Hazing?

It is a very sad today. I have a major exam tomorrow on my Law class whose coverage is around 200 pages of laws and cases plus I was told that I have to make an incident report regarding the marks made when I kicked a plebe under the table last week.

I can not help myself but think about these things. I am not so much worried with the exam, its the incident report that I am afraid of. A few days ago, my squadmate bade me farewell after he was suspended in another maltreatment case. He made his explanation (a somewhat incident report) and then all of a sudden he was ordered suspended. That is the reason why I am so worried with this incident report, I just do not know what will happen out of it. I tried making one earlier but after reading it again, it was as if I am doomed thus my sadness now.

I do not really deny being responsible for the marks on her shins (the plebe was female and most of us here believe that the marks only appeared because of her "delicate" physiology). But before jumping to any conclusions I will have to state for the record that there was no intention of actually hitting her. I was hitting the foot of the chair trying to coerce her into answering my questions about something. I was trying to draw the point of her telling the truth and she refuses to do so. I guess, her legs got hit causing the marks.

Again I claim responsibility, I am just afraid that I will not be given the chance to really defend myself and I'd rather not allow it to prosper. I was at fault but there was never an intention to hurt her or try anything to that effect to any of the plebes. I am doing my job as to how I know it and if at some point I have done something wrong at least allow me to defend myself.

I am afraid that there is a possibility that I will bid goodbye to PMA. I have been in the same situation once and I will not go through it again. I know I have been good and that is why I can not help it but be sad with what is happening. Lord Help me!!!

A spirit reinvigorated

I just came from a very enlightening lecture about Military History. I have to say that History has always been a fave subject and the way I see my Military History subject now I am looking forward to a very exciting time with the subject.

The thing that struck me the most in the lecture was how my instructor pointed out the importance of the study in bringing back a sense of direction, prestige and pride to my role as a soldier. I remember an entry I wrote before in this blog about being contented thinking of my self being old and still wearing my Army uniform. I also dread the times when all I can think of is the fear of being killed in the battlefield. There have always been countless times that I complain about being lonely, frustrated and just sad about why I am here in the first place. I can not count how many times I wondered why I am here to the point that some have been telling me to just leave. But I also remember the time when I read about epic stories of great men who were soldiers. I treasure the times when my dad tells me stories of his exploits in the battle field, how he captured some enemy camp and how proud he was to go home alive. I feel bad about stories of corrupt soldiers, about coup plotters and the so many bad things that I hear about people in my profession. And then my instructor spoke, with a big sense of conviction he said: remember the great stories of our soldiers and it will reinvigorate you and stand tall wearing your soldier's uniform. I guess I am really a soldier after all. I really do not care much if I feel lonely sometimes, hoping that things would have been different if I was some ordinary person in the civilian world. Even if I do hate waking up everyday early in the morning, keep my uniforms ironed and crisp, I go on with my day perfectly contented that I am doing what I am doing. I hate that I do not see the people that I miss that often, I hate being helpless at times because I am simply a subordinate, and yet in all this there is a sense of purpose in everything that I do and I am still perfectly happy thinking that I am gray and old still wearing my uniform.

Well, I know I forget the things that led me to be here. Sometimes I can just begin a sonata of complains on everything to the point that I feel bad with everything that is about me in this place. I lose focus do silly things, be stupid and just allow hell to break loose in my system. But in all this the soldier in me is just there, waiting to be remembered everytime I have this feelings. I know I may not become a great general or that I may become very afraid the moment I start hearing guns fired at my direction. I will hate the fact that I have to run carrying a heavy backpack and in the company of people who also feel the same way. I will miss the people I love, wonder about how life would have been if I didn't decide to embrace soldiery. But in the end, I realized that despite of all the thoughts that I keep on entertaining there is this fire that keeps on burning inside me that just keeps me alive and be happy despite of the many feelings that I feel. Inside me is that calling of being a soldier and loving it despite of everything. In the final analysis, I love being a soldier and can not imagine myself not being one.

Things that I am hoping for

I am trying to find my writing mood. I have to write so many things and time is running out for me. The thing with me is that if I force myself to just write, I do not produce good results, but then waiting is just not an option, I have to write now and I am looking for an inspiration just hoping that the mood will come to me.

But I will just have to blog now. It has been a while since I wrote something in this blog. As I said, I had to write so many things, that is not withstanding the recognition of the plebes last week plus of course the new semester that has started. But really, I have so many things to share now, especially that there had been so many things that occupied my mind since the last time I wrote something in this blog. Forgive me for not blogging that much, but I will try my best to make up for it.

Let me begin by saying how fun it has been. Although tiring, it seems that there are just so many reasons for me to smile about. For one, things are looking up as the next break draws nearer. This time I am joining it and will spend Christmas at home. On the weekend I will go on a Field Trip for my Environmental Science Subject. I would like to call it my break because finally I am leaving PMA after so many months. I just hope that we will go to beautiful places and have a lot of fun.

So far, the Academics is not showing some problems although there is one subject that I am taking now that we classify as "Dangerous". Last year, there were 13 who had to leave for failing the subject, I wonder how will I fare now. I am still able to cope up with the lesson and I am praying hard that it will be the same for the rest of the semester. Although I do not know really how it will be, I am just crossing my fingers... sana.

I am now trying to write something about making a difference. Its for some contest that I was commissioned to join by my Editor. I am not very sure yet what to write about although so many ideas are now running through my mind. I am hoping that by the time this evening ends I will find the inspiration and start writing about it.

Well everything that I am writing about are just the things that I hope for. I do not know what to write really because as I said, I am waiting for inspiration. I am happy that the people that I care about are happy and I am happy that I am happy, I guess that is enough reason to be happy (that's confusing) I have to end now, I decided to find the inspiration outside of the Computer Laboratory away from the tit tats of the keyboard. I promise to write something worthwhile in due time.... I love you people

A fallen comrade, a fallen friend

I did not know that today would be so sad, I just lost another squadmate. As a leader, you can not help it but really get to know your subordinates. For my part, I took it upon myself to personally involve myself with them. I wanted to know deep in a deeper level, not just an upperclass-underclass thing, but on a personal note enough to say that we'd still be friends even if we are not in the Academy. I am proud to say that I have been successful in that, especially those under my command. I learned that to be able to really do your job, I must treat each of my subordinates as real people and not just mere subordinates who will follow my orders. I felt that if we were connected in a more personal level, I will be able to really do my job to them and lead them in a way that will transcend even if we are no longer in the military organization. Now with this recent development, I was teary eyed not knowing what to say to my yearling squadmate who will shortly leave me to serve his suspension from the Academy.

I do not wish to put the details on why he is leaving. I would like to say that he is one of the underclass that I am proud to say I can rely upon. I am not saying that because we have become close in the few months that we were in the same squad, its because I see in him a potential leader that will be an asset to the Armed Forces if he graduates. I feel that he is a victim of one wrong action, an action that will definitely change his life forever.

Personally, I feel that his fate is unfair. I know him too much and he is not one such person who is bad in any way. I could even say that he is more fit to stay here than me. But then again things happen and now he is suspended. I guess part of what PMA teaches us is to take responsibility for our actions and although sad I know he is taking responsibility for what he did something that I do not know I can do if I was in the same situation as he is. I will also have to contend with the feeling of loss, the feeling of loosing one of my men and the acceptance of the reality that I will be faced even as an officer in the future. I guess being attached to the people that we work with can have its disadvantages especially when I just have to follow orders from my superiors. I am choosing not to allow my personal feelings to interfere with the perspective that I have to see what is happening right now. I am believing that what is happening now, although sad, is for the better. I am believing taht God knows what is best for my squadmate and I am trusting that all of this will become something for God to teach each of us the things that we have to know. I am sad but I am believing that there is something good that will come out of this.

God, teach me to accept what is happening and help me to be victorious even throught this circumstances... Lord, Please help me...

My hero... NOT

A few weeks ago I was tasked to write something about a certain officer who was awarded by the Civil service Comission for exemplary performance in Public Service. This was important because he was the first soldier to be given such award and a PMA graduate at that. Last week, he saw me and asked about what I wrote. I was afraid with his apporach because it seemed that I did something wrong against him. Apparently, he received text messages from people who have already read the write-up and he became curious. Early this evening I gave him a print out of the write-up and his comment was... "hindi ka nagresearch ng maayos"

The truth is, the officer I was referring to is not something that I exactly like. Except for the fact that his achievements as a junior officer is, well, admirable, I do not admire him as a person. He was in fact the same person that I earlier wrote about for being so proud of what he has become. I realized that no matter how good you are at what you do, your personality still counts and will in fact and at some point, be a turn=off in a general sense. And so there I was contemplating on what he meant when he said that I did not research to well. I definitely do not have the intention to glamourize him nor had any intention to elevate him what the hell was he talking about?

I have this inkling that he wants a write-up that would make him appear a hero of some sort. Well to an extent some heroes are only heroic because of how they were portrayed. The thing with this is that it is only true when the writer sees the person as a hero, which sad to say is not what I see in him. I actually see him as a proud bastard who just happened to be at the right place at the right time. My opinion right now about him was that any true blooded PMA graduate can achieve what he has achieved if they were in the same situation that he was. Call me bias but as I said, personality matters... as in a lot.

I will never really like all of my superiors. I will find people who will get into me and I can not do anything about but feel bad and, of course, write about them in my blog. I really hope that he reads this, I hope that he understands that to most people and impressive accomplishment is not really that impressive. My hero is someone who waits to be acknowledged and has his feet firmly on the ground whatever he has become or has accomplished... and definitely he does not fall into that category.