happy birthday, was my fourth class squadmate who gave me all the headache as his squad leader. I do not have anything against him, I know he is trying very hard to meet my standards, I just think it is funny that he was the first one to remember. When my name was announced this afternoon about my birthday, it was a dream come true. The joy that I felt was something I kept to myself, I did not say a word. After mess, I retreated to my room fell asleep and I am here now, writing about it.

I do not know if there is something interesting with enumerating the birthdays that I had. It is a realization recalling those events and realizing how much has changed through the years. I would like to state that I have improved for the better. From being a young boy feeling the growing conflict between my parents, to a young man trying to withdraw from reality by having fun with friends as if nothing else matters, to dreaming in an office hoping that things will turn out according to plan, and being greeted by a plebe who was able to remember that it was my special day. Looking back at it now, it was a series of twists and turns, a roller coaster ride marked with frustrations, loss, anticipation and victory. If only all of us tried to look back and contemplate on how much has changed in our lives we could see God in it, working and molding us into becoming a person according to his will. Although turning a year older may be something that happens to many people every year, I think the reason we mark our birthdays and consider it special is because it is a time to look back and be thankful. The 24 reasons I am thankful for are the 24 years that God has manifested himself in my life, teaching me the value of life and molding me into a person that He can use for His will.

A lot is ahead of me, and life just gets better and better. Thank you Lord for 24 wonderful years that you never left me. For the people who remembered, thank you very much and I love you all.

Nabaliw!!!

Finally it loaded. It took me around four clicks on the refresh button before the window finally appeared correctly.

I again spent the whole day in front of the computer typing my script. I just hate it when I have to force my creativity out of my system. It was some kind of an on and off routine, one moment you are oozing with ideas the next its just dry. I hate that my desperation to finish the project has to go to a point where I am already forcing myself to write. I am relieved that I can finally just allow my mind to be free and let the ideas flow without applying force to it.

I was thinking of deleting Tita Liza's entry in my shoutbox but I guess eventually people will find out... Yes it's my birthday on the 21st and I thought it was going to be a secret. Of course, I know Tita Liza and her whole family loves me dearly, if I have known her a few years back when I made my list of the 21 people that changed my life, she'd be definitely included. I do not know if it was some kind of a ritual I have developed but I kind of started making this list of things on my birthday. I particularly remembered my 21st when I wrote about the 21 top people that changed my life. After a few days, some people were complaining that I did not include them in my list. For this year, I am thinking of top 24 things to be thankful about. I have a lot of things in my mind right now and I do not know if it is already 24. When October 21 comes, I will just write and compose my thoughts in the process.

I hated it today as I was typing the script. There were three of us that were excused for the activites primarily to do the script yet I spent most of the day writing it by myself. I do not want to lash out on them fearing that I might say something bad. I am thinking of just finishing it and talking to them once all the stress is out of my system.

Another growing concern right now is the magazine. We were told last night that it will be our responsibility with 6 more weeks before realease. The sad thing is nothing has been started yet. I have been conferring with the other people but we still have to meet formally to finalize things and really start working. If I do not go on break, I will just start writing the articles and maybe conceptualize on my own... malay natin I can think of some bright idea. And then there are the plans of going to Davao. I want to go there because one, I want to see Daddy's Camp and two, I've never been to Mindanao. A friend of mibe wants to come along, he wants to ride the C130. I'm really hoping I can go on break.

I'm sorry if I can not write something serious, my mind is just trying to recuperate. I am thinking now of beautiful thoughts, people I miss and just happy moments. I do not wish to continue writing anymore, I'd rather dream about the beautiful things and hope for a better year. I'm thinking of something poetic inside my head right now, I'm letting the thought be immortalized, here it is:

The beauty that abounds this place
Is just too much for my taste
I can not help it but cry
as I look and sigh
The things that come my way
I hope they are here to stay
Although hard
Still I am praying mad
This poem is for everyone
Not just for someone
My mind is confused
It has been over used
Yet I still long for tomorrow
Hoping and praying hard to lose the sorrow
I love you world
I thank you God
Tomorrow will be another day
Another opportunity along the way
I end this while it's still easy
This is becoming messy

Baliw na kung baliw... sa sunod na lang...

Losing my mind in script writing

I'm losing my mind. Just when I thought I will have some free time, the reality of how busy I am sets in. Last week, I was complaining about our Leadership Enhancement Period which I can only describe as boring. I nursed a painful body last week because of the activities hoping that everything will come to an end. Just before lunch this afternoon, I was told that I was already to be excused from this Leadership chuva so that I can finally have time to make the script for this year's 100th Nite Show. I tried putting the details to my storyline, losing my sanity in the process, and my other requirements prodding me to do them. In the end, I was wishing that I'd rather have a painful body. I'm blogging now to rejuvenate myself so that I can go back to my old self.

I was writing earlier about the PMA Core values as a requirement to the Commandant. I reckon that he wants to assess our appreciation to the initiatives that they are implementing. Writing it kind of allowed me to also assess myself as to my appreciation to these Core Values. I was thinking of my training, of how I have been from the time I was a fourthclass up to now. I was comparing my psyche then to the way I think of things now. I realized that I have been more positive to learning now thanbefore. I felt that even if I do not necessarily like everything that is happening to me as a cadet. I mean, this blog will definitely prove how frustrated I am on several occassions to the point that some people are even wondering why I am in PMA in the first place. But I am still here and as I read those entries, I am just amazed with how it has been wondering if was it really me who have gone through all of it. Going back to the values, I realized that it is not just important that we are told why these values are important, it is even of greater importance that we learn to experience practicing these values day to day to understand its implication first hand. I learned that the reason for my change of person is because the experiences that I have been through forced me to change even without me knowing. The lesson is, always find the lesson in everything so that the experiences we go through will not be a missed opportunity into becoming a better person.

As the days pass, the rumors are getting more and more reliable and I am beginning to believe that I just might go to break. I am still not that convinced but nobody is stopping me from being hopeful. I am just crossing my fingers and maybe, just maybe, I can relax a while and enjoy myself a little bit away from the pressures of being a cadet.

In a few days, a something special will happen, at least for me (hehehe). I am intending to write something special on that day just as I always do in the previous years. For those who remembered keep it to yourself, I am wishing that you will just send it here.... Well that is still in the few days... for the meantime, I will go back to my script writing in the barracks...

The GK experience

Today is a day after I went to the Gawad Kalinga site in Benguet. It wasn't something that I was expecting, I was just going with the flow and decided to join the fun at the last minute. Much has been written about the Gawad Kalinga project and writing about it now will simply repeat the many praises. The project has been awarded the prestigious Ramon Magsaysay Award this year so people is familiar with this. I will just dwell with the things that happened... I will call it my GK experience.

Having written a feature story about Project ISLAM, I understand now what people can do to really help people if only they wanted to. But writing about a certain endeavor and actually taking part in one are definitely two different things. I realized that now and somehow I am able to better appreciate what it has to take to really make a difference.

We started with the usual orientation and then we started working. Our first task was to transfer about 500 pieces of hollow blocks somewhere 200 meters away. With more than 30 of us, we formed a long line and passed along the blocks. It was a perfect illustration of how tasks could be done easier if only more and more people were willing to help out. In around 45 minutes we were able to haul all of the 500 blocks. After that, we then started leveling an area inside an unfinished house. My hands started to hurt as I tried to dig the accumulated mix of soil and stone and put it inside the sacks provided. I remembered one underclass saying, "Ang hirap palang gumawa ng bahay." I thought the remark was funny at first but thinkig about it, I realized how easier we made it to those who were to benefit from the house we were building. The others cleared areas, hauled metal bars, moved piles of sand and so many other things. It was some kind of a busy market place that looked as if everyone knew what they were doing. Although some eventually had to take some rest, chat with others and even doze a little bit, there was some kind of aura in the air that just felt wonderful.

I did not know if the other more than 200 cadets with me felt the same way but I felt a sense of purpose working there. It was true that I liked it better than performing drills but there was just something about it. I said to myself that if this was done in PMA, I am sure the cadets would feel bad and consider what they were doing a waste of time. I guess no matter how hard something is a sense of purpose, a noble purpose at that, spells out the difference. We will never be able to really know what happens to the things that we did. We may not be able to go back and see the houses and its future occupants. I guess the fulfillment in what we did comes from inside. It comes from the thought of being able to do something no matter how little and realizing how special it is to others. As cadets, we often take for granted the things that we are to do once we graduate such that we do not take things seriously. Life in the Academy has become monotonous that we no longer dwell on its noble purpose but just hope that we will get through it. The experience I got was a wake up call. It rejuvenated a sense of purpose that has been dormant because of the pressures that I have been applied to and has tried to avoid. I wonder how much pressure the homeless people are subjected to everyday and yet they just have to face it head on because they can not avoid it. Again I go back to doing something not because we do not have a choice but because we know it is something that we have to do.

I was reading earlier Hannah's Blog and it pretty much sums up everything... let me just copy my comment to her entry:

"...I felt really really bad when I was not included in the final list for AYLC. For one, you, ralph and all the others filled me with so much imagination of what it was going to be like. I hated how come so-and-so was able to go and I am so much better than this person. Even if you tried to comfort me when I told you the news it wasn't until sometime that I got it. The thing is we will not be able to get everything we want in this world. We will not be able to save this world. We may have the best of ideas and wonder why the stupid ones are up there. But then that is not the point. The point is we are endowed with talents and gifts. What sets us apart from others is the sense of compassion and the willingness to do something with what we have. The key there is to act using those gifts. Alam ko I am a good writer and I promised myself to write only articles that matter. I do not write for some popular magazine, in fact most of my ideas are in my blog but at least I'm doing something. It does not have to be something great, you only need to do SOMETHING... Rather than just ranting, do something, fullfilment comes not from the number we of people we have helped but from the peace of mind knowing that we made everything that God has given us count. Hindi tayo ang nagliligtas ng mundo God does so we allow Him to use us even in the littlest things"

I am hoping to go back to that site. I do not know what it is with what we did there, but there is something and I would certainly want to find out.

Keeping up the faith

I just came from Church and we were shown a beautiful cartoon regarding the cockroaches that were the lucky one who went into the ark with Noah. It was cool tha the creators of the cartoon had a different approach at presenting the Noah story. As I lead the praise and worship, I suddenly realized how much faith Noah had in just following God.

I do not know if many people know this but before the flood the people did not know rain. It is also written in the Bible that before the flood, God watered the earth from the ground. I do not know how it was possible but that is how it is. This adds more credit to Noah because certainly when God told him of a concept called "rain" it wasn't like he knew what it was, God just told him that there will be rain. Of course, that fact plus constructing a huge ark in a place where water was miles and miles away.

But then again, I do not wish to dwell in the Noah story. I think most of us have heard of the story and to some it has become boring. My realization came as I contemplate on the things htat have happened to my life and wonder how much faith I have in me and what I am still willing to do to continue on believing. One of the things that frustrate us are the things that we do not understand. Sometimes, we are faced with circumstances that seem to be unfair. I particularly felt that when my mother died about 6 years ago. I just felt I do not deserve losing a mother. All that plus, being discharged from PMA, having trouble with my father, not knowing what to do with my life and the so many things that happened to me. Even as I think about all those events now, I do not know where I got all the faith so that I can just go on with my life. I remember the times when I look at the sky and wonder what will happen to me and sometimes be teary eyed as fear starts to get to me because of the uncertainty. But looking back at it now, I remember always finding reasons to go on, always learning lessons and just going in even if I did not really like what was happening. I am not so sure if faith can be learned but I do know that faith is just doing it despite of everything. When people ask me now, I always tell them that God is never unfair and that we will always get what we deserve, we may not know it at the moment of testing but it will. I know that now not because of some concept I got from someone but out of the lessons I learned in my life based on what I have been through. I guess I will never be able to explain how these things are for me. It is something that I know from my heart after a period of testing and hopelessness.

The lesson that I learned now is this, we are being called to just have faith at a point where we do not have a choice so that we will be able to know the true nature of God. From there we can gain assurance so that in the future we will still have faith even if we already have a choice not to. I think the biggest test of faith is when there is another way out and its a question of having faith or being in control. It will be easy to cling to God when the world seems to be on our shoulders, but it is hardest when it there is another choice. Maybe that could be something to think about.